Clawhammer (118 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jay Peg (View user info) at 2006-09-25 21:46:40 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
I've worked as the supervising physician and head surgeon for MAD for 20 years, patching up all of Dr. Claw's henchmen. Doing reconstructive work on the various super-villains he brought in from time to time, trying to defeat Gadget. But this was too much. He had finally gone too far.
Three months ago, the MAD organization had a breakthrough. Some schlep had caught Gadget's niece, Penny, and her dog Brain, walking around the commissary. Tired and frazzled after a long day, Dr. Claw decided that instead of locking them up in the same crappy cells that don't get fixed, he would torture Penny until she told him all of Gadgets secrets.
That was the plan, anyway. She stayed quiet while he cut off her fingers one by one. She didn't peep when he burned her skin with magnesium flares. But when he finally started to cut off her ponytails, her spirit snapped like a child's pelvis. I have no idea why this was such a big thing with her, but her uncle was a bit nuts, so I have to assume she was, too. She gushed on and on about how Gadget never solved anything, and how her and her dog did all of the footwork for him. She cried about how every day she saved her uncle from unwittingly killing hundreds of people with her computer book.
This drove Dr. Claw over the edge. He raped Penny with his metal arm while she was strapped to the operating table, and had Brain put down with a shovel to the head. Finally, after hours of making her call him grandpa while he sodomized her with a stapler, he finally put her out of her misery with a shotgun blast to the back of the head, and closed himself off in a workshop with her computer book. He didn't come out for two weeks.
Meanwhile, a sense of normalcy had begun to creep back into the halls of the mountain getaway. Well, as normal as you can get when walking into the complex involves walking past the bloating corpses of the pre-teen and her dog. I'm not sure why he declared that they be placed on the building directory, but he was Dr. Claw, so we didn't really question it.
It was weird when he came out of that workroom in the morning, though. It was obvious that he had done nothing but slave over that book, based simply on his appearance. I'd never seen the evil doctor with even a single whisker on his face, and now he sported a full beard. He stunk to high heaven, and it looked like he had a few mishaps in the lab he wasn't willing to clean up after.
But he was calm. Relaxed. Almost serene.
Walking to his office, he smiled at the tech scurrying out of the path of his gaze, and he actually stopped and made conversation with Chuck, the watchman in his outer office. This obviously shocked Chuck, who fully expected to die. You see, the watchman for Dr. Claw's office is a sort of kamikaze position. He has killed 37 of them for simply making eye contact, and the three who accidentally made a sound in his presence were chopped up and fed to MADcat.
So obviously, everyone went back on edge. You could have heard a pin-bomb drop in the hallway as people were in the throws of mortal fear waiting for the meltdown. Work stopped, and at least three people in accounting had nervous breakdowns. But it never came. Sure, he killed his secretary by throwing her into his fireplace for not having the right brandy stocked in his wetbar, but that's normal. He's Dr. Claw, you don't question that.
When 5PM came and the hatchet had yet to fall, the denizens of MAD bolted for the doors like lemmings for the cliff. Without the whole "being pushed over the edge by BBC folks" thing.
I however, did not leave. I had to stick around to finish the "autopsy" on his secretary. I don't know WHY he wants them done. We know how they die, we know who they are, but I think it's for insurance purposes. I know for a fact that Kaiser Permanente won't just take "fell onto laser beam" as a cause of death.
But I was still working, finishing up the claim for "accidental death by butane" at my desk when Claw walked into my lab. He sat on a stool, calming holding Penny's computer book in his lap, waiting for me. I knew I was in trouble when he didn't say anything. I mean, for God's sake, this is Dr. fucking CLAW. He doesn't sit for anyone, let alone stay silent, patiently waiting for an opening to speak.
But that's what he did. And as my fear of evisceration receded, he spoke.
"Make me like Gadget, doctor."
I looked at him, aghast, "E...Excuse me, sir?"
"I want you to make me like Gadget." he placed the computer book on the desk, and tapped it with his metallic fingers. "I want all his toys, all his abilities. This book holds all his damn secrets."
I stared, transfixed. Was Claw admitting defeat? Was this his way of finally saying that Gadget was better than him? Was I witnessing the death of the super-maniacal, deadly, devious, destr...
"Damn it, don't sit there drooling like a mongoloid staring at a stripper. Get me prepped for surgery."
Well, since he put it that way.
But... I just couldn't stand up from my seat. Something was gnawing at me about this. Gadget was an idiot, and his stuff never really worked. And if the schematics for all of HIS designs were in that computer book, then THOSE designs were faulty as well.
"Dr. Claw, you don't want that. Trust me, sir."
"God damnit you insignificant pustule of crap! Gadget has been defeating me for over 20 years, and it's going to stop! Do it now, or else I'll have to hire someone else who can autopsy YOU!"
"Sir please! Don't you remember what his niece said?" I looked pleadingly at Claw. "It wasn't Gadget! He's never beaten you! She did, and now her and the damn dog are dead! You should be able to kill Gadget with your own hands now!"
"Shut up you insolent FOOL! You don't get it, do you?" He slammed his iron fist through my desk, shattering it. "You have no damn CLUE! It was NOT just Penny! It was NOT just that damned dog! This has been going on for three god damned DECADES! Don't you understand!?!?"
"No, I DON'T understand! What aren't you telling anyone?"
"HE GOT ME KICKED OUT OF GLEE CLUB, DAMNIT! HIGH SCHOOL GLEE CLUB!"
I was... Well, for the lack of a better term... Shocked. I could feel the giggle in my stomach start, and I knew I had to suppress it, or I was going to be a kebab for his damn cat. But I couldn't stop it. All of a sudden I was laughing, guffawing, in the face of my supreme leader. My most evil messiah. THE Dr. Claw.
And then it happened. I knew I was dead, but instead of killing me, he started... Crying.
Was this the lynchpin of hate? Was this the reason Dr. Claw had a woody for killing Gadget? To be totally honest, I was too afraid to ask. Or move. Or breathe. So I sat and waited for him to finish sobbing.
Sonofabitch must have really needed to cry, because I waited forever. But finally, I guess my impatience began to show. Maybe it was the drumming of my fingers. Maybe it was the occasional sigh, or maybe it was the fact I got up to use the pisser. But when I stood up, he asked, "Don't you want to know what happened?"
I replied honestly, "Not really. But I'm guessing that if I don't sit back down and listen, you're going to shoot me where I stand."
"I would have."
"I know sir. So, can you make it quick, though? I need to pee."
"You know that Gadget and I went to school together. Metro City High. I was the star baritone in glee club. Got ALL the chicks."
"Yeah, uh-huh."
"Listen up, asshole. If you interrupt this story, I WILL break you in half like a nice rye bread, got me?"
"Sorry, sir."
"Good. Where was I..."
"Chicks, sir."
"Right, right. Anyway, back then, Gadget was a screw-off. He'd come in late, he'd sing off key on purpose, and he always used his gadget-mirror in class to look up the robes of the girls. So one day, I got tired of it. I confronted him, and told him to be respectful of the girls. He laughed. At ME! Asked me 'Who was I to tell him what he could and couldn't do.' I just LOST it. In the middle of class I just punched him as hard as I could and yelled 'I'M MORTIMER CLAW, BITCH!' Suffice to say, I was kicked out of class. Kicked off the choir. I lost my scholarship to Metro City College. I had to go to shitty Metro Tech to become a doctor!"
"You wanted a choir scholarship?" I asked.
"That's it, you're dead."
Great. Wonderful. Thankfully, the laser techs at MAD kind of suck, and the beam of coherent death shot passed my stool like a dive-bombing tinkerbell. Not wanting to give him a second chance, I relented to the surgery. We prepped him that night. By 6AM, I had replaced most of his fingers and toes, and by midnight the next night, his modifications were done.
What followed was ten weeks of rehab, or mental work getting the gadgets to respond to thought.
Yes, I said ten weeks. This is Metro City. We can take a guy who fell off a cliff and have him ready for the next caper 7 days later.
Finally, he was ready.
Mostly.
We still had a few kinks to work out, but I was certain they wouldn't be an issue.
I HOPED they wouldn't be an issue.
FINE.
We knew they would be an issue.
He didn't care.
Much.
ALRIGHT. He had no idea. We blew huge puffs of smoke up his ass telling him everything spec'd out just fine. We knew this experiment would never work, and we saw our only chance to end the asinine attempts on a single inspector. What we did bordered on mutiny but we saw the writing on the wall when he asked for a laser to shoot out of his dick. He had gone totally mad, and MAD wouldn't be able to actually take over the world until he got his jollies killing Gadget.
You want to know what we did?
Sabotage.
Plain and simple.
He's planning a trap for Gadget right now. Building a robot Penny and Brain. He plans on luring Gadget to a dark field, and clobbering him from behind.
'Go go Claw hammer.'
God on high please let him use the damn hammer. If he uses the laser, it could get messy...
User Reviews
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-05 12:39:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2