The Shackler (862 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.05 on 79 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UberMadness! (View user info) at 2006-09-26 05:07:31 EDT
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Entry 1
I awoke out of a stupor to find that my world had been literally turned upside down.Someone has chained my feet together and I'm hanging naked, and helpless, in front of a man who obviously intends to do me great harm.
I couldn't see his face or eyes from my uncomfortable, and painful position, and even though I'm the youngest, and probably not the brightest of my family, the blood-soaked apron and the two gigantic knifes that filled the hands of my soon to be tormentor told me that my future was more than likely fucked.
My neck feels like someone drove a bolt through it. There's blood running down the length of my body and into my eyes, from the bindings on my legs, but I find myself concentrating on the how and why I got here rather the pain.
What in the hell did I do to deserve this?
**
I remembered going with my family, and a few of their friends, up to our favorite meadow.
It was an easy half-a-mile walk from the ranch house, and featured a great pond to wade and splash around in.
I was the youngest and would spend all day in the water, and when it got really hot, during the mid-day, some of the others would wade in and I would torment the hell out of them.
It was great fun because I was young, fast and had unmatchable moves in the water.
The others would usually tire of chasing me and would retreat to the shade of one of the trees that surrounded the pond.
**
A few of us got hungry and I remember walking back towards the ranch house when the smell of fresh delivered take-out wafted over the hill.
When the smell hit our nostrils everyone started high stepping the road back and that's when a big gray truck appeared in cloud of dust out of nowhere.
I didn't recognize the person that was driving and whether it was instinct or family taught, I somehow knew that it was not safe to get into a strangers vehicle.
Unfortunately, the rumblings in my stomach and the mad rush of the others to get into the back of the truck, and be the first to arrive at the ranch, and the food, trumped my better judgment.
The driver of the truck didn't even slow down as he passed both the ranch and then the town.
The mood was somber as we got on the interstate traveling toward a setting sun.
Everyone in the back of the truck seemed to settle down and accept whatever fate lay before him or her and I was no exception.
I was watching everything through a crack in one of the side panels when we finally pulled up next to a giant building.
**
The pushing and shoving started in earnest the second the truck's tailgate dropped.
We were forced into forming a line that would stop and start, stop and start, seemingly cued each time by a loud bang.
We did not have any clothes on so it was no fun being the smallest because from that point on, the only thing I had in front of my face was the bare ass of the captive standing in front of me.
As I got closer to the sound, the line stopped once again but this time, instead of a bare ass smacking me in the face, the fucking animal in front of me let loose his bowels which covered my head with piss and shit temporarily blinding me.
What an asshole.
In the next second he was gone, but for the first time, a space opened up in front of me.
To get the crap off I started to shake my head from left to right, but before I could complete the motion I was once again pushed from the rear which confined any additional movement.
That's when something slammed into my neck and everything went black.
**
So here I am, hanging upside down, wondering what the fuck is next and I hear:
"Hey Joe Bob!"
"He's still alive!"
"You want to stop the line?"
Now I'm thinking Fuck Yeah! What do I have to do to get out of this mess I'm in?
But he wasn't talking to me.
Unspeakable things were about to happen to my body and all I could say was:
"O Moo!"
- VS -
Entry 2
My very last year, it was certainly a good one.The screams I raised were second to none.
For it was I, The Shackler! lured old and young,
Strapped in for a ride, to be whirled and spun.
I heard the news these thrills were my last.
I'd be shipped away, my prime had passed.
I'd melted down with a solid heat blast.
But, how could they!? My fame is unsurpassed!
In this county I was the "ride of doom!"
Remnants of my fury swept up with a broom.
Over my lights, dark clouds did loom,
To make cotton candy smiles turn to gloom.
Step right up, and face your fate!
Girls, for their safety, would bring a strong date.
Kiddies would surely stay up late,
Wondering why they were let through my gate.
"Mommy, mommy!" they cried in the night
Waking from hauntings of unshakable fright.
Memories of my grasp around ankles, so tight,
And around tender bellies, quivering at my might.
Even grown men have been known to squirm,
But, I clenched with my steel like a hook through a worm.
Ask any one of them, they will confirm,
They praised their God when they reached land so firm.
Resurrected each year as the main event!
After, that is, the petting zoo tent.
Other attractions, quickly they went,
But it is I, The Shackler! that Hell hath sent!
It's all in the past, though I still cause destruction.
I am top of the line, and quite a seduction.
The grinding and sloshing cause quite a production,
I can ruin most anything with my new construction!!!
Muaaaaaahahahahahaha!!!!
Entry 1:
Antioxident
Ballare
Beano312003
Bellebrown
Berty
Bigmike
CaptainObvious
consuelo212
corn_nugget
Coyote
darko
firefly
fodesnor
Genko
GetNakeddd
ghola
Hirilnara
HotWillie
Impassive-Digressive
indoninja
Jack_McCallum
jgreening
JonnyX
justagirl27
kaos-king
kybernetikum
Magicaddict
Merlina
Method
nyxmar
Orgasmatron
ParlorTrick
Sacrilicious
satchel
Serious_Melvin
sicosemen
Soley_Trinity
Spam
SPECIALk
St_Jimmy
Stagger_Lee
thorpe
Wiggles
William_Q_Percy
WingedFoote
40 eligible votes (45 total) *
Entry 2:
Amontillado
Axolotl
bob
Bob_Dole
Bubba2341
c1ndy
CaptainThorns
charminglybeef
coley
Confuzitron
Crystle
Davros
DrogoRoch
EchoBoxing
FunnyAsCancer
goferforhire
intellismartness
JMG114
joedaddy
JoeyG
littledan
loki
MandaPanda
morontian
NerfHerder
Pentameter
rad1101
scourge
Siren
sparkle_pink
stevie_says
31 eligible votes (31 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-09-30 13:03:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Eh?
I suck. We both sucked, but I sucked harder. *weep*
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-09-29 23:15:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this page smells funny
i would close it out if i were you
NOW!!
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-09-29 08:06:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2006-09-29 05:48:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not great.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2006-09-29 05:30:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-09-29 01:08:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainObvious (user info) at 2006-09-28 22:33:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Both pretty good, but I liked #1 a little better.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-09-28 22:25:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by nyxmar (user info) at 2006-09-28 21:24:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2006-09-28 21:09:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Save the cows.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-09-28 20:33:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
These are both hilarious. The novelty of the blender really appealed to me though.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2006-09-28 17:37:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-09-28 16:40:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-09-28 16:29:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2006-09-28 15:09:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
#1 Made me smile.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-09-28 12:31:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I didn't know cows got take-out.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-09-28 12:21:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-09-28 10:02:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-09-28 08:55:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Saw Entry 1's "twist" coming miles away, don't know if there was meant to be a twist in number 2. Thought it was a rollercoaster, then the pic suggested maybe shackler is american slang for a blender? Didn't care, author 2 needs to learn to write with rhythm, or at least make sure there is the same amount of syllables in each sentence.
Nothing personal, these were god awful.
Submitted by kybernetikum (user info) at 2006-09-28 04:51:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-09-28 03:14:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That was a tough one. I almost hate to vote.
Number one actually somehow surprised me. Should I have seen it coming? Struck me as unexpected anyway, but not terribly original.
Similar feelings toward the second, but it just seemed a little more competent in general.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-28 00:31:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wish I had gotten this title.
INGRATES ALL OF YOU
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-09-28 00:14:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
as I read entry one, I said, "there's no way I'm voting for this" and then...
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2006-09-27 21:54:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-09-27 16:41:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Worth reading.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-09-27 09:35:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Blech
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-09-27 04:02:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what the fuck
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-09-27 02:11:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by justagirl27 (user info) at 2006-09-26 23:30:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 culture club!
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-26 23:24:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WTF?
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2006-09-26 22:37:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-26 21:29:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This has all turned to shit!!
#1 lost it with "knifes."
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-26 21:24:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-09-26 19:57:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2006-09-26 19:39:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
O Moo!
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:37:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:31:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 gets my vote, but just barely. Both of these were somewhat poor.
Submitted by Hirilnara (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:30:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:26:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i flipped a coin
almost worse than the first posted entries
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:25:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-26 17:36:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuckin A, #1. Anything that points out the modern hell of slaughterhouses (parody or not, it might make some people think) gets my vote.
BTW... that shit actually happens. Living animals get 'processed,' sick animals make it into the line (the downed animals act is a joke), and since most slaughterhouses these days employ illegal immigrants (1. They work cheap and 2. They don't complain about the dangerous pace and unsanitary conditions) it's only a matter of time before we start seeing wide-scale outbreaks of CJD in this country.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-09-26 17:13:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-09-26 17:04:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:22:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by fodesnor (user info) at 2006-09-26 14:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-26 14:12:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
auto -2 PETA rights.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:59:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
lame
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:57:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've been watching a lot of Scrubs lately. Which prompts me to say,
"Bad newbie! Bad bad, bad, badbadbadbadbadbad, bad bad, bad newbie!"
Come on, Marcia, you're obviously somewhat vested into the whole writing thing, think a little harder than "Hostel...with cows!"
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:53:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck poetry
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:36:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:27:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:23:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Jesus Christ, these both did suck,
with a broom, your ass I'd like to fuck.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:22:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
wow. easily the two worst entries thus far. even though 2 sucked worse than 1, i have to give it to 2 for not being a pussy and caring about the rights of cows. fuck you author 1.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:31:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:23:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:18:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
O MOO
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:52:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Enrty #2 Orgasmatron?????
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:42:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:41:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:38:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:28:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:25:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:15:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Mmmmmmm, steak.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:07:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-09-26 10:59:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-09-26 10:37:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:39:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gross.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:36:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
These were both kind of dumb. But it was a shitty title.
*flips coin*
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:28:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
...
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:06:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Niether of these had me interested.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:46:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:42:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha number one, you asshole! I was thinking "who has a favorite meadow?", and I was going to bitch about it... but you are SO CLEVER!
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:27:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:20:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-09-26 07:33:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-09-26 07:19:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I couldn't finish that poem...
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-09-26 07:00:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Both entries are appaling. The first one was plainly obvious before I finished the first paragraph and lacked the clarity gained from actually spending time in a slaughterhouse or farm.
Humanising filthy beasts is ignorant and silly.
The second one was just really really boring. I couldn't be arsed to finish it, so I just skimmed the body to see if there was any point in the author getting out of bed today. We'd have all been better off if they'd been in a coma, perhaps even dead.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-09-26 06:17:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-09-26 05:54:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't like the principle of #1.