Straight Girls are Easy (2643 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.39 on 141 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UberMadness! (View user info) at 2006-09-25 19:50:55 EDT
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This post is officially part of UberMadness!. Click here for more information on the rules and restrictions. |
Entry 1
Humans have no regard for life. The immortality of youth is a testament to their arrogance, their hubris, their disregard for the magnificence of the force that crackles through the air like God's invisible breath, imbuing everything it touches with a glow that is so imperceptible to them that it is almost irrelevant.Not to me. I see it. It flows around everything, a gossamer web of such incredible intricacy that for you or your neighbor, or even the Pope himself, to even glance upon it would cause madness akin to divine understanding. You're not prepared for that. Trust me.
Rigor mortis occurs like clockwork. About two hours after death, it begins, and peaks at 12 hours. At that point, the body, the hands, the limbs, everything is as stiff as a board, caused by extreme muscle stiffening due to lack of oxygen, and you can't bend or otherwise manipulate the bodies without breaking something.
Sometimes you can't get a fingerprint. Sometimes, the body is so dehydrated, so mummified that there's nothing there except the equivalent of a doctors signature on a prescription pad. Illegible. Chicken scratch. When that happens, the hand is taken off and taken to a specialist in the Coroners office, who has a patented method of rehydrating the digits and pulling a print.
I don't like when that happens. I want the bodies intact. I prefer them whole.
Ideally, she must be in the throes of youth and arrogance, small breasted, slightly upturned nose, heart shaped ass, a smile playing on her cold lips that no one else can see, but shows me that the memory of the orgasm she had with her boyfriend last week almost touched upon that divine understanding I mentioned earlier. Unmitigated evil flows through her cold body now, feeding on something that does not really exist, yet fuels it nonetheless.
12 hours, and no more. Straight as a board, unyielding, her soul straining against that fragile mortal coil. Those are the most beautiful. Those are the easiest. That is when I take their Darkness, leaning down, barely a shadow, and kiss those pale, lifeless lips with my even colder lips, giving them the release that they need.
Of course, I'm not supposed to play favorites. I have a job to do. I am a Gatekeeper, a Harvester, given this task without any explanation or recompense. There lies in all of us a balance. Call it Good and Evil if you will, even though it is so much more than that. One cannot exist without the other, a delicate equilibrium that is touched upon countless of times in countless volumes and tales spanning thousands of years, setting the eternal stage for this world.
I take the Darkness. It is what I do. I steal the half of your soul that you tend to tuck away, the part of you that turns you into a monster. Without me, the world would be plunged into chaos and darkness that would make the Crusades look like an innocent little game played by children.
You need me. You see me as a monster, but I rescue you from yourselves. You are the monsters.
The other half, the Light half, well, that sweet, forbidden half is for another. I have never met him, but I know he exists, just as he knows I exist as well.
This is all that I am. I have no other choice.
No other choice, except to break the rules. I am a vessel, but I know I can be so much more. No one said anything about breaking the rules.
Now I am hunted.
Hunted by him, the Light, who felt the shock of my betrayal in his head like a clap of thunder. I heard his scream booming across this parallel realm, and it shook me to my very core.
I don't know what made me do it. Perhaps I felt that it was owed to me. Perhaps I believed that I deserved just a little taste of the other side for my timeless servitude. Maybe, just maybe, all the Darkness inside had finally gotten to me, whispering to me all this time, coaxing me into something that I didn't even know I was about to do.
That first one was so sweet, that very first young girl, straight as a board, 12 hours into her new life, perfectly straight, that old familiar look beckoning me to their side every time. It was too easy. I took her Darkness, but I didn't stop there. I took her Light as well, my eyes opening wide as the sensation flowed through me, filling me with a sense of immortality.
I have never felt so alive, if that is at all possible for me. I loved the indescribable feeling, that half of humanity that I always see all around me but can never touch upon, nor understand. I finally felt whole.
I haven't stopped since. I can't stop. Like an addict, I feed upon both halves, strengthening me, giving me unspeakable power, something I'm not supposed to have.
