Straight Girls are Easy (303 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by _Q_ (View user info) at 2006-09-25 19:40:24 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
"Did you know that gorillas eat their own shit?"
"What was that?"
"Lowland Gorillas. They eat their own shit."
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
Being on a stake-out is never easy. You sit in the car, take in the surroundings, try not to be as obvious as fuck while doing nothing but looking straight ahead for hours straight, and wait.
The air gets stale and after the fifth hour or so. I can always start to smell what I swear are my socks. Once that happens, I can't think of anything but that smell. Light, but thick. And musty. They have to be my socks, what else could be making that smell? It pisses me off because it ends up with me buying a lot more socks than I probably have to. These real leather shoes don't do shit, either.
At least Trip doesn't smoke like most of the other guys Vic pairs me up with. Sure, the guy doesn't shut the fuck up... ever... but at least he doesn't make my skin feel like the wallpaper in a 30 year old bingo hall.
"When I was younger I used to see this girl. Tight little ass, brown hair and blue eyes. Man, I wish I could land tail like that these days."
"Trip, do you have a point?"
"Oh, yeah. Well, she was a college student who worked part-time at the zoo. She was the one who told me that gorillas will eat their own shit."
"Maybe she worked with some kind of retarded gorillas, ever thought of that? There was a retarded kid that used to live down the street from me where I grew up and that little bastard would eat anything we gave him. Bugs, rocks, dirt, anything."
"She didn't work with only the gorillas. She worked as an assistant to the head vet there so she got to help give medicine to all the animals."
"Retarded animals need medicine too, Trip."
"They weren't retarded. She said that they are as smart as people in a lot of ways."
"Well I think eating their own shit is one of the ways that they aren't as smart as us. As a matter of fact, doing that pretty much puts them in a lower category than us by default."
"Fuck you."
"Well, would you eat your own shit then, Einstein?"
"Maybe if my shit was like gorilla shit. Its not as disgusting as it sounds. Most of it is grass. They eat it because they ain't too good at digesting it all in the first go 'round."
"So they can tell the difference between edible shit and the recycled shit?"
"I guess."
"Well maybe you can start eating bags of grass and then eat your own shit to save on the grocery bills."
"No way. I wouldn't be able to live without beef. Nothing beats a good hamburger."
Vic liked to run with Trip and I on jobs like this. He was the big goon and I was the unassuming looking guy next door. I ask a few questions, get what information we came for, and we leave. Easy as that. No mess and everyone leaves happy.
"Look. There she is."
Hmm. A brunette with blue eyes and... yes, a tight little ass. I kill the radio and give Trip a pat on the leg.
"Let's go get her, big guy."
---
This is all I had time to write this week. Go fuck yourself if you don't like it.
If you're curious as to what was going to happen next, they end up following her into her apartment building by carrying a bunch of groceries, fumbling with the keys, and introducing themselves as a couple of buddies who just moved in a few days ago..
"Oh, so you were the ones tieing up the elevator on the weekend?" she would say with a flirty smile.
"Yeah, that was us."
So she lets them in and they all pile into the elevator, still doing the small talk thing.
Where are you from, etc.
Trip and his pal already know her background and get a little tweaked when some of the details she is giving don't line up with the information Vic supplied.
"Which floor?" she asks as they get on.
"Eighteen."
As they go up they start asking her more about her life, she gets uncomfortable and refuses as they start asking more and more personal details.
They stop the elevator, Trip pulls a taser from the bag and they ask again nicely.
"Straight girls like this are usually the easiest to crack. A little threat of violence and she'll be putty in my hands."
Not so. Cue the ultraviolence scene as she quickly dispatches Trip with a well placed strike to the throat, actually grabbing a hold of his layrnx and crushing it in a matter of split seconds.
yada yada yada, some more things happen... turns out the chick is actually Vic and she is going through a slow and methodical process of purging her "army" of any soldiers that she deems to have seen too much.
The anti-hero is hooked up to an elaborate torture contraption and the fun really begins. An over the top scene of slow mutilation proceeds, the unnamed anti-hero loses many an apendage and just as much blood. My favorite part was when she inserted a hollow glass rod into his urethra, broke the end off, and proceeded to smash down on his cock with a wooden meat tenderizer.
CRUNCH! CRUNCH! CRUNCH! Excellent reading was to be had, but alas, duty calls.
I hadn't thought of an ending yet, as the story was supposed to be pretty much as pointless and as violent as possible (hence the gorilla shit dialouge at the start). Yes, at best, it was a lame attempt of chanelling of a Tarantino short story.
Maybe at the end, just as the guy is finally about to die, the story stops... The pages of the beat-up comic book quickly close as it is tossed under the bed.
The kid doesn't want his mom to discover the cool new bedtime story he found up in the attic... "Straight Girls Are Easy".
Then maybe I would've tried photoshopping a cool vintage comic book cover into a believable version of what might've been on the cover to post along with the story.
Wouldn't you have appreciated such effort?
Yes, I am arrogant by doing this.
Yes, I just wasted 5 minutes of your life (maybe less... depends on how quickly you read).
And yes, I don't deserve your vote.
But before you judge... ask yourself this:
User Reviews
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-05 12:39:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2