Simple Men (816 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.33 on 79 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UberMadness! (View user info) at 2006-09-26 00:20:16 EDT
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This post is officially part of UberMadness!. Click here for more information on the rules and restrictions. |
Entry 1
"So, should we go ahead and put a down payment on that ring today, Terry?" I ask as he shuffles nervously behind the glass."Ask me again next week, Garrett... I just want to make sure that I'm making the right decision."
"Fair enough, big guy. Let Linda know I said hi when you see her!"
Terry lumbers away from the counter, and I go back to polishing glass that's already clean. Terry McDougal is a customer of mine. Not that he's ever actually paid for anything out of my store, but he's definitely bought my bullshit schtick about being the nice-guy Zale's manager who'll butter his ass for some good ole-fashioned cheek-toast asskissery.
Truth is I can't stand Terry or many of my customers. Terry has been looking at a ring for the past eight months. Each time he looks he hovers over the glass and puts his fat, sweaty sausage palms all over the nice, clean surface. Every day he walks by on his way back from the Great American Cookie Company. Some days he'll come in and tease me with the notion that he's actually going to buy the ring. Most days he shuffles past with a whistle and a smile.
He works in the Catherine's Plus Sizes for Women store down the escalator and across from the Sunglass Hut kiosk. That's where he met the porker he's porking. Her name's Kelly or Shelly or Kari or Sherry or some other such stupid bullshit name. I think it's one of the latter two. It'd have to be to hold some tenet of the cutesy eskimo-kissing, hand-holding, pasta-slurping sweetness that is puppy love. Terry and Kari/Sherry. So fucking cute. They'll probably name their kids Larry and Jerry and Harry and Mary.
Terry disgusts me, but he's going to net me some gain one of these days. Every day I ask him when he's going to pop the question to his sow of a lover. They've even been in here together before, the sick carnal heat emanating from two bulbous individuals lusting for one another causing me to twitch almost noticeably. I've used some of my best pitches on Terry and the bastard still won't budge. 'He's not ready.'
***
Terry came in again today. We talked about ways he could pop the question.
"I'm just so nervous about it, Garrett... what if she says no?"
I resist the urge to indicate that as a disgusting lardbody, she must therefore marry another one. Murphy's Law. Fat people win, Darwin loses.
"I think you need to do something over-the-top, Terry. Something that will shock her so much she CAN'T say no."
"I'm a simple guy, though, Garrett... you're better at this stuff than I am."
"Terry, let me tell you something. We're all simple men. But I'm not content with being simple. Simple men have boring stories. Simple men have boring lives. Simple men have boring headstones, for Christ's sake. You've got to risk something in order to gain what could be the best thing in your life!" I stifle a sizable grimace and wait for Terry to say something more.
Hearing nothing but the flaps of his neck-flap squelching together as he nods fervently, I continue.
"How about hiding the ring in one of those cookie boxes from that cookie place you guys love?"
Terry beams with glee at the idea.
"You're a genius, Garrett. I just have to decide when I'm going to do it, and then I'll be in to get those rings. You've got the sizes down, right?"
"Absolutely, buddy! Just let me know the details and I'll whip everything up for you."
***
Two weeks pass, and every day Terry assures me that the plans are in motion and he's going to come in and pick up the ring. I've even made sure it's in stock and wrapped and ready to go.
***
There's commotion at the cookie place, and I look down to see Kari or Sherry or whatever her name is hugging Terry and watch the two embrace passionately as she examines the new ring on the finger. That traitorous and vile bastard causes me to put a crack in the display glass of the sale counter as I slam my fist down. He and the new fiance walk past the store and I grunt a congratulations but can't hide my seething hatred of Terry and his deceitful ways.
***
Terry has been walking along the other edge of the aisle past my store every day for a week now, as the day after the engagement I spit a tirade of insults at him. He tries his best not to look over, but he still doesn't stick his hands in his pockets to hide the fucking ring he bought from a competitor.