He has hunted me for ages, looking to take back what is rightfully his. I have avoided him until now, running from him like a criminal, not because I fear him, but because I was not ready yet.
Now is the time for our inevitable conflict. I am prepared, and he is not. He believes me to be weak and fearful, no other explanation allowing for my cowardly behavior for so long.
It is time.
I focus on his unmistakable signature, that bright pinpoint of Light that I could never discern before my Original Sin, but could easily find now that I was a hybrid. A slight smile plays on my lips as I summon him, and his neck materializes in between my cold, gnarled fingers. The look of shock in his eyes only bolsters my determination.
One word escapes his lips.
"Why?"
I answer him in the only way I knew.
"Because I can."
He nods wordlessly, understanding that there is nothing he can do. He can feel the power coursing through me, the sheer, unstoppable life force that is unrivaled in any dimension. I slowly pull him towards me, and even I flinch as his power enters into me, the amalgamation of ages of work and dedication on his part.
It is almost too much for me. I stagger back, dropping his now Lightless form, and a scream escapes my lips that I cannot control.
Oh, but the power. The power was there. It is more than anything I have ever known, infinitely more amazing than that very first time I took the Light from that young girl. It threatens to burst out of me, so raw and fierce is it in its natural state, but I manage to tame it, to master it, to bend it to my will.
This seemingly final task done, a new understanding comes over me.
I have one more job to do. I look upward into the night sky, the fire drifting from my eyes, and a slight smirk crosses my lips.
I am ready. I am more powerful than He is.
I want His Omniscient Soul. I want it all. Nothing can stop me now.
- VS -
Entry 2
"Did you know that gorillas eat their own shit?""What was that?"
"Lowland Gorillas. They eat their own shit."
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
Being on a stake-out is never easy. You sit in the car, take in the surroundings, try not to be as obvious as fuck while doing nothing but looking straight ahead for hours straight, and wait.
The air gets stale and after the fifth hour or so. I can always start to smell what I swear are my socks. Once that happens, I can't think of anything but that smell. Light, but thick. And musty. They have to be my socks, what else could be making that smell? It pisses me off because it ends up with me buying a lot more socks than I probably have to. These real leather shoes don't do shit, either.
At least Trip doesn't smoke like most of the other guys Vic pairs me up with. Sure, the guy doesn't shut the fuck up... ever... but at least he doesn't make my skin feel like the wallpaper in a 30 year old bingo hall.
"When I was younger I used to see this girl. Tight little ass, brown hair and blue eyes. Man, I wish I could land tail like that these days."
"Trip, do you have a point?"
"Oh, yeah. Well, she was a college student who worked part-time at the zoo. She was the one who told me that gorillas will eat their own shit."
"Maybe she worked with some kind of retarded gorillas, ever thought of that? There was a retarded kid that used to live down the street from me where I grew up and that little bastard would eat anything we gave him. Bugs, rocks, dirt, anything."
"She didn't work with only the gorillas. She worked as an assistant to the head vet there so she got to help give medicine to all the animals."
"Retarded animals need medicine too, Trip."
"They weren't retarded. She said that they are as smart as people in a lot of ways."
"Well I think eating their own shit is one of the ways that they aren't as smart as us. As a matter of fact, doing that pretty much puts them in a lower category than us by default."
"Fuck you."
"Well, would you eat your own shit then, Einstein?"
"Maybe if my shit was like gorilla shit. Its not as disgusting as it sounds. Most of it is grass. They eat it because they ain't too good at digesting it all in the first go 'round."
"So they can tell the difference between edible shit and the recycled shit?"
"I guess."
"Well maybe you can start eating bags of grass and then eat your own shit to save on the grocery bills."
"No way. I wouldn't be able to live without beef. Nothing beats a good hamburger."
Vic liked to run with Trip and I on jobs like this. He was the big goon and I was the unassuming looking guy next door. I ask a few questions, get what information we came for, and we leave. Easy as that. No mess and everyone leaves happy.
