The Beggars Waltz (678 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: -0.02 on 73 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UberMadness! (View user info) at 2006-09-26 05:40:17 EDT
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Entry 1
Dreadlocked hair and a wooden bead necklace and isn't it spectacular how certain outfits, certain hairstyles, certain crappy wooden bead necklaces can give away a person's entire religious, philosophical and intensely personal world view? Like, for example, looking at the expensively maintained dreadlocked hair and the faux-African-import-from-some-small-store-on-the-cafe-strip necklace, you can just SMELL the wannabe hippy vibe.She drives a Jeep when nobody's looking.
Not the point.
The point is, Anne (who refers to herself as Razina, a Swahili name meaning "strong and patient," says Anne is her slave name, and is white enough to glow in the dark) wants to be righteously angry at the world but, you know, she's had a pretty awesome life. There was that one time Daddy wouldn't let her use the credit card to get a new entertainment system built into her apartment, but the therapist really helped her with that and now she's not traumatized anymore.
_____________
In this city they call it the Beggars' Waltz, "they" being the uniformed men employed by the City to "assist in the Urban Refocusing Program scheduled prior to the City's Christmas Season Celebrations, when tourism becomes a vital part of the lifeblood of the City and locally undesirable elements of society are, by necessity, temporarily rehoused to allow for the free and unhindered progress of our valued visitors." And doesn't it sound pretty? The Council spent $5000 on a local public relations firm to come up with that little gem, and they were paid an extra $500 for capitalizing the word "city." It was such a good idea that it's now done on all City correspondence. Fifty-five hundred dollars to find a nice way of saying "Well, we're gonna sweep out all the bums and lock them away nice and invisible for a few weeks. Don't wanna scare off the big spenders."
_____________
Razina, during one of her humanitarian phases (she'd given up on the idea of animal welfare after she'd been pissed on by an excitable Daschund) read "Black Like Me" and was Inspired. She was going to do her own expose on class differences and Make A Difference. She was going to be Revered and Lauded as a Prizewinning Journalist. And her book, of course, was going to be imaginatively titled "Poor Like Me."
What follows is the unfinished first chapter of her incomplete book.
_____________
"Poor Like Me"
"By Razina"
"A Human Rights Expose"
"In Diary Form"
"A True Story of One Woman's Courage and Empathy"
"Chapter One"
Day 1: I do not anticipate having much time or privacy to write as well as I would like. But I shall faithfully endeavor to make notes every day in order to chronicle my journey into the poorer lower levels of our society and tell the world what I find there. I have come to this place, a public park frequented by the unfortunate souls I long to save, with nothing save this notebook, the clothes I'm wearing, and my emergency credit card tucked inside my left shoe. I can already see why so many people choose the lifestyle - it's very liberating to have nothing to do all day.
Day 2: I believe I've made some progress towards infiltrating this strange society! This morning, while we gathered at the "Soup Van" that comes to the park every second day, a woman whose name I have yet to learn traded me three cigarettes for my necklace. This barter system is commonplace here; perhaps there is something to be learned from the way these people, deprived of "normal" social privileges, revert to an archaic barter system of economy? OR, alternatively, perhaps they chose this way of life BECAUSE they dislike the everyday cash exchange system of purchasing goods and services! Fascinating.
Day 3: I've been forced to use my emergency credit card for the first time. For the last two days I've been able to catch the bus back to my apartment at night (I briefly considered sleeping in the park to give my role verisimilitude, but the idea is patently ridiculous) but today I missed the last bus and needed to catch a taxi. The taxi driver didn't even question my using a platinum credit card even though my makeup is decidedly sub par, in accordance with my infiltrative role. (Note to self: look up infiltrative and make sure is a real word.) (Note to self: delete this section from novel as is not in keeping with humanitarian, humble character)
Day 4: Something is happening. The denizens of the park are stowing their few meagre precious belongings under trashcans and inside the unused bike lockers. It's as though they expect to be away for a while, and they keep referring to something called the Waltz. Is this a social event? Should I dress for it? I've tried to ask but I can't understand much of what they mumble back at me, and there are a few who refuse even to speak to me, although I look just like one of them, only prettier. Maybe tomorrow I'll pack an evening dress in my worn, tatty tote bag just in case. I'd hate to be the only one not wearing black tie.
Day 5: Still nothing.
Day 6: I've never been so insulted in my life. I can't even write about this yet, it's too humiliating. I mean, honestly, I may be underdressed for my social station but I do not "smell like the south end of a northbound camel train." I'm going to have that officer fired. When my Daddy hears about how rudely they treated me before I produced my credit card and demanded to be allowed to call Wickers, our family lawyer, he's going to be VERY put out. Oddly, the other park-dwellers did not seem worried. When I stood on the bench in the holding cell and gave what I consider to be one of the most rousing speeches of my generation, exhorting them to rise up and be counted, they simply laughed or snorted or mumbled or caught imaginary butterflies and didn't stir from their seats. Some people don't WANT to be helped.
- VS -
Entry 2
"I'm going to go tuck the kids in, honey," I said to my adoring, affectionate and extremely attractive wife."Don't tarry too long," she said in a come-hither tone that promptly got my motor running. "I've got a surprise for you when you get to bed after being such a good dad." She stood up from her comfortable chair and waltzed over to where I was standing, awe-struck at the sex goddess before me. Her breasts heaved with the anticipation of the ensuing passion and I heaved with them.
"Uh...yeah I'll do it as fast as I can," I said, already halfway up the stairs and halfway ready to start right there on the stairs.
As I got to the top, I made the decision to tuck my daughter in first, as if she kept me too long I could explain to her that her brother needed tucking in just as badly as she did and teach her not to be selfish.
As I opened her door, immediately her eyes darted open and the corners of her mouth turned up, revealing the straight, pearly white teeth I had paid graciously for. I wondered if she would finally thank me tonight for all the dental work.
"Tell me a story," she said in a tone that wasn't nearly sleepy or gracious enough.
"Okay," I said, "bringing my hand to my chin, full of stubble, to think as I often do. "One time there was a prince and a princess and they got married and there was a castle and they lived in it forever and ever and one time the prince fought a dragon that captured the princess and after that they were happy forever THE END! Goodnight, my darling," I said as I kissed my adoring daughter on the forehead.
"Daddy, you're funny," she said. "Tell me a real story."
"What do you mean by real," I asked. "I mean, one might imply that to be real, I would have to tell you a true story. And true stories aren't nearly as exciting... or short," I said under my breath, "as the one I just told you."
"And besides," I said, "Remember last night when you asked for two stories?"
"Yes..." my daughter said, fearing that the bottomless well of stories had somehow run dry because of her.
"Well I hope you enjoyed them because I'm all out. Gotta go," I said as I waltzed towards the door, begging to be relieved of my charge.
"Nuh uh! You're a funny daddy!" And I was. This innocent realization of my daughter inspired me. I told a harrowing tale of 4 minutes about talking emus and kangaroos, who used their pouches and sharp beaks to defeat the evil snakes and sloths, who were keeping prisoner all the fairies of the Earth in a peanut butter jar. It was quite good. To a 4-year-old at least. It was boring as hell to me. But lo and behold, before the final death scene of the final sloth, my little angel was asleep and I was one step closer to having sexual intercourse.
Hoping my son would already be asleep, I tiptoed past his room in an effort not to wake him.
"Dad," his timid voice temporarily drowned out the Barry Manilow record coming from the master bedroom. I could've ran for it. I could've made it, probably. But my duty to my son, my own flesh and blood, carrier of the family blood, was a duty that I did not take lightly.
I opened the door and peaked inside.
"Yes, son? What is it?"
"I think I saw a monster in my room. Can you check under my bed and make sure nothing is there?"
I chuckled. Of course I could check under his bed. Sure, I might be frightened by the immense mess accumulated down there but my bed was no different when I was his age. I was certain that there would be no monster down there. I would assure my son and then I could get down to business.
I stepped into my son's room, feeling the fresh carpeting between my toes, and dropped to my hands and knees to look under the bed. I looked around and saw a few baseball cards, a tennis racket that hadn't been used more than twice and a few compact discs among other harmless objects. Nothing out of the ordinary and certainly no monster.
As I was raising my head up on the level to meet with my son and tell him the good news, he screamed:
"AAAAAAH! THE MONSTER!"
I swiveled my head and my eyes left and right to try and catch a glimpse of the beast but apparently my son's eyes were better than my own.
"There's no monster under the bed, Chris," I said, stroking the boy's golden blond hair in an attempt to comfort him. "I just checked. There's nothing down there. I promise." I held my right hand up to justify my word.
"No, I know," Chris said fervently, "because I just saw him run out from under the bed when you started to look. He's in the closet now."
"Don't be alarmed," I said, imitating a superhero as best I could, "SuperDad is on the job!" I raised one knee up and jockeyed my arms for maximum comic effect. But the boy didn't take to my humor on this occasion. I dismantled myself from the pose and waltzed towards the closet door, which was open just a crack.
Chris' closet was huge. We had built the whole house with gigantic closets, as my wife and I were both something of pack rats and liked to store most of our useless crap in closets. We hoped we wouldn't pass on this trait to our children but prepared for the inevitability.
I opened up the closet, stepped inside and turned on the light. There certainly didn't appear to be any monster...
...and then I saw it.
In the back corner, attempting to hide behind the boy's 3-foot tall clothes hamper, was a 5-foot tall green monster with 13 eyes and six arms. A slimy, mucusy flesh covered its entire body and appeared to ooze from the top of its head and slide down the rest of the monster's body. I could barely make out two slits through the ooze that were high on what appeared to be the monster's head, glowing red and resembling eyes but I couldn't be sure.
I could hardly believe it. I opened my mouth to scream but one of its arms clamped over my mouth.
From where it spoke, I have no idea. But it did so in a threatening manner.
"Keep quiet, pops. If you know what's good for you you'll keep your mouth shut. You have no idea what these nine arms can do."
"Nine arms," I asked, "but I only see six."
"Exactly," the monster said, "you won't even see the others coming then, will you? Best to shut the hell up and do as I say or you'll find out exactly what all of my arms are for."
"What do you want?" I demanded from the monster, using a much harsher tone than I expected of myself.
The monster let out a guffaw.
"I think it's clear what I want, Mr. Frederickson," the monster said. "I want your son."
"W-what are you talking about," I said, "what could you possibly want with my son?"
"The ancient race of the monster is dying," said the monster. "And you play a much more important part than you may realize. You see, the race of the monsters has always depended on the Frederickson line to provide us with one son a generation so that we may feast on his flesh and blood."
I thought for a moment, recalling my own childhood and remembered nothing about monsters taking away any of my brothers.
"What about last generation?" I asked, wondering exactly who had been killed without me noticing.
"Uh..." the monster searched his brain, in what looked like an attempt to make up a name. "Definitely started with a J."
I gasped in horror. "Sure...surely you don't mean Jeffery?" I shook at the mere mention of the name.
"YES!" the monster exclaimed. "He was delicious. I especially liked his eyeballs."
I folded my arms and looked the monster in the eye(s).
"My name is Jeffery you fool. You didn't kill me. You didn't kill anybody in my family."
"Yes huh," the monster said, obviously defeated. "I totally did and his blood was potent and we feasted for days. Okay, look. We don't really kill anyone anymore. It's a union thing. I just want to scare your son. That's all."
"There's no way I'm letting you scare my son, you son of a bitch!" I took a swing at the monster, hitting one of its 13 eyes, which didn't even blink.
"Please don't do that again," the monster said. " I'm scaring your son whether you like it or not."
I punched the monster again, convinced that I could protect my son with fists of fury.
The monster looked more annoying than disgruntled.
"Look, it's not like I'm going to frighten your son without giving you anything in return. I mean, this can be a win-win situation here."
I wondered what the monster could possibly offer me in exchange for the temporary well-being of my only son. "What could you possibly offer me in exchange for the temporary well-being of my only son?" I asked.
"First of all," the monster said, "you humans have no trouble creating new copies of yourself. He's your only son now, but last I checked your wife was ready to have sexual intercourse right away. You could make another son tonight and then take the reward I'm giving you. Everybody's happy, everybody walks away with something."
"...I'm listening," I said tentatively, cupping my hand to my ear to heighten my listening skills.
Lo and behold, Chris had been shaking with fear ever since his dad had gone in the closet and not come out right away. Chris feared the worst but was shaking too badly to attempt to save his own father were he in moral peril.
After five minutes had passed, Chris had had enough. His father could be in danger. He was the only one who could save him. He gathered up the tennis racket laying under his bed and marched over to the door. Just as he was about to swing the door open, his father opened the door, stepping inside Chris' room and shut the door immediately.
"Sorry I was in there for so long," Chris' dad said. "But, um, listen, there's no monster in there."
"Then why were you in there for so long, dad? I thought I heard voices."
The father already had his hand on the doorknob to the hallway, placed one foot outside and then turned back to answer his loving and only son's question.
"Sleep tight, son."
Entry 1:
Axolotl
Ballare
Beano312003
Bigmike
Circe
Confuzitron
Coyote
Crystle
EchoBoxing
HotWillie
Jack_McCallum
JonnyX
MandaPanda
Merlina
Pentameter
rad1101
sparkle_pink
St_Jimmy
Wiggles
18 eligible votes (19 total) *
Entry 2:
Amontillado
august_sobriquet
Berty
Bob_Dole
Bubba2341
c1ndy
CaptainThorns
coley
corn_nugget
darko
Davros
DrogoRoch
firefly
FunnyAsCancer
ghola
goferforhire
Impassive-Digressive
intellismartness
jgreening
JMG114
joedaddy
JoeyG
kaos-king
littledan
Method
NerfHerder
Orgasmatron
PokeyMen
Sacrilicious
satchel
scourge
Serious_Melvin
sicosemen
Siren
Soley_Trinity
SPECIALk
Stagger_Lee
stevie_says
The_Yellow_Dart
William_Q_Percy
WingedFoote
39 eligible votes (41 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-04 21:53:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought #2 fit the title. Just cos the words "The Beggars Waltz" weren't in it doesn't mean it didn't fit.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-09-29 10:49:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 had some potential, but didn't use it.
#2 had nothing to do with this horrid title.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-09-29 02:34:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-09-28 20:43:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I loved entry 2. Fists of fury made me laugh forever.
Buuuuut. The title..... such a pesky thing. I didn't see how it related to the story. While the entry was great, that's part of the real challenge of ubermadness, is making a story about the shit title you're given.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2006-09-28 17:45:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-09-28 16:43:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Didn't really like either that much.
-Dave
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-09-28 10:24:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
As the rating says "Made me smile"
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-09-28 08:31:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-28 01:11:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-09-28 00:23:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
what the hell? it switched from first to third person with a paragraph to go. and we didn't get any reward with the wife's heaving breasts. and I'm still voting for it, 'cause the other one was just that bad...
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-09-27 16:49:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
#2 was saved by this line:
"fearing that the bottomless well of stories had somehow run dry because of her."
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-09-27 03:04:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-27 00:38:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:19:51 (#)
Ranking: -2
Well.
I do NOT want to vote for EITHER. The first one for this:
"Dreadlocked hair and a wooden bead necklace and isn't it spectacular how certain outfits, certain hairstyles, certain crappy wooden bead necklaces can give away a person's entire religious, philosophical and intensely personal world view?"
HOLY MOTHERFUCKING RUN-ON-AND-ON-AND-ON-AND-ON-AND-ON-AND-ON-AND-ON-AND-SENTENCES.
Also, within the first ten words you fucked up soemthing huge.
For the second one.
How the FUCK does all that get together without sounding amazingly disjointed?
Wait, it doesn't.
I imagine you started writing the first half, got stuck for a few hours, and then a "spark" hit your brain and turned it upside-fucking-down.
I swear to fucking GOD all the decent fucking titles the decent fucking writers could have used and worked with went to fucking MONGOLOIDS.
==========
YO JAY
I'd REALLY like to see how BRILLIANT *your* story was what with all your fucking complaining and excessive criticism..it's one thing to point out errors, things that could have been done better, etc. But you are tearing apart practically every fuckin entry and last time I checked, you're no Famous Author yourself.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-27 00:36:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Method: I had the same moment of confusion (re: wifey vs daughter)
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-27 00:33:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HA!
"then you won't see the other three coming".
Silly, and the first paragraph or so I was ready to hate it..but the story knew it was silly and rolled with it.
one: alright; but the spoiled rich kid thing didn't really go anywhere...didn't seem like it had an ending..?
WTF
WHY DO I WRITE THESE CRITIQUES WHEN I, MYSELF AM A SHITTY WRITER?
oh yeah.
cause I love to read.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-09-26 23:52:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2006-09-26 22:31:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-26 21:35:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-26 21:01:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Well fuck..I have to vote for one. Sigh.
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-09-26 20:10:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Entry two would have been a lot better if the monster killed him right away, and then the story was over. But it was still better than the wannabe poor yuppie.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-09-26 19:57:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2006-09-26 19:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yep. That ending sold it for me. I'm still smiling like an idiot.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:52:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Odd.
#1 had no ending and #2 had WAY too long of a beginning.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:43:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:29:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-09-26 16:42:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-26 16:37:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-09-26 16:20:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
I read it at like 6 in the morning, half asleep, and I was like "what the fuck is going on here?" I was incredibly perplexed, but I chalked it up to morning haziness.
Turns out it's like Electro on steroids
--
You realize that some people would PAY for that kind of mind-altering 'have I just gone mad and why can't I stop howling with laughter?' sensation, don't you?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-09-26 16:20:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I read it at like 6 in the morning, half asleep, and I was like "what the fuck is going on here?" I was incredibly perplexed, but I chalked it up to morning haziness.
Turns out it's like Electro on steroids
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-26 16:02:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-09-26 16:00:54 (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Jack, am I just insane, or did you see this too:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/93590#2157690
--
Saw it. Dude, this HAS to be a parody. Nobody is that lame.
*Author #2 furiously logs onto internet and requests membership in the 'I Hate Jack McCallum Club.'*
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-09-26 16:00:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Jack, am I just insane, or did you see this too:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/93590#2157690
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:47:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1...you need some lessons on punctuation. I realize there's the whole "writing as you'd say it aloud" effect going on, but those sentences are waaaaay too awkward.
#2...decent. But you gotta step it up a bit more.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:26:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"...I'm listening," I said tentatively, cupping my hand to my ear to heighten my listening skills.
--
A HIGH-RISK PARODY!
AUTHOR #2 IS A GENIUS WITH MASSIVE BALLS!
GO-GO-GO #2!!!
Forgive my voting stupidity, #2!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:22:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I opened the door and peaked inside.
--
Holy FUCK that's funny.
God I wish I could change my vote.
It's NOOBERFEST!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:20:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Okay," I said, "bringing my hand to my chin, full of stubble, to think as I often do.
--
Somebody tell me this is intentional. If so, it's gold.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:20:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:19:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Her breasts heaved with the anticipation of the ensuing passion and I heaved with them.
--
I'm beginning to think I voted wrong and that this is a parody.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:18:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I'm going to go tuck the kids in, honey," I said to my adoring, affectionate and extremely attractive wife.
--
You are kidding, right?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:17:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Author 1, it's like you started but did not finish. Now I'm frustrated. Yet at least you wrote a cohrent tale with some genuinely funny lines.
Author 2, I wish you had never started.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:08:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-09-26 14:58:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-26 14:09:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:53:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
:(
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:28:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:23:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
2 had more words i think.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:21:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow...
THAT was harsh on my part.
Ture none-the=less, but harsh.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:19:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Well.
I do NOT want to vote for EITHER. The first one for this:
"Dreadlocked hair and a wooden bead necklace and isn't it spectacular how certain outfits, certain hairstyles, certain crappy wooden bead necklaces can give away a person's entire religious, philosophical and intensely personal world view?"
HOLY MOTHERFUCKING RUN-ON-AND-ON-AND-ON-AND-ON-AND-ON-AND-ON-AND-ON-AND-SENTENCES.
Also, within the first ten words you fucked up soemthing huge.
For the second one.
How the FUCK does all that get together without sounding amazingly disjointed?
Wait, it doesn't.
I imagine you started writing the first half, got stuck for a few hours, and then a "spark" hit your brain and turned it upside-fucking-down.
I swear to fucking GOD all the decent fucking titles the decent fucking writers could have used and worked with went to fucking MONGOLOIDS.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:19:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked #1, because it was a shitty story contained within a regular story, which made the irony quotient go through the roof. Nice plot device.
I'm guessing #2 is a GLALL-clone, it's that style of stupid writing - oh, and you forgot to incorporate the title.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:40:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:26:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have a soft spot for The Ridiculous.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:23:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:41:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:40:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:39:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:35:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:12:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by PokeyMen (user info) at 2006-09-26 10:41:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The second entry made me think of "Enter Sandman."
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-09-26 10:38:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
NUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrr
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-09-26 10:32:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 had good potential, but petered out. #2 had a good idea, but was weighed down by sentences like "Her breasts heaved with the anticipation of the ensuing passion and I heaved with them." It goes to #1, for making better use of the title, and the line about the dachsund piss.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:39:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ace.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:38:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:34:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The second only vaguely hinted at the title, but man, that was a good story.
Submitted by august_sobriquet (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:24:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:46:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:38:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Number One? Hello?
A lot of the stuff in the second one annoyed me, like "the smile I paid for" and that crap about sex and good daddies and tarrying.
However, I just couldn't vote for the first one.
I'm bothered by this.
The first one COULD have been good if the writer had taken a little more time to develop it.
Damn this to hell.
Now I'm trying to decide if I should vote for number one.
Number two will win, so I'll just keep my vote at number two.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:25:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-09-26 07:36:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-09-26 07:20:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At one point, I was horrified - the beginning of the story was all sexual in nature, setting the tone, and then this line came:
"As I opened her door, immediately her eyes darted open and the corners of her mouth turned up, revealing the straight, pearly white teeth I had paid graciously for. I wondered if she would finally thank me tonight for all the dental work."
And I thought "Wait, is that the wife or the daughter he's hoping to get a blowjob from"
Now I'm not sure if Im a disgusting pervert or the writer is retarded. But #2 made me laugh anyway.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-09-26 07:17:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-09-26 06:52:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
One was a great idea..taking the 'waltz' and giving it a a meaning, plus it had some humor to boot.
Two.... well unless I messed something it had fuck all to do with the title.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-09-26 06:50:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-09-26 06:48:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-09-26 06:16:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-09-26 06:01:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#2 had potential. #1 had an interesting take, but should have done more.