Invite to Immortality (917 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.29 on 78 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UberMadness! (View user info) at 2006-09-26 08:12:56 EDT
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This post is officially part of UberMadness!. Click here for more information on the rules and restrictions. |
Entry 1
"HEY NIGGER!" a voice yelled from across the street.
Robert kept his eyes on the ground and kept walking.
"HEY BOY, I'M TALKIN' TO YOU!" the voice persisted.
Robert knew that he was in a no-win situation. If he stopped to answer, he would most likely get roughed up. Being a black man in Mississippi in the year 1930, he learned to avoid confrontation.
Robert picked up his pace, and his harasser lost interest after he got to the end of the block.
After twenty minutes of walking, Robert found himself outside of town, in front of Eddie's, the local juke joint, and heading in the door.
He laid some money down, and the bartender handed him a whiskey bottle and a glass. After grabbing them with a quick word of thanks, he headed for the table in front of the stage.
Two drinks into his bottle, Sonny House took to the stage with his acoustic blues band.
Robert spent the night drinking and listening to the music. He wanted to learn how to play that music more than anything. So much, that he saved up a few dollars and bought himself a guitar from Sears & Roebuck. It was nothing that a professional guitarist would be caught dead playing, but it served Robert's purpose - to learn how to play.
No matter how much he watched the guitar players and tried to imitate them, he couldn't seem to pick much up on his own.
Sonny's band finished their first set, and they went out back.
Robert was feeling pretty damn good after downing a bottle, and got brave. He leapt up onto the stage, grabbed Sonny's guitar and started playing away...horribly.
Some of the people in the crowded club began laughing at him. Others booed.
Sonny heard the commotion, and came around the stage.
"Put that guitar down! You're gonna scare all the customers away." Sonny half yelled, half laughed at him.
Embarrassed, Robert complied. He made his way to the stage door, and left the place relatively unnoticed, despite the ruckus he caused.
--------------------
It began raining the next afternoon. Robert left his crops, and was soaked by the time he made it back to his little shack that he rented on the farm.
He spent the rest of the day on his porch plinking and strumming away at his guitar, and working out a plan in his head.
As darkness fell, he threw his guitar over his shoulder with some braided bailing twine, and made his way back to Eddie's.
Being Saturday night, there was already a decent-sized sized crowd in the place.
As the bartender waited on him, he noticed Robert's guitar.
"You gonna entertain us again tonight?" he asked Robert with a cocky grin.
"No. I just need a bottle of courage. I ain't gonna make a fool of myself. Promise."
Robert paid the bartender, left the glass on the bar, and left the club with the bottle in his pocket.
He walked away from town along the dirt road, drinking as he walked. He went on like this for what seemed like hours, until he came to the crossroad of the great highways by Rosedale. He sat down on a rock pile alongside the roads, and began playing his guitar in his torturous way, pausing occasionally to take a nip from the bottle.
"Were you expecting someone?" a voice behind him in the weeds asked.
Robert jumped up with surprise.
"Yessir. Yes I am." He stuttered.
The voice became a person, as Robert's eyes focused in the dark. The person was a lot shorter than he expected. In fact he looked like an average 40-something white guy, with the exception of horns coming out of his head.
"I'm guessing that you came here because you want to learn how to play that guitar? Am I right, Jughead?" the stranger asked.
"Yes."
"Well. Here's your invitation to immortality, Gummo. All I'll need is your soul."
Robert noticed that the stranger was carrying a red guitar, and was oddly wearing what looked like bluejeans with the legs cut off.
So, would you like to play like this, dipshit?" the stranger asked as he started to play his guitar.
The sound that came from his guitar went something like;
chicka-chicka-chicka-chicka-chicka-chicka-chicka
There was no melody to it. Robert gave the stranger an aghast look.
"Wait. Gimme a minute to warm up, Potsie." the stranger requested. "How about this?"
Plinka-plonk plinka-plonk plinka-plonk plinka-plonk plinka-plonk
The stranger paused.
"Ummmm." Was all that Robert could say.
"Hold on, Nancy. Now I'll get it right." The stranger stated.