"Look. There she is."
Hmm. A brunette with blue eyes and... yes, a tight little ass. I kill the radio and give Trip a pat on the leg.
"Let's go get her, big guy."
---
This is all I had time to write this week. Go fuck yourself if you don't like it.
If you're curious as to what was going to happen next, they end up following her into her apartment building by carrying a bunch of groceries, fumbling with the keys, and introducing themselves as a couple of buddies who just moved in a few days ago..
"Oh, so you were the ones tieing up the elevator on the weekend?" she would say with a flirty smile.
"Yeah, that was us."
So she lets them in and they all pile into the elevator, still doing the small talk thing.
Where are you from, etc.
Trip and his pal already know her background and get a little tweaked when some of the details she is giving don't line up with the information Vic supplied.
"Which floor?" she asks as they get on.
"Eighteen."
As they go up they start asking her more about her life, she gets uncomfortable and refuses as they start asking more and more personal details.
They stop the elevator, Trip pulls a taser from the bag and they ask again nicely.
"Straight girls like this are usually the easiest to crack. A little threat of violence and she'll be putty in my hands."
Not so. Cue the ultraviolence scene as she quickly dispatches Trip with a well placed strike to the throat, actually grabbing a hold of his layrnx and crushing it in a matter of split seconds.
yada yada yada, some more things happen... turns out the chick is actually Vic and she is going through a slow and methodical process of purging her "army" of any soldiers that she deems to have seen too much.
The anti-hero is hooked up to an elaborate torture contraption and the fun really begins. An over the top scene of slow mutilation proceeds, the unnamed anti-hero loses many an apendage and just as much blood. My favorite part was when she inserted a hollow glass rod into his urethra, broke the end off, and proceeded to smash down on his cock with a wooden meat tenderizer.
CRUNCH! CRUNCH! CRUNCH! Excellent reading was to be had, but alas, duty calls.
I hadn't thought of an ending yet, as the story was supposed to be pretty much as pointless and as violent as possible (hence the gorilla shit dialouge at the start). Yes, at best, it was a lame attempt of chanelling of a Tarantino short story.
Maybe at the end, just as the guy is finally about to die, the story stops... The pages of the beat-up comic book quickly close as it is tossed under the bed.
The kid doesn't want his mom to discover the cool new bedtime story he found up in the attic... "Straight Girls Are Easy".
Then maybe I would've tried photoshopping a cool vintage comic book cover into a believable version of what might've been on the cover to post along with the story.
Wouldn't you have appreciated such effort?
Yes, I am arrogant by doing this.
Yes, I just wasted 5 minutes of your life (maybe less... depends on how quickly you read).
And yes, I don't deserve your vote.
But before you judge... ask yourself this:
Entry 1:
AlwaysAnEagle
Amontillado
Anansie
Antioxident
august_sobriquet
Axolotl
Ballare
Berty
Bigmike
Brdn_Nkd
Bubba2341
Bundaberg
c1ndy
CaptainThorns
charminglybeef
chipolatte
Circe
Coleslaw_Murphy
coley
Confuzitron
Coyote
darko
Davros
DrogoRoch
Ducky
FilthyAssistant
firefly
fodesnor
FunnyAsCancer
Genko
goferforhire
gravitas
Gunslinger
Hirilnara
hot_pocket
HotWillie
icarus1987
iddqd
jeveuxgagner
joedaddy
JoeyG
JonnyX
JulsInsane
justagirl27
kaos-king
lechuza
littledan
Magicaddict
maiorano84
MandaPanda
Merlina
Method
morontian
NerfHerder
nyxmar
Orgasmatron
polyamorousaj
r1nce
ripple
RkaDk2
satchel
scourge
Serious_Melvin
Soley_Trinity
Spam
SPECIALk
St_Jimmy
Stagger_Lee
supadupapupa
texashartattack
The_Yellow_Dart
thedominator
thorpe
Uberjunkie
w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m
68 eligible votes (75 total) *
Entry 2:
Adamdidit2u
AsshOly
BadAssJulie
bob
Bob_Dole
BobLobla
Cinderblock
consuelo212
Crystle
DonkeyOnTheEdge
DonovanMD
drgoatcabin
DrSeussman
EchoBoxing
electrictoothsyndrome
ELG
erinly
GetNakeddd
ghola
Grim_Hippie
Impassive-Digressive
indoninja
intellismartness
Jack_Burton
Jack_McCallum
Jeanneee
jgreening
JMG114
Life101
loki
LSD420
Maltese
Pentameter
Phallic_Cymbals
phuzzygish
rad1101
Sacrilicious
Sepsis
Shaun_Rocks
sicosemen
Slash
sparkle_pink
Spooner
stevie_says
street-pirate
The_taste_of_Monkeys
Tyler_Durden
Wiggles
William_Q_Percy
WingedFoote
45 eligible votes (50 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-09-29 13:01:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Author 1 is a fucking talentless tool
Oh, votings over?