***
I baked Terry a cookie today. I did my best to fashion it in the same fashion as the place down the way. I want him to know there are no hard feelings between us. The last thing I need is him telling everyone else in the mall what a mean bastard I am and keeping them from making referrals. I'm not losing business over Terry.
***
I stay later than usual so that I can catch Terry on his way home.
"Terry! Wait!"
"What do you want, Garrett?"
"Listen, Terry... I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I can't fault you for shopping somewhere else... I mean, what the hell... it's America, right? I made you this... I'd like you to know that I don't hold any hard feelings, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't either."
I pass Terry the cookie, and he gives me an unexpected hug.
"This means a lot to me, Garrett. I really appreciate all your support... I'd like you to come to the wedding and everything, too. And, hey... we need wedding rings still, too." He pats me on the back and heads toward the door.
***
Kari or Sherry or whatever her name was is in the paper this morning. I try to imagine the look on her face as she found Terry clutching his stomach and writhing in agony. I can't help but get some grim satisfaction out of knowing I paid him back. But there's still that small part of me that holds a twinge of guilt. Not because of Terry's death, but because I could've made another commission.
Let's be honest. Simple men make boring headlines.
- VS -
Entry 2
James entered the small stone house and closed the creaky wooden door behind him. It was dusk, and the darkened room he entered had no torches or oil lamps burning. Still, he felt the presence of several men."Hello?" he asked, his voice trembling.
"You are late, James," spoke a singular, baritone voice from the darkness. James recognized it immediately.
"P-Peter!" he stammered, "Is everyone here?"
"All are present," Peter continued, "Sit down. We must be quick." As James's eyes adjusted to the dark, he was able to see ten men sitting on the small house's pressed earth floor.
"Where is he?" James asked. Everyone present knew to whom James referred without even hearing the ubiquitous name.
Andrew, Peter's brother, replied, "He walks in the fields. You'll note that another of our number is missing."
Without even blinking, James replied, "Judas."
Someone whispered something to someone else. James looked around again, nervously.
Peter began, "James, the time has come for us to take matters into our own hands. Tomorrow is an important day. Indeed, likely the most important day in any of our lives. Tomorrow, we enter Jerusalem. Do any of you know what will take place once we enter?"
A voice James recognized as that of young Thomas answered, "There'll be a riot."
"No," replied Peter, standing up to address the room, "There'll be a revolution. When the Master enters Jerusalem, people will hail him as the Messiah. People will bow to him. People will lay palms at his feet. But do you know the worst of it all?"
Simon the zealot piped up in his high voice, "The Sanhedrin and the Romans."
James saw Peter smile. "The Sanhedrin and the Romans. When anyone in any position of power, religious or political, will see a man entering Jerusalem before the feast of Passover, and that same man being welcomed as a ruler, a king, as God himself . . .do you not see where that will place us? As his most steadfast followers?"
"He will start a war one way or another," Matthew the tax collector said, "The people will begin to wonder why they have to listen to the Sanhedrin or the Roman authorities when God himself is in their midst. It's all been fun and games but now it's gone out of our hands. It's serious, and it will kill us all."
Peter nodded. "It will kill us all. Make no mistake that being associated with him, while once a source of pride, will become a liability once we enter Jerusalem's gates."
James swallowed, trying to sound as steadfast as his co-conspirators. "What then do we do? Have you tried talking to him?"
Some of the other disciples snickered. Peter shook his head. "You'd have better luck talking to the pieces of wood he carves! The man now exists in his own myth. It is no longer fiction to him. He truly believes that he is the Son of God, and what's worse is that the people now believe it as much as he does! Have you seen them throwing themselves at him? Pawing at him? Whores and cutpurses and murderers, all! They bow to him and call him Master!"
Bartholomew agreed, "How will that look to the Romans? How does it already look to the Sanhedrin council? How does it look when a man tells brigands and thieves that their sins are forgiven in the eyes of God? How does it look to you, James?"
James found himself nodding. "I have to admit, my faith in him has been shaken of late. I can't help but feel sometimes that this has all been a ruse and that he's merely attempting to rattle the status quo merely by telling people exactly what they want to hear—"
"And that he's tricked us!" Philip yelled, "He's tricked us all! The eleven of us bought it the most, and now it's exploded and he can't control it anymore! Neither can we!"
Peter admonished, "Quieter, Philip. The walls have ears, and the Master has his lapdog."
James shuddered again. Peter continued, "Judas the treasurer. Judas Iscariot. He has bought it, eaten it, and has even digested the bones of the thing. You can see the man's lovesick admiration every time the Master speaks."
"We were all that way once," James reminded the group.
Peter thundered, "Come off it, James! This is no time for games! In the countryside, the Master can say what he pleases. In Jerusalem, if he steps out of line or says the wrong thing, it will bring ruin not only to him but also to anyone who may have supported him or admired his words. Do you hear what I'm saying, James?"
James raised his eyebrows, upset to be at the receiving end of Peter's legendary temper. He looked around at the other disciples and then cast his gaze to the ground.
"You mean to betray him," James whispered.
No one answered, but James watched as each head nodded slowly. Peter, calm once more, spoke, "If you were the Sanhedrin and a man came in claiming to be God himself, you would call him a high blasphemer. If you were the Romans and a man came in claiming to be King of the Jews, you would throw him in chains."
James didn't look up from the floor. Peter's words sounded well thought and accurate. The Judaic High Council as well as the Roman Governor would not tolerate any dissent, least of all on the holy week of Passover, when tensions already ran high. If the Sanhedrin and the Romans found a common enemy—
"What of Judas?" James asked, "He hardly ever leaves the Master's side. In fact, where is he now?"
Philip replied, "He sleeps in the adjacent house. We practically bathed him in wine at dinner so as to ensure our privacy at this time."
James wrinkled his brow, fearful at how well planned the conspiracy seemed to be. What choice did he have? He said, "We have always been respected men in our communities: fishermen, masons, or even tax collectors."
Thaddaeus coughed at James's mention of tax collectors, and Matthew shot him a foul look.
James continued, "Perhaps he chose us because we represent the everyman, the man who would not normally take arms against a corrupt religious or political system. Perhaps it is our very natures that made us into worthy disciples. Perhaps the end draws nigh for the Romans and the Sanhedrin. Perhaps we are the ones to usher in a new age of prosperity and peace under the banner of God Almighty, not some puppet entity fed lies by the Caesar and his governors. What say you to that, O Peter the wise! Peter the rock!"
Peter narrowed his eyes. "James, as you were the last to be taken into our fold, your doubt and confusion is expected as well as respected. Know that the enemy in Jerusalem has the men and the arms that we cannot hope to overcome. It will take more than miracles to unseat a Caesar, and the Master seems to think that peace and passive resistance will pave the way for this new age of which you speak. Have you ever seen a man crucified, James?"
The breath caught in James's throat. He hadn't. Peter continued, "My cousin was nailed to the cross for stealing bread from a minor Roman official. Do you know why my cousin stole bread? Because his only child, his daughter, was starving to death! Now she begs for crumbs in the gutters!"
James bent his head in sorrow. Peter continued still, "Do you think that these animals will listen to the words of peace and conciliation? Do you think that the Sanhedrin will step in to save us from them just because we are Jewish? We are alone, James. We are the outcasts. We are not the everyman of which you speak. The Master's very presence will cause a disturbance which will intensify into a riot which will intensify into butchery and slaughter. Now is not the time for this. We must bide our time and plan in the interim to treat our enemy the way he would treat us! By the sword!"
Peter unsheathed his sword and drew the blade close to James's face. James didn't jump back or move away. He knew that every word Peter spoke was a word of truth. He didn't know what Jesus had planned for Jerusalem, but it seemed as though they were walking willingly as lambs to slaughter. James drowned in the doubt and succumbed to Peter's reasoning.
He picked up his head. "Of Judas," he said, "We must discuss. He is closest and by far the favorite of the Master. Any plan to desert the Master must involve the desertion of Judas as well."
Peter agreed, "Yes, yes! This has been a matter of some debate. What say you we do?"
James bit his lip, suddenly disgusted at Peter's eagerness. He went on, "We betray the Master to the elders at the appointed time. When they come to arrest him, we all blame Judas for the betrayal. We must be united in our belief and in our reports and writings forever afterward."
"Yes," hissed Bartholomew, "Let the fate of the dog be the fate of the Master!"
As the disciples chatted excitedly amongst themselves, James pictured the face of Judas Iscariot. Judas was by far the most sensitive of them all and the one who seemed most enamored with the teachings of Jesus. James imagined Judas's horror and how he would feel upon being falsely accused of the last crime he would ever possibly commit. James remembered hearing Judas say that he'd gladly exchange his life for that of the Master. James saw the tears of Judas, and those tears became his own.
"God help me!" he beat his breast and sank to the floor, tears pouring from his eyes, "What am I to do? Oh God help me!"
The disciples stopped talking and looked at the prostate man at Peter's feet. Instead of yelling or flashing his sword as he was wont to do, Peter knelt tenderly at James's side. "James, we're all afraid. Each one of us knows that this is a singular moment in the history of our people. The Master's words are something new and worthy of note, but to allow his claims and philosophies to destroy our hope for the future is madness. We will all die if we follow him blindly into Jerusalem.
"We are but simple men in times that are not. The question remains: are you with us or are you with Him?" Peter held out his hand in fellowship. James hesitated.
Peter's contagious doubt had gnawed at him steadily. They had each of them wondered what awaited beyond the end of their lives on Earth, and Jesus had given them the answers they had longed to hear. The words of Jesus were beautiful and bewitching, but did they truly come from God? Or from himself?
James looked at the faces of his compatriots. Each seemed so set and sure, and yet each seemed to thinly veil a torrent of uneasiness, confusion, and terror. Was every man among them so sure that they were right? He remembered the first time he had seen the Master, and how the man's very face seemed to inspire compassion, reason, and love above all.
Then James thought of the crucifix.
He took Peter's hand.
Entry 1:
Amontillado
BadAssJulie
Ballare
Bob_Dole
c1ndy
coley
Crystle
darko
Davros
DonovanMD
DrogoRoch
ghola
Impassive-Digressive
indoninja
justagirl27
loki
Maltese
MandaPanda
polyamorousaj
rad1101
Replen
sparkle_pink
SPECIALk
Wiggles
22 eligible votes (24 total) *
Entry 2:
Axolotl
Berty
Bigmike
bob
Bubba2341
Bundaberg
CaptainThorns
Chroniclysm
Confuzitron
corn_nugget
Coyote
EchoBoxing
firefly
fodesnor
FunnyAsCancer
Genko
GetNakeddd
goferforhire
Hirilnara
HotWillie
intellismartness
Jack_McCallum
jgreening
JMG114
joedaddy
JoeyG
JonnyX
kaos-king
kybernetikum
littledan
Magicaddict
Merlina
Method
NerfHerder
nyxmar
Orgasmatron
Pentameter
rillins
Sacrilicious
satchel
scourge
sicosemen
Soley_Trinity
St_Jimmy
Stagger_Lee
stevie_says
thorpe
William_Q_Percy
WingedFoote
45 eligible votes (49 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-09-29 11:36:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kybernetikum (user info) at 2006-09-29 10:40:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2006-09-29 07:26:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-09-29 02:04:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-09-29 01:36:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2006-09-28 17:05:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-09-28 14:54:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh damn I fucked up and clicked on the wrong one
fuck me I've voted for Pat Buchannan
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-09-28 14:52:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wasn't James Jesus' brother? I'm pretty sure he was.
according to legend anyway
Submitted by fodesnor (user info) at 2006-09-28 08:59:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-09-28 07:30:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-09-28 03:43:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
don't ask why
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-09-28 00:11:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 2=boring
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-09-27 16:57:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#1- Didn't really present enough motivation for killing the fat guy at the end.
#2- Very entertaining and creative take on the title.
Submitted by rillins (user info) at 2006-09-27 16:45:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, just wow.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-27 16:22:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-27 16:19:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
There have been a thousand variations on the theme of entry #2, but the author gave it a goo shot. Well done.
--
That's right, Author #2 is a Jesus freak who got so into this story he spilled his seed upon the ground.
Go Onanism!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-27 16:19:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There have been a thousand variations on the theme of entry #2, but the author gave it a goo shot. Well done.
Author #1, that story was pretty lame.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-09-27 15:35:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I really didn't care for either of these, but #1 sickened me less.
-Dave
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-27 11:18:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-09-27 03:30:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
blasphemous but brilliant.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-09-27 00:10:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-09-26 21:29:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-26 21:04:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#2, even with the reference to a "prostate" man. . .
Submitted by nyxmar (user info) at 2006-09-26 20:06:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OUCH
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2006-09-26 19:35:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-09-26 19:30:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was fucking Fantastic.... Wow. Number one was great in an uber way, but two... great. I hope this person wins.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-26 19:13:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-09-26 17:54:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-09-26 00:24:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
TOO FREAKIGN LONG BOTH OF YOU
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Stop being a fucking retard child. It's a writing contest.
Take your ADD medicine or go watch MTV... just STFU.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-09-26 17:50:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hmmm... I didn't really care for either of these.
#1 was somewhat dry and under-developed. I guess I just don't understand the motivations of those characters. Why NOT buy the ring at the narrator's establishment? The narrator had to be pretty fucking wacko to kill the other dude over something like that, yet we didn't really see that.
#2 was interesting, but a bit long-winded. The post seemed to be more concerned with theory over story. Edited down a bit and with more characterization, this could have been an incredible piece.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2006-09-26 17:44:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
If the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that
girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and
foxy boxing and such and such.
Submitted by Hirilnara (user info) at 2006-09-26 17:24:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-09-26 16:54:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Lord & the rings?
Submitted by justagirl27 (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:58:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:19:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:16:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:53:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Author #1:
"he's going to net me some gain one of these days."
Dude, you've been watching too much SPIKE Television lately. Why not try the Food Channel, or Bravo?
#2, all I could think of is 'Judean People's Front, or People's Front Of Judea?'
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:48:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:19:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
learn how to write dialogue
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:10:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:38:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A fucking cookie?
You've got to be fucking kidding me.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:46:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:44:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:35:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Guess.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-09-26 10:38:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-09-26 10:24:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Mmmkay.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-09-26 10:12:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 1 was well written...I liked the creepy vibe that I got from Garrett.
Unfortunately for entry 1, I'm a sucker for religious stories, so entry 2 gets my vote.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:55:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:24:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy cow.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:12:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:12:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No contest. Though the simpleness of number one did tie into the title well.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:50:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
if number two loses this it'll only be because people read a bit of it, notice the biblical connotation and think "Fuck religion!" type stuff. It was FAR better than number one.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:48:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
number one was awful.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:23:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-09-26 06:57:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-26 06:49:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-26 06:48:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The ending to #1 was incredibly weak. Did you run out of time or what? That let it down big time.
#2 was ok.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-09-26 06:25:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hated the last line in entry 2. It made me feel billious.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-09-26 05:44:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-09-26 04:30:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bundaberg (user info) at 2006-09-26 04:08:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-09-26 04:06:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-09-26 03:59:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-09-26 03:00:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I assume #2 had something to do with the bible so I pick #1.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2006-09-26 02:59:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2006-09-26 02:34:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-09-26 01:52:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-09-26 01:39:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-09-26 01:30:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-09-26 01:25:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-09-26 01:24:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus conspiracy. Nice.
(ETS?)
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-26 01:18:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2006-09-26 01:07:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2006-09-26 01:05:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-26 00:46:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-26 00:39:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-09-26 00:31:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-26 00:28:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-09-26 00:24:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
TOO FREAKIGN LONG BOTH OF YOU
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-26 00:22:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-26 00:22:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Test: http://www.ubersite.com/m/93573