Chug-chug-chug-chug-chugchug-chug-chug
"You know what..." Robert interrupted
"What?" the stranger asked, a little dejected. The stranger took a deep breath and whined, "I'm the friggin devil. I take time out of my busy schedule to go out of my way for you to give you a leg up on your competition..."
"You know what, man?" Robert interjected, stopping his rant short. "I think that I'd rather play the harmonica."
With that, Robert turned around and started walking back toward home.
"Hey, wait up!" the stranger yelled.
Robert kept walking.
"Wait!"
"Hold on, man!"
"Can I have some of your booze?"
- VS -
Entry 2
Ever have one of those days?My morning started off with nothing a large cup of coffee couldn't fix—I had woken up late, couldn't find any clean clothes to wear, and my pathetic attempt to make a quick breakfast burnt in the toaster.
When I finally made it into work an hour or so late, the boss told me he needed to speak with me in his office. Fuck. I knew what that meant, and yep, the pink slip and escort from the security guard confirmed it. All of my office mates watched as I packed up my stuff, smirking and whispering amongst one another. They had known that I had high hopes for myself, and had even put in for a promotion that was up for grabs. I could feel my face heat up in embarrassment and quickly made my exit.
Outside of the office, tourists mill around. Normally I tolerate them, but today, life is shit and I don't want to stop to explain directions. Gaggles of foreigners stand helplessly in the middle of the city, pointing to maps and random buildings and speaking excitedly in their native tongues. Most of the suits that walk around yakking on cell phones look at me condescendingly when they notice the box of personal items I'm carrying around. One or two old ladies give me sympathetic looks as I board my train home and place the box next to me.
The trip drags on slowly and I count the stops until mine. Five, four, three left to go. A woman boards the train with an armful of brown grocery bags and I straighten up and flash her a grin. She flips her long auburn hair over her shoulder and smiles back—man, she's cute, and so I move my box of stuff to the floor. Her gaze drops down at it for a split second, her smile fades, and she hurries past me, her red pumps disappearing into the sea of feet.
I look at the box in contempt, sigh, and slump back into my seat again.
The train stops again and a crowd of white teenagers board. All of the seats are occupied by now. A lanky teen with an acne-spotted face, who I can only assume is the leader of the pack, turns his attention to me and the box at my feet.
"Yo, get yo pasty white ass outta that seat. I been workin' all day and I'll be damned if some broke ass loser sits while I hafta to stand."
My face flushes as I stammer my reply, "N-no. I was here first and th-there's no reason why I can't sit here."
The teen repeats his request, his voice rising to a louder level. This makes my face flush even more and I can feel other people glaring at me, no doubt hating me for not avoiding confrontation with this young man. The conductor announces my upcoming stop and I feel relief. I stammer consent, pick up my box, and move. The teen plops down in my seat and smirks in victory.
The doors barely open before I rush off the train and into the crowds. Home is just a few minutes away.
Sometimes life has a defining moment. For me, this is when I open the door to my apartment and realize that someone has broken in and trashed it. I pull out my cell phone to call someone, but then realize that there is no one for me to call. Sure, the police will file a report, but what more can they do? My place is trashed beyond repair. My television is missing, and upon further inspection, so are all of my valuables—my Mom's heirloom jewelry that she had left to me when she passed, all of my electronics and most of my appliances. They even stole the TOASTER, for Pete's sake!
I plop down on the floor and stare blankly at the mess surrounding me. I begin to reflect on my situation, my life, my utter lack of faith in humanity. There is no one to live for, and there is no purpose to my life.
I stop my thoughts. I don't like where this is going. I don't like where my mind has brought me. I have been to the deepest depths of despair and have battled my way back over many long hard years. The job that I had was testament that I was improving, but now with that gone, what am I going to do? There are bills that need to be paid, my apartment needs to be fixed, and I have absolutely no savings.
My apartment's clutter is overwhelming me right now and I stand. I need to get some fresh air, so I walk outside, the same blank-feeling making my feet numb to the pavement and the crowds around me. I don't know where I am going, but I have started the journey.
My thoughts are a jumbled, screaming mess, but above them, I can hear the wail of ambulance and police sirens. The screeching reality of the world gives me pause, and I turn to watch the large white and red trucks race by. They stop about two streets down from me and men in uniforms hurry into the office building. I continue to walk, weaving my way through gasping tourists until I arrive at the scene.