Percy, you should have won, and COULD have won, if you didn't write that shit at the very end. Your story was fucking GOLD
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2006-09-29 12:22:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats Method.
This is way closer than it should've been with me posting 1/4 of a story the way I did.
Best of luck in round 2 and 3.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-09-29 01:28:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by r1nce (user info) at 2006-09-29 01:23:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by ELG (user info) at 2006-09-28 21:12:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For what what would have been the ending. I love that shit.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2006-09-28 15:32:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hhh
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2006-09-28 05:36:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-09-28 03:34:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-09-28 03:33:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No real contest, Entry 1 was superb. I'm not sure if I see the end of #2 as an acceptable non-contrived-short-fiction UberMadness style, or just laziness. 2 seemed to be a decent writer for the most part though.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-09-28 03:18:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you would have easily gotten my vote #2, but you really screwed the pooch at the end
Submitted by Life101 (user info) at 2006-09-27 23:02:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-09-27 21:46:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 2 greatly amused me.
Submitted by Slash (user info) at 2006-09-27 17:14:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-09-27 16:49:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-09-27 16:46:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nath?
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-09-27 16:39:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-09-27 15:01:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Some people have no business writing.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2006-09-27 14:46:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-09-27 13:47:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-09-27 13:34:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-09-27 11:42:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-09-27 11:00:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-09-27 10:15:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I know that I should vote for #1 but I didn't see how it had anything to do with the title.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-27 10:01:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2006-09-27 09:51:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-09-27 09:33:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Holy crap.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2006-09-27 05:49:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by RkaDk2 (user info) at 2006-09-27 05:36:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-09-27 05:23:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I doubt it would be appropriate to vote for entry 2 but I couldn't finish reading much of entry one past the first paragraph. I really didn't like it.
Generally clicking on this title has been an unpleaseant experience for me.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-09-27 00:08:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-09-26 22:23:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-26 20:35:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked #1, but #2 gets the vote.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-09-26 20:17:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Entry 2 has to get some ELECTRO points. "doing the small talk thing", using "etc", "yada yada...", "CRUNCH, CRUNCH, ..."
I don't care if they were just talking out loud about their own post. It's still IN there.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:28:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ho hum
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:01:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm pretty sure the second one was shorter.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-26 16:42:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-09-26 16:33:05 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:46:24 (#)
Ranking: -2
I'll take baby rape over blasphemy any day.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You probably shouldn't EVER read any of my fiction.
This was tame compare to a Chaos Avatar and his girlfriend (who just happens to be the daughter of Satan & Lilith) searching for their old drinking buddy, A Fallen Angel.
Especially stay away from "New Hell" stuff. The Anti-Christ is painted as a sympathetic figure there...
--
The cannibalistic he-might-be-Jesus in my novel trumps your sympathtic Anti-Christ. He chows down on a woman's buttocks.
'Enraging Christians for Fun and Profit.' Now available from JK Publishing.
Submitted by texashartattack (user info) at 2006-09-26 16:34:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-09-26 16:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:46:24 (#)
Ranking: -2
I'll take baby rape over blasphemy any day.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You probably shouldn't EVER read any of my fiction.
This was tame compare to a Chaos Avatar and his girlfriend (who just happens to be the daughter of Satan & Lilith) searching for their old drinking buddy, A Fallen Angel.
Especially stay away from "New Hell" stuff. The Anti-Christ is painted as a sympathetic figure there...
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-09-26 16:23:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought this was going to be a great contest between the two... until I got half way through the second.
You obviously have talent, the beginning was good. Then you had to go a be a prick.
#1 gets mt vote. Probably would have anyhow, more my style.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:58:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-25 22:18:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
Kaos v Jack?
--
How dare you, sir. Pistols at twenty paces, tomorrow at dawn.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:56:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm going against my better judgment and voting for #2. Here's why.
Author #1. You wrote a nice piece, but the Satan vs God and Angel vs Demon thing has been done to death and there is nothing new here.
Author #2, you screwed the pooch, you fucking idiot, but you get my vote because of the promise of the first half of your story. The stake out chit-chat, the smelly socks, all of that was great, and I'm hoping to see a complete story of that quality if you go on to the next round.
Besides, I've been telling people about shit-eating gorillas for YEARS and they look at me like I'm insane. I call it the 'hot lunch.' I believe they will also eat their own puke. Crafty bastards. Anyhow, I love obscure trivia like that...
Submitted by august_sobriquet (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:31:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:25:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not particularly fond of either, but 1 had a few nice turns of phrase in it and 2 needed a proofread.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-26 14:31:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm starting to regret pushing for UMIV a little bit, now....
Submitted by fodesnor (user info) at 2006-09-26 14:30:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Uberjunkie (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:35:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:19:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
As you wish, apparently.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:03:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:43:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I appreciate honesty
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:39:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:21:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:00:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:52:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Because I enjoyed number one, not because number two didn't want my vote.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-09-26 10:50:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info) at 2006-09-26 10:35:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:35:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why is this as close as it is?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:09:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:56:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Number 1 by a landslide.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:46:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This title was really shitty.
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:24:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ok, number two was as creative as the fruit thing, I can't not give it to that.
Submitted by Cinderblock (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:07:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entry 2, no contest.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:04:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-09-26 07:56:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
is that crazy-faced bitch holding two dookies?
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2006-09-26 06:11:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-09-26 04:36:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bundaberg (user info) at 2006-09-26 04:14:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-09-26 04:02:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-09-26 03:45:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
number one was weird. number two was... equally weird. oh well. I'm real interested in viewing voting results...
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-09-26 03:02:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hate voting for the entry that blatantly blows off the competition, but the first one didn't seem to have anything to do with straight girls (unless they meant rigid=straight, even then, it's a stretch). I guess I'll take baby rape over the grim reaper.
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2006-09-26 02:46:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked number 1 a lot, too bad number 2 wussed out
Submitted by thedominator (user info) at 2006-09-26 02:20:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-09-26 02:11:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I liked both pictures but I liked the first sentence of #2 better.
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2006-09-26 01:57:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-09-26 01:47:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-09-26 01:35:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Grim_Hippie (user info) at 2006-09-26 01:32:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-09-26 01:18:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think that people who are in the competition are purposely voting for the shittier stories, so that they can face shitty writers in later rounds...or maybe they just have really bad taste
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-09-26 01:12:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-09-26 01:10:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what a cop-out.
write the damn story and keep your mouth shut.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-09-26 01:08:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-09-26 01:01:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-09-26 00:45:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck it, I loved this
Submitted by erinly (user info) at 2006-09-26 00:38:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-26 00:08:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I based this on the pictures
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2006-09-26 00:01:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-09-25 23:56:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How is this even close? Seriously, the mind boggles. "Oh, hey, this author just insulted me and wasted my time, and bragged about it. Well, I'm a dumbass dipshit who deserves that, he got my vote!"
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-09-25 23:53:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
good thing entry one was pretty good, so I don't have to feel bad about voting for it.
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-09-25 23:45:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-09-25 23:19:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-25 23:15:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-09-25 23:08:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
#1 Seemed pre-made in that it had little or nothing to do with the plot.
#2 Was god-awful.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2006-09-25 22:40:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by justagirl27 (user info) at 2006-09-25 22:40:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-09-25 22:29:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was about to vote for 2 because it was shorter, but then I decided that it wasn't fair. I was biased, because 2 was kinda cool in an unfinished sort of way. However, I read number 1, and I was completely blown away.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-09-25 22:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by nyxmar (user info) at 2006-09-25 22:21:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked the story of 1 and the cheekiness of 2
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-09-25 22:21:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And holy shit, #1's losing. What the hell.
This kinda pisses me off. The guy who "didn't have the time to write" could win because he posted a picture advocating baby rape. Meanwhile, #1 wrote fantastically, albeit disturbingly, and he suffers.
That is why this competition is so shitty nowadays. You don't need talent, or skill, to win the writing contest, no, you just need a stolen internet shock photo.
#1, I sympathize.
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-09-25 22:20:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2006-09-25 22:19:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i chuckled
and it held my attention
number one didnt, whatsoever
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-25 22:19:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:46:24 (#)
Ranking: -2
I'll take baby rape over blasphemy any day.
----
Wow. That's fucking retarded.
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2006-09-25 22:18:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-25 22:18:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Kaos v Jack?
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2006-09-25 22:15:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
didn't read them. probably should've voted for #1.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-09-25 22:15:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nope. No baby-rape for me.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2006-09-25 22:14:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-09-25 22:10:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yes sir, I did. And I'm proud to say it.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-09-25 22:10:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Entry one was stupid. I kind of liked entry two the way it went.
And yes, the effort would have been appreciated.
Submitted by Jack_Burton (user info) at 2006-09-25 21:51:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-09-25 21:39:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2006-09-25 21:31:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Flanders:
They're not perfect, but the Lord says love they neighbor --
Homer: Shut up, Flanders.
Flanders:
Okely-dokely-do.
Hurricane Neddy
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2006-09-25 21:30:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what happens if i just choose 'rate this item' instead of vote entry 1/2?
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-09-25 21:26:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I see I'm not the only one.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-09-25 21:24:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
so tempted to vote for gorilla shit and baby rape.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-25 21:15:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
by the way, I liked 2 better but the attitude and not finishing I thought sucked.
Not that anyone cares what I think :D
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-25 21:14:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by street-pirate (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:58:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:46:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'll take baby rape over blasphemy any day.
Submitted by Gunslinger (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:43:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Kinda lame at first....but at least #1 was finished.....fuck
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:40:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
These weren't really too great.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:40:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hahahaha
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:35:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:29:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Both had good premises, but #2 reminded me of Pulp Fiction. Maybe a little too much.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:28:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i did
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:27:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Aside from the whole "not being finished" thing, 2 seemed like a pretty good story.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:22:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:20:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Too bad.
I was digging the second one...
No shame giving #1 the win though.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:10:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hirilnara (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:08:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:08:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:07:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think Entry 2 had the potential to be better, but.
The Author irritated me.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:04:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:02:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:01:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-09-25 19:59:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2006-09-25 19:57:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 was a little too close to necraphilia for me.
#2 was like riding on a bus during a field trip. It starts out fun, then you just want to go home and gouge out your eyes.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-09-25 19:57:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
WTF is this happy horse shit?
Submitted by Tyler_Durden (user info) at 2006-09-25 19:56:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2006-09-25 19:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Crap vs Crappier.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-25 19:55:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-25 19:55:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck...
Seriously, after the competion, finish the story.
BUt the sign sealed it. Totally unexpected.
AND I'm pissed, because I thought of doing this same sort of thing with my entry, knowing that if I lose, I get an easier draw next round...
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2006-09-25 19:53:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment