The Blackening (1025 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.43 on 103 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UberMadness! (View user info) at 2006-09-25 11:51:06 EDT
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Entry 1
Marjie glanced out the window. She loved the view; it made even the mundane chore of washing the dishes easier. The setting sun, a blaze of oranges and purples, threw long shadows from the majestic mountains, and a blanket of mist creeping ever so slowly over their snowy caps.Fall had come, that was for sure. The crispness in the air had turned the leaves from their former verdant green to bright reds, showy oranges, and somber browns. Karl preferred spring, but each season pleasured her uniquely, and the distance from the town allowed them to fully enjoy the landscape without the scars and wounds that civilization left on the land.
She was always getting distracted, letting her senses absorb every nuance, whether it was the line of black ants marching across the counter, or the feathery veins on the back of the leaf that was caught in the corner of the window. The smallest of details couldn't escape her notice, the blend of hues, light playing in the shadows, dust motes floating through the air. Leaving whatever task she had been in the middle of, she'd run to grab her brush.
Hours at a time she'd be absorbed trying to recreate the essence of a particular moment on her canvas. Delicate whispery strokes here, bold lines there, a wash of a slightly darker tone overlaying this. A hint of ochre here, amber there, verdigris melting into cobalt, dancing in contrast to the delicate rose and deeper Venetian red. Shadows of charcoal with burnt umbers and raw sienna's blended but distinct. Light infused white lead with hints of cerulean blue or cadmium yellow.
Marjie sat staring at the painting in front of her. It felt like part of her, but at the same time alien. Her heartbeat pounded in her temples, and she could feel pressure at the base of her neck. She was focused, but she could tell that her peripheral vision was blurred. There was something moving through her... moving her brush. Her vision was getting more distorted. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. She was supposed to control the art, not be controlled by it.
The light seemed to get dimmer, and she knew she had been here before. She knew by the dread that started to creep in. This ... thing... was taking over. Marjie couldn't shake it off. She tried to blink and clear her vision, but the distortion increased, the light faded, everything was dark.
Karl was used to her ways, knew that she would be consumed in the act of creating. Eventually she'd emerge from her studio, covered in spatters and exhausted, to fall into her bed and sleep, and when she had finally collapsed, he would make sure her shoes were off, and that she was comfortably arranged. After tidying up and setting the stew to simmer, he moved back into the studio. He rather looked forward to the time he could spend enjoying her work as she slept. Living with creative genius was trying at times, but also had its rewards.
Recently, he'd been noticing a disturbing trend in her work. The lines weren't as crisp as they used to be, and details weren't as defined. For months, he had thought that maybe she was exploring a new genre - something of a blending of impressionism and her former almost photographic detailing. Her work was still selling well, and it seemed the public wasn't bothered by the shift.
Today, he stood before the canvas and saw the edges of her clarity giving way. The intricate attention to detail was in evidence, but there was something slightly off. Instead of the celebration of beauty that Marjie was known for, this scene was murky. The half-formed creature lurking in the corner somehow overshadowed all the light and movement she had captured in the main body of her work.
Hours later, disturbed by the gnawing in her stomach, Marjie sat up to find herself safe in her bed. She listened, and heard the comforting noises of Karl moving through the house. She could smell the food he was cooking, and hear the ticking of the clock. All seemed as normal.
Moving to the kitchen, she turned on the kettle to heat water for tea, and then back to the painting. And there is was, she hadn't dreamed it. Karl came in behind her, and wrapped his arms around her. Together they stood and looked.
Finally Karl spoke. "It's getting worse, isn't it?"
Marjie struggled to find the right words. "Karl, don't let it take me. The colors are leaving. Help me stop the blackening."
- VS -
Entry 2
They met in a bar one evening."You looked pleased with yourself," said the stranger.
Paul admitted to himself that he probably did. "You could say that." He nodded to the bartender for a refill.
"Care to explain? Always nice to hear happy stories. I'm Luke." The stranger was tall, even on his bar stool. His immaculately kept hair and clothes made him an unusual addition to the patrons, but right now, Paul didn't mind. He was feeling great.
"Pleased to meet you. I'm Paul, and I just successfully escaped the rat race."
"Ah - early retirement?" asked Luke. Paul shook his head.
"More drastic. I just got my own business up and running, and I have customers waiting with open pocket books. Life is good."
Luke looked genuinely pleased. "That's fantastic! What business are you in? Let me buy you another one." He got the barman's attention. "His next one's on me."
Paul was slightly surprised at the enthusiasm, considering he'd never met this guy before, but a little ego massage never did anyone any harm.
"I'm building computer systems for small businesses. The place I worked for before sent me a little business by way of a golden handshake - they needed to offload some smaller clients because they were going up in the world and need the operation space for bigger fish. They might have been doing themselves a small favour, but it's nothing compared to what they did me." Paul raised his eyes to the heavens in a toast. "All hail knowing the right people in your industry."
It had come as a major surprise to find this shiniest of silver linings waiting in the redundancy package they offered him. His company's upsizing had been on the cards for quite some time, going multiregional and picking up bigger clients and higher throughput, but it wasn't the company he'd started any more. Not that he grudged their success, he just didn't want to be travelling all over the country when he could be making people happy at home, and had said he'd start again here while they went onwards and upwards. The rare, and welcome, decision made with the customer in mind led them to offer him a retirement package beyond the dreams of any entrepreneur - a ready-made client base that knew him, and liked him, and were ready to do business from the off.
Luke looked terribly pleased with Paul's good fortune. "Nice. You were lucky - they just transferred the business away?"
"They filled the space with a bigger client straight away. Made them money to lose the smaller ones. Means I can stay in this area, work from home, and build up some loyal local customers. Stuff that dreams are made of." Paul finished his drink and got immediately refilled. Luke looked enraptured.
"You've got to be very good at what you do. They must have been sorry to see you go."
Ego massage indeed, thought Paul. "Well, what can I say? Not my fault if...no, I can't be that arrogant."
Luke grinned conspiratorially. "No-one going to stop you here. You were saying?"
Paul thought he could get to like this guy, and nodded to himself contentedly, "If I could sell computers to Bill Gates."
Luke laughed. "Yeah, arrogant as fuck. Who cares - nothing wrong with a little pride in yourself once in a while. I bet your wife's pleased."
Now it was Paul who wore the grin. "I closed the deals today. She doesn't know yet. I was going to surprise her."
"Then what are you doing here?" Luke asked incredulously. "Get out of here, home! Impress her!"
"Okay, okay," Paul said, draining his drink. "I'm going. Good talking with you, friend."
"Pleasure was all mine," Luke replied, looking pensive. "You should be celebrating something like this. Taking her out anywhere?"
Suddenly, Paul felt very hungry - he hasn't eaten lunch, and Luke was right...maybe he should. "Good idea. Don't get to break away very often."
"Somewhere big. All you can eat," Luke said, almost shepherding him towards the door. "Go large...and go now."
He went.
They met on a street corner, one evening two days later.
"Luke?"
"Paul! How'd the meal go?"
Paul smiled, remembering a good time with his wife. "Pan Asian buffet we'd been wanting to try for a while. Never eaten so much in my life. Sandy couldn't keep up."
Luke laughed. "Nothing wrong with a little crass gluttony in moderation. Listen, you busy?"
"Pretty much," Paul replied. "Lots of stuff to sort out with the business. Insurance and tax forms to fill out."
"What, tonight? But it's almost ten o'clock - you work all night?"
"It's just for the setting up period, but it's got to be done."
"Right now?" Luke looked conspiratorial again. Paul was slightly confused.
"What's up with you?"
"I've just got something I'd like you to see. Kind of thing you can only see at night." Okay, now he was really confused.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I was on my way out. I can tell from the way you act that you aren't one for the clubs, but this isn't exactly a club. It's more of a...well, you'll see."
Paul looked rueful. "I've got work to do. Thanks for the offer, but I really should be on my..."
"Don't worry about it." There was something almost hypnotic about Luke's voice. "It can wait until tomorrow, can't it? They'll still be there in the morning. I won't keep you long. You can get home to your wife, have a good night's sleep, wake up refreshed and be through them in half the time."
Suddenly, thinking about tax at ten in the evening didn't seem as important as it had a few minutes ago.
"But...the forms..."
"Will be seen to in good time when you're feeling better. You don't want to do them when your mind's tired and you just want to relax, do you?"
Indeed, it would almost be doing them a disservice, he thought, and some relaxation did sound very inviting.
"Where is it?"
"Not far. You won't be going too far out of the way." Luke put his arm round Paul's shoulder. "Nothing wrong with a little laziness when you're busy."
Paul found himself nodding. He needed a break. This guy seemed to have just the thing.
"What the hell. Lead on."
They walked for a while. Paul had no idea how far. They reached a nondescript door with a huge man in a greatcoat outside it. Luke nodded once for himself and once at Paul, and the doorman opened up without a word. They walked down a long passageway, the sound of bass slowly growing louder as they approached the only door, at the end. Luke looked Paul up and down, and smiled.
"I think you're going to like this."
He pushed open the door, and Paul entered another world.
The music room wasn't large, but seemed to have enough space for everyone there. It was poorly lit, but he could see everyone's face. The music was loud, but he could hear Luke's voice.
"Let's get a drink. This way."
It occurred to Paul that he still owed Luke one from their first meeting, but the thought was soon carried away as he took in the atmosphere. The bass seemed to pulse in time with his heartbeat, and the air tasted smoky, like incense. This was a good place to be, if only he could remember where he was.
They reached the bar, and though he didn't notice Luke ordering, a beer and chaser appeared in front of him, and Luke put the shot glass in his hand, toasting it with his own.
"To laziness."
"To laziness," he agreed, knocking it back, and turning round to survey the scene. He watched the dance floor, and realised for the first time how many truly beautiful women there were present, and how few men. There were at least twice as many women, and they all seemed dressed to impress. As his surroundings became more comfortable, he allowed his eye to pass over them, and took a certain guilty pleasure in enjoying the show.
Luke leaned over to him and whispered in his ear, "I think that one likes you."
Paul turned to look just a little too late to notice the most stunningly attractive woman he had seen in his life looking away. She was slightly shorter than him, and dressed in a stylised school uniform, complete with her long russet hair in pigtails, the briefest of tartan skirts, a revealing yet perfectly fitting tight white blouse and high heels accentuating her long, athletic looking legs. In twenty years of being aware of girls, it was the sexiest thing he had ever seen. Somewhere his mind screamed at him that he was married, but he quickly found himself stamping on it.
"She couldn't. None of them would take a second look at me."
"Look again."
He did, and couldn't believe it.
Not only was she looking at him, but they all were. Every woman in the room, each of these flawlessly attractive dream girls he had been quietly admiring had turned her attention to him while they danced, and they all looked very, very interested. Over thirty pairs of sultry eyes, thirty nubile, graceful bodies vied for his attention, each of them suggesting everything and promising more.
So was the girl in the school uniform.
She must have been in her early twenties, and was inviting him hither with what must have been the hottest look he'd ever seen. The rational part of his mind screaming WIFE at him was finally silenced entirely as Luke's voice invaded his thoughts.
"Told you. Isn't she perfect?" He found himself nodding. Luke continued. "No-one will know. I won't tell if you won't. Nothing wrong with indulging in a little lust now and then."
Paul had been happily married for fifteen years. Right now, in this place, with haze filling his mind, music flowing through his veins and the most deeply arousing female he had ever seen directly across the floor wearing a look that told him to take it like he owned it, it didn't matter a jot. He drifted towards her as if in a dream, receiving another ego boost as he noticed other girls visibly seethe at their failure. She looked as happy as he did as she led him away.
They met a week later, outside the bar where Luke had first introduced himself.
"You!"
"Me, Paul?" Luke seemed to know what was going to be said. "I don't think so."
Paul, dishevelled and smelling of drink, grabbed Luke and shoved him up against the wall. Luke looked unconcerned.
"Yes you, you fucker. You led me to that club, you knew I was married; you led me on to that girl. I never even found out her name!"
"Aww," Luke mocked concern, "did Sandy find out?" He used the couple of inches he had on Paul to look down his nose at him. "You think that's my fault?"
"Well who else told her? She's left me, after fifteen years, you bastard, and you know what? It IS your fault!"
Luke moved like lightning, delivering a kick to Paul's groin and slamming his head into the wall, before dropping on top of him and speaking very quietly in his ear.
"Let's get one thing perfectly clear, Paul, right now. If you couldn't keep you prick in your pants, it's no-one's fault but your own. If your wife found out, it's nothing more than you deserve, but I promise you it wasn't me who told her. I don't even know where you live. I've never lied to you, Paul, and I never will, and the next time you accuse me of something like that, I'll kill you. Do you understand?"
Paul was crying.
"Do you understand, Paul? Don't you see the power I have?"
"Who are you?" Paul sobbed, "What are you?"
"If I had a penny for every time I'd heard that."
"What have you done to me?"
"Nothing. I stood by and watched you do it to yourself. I'm someone who thinks you should do what you want."
"You've destroyed everything!"
"Wrong again, Paul. Your wife leaving you, your business lying fallow while you climbed inside a bottle, you let these happen. It was your mistake...but it can be solved."
It was such a strange thing to say, that it snapped Paul slightly out of his hysteria.
"What...what do you mean?"
"I can make it go away."
"How?"
"Never you mind. You can go back to how it was - your business on the up, your wife loving and loyal. You'd be surprised what the right words in the right ears can do."
"What? How can you just change it all? You some kind of...angel or something?"
"Angel. Well, close," Luke grinned darkly. "Now, do you want all the pain to go away?"
"I...I don't understand."
"You don't have to," Luke replied, picking Paul up and dusting him off, "You just have to say yes."
"And you'll make it all better?"
"Try me, so long as you're willing to pay the price."
Paul hesitated. "The price? What do you mean, the price?"
"This one's going to cost you, Paul," explained Luke. "The others I gave you for free. It's only fitting that greed is expensive."
"Greed is...what?"
"The pride, gluttony, sloth and lust you got at no extra cost, Paul. You're half mine already. Time to start paying the bill."
It hit him. Everything that Luke had done. He went weak at the knees. Luke continued mercilessly.
"You can't back out now, you're too far along. There's only one way forward, and it's for me to decide whether I help you or not. Your agreeing to pay is pretty much integral to the decision."
Paul sat down on the sidewalk, his legs no longer able to support him, in shock at precisely what he had done in the previous week.
"What do you want?" He asked, dazed.
"Oh no," replied Luke, "You don't get to ask that. You've got to want it so much that you don't care what the price is. Do you want your wife and your life back that much, Paul?"
"You'll make it like it was before?"
"I'll make it all better. Take the equivocal promise or walk away and fail at life - your call."
Paul closed his eyes and cried, mouthing, "what have I done" to himself. Luke sat down beside him.
"You've sold more than half your soul to me, and don't have much left. You might as well continue. Nothing wrong with a little greed in the right circumstances."
Paul nodded, continuing to quietly weep.
"Wait for an hour and go home. Any earlier, and it won't work."
Luke was gone.
They met just outside town the following evening. Paul looked awful.
"You said I'd have my old life back!"
"I said nothing of the sort," replied Luke, looking nonchalant as he leant against a lamppost, "I said I'd make it all better."
"By having my wife forgive me every five minutes?" Paul screamed. "By having a new customer ring up every hour? It all reminds me of you! I wanted it the way it was!"
Luke fixed him with a piercing stare. "You agreed, Paul, not me. Don't cry about it now, and besides," he walked over until he was right in Paul's face, "This isn't about what I've done. It's about you."
"What?"
"About how you've changed. Gone from being all sweetness and light to being an adulterous, alcohol-fuelled lech, while your wife did nothing to stop it. Do you hate what you've become, or those round you for not stopping you from becoming it?"
Paul had to take a moment to think about what was being said. Luke went on.
"Look at Sandy, still perfect while you've fallen this far. You wish you were still like her, don't you? You wish you were still the ideal little couple, you every bit as good to the core as her. Doesn't it hurt you to see her like this?"
"Of course it does!" Paul shouted. "What do you think?"
"Don't you hate her for being so perfect? Wouldn't you like to see her brought down to your level for once?"
Thoughts and images whirled in Paul's mind. He thought of his wife, his perfect little wife, always forgiving and forgetting and letting him do whatever he wanted, while he was off having sex with women dressed as schoolgirls, ignoring his business and not caring two hoots about her. He'd never thought of her in this way before, the rational part of his mind screaming at him once again silenced in the same way it was in the club. "Yes," he sounded churlish; words came out of his mouth without thinking. "She'd deserve it."
Luke nodded, smiling. "But of course...a little envy and all that." Somehow, a gun appeared in his hands. "Take it. Do it."
"What?" Paul couldn't believe what was happening. Luke was telling him to go and kill his wife. Worse, in his heart, he wanted to.
"Do it. She deserves it, the too-perfect little bitch. I can find you far more interesting company. You know I can. Do it. Do it now."
No one would know. He hated her perfection. No one deserved to be that perfect. How dare she. She deserved cutting down. She should be punished.
They met in Paul's living room, ten seconds after he pulled the trigger. Blood was spattered over him, and rage boiled in his veins. How dare she be so perfect.
"Good," said Luke. "Nothing wrong with some honest to goodness wrath in the right situations."
"I hate everything." Paul sounded emotionless.
"Don't worry. We're out of here." Luke smiled. "I hope you're ready for where we're going."
Paul turned and fixed him with a dark and wry smile, and when he spoke, Lucifer knew he was his entirely.
"I'm ready for you. I just hope you're ready for me."
Entry 1:
Adamdidit2u
AlwaysAnEagle
apollo88
Axolotl
BadAssJulie
Beano312003
Bigmike
Brdn_Nkd
Bubba2341
c1ndy
Cinderblock
Coleslaw_Murphy
Coyote
Cracked_out_cali
Crystle
Davros
firefly
FunnyAsCancer
ghola
goferforhire
gravitas
HotWillie
Impassive-Digressive
indoninja
intellismartness
Jack_McCallum
jgreening
JMG114
joedaddy
JoeyG
justagirl27
kaos-king
littledan
MandaPanda
marginwalker
morontian
NerfHerder
Orgasmatron
Pentameter
rad1101
Sacrilicious
Samo
satchel
scourge
Serious_Melvin
Shaun_Rocks
sicosemen
simple_catalyst
Soley_Trinity
sparkle_pink
SPECIALk
Stagger_Lee
stevie_says
strwbryfanatic
The_Yellow_Dart
Uberjunkie
Unabonger
Wicked
WildcatMcGee
William_Q_Percy
57 eligible votes (60 total) *
Entry 2:
Amontillado
august_sobriquet
Bob_Dole
calbearspolo
CaptainThorns
Chroniclysm
Circe
coley
darko
DonkeyOnTheEdge
drgoatcabin
DrogoRoch
DudeThatsBOSH
EchoBoxing
GetNakeddd
GodChicken
Hirilnara
JonnyX
kimmy02721
LadyK
loki
Magicaddict
Merlina
Method
munkeypants
ripple
St_Jimmy
supadupapupa
thorpe
viciousness63
Wiggles
WingedFoote
28 eligible votes (32 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-01 18:45:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hate to think that I won because of formatting - your story was pretty good, MagicAddict.
And for the rest of you - no, I didn't use at thesaurus at ANY point in my writing of this piece. I DID, however, use spell check!
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2006-09-30 10:34:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Fair enough, had it been formatted better, the matchup might have been a little closer, but the result was never really in doubt.
Congratulations, and good luck next round.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-30 09:45:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shadows of charcoal with burnt umbers and raw sienna's blended but distinct. Light infused white lead with hints of cerulean blue or cadmium yellow.
---
haha
thesaurus.com
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2006-09-29 10:06:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-09-27 21:07:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2006-09-27 14:58:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2006-09-27 04:56:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-09-27 04:07:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-09-27 02:03:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I really liked all the detail in entry 1, plus, as a musician, one of my ultimate fears is going deaf, so I feel that I can relate.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-09-27 01:33:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-09-26 22:36:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:48:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i could barely read #2 because of the formatting
entry one wins my vote because it didn't hurt my fucking head to read it
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2006-09-26 17:58:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Number two was harder to read, so I voted for it.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-09-26 14:45:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 1 was ok, but there should have been more to it. The title seemed forced in at the end
Entry 2, I waded through the formatting and wished I hadn't.
-Dave
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-26 14:07:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-09-26 14:04:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:57:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:54:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I hate to do this but I can't be fucked to try to wade through #2. I tried. I really did but it's awfule trying to read it all crammed together like that.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:21:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry one sucked......but #2 was actually unreadable
I hope the both of you fucks get Ebola
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:19:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm going to guess there are people bitching about the "format" of entry 2, but it's still a far superior story.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:10:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-09-25 13:08:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
What a fucking train wreck. The author of entry one spent way too much time on www.thesaurus.com, and it was just fucking distracting. K.I.S.S.
____________________________________________________
They probably just right clicked on the word, scrolled down to synonyms and picked the longest word. And how is number one winning?
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-09-26 07:15:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tough choice between these two.
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2006-09-26 06:28:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Number Two dragged on, and it was too obvious to see where it was going, although it took a vaguely interesting route to get there.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-09-26 05:19:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-09-26 04:38:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tough choice
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-09-26 03:13:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Both were excellent, but in the end, i feel #2 is the victor.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-09-26 02:47:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#1 was brilliantly executed.
#2 was not...
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2006-09-26 00:59:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
First one was a little cheesier...
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-09-26 00:18:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I feel like I've read 2 before for some reason.
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-09-25 22:47:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the second one had good potential... but 1 takes it.
Submitted by LadyK (user info) at 2006-09-25 22:06:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-25 21:49:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by calbearspolo (user info) at 2006-09-25 21:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-25 21:17:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 1 by a whisker.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-09-25 21:08:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't care.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-09-25 21:07:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Crappy title. Both were kinda meh. Entry 2 was a bit long, and it was pretty obvious who Luke was 3 lines into their first conversation, but I liked the overall idea.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-09-25 21:06:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:53:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:39:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:03:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2006-09-25 19:57:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Did you write that on a typewritter, author 2?
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2006-09-25 19:35:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
First of all, what the fuck, number one? How do you build up and end it?
Are you new or something, number two? Ever hear of Uber formatting? I'm sure you've already been beaten to oblivion with this.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2006-09-25 19:21:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-09-25 19:11:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I liked the way emotions were conveyed in entry one. The story was a little vague, but the writer obviously has some talent.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-09-25 19:04:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
well written but just not interesting enough to keep me from thinking it was a chore to finish.
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2006-09-25 19:02:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-09-25 18:57:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-09-25 18:53:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
ooh, close one. do i vote for 2 because 1 had marjie (wtf) or vote for 1 because 2 looked like it was formatted by an epileptic dog.
2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-25 18:45:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-09-25 13:23:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
both of these were dreadful.
Author 1: If they aren't words you would use in every day life - don't use them.
Author 2: Give up. Seriously.
--
Harsh, but funny as fuck.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-25 18:43:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus Christ, author #2, why not just say your story takes place in clichéville?
#1 was a delectable little hors d'oeuvres with a nasty dab of moldy camembert hidden under the slice of fresh green apple. Delicious!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-25 17:53:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
......
Well, 1 was "meh", 2's formatting was "guh" and I've made enough noises...
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-25 17:29:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-25 17:20:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I'm going to go watch Bedazzled, with Peter Cook and Dudley Moore...
Submitted by justagirl27 (user info) at 2006-09-25 16:37:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-09-25 16:35:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-09-25 16:12:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamnit! Every time the first one sucks, so does the second. And every time the first one's good, the second one is just as good. Is it the titles? Was it a bad job of seeding? Whatever it is, 'tis quite frustrating...
----------------------
You again? That's how this seeding is meant to work.
Submitted by Hirilnara (user info) at 2006-09-25 16:29:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow
Submitted by Samo (user info) at 2006-09-25 16:25:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-09-25 16:24:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-09-25 16:12:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamnit! Every time the first one sucks, so does the second. And every time the first one's good, the second one is just as good. Is it the titles? Was it a bad job of seeding? Whatever it is, 'tis quite frustrating...
Submitted by viciousness63 (user info) at 2006-09-25 15:57:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting story, the writing wasn't perfect but it kept me interested.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-25 15:49:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-09-25 15:48:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another close one, both a little cliched.
In the end, #2's cliche (Satan in a guise) was better than #1's (vivid description of paint).
Submitted by august_sobriquet (user info) at 2006-09-25 15:40:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-09-25 15:25:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-09-25 15:20:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
GIANT BLOX OF TEXT ARE FUN.
Submitted by marginwalker (user info) at 2006-09-25 15:16:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info) at 2006-09-25 15:02:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-09-25 14:49:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Both of these were pretty good.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-25 14:37:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wait...seriously?
how many of you WOULD have voted for two, but didn't because of the formatting?
I agree, it was annoying, but damn I still liked the story better...
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-25 14:35:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
perty good
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-09-25 14:14:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Blah blah blah, I didn't really like either one. Entry 1 was too descriptive, while entry 2 was just contrived.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-09-25 14:10:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-09-25 14:10:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-09-25 13:58:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2006-09-25 13:40:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-09-25 13:35:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
they both blew, but one blew less...
Submitted by Uberjunkie (user info) at 2006-09-25 13:33:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It stayed with me.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-25 13:29:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What was with the formatting on #2? I have to vote one by default there.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-09-25 13:23:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
both of these were dreadful.
This was one of the best titles too.
about 1.8billion times better than mine.
Author 1: If they aren't words you would use in every day life - don't use them.
Author 2: Give up. Seriously.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-09-25 13:22:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Wicked (user info) at 2006-09-25 13:12:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
these are getting progressively worse...
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-09-25 13:08:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What a fucking train wreck. The author of entry one spent way too much time on www.thesaurus.com, and it was just fucking distracting. K.I.S.S.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:59:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:47:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:46:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:37:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hoooo yeah, Crystle vs Magicaddict. Got that written alllll over it.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:36:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:33:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 - Good writing, but it needed more. It seemed entirely unfinished.
#2 - Dear God, man, if you don't know how to make Uber-paragraphs, don't enter Ubermadness.
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:30:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:24:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:19:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Whoops, nice call stevie.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:19:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:15:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:13:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:04:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't remember who it was that never added spaces in between their dialogue, but it always really annoyed me.
The first piece wasn't very good, but at least the formatting didn't annoy the fuck outta me.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:02:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Formatting bears" made me imagine bears typing at a computer, proofreading a story.
Har har har.
It's the formatting bears! Watch out, they'll get you!
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:00:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-09-25 11:57:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Number two was a better story, but for Pete's sake use double spacing.
Submitted by Cinderblock (user info) at 2006-09-25 11:55:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I simply cannot condone the format of entry #2.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-09-25 11:53:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is where formatting bears an effect.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-09-25 11:53:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-25 11:52:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
waw waw waw