Up close, things are more organized and efficient. The paramedics are attending to some people that are crying with obvious pain from various wounds. What the hell is going on here?
A police officer starts to block people off from the scene.
"Get away! BACK UP! Everyone BACK UP!" He holds his hands palms out, and the crowd obediently shuffles away from the ambulances.
There is a sudden wave of panic amongst the crowd as the voices and screams of little kids are heard. Paramedics and policemen suddenly pile out of the building with armfuls of wriggling little children from the office's childcare. The speed in which the officials move take me by surprise, and my breath catches in the back of my throat as one little girl breaks free from a paramedic's grasp.
There is a sudden crack- a floor falling, maybe?- and everyone turns their eyes up to the building. I cannot take my eyes off the little girl. She is a streak of green Osh-Kosh overalls and blond hair.
Some people in the crowd half-heartedly attempt to grab the escapee, but she is long gone from their grasp before they even begin to try. She is running fast, far away from the building, panicked.
I feel the adrenalin pump through me and like a shot, I am off after this little kid. My feet pound the pavement and it isn't long before I intersect the girl's path and grab her by the strap on her overalls. She comes to a grinding halt and looks at me, shocked. Snot is plastered to her nose and her cheeks are wet with tears. She is pretty for a six year old, with big blue eyes and blond hair.
I kneel down to her level in front of her, without letting go of her strap. All at once she is in my arms and she sobs and cries for her Mommy. It's my turn to be shocked, but I wrap my arms around her.
A woman breaks free from the sea of people and rushes over to us. I can tell from the look of sheer panic on her face that this is the girl's mother. It is the cute woman from the train, the one with the auburn hair and red pumps and she is crying.
She gathers her hysterical daughter into her arms and buries her face into the child's neck. She is sobbing but the sound is muffled. She pauses suddenly and lifts her head and blurts out a 'thank you'. I don't know what to say and so I just nod. She hugs her daughter even tighter and starts to murmer soothingly to her.
It's a touching scene, but I feel like I am invading in a private moment and so I walk away from them. I am consoled by the thought that the woman would at least now remember me for a good deed, instead of my job status. I feel good about myself.
Although it wasn't what I had dreamed of being remembered for in life, it is an invite to immortality, no question about it, and I gratefully accept it with open arms. It is testament that no matter how small an act of kindness, it will always be treasured.
I straighten up, take a deep breath, and begin walking back to my apartment to sort things out.
Entry 1:
august_sobriquet
Axolotl
Bubba2341
Cinderblock
Coyote
EchoBoxing
GetNakeddd
ghola
Impassive-Digressive
indoninja
intellismartness
lechuza
littledan
Maltese
rad1101
Sacrilicious
sicosemen
SPECIALk
The_taste_of_Monkeys
Wiggles
19 eligible votes (20 total) *
Entry 2:
Amontillado
Ballare
Banga3386
Bellebrown
Bigmike
BLITZKREIG_BOB
bob
Bob_Dole
c1ndy
CaptainThorns
charminglybeef
coley
Confuzitron
corn_nugget
Crystle
darko
Davros
DonkeyOnTheEdge
DrogoRoch
firefly
fodesnor
FunnyAsCancer
Genko
GodChicken
goferforhire
HotWillie
Jack_McCallum
jgreening
JMG114
joedaddy
JoeyG
JonnyX
justagirl27
kaos-king
maiorano84
MandaPanda
Merlina
Method
morontian
NerfHerder
Orgasmatron
Pentameter
PokeyMen
rillins
satchel
scourge
Serious_Melvin
Soley_Trinity
sparkle_pink
St_Jimmy
Stagger_Lee
stevie_says
The_Yellow_Dart
William_Q_Percy
WingedFoote
49 eligible votes (55 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by Life101 (user info) at 2006-09-29 12:42:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
is voting over?
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-09-29 11:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Killer title, meh entries. Tragic.
Author 2 seemed to put forth more effort though.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2006-09-29 05:34:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-09-29 01:34:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by justagirl27 (user info) at 2006-09-28 23:57:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-09-28 22:25:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-09-28 20:53:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2006-09-28 17:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-09-28 16:55:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-09-28 11:31:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-09-28 10:40:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked #2 as it didn't go the way I actually expected it to.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2006-09-28 06:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-09-28 03:55:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-09-28 03:00:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-28 02:45:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LOLZ
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-09-28 02:32:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
both were quite solid, I thought the title was kind of tough to work with, so good job there. I like how you went in completely different directions, too. I mean, obviously, that's the whole point of this, but... yeah.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-28 01:05:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-09-27 16:59:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-09-27 15:30:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-27 12:02:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Author #1, I feel like taking a hammer and hitting you in the head with it. BONK-BONK-BONK! And while you scream in pain I'll take out a big motherfucking chainsaw, start it up, ZZZuh-ZZZuh-ZZZuh-ZZZUUUUUHHHHHHH, and cut your legs off with it. When you fall to the floor THUD!!! I'll piss on you ssssssssssssssssss while you bleed out. ...drip...drip..drip...
Author #2, I'm not sure what happened there, but your writing was clean enough that I was interested even as I scratched my head in befuddlement.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-09-27 04:55:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
#1 - Pretty damn funny. I, along with everyone else I'm going to assume, thought this was to be a piece on the legendary Robert Johnson. Shlongy as teh Devil, huh? Nice. However, the Uber reference made me pause...
#2 - This was well written and plotted out in an excellent manner. Just the right amount of charatcer development and a great payoff at the end, working in the title. Yep, you get the vote.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-09-27 01:36:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<Bob Dole moment of sincerity>
That was deep, man, real deep; very touching.
</Bob Dole moment of sincerity>
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-27 00:18:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I liked two better but I don't know what was going on in that building (a cracked floor, perhaps?) or whatever. Twas good anyhow.
One was alright and coulda gone somewhere, but sorry kids the shlongy shtick didn't tickle me.
(insert shlongy joke here)
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-09-26 23:37:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wish I hadn't laughed, but I did.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-09-26 22:32:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-26 21:51:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry, #2, but the crack on the Johnson legend took it. . .
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-09-26 21:19:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
That's a tough one.
The theme of number two was stronger, but the choice of circumstance for his 'invitation' was weak and diluted.
Number one was a shite twist on The Crossroads, but the prose was certainly better.
I'm gonna have to go with number two, mostly to express my disdain for the cheap shlongy gag.
Chin up, big deuce -- there were some good foundations to build on there.
Little wanting for time, perhaps?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-26 21:10:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-09-26 20:16:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2006-09-26 20:05:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am getting sick of all the serious and morbid writing in this competition... Some folks out there really need a hug.
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2006-09-26 19:08:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:42:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by rillins (user info) at 2006-09-26 17:16:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-09-26 16:16:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:54:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:40:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:34:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Didn't really need too much, did we? Twas good.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:22:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:18:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nigger and Jeff Laben looking like a gay nigger should be in every post.
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:16:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I laughed at the ending and the picture
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:00:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-09-26 14:49:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't even read entry 2. 1 was a copy of an SNL skit with Will Ferrell.
Submitted by Cinderblock (user info) at 2006-09-26 14:29:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by fodesnor (user info) at 2006-09-26 14:15:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:50:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was great
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:50:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:30:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:27:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
isn't this supposed to be a contest?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:10:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
IT'S THE LAST TRAIN TO DIPSHITVILLE
YOU CAN MEET ME AT THE STATION
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:06:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:05:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:32:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:24:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:05:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:45:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:40:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:38:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-09-26 10:56:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If pictures speak a thousand words...
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-26 10:11:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-26 10:04:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:52:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1, atrocious.
#2 I'll vote now, read later.
Submitted by PokeyMen (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:46:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Number two kicked all sorts of ass.
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:45:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was distracted, and forgot why I voted for this entry, despite it being better than the other one.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:37:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by august_sobriquet (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:13:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:56:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:45:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:43:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:36:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:31:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:31:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not to say that I didn't grasp the "irony" of number two... it was just boring irony. It was like irony that my grandma would be amazed by.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:29:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:28:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Number two wins ONLY because it was well written. However, it IS another case of good writing and bad plotting.
Number one bored me beyond belief.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:26:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:23:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Although #1 made me chuckle, #2 was much more interesting and thought-provoking.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:18:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus Christ.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:17:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment