Open Hand (1941 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.4 on 97 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UberMadness! (View user info) at 2006-09-26 09:31:42 EDT
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This post is officially part of UberMadness!. Click here for more information on the rules and restrictions. |
Entry 1
Open hands are extremely interesting to me.Why? Probably because you never know what's going to be placed within them. In a matter of moments, a pair of formerly barren palms can acquiesce a myriad of objects that offer the holder pleasure, pain, and all of the infinite sensations in between.
Think about it. Eating? Those utensils (and even the finger foods) have to go in those hands. Drinking? You grabbed that glass, cup, or can of beer with an open hand (or two if you're double-fisting). Killing someone? Either their neck, or a weapon, went into your open hands before closing down tightly from the adrenaline rush. There's even a complete military combat technique called "open hand combat", for Pete's sake. It's the natural way of fighting, after all.
Children are especially vulnerable to the ecstasy of open hands. When you were dressed up in your favorite Halloween costume, what did you hold out to receive a trick - or, better yet, a treat? Open hands. When you took your first toy to kindergarten for show-and-tell, how did you show that beloved object? In your open hands. When you first discovered that oh-so-tingly feeling from touching your "special place", where did you put your unit? In your brother's anu...I mean, in your open hands. (And then, of course, you CLOSED your hands around it, and the rest...well, the rest is history.)
Even the major religions advocate "open hands." How does one receive Communion? By extending open hands. (Or by sticking out your tongue, but in that case you're just a fruit begging to be molested by the pastor.) Where do devout Catholics hold their rosaries while reciting penance prayers for transgressions? In their open hands. Want to praise God, Allah, Krishna, Yahweh, or Jehovah? You'd better raise your arms in the air and open those hands while chanting or it's not true praise...c'mon, all the cool kids do it!
Michelangelo even knew that The Master of the Universe was all about open hands. Have you seen the Sistine Chapel? It depicts God reaching down from the cosmos to Earth with an extended arm and open hand, creating mankind.
What's that? Evolution, not creation, you say?
Well, surely one of the greatest painters of the Renaissance can't be wrong! I mean, c'mon...just LOOK at the Biblical evidence for creation from God's open hand:
Genesis 1:
26 Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth."
27 So God reached down to earth with an open hand, and created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him.
28 Then God realized that it was still the fifth day, not the sixth, and uttered, "Oh, shit!" as James began spouting verbal exclamations of jam.
29 And on the sixth day, God realized that James was simply an alter of one of his cherubim, and banished the demon to Hell before creating Adam from the man of dust from the ground, breathing into his nostrils the breath of life, and eradicating the earth of all jam for a thousand years.
Well....umm....okay, maybe not. But that's how it SHOULD have happened.
- VS -
Entry 2
"Right then. Let's just get this clear, shall we? Let's just get this little...... mess, in perspective."The man loomed over the boy, clearly frustrated with him, but still trying not to let his anger come across in his tone.
"What's that, you say? Oh, I see, you didn't mean for it to happen! Well, I guess that makes it alright, doesn't it? That makes it all 'hunky-fucking-dory', hmm? Here we are, back at square one, even more fucked than we were to begin with, but hey, none of that matters, because YOU DIDN'T FUCKING MEAN IT!"
The man released his pent up aggression, and slapped the boy hard across his face, as he spat the words out with venom and detest.
"Oh, stop your snivelling. You're supposed to be a killer, not some spoilt fucking rich kid who's been sheltered from what the world is really like. It's not even like it was a hard assignment. One fat old man, all alone, in a house miles from anywhere. Just straight in, slit the fucker's throat and straight back out. But I can't even trust you to get that right."
The man paced back and forth in front of the boy, who was sat on the floor with his back against the wall. The man rubbed at his temples, as if trying to massage out the signs of a coming migraine. The boy reached into his pocket, pulled out a packet of cigarettes, and produced a lighter that had been tucked inside the half empty carton of smokes. As he went to light up, the man ran forward and kicked a steel toe-capped boot into his hand, smashing the bones of three fingers.
"You really don't get it, do you? This was supposed to be our ticket out of here. We could have left all this shit behind. We could be on a fucking plane to Rio by now. FUCK!"
The man kicked out again, this time connecting solidly with the boys head, propelling it hard back against the concrete wall. The boy's body slumped further down the wall, leaving a thick trail of dark red blood from the back of his skull. His own inner will and determination were the only things that helped him maintain his consciousness. He wasn't going to go down easily.
The Open Hand society had made him tough. An assassin's guild for children who had been abandoned on the streets, it gave them food and shelter, and taught them acts of thievery and murder. Ritualistic beatings and prolonged bouts of torture hardened them against fear and pain.
The society was run by a man known only as "The Boss". An ex-Russian Mafia operative, wanted by the police for murder and extortion, and wanted by the mob for fitting them up in a 3 million dollar arms deal. He made his living these days by grooming youngsters into killing machines and hiring them out to wealthy businessmen who wanted to get an edge on their rivals.
The Boss had found the boy sleeping in a back alley. He had been watching him for a few days now. Watching, as he would shoplift food from the stores and pick the wallets from the pockets of the unwary shoppers as they went about their business. Once, the boy had nearly been caught when a large man grabbed him as he attempted to lift a purse from the handbag of an old lady. The boy showed no fear, simply grabbed the man round the throat, sinking long overgrown nails into his windpipe, and stabbed him in the eyes with the fingers of his other hand.
The boy happily accepted The Boss's offer, and quickly rose through the ranks of the guild. Several times his temper flared, and once he even killed another student. The other child had attempted to steal his cigarettes. The next morning he was found with a meat cleaver buried in his skull.
Before long, the boy was carrying out as many as 3 or 4 assignments a week. He had built up a reputation, and several of The Boss's clients would personally ask for him by name. The boy worked without hesitation, and more importantly, without guilt. The outside world had fucked him, fucked him real good, and it felt good to exact out some of the frustration he had inside him.
As time went on, he took more and more pleasure out of his work. Rather than taking out his marks with a knife to the throat or a single shot to the head, he would tie his victims up and play with them. He wanted to see the look of fear in their eyes, wanted them to know what was coming. He wanted to see them piss themselves when their bladder let go at the realisation that this was the end.
"Come, boy. I have a new job to be done. Walk with me, wont you?" The Boss led the boy down the deserted country path and outlined what he wanted done.
"This is different from your other jobs. This is something we can do together. There are a few people from my past who.......... shall we say..... "dislike" some of the things I have done. These people are coming for me, and I don't think they will have to look much longer before they find me. This makes things.......tricky for us. It's hard to operate a business when people are firing bullets at you. As is always the case, these people are just following orders. My job for you, is to............."remove" the man behind these orders."
The boy simply looked away and nodded silently.
"Here is an address. I'll leave the rest of the details to you........ just don't go fucking about this time. Straight in. Straight out. None of your fucking games, ok? Now, when you've killed him, look at his neck. He will have a key, on a necklace. The key that matches this one."
The Boss pulled out a small silver key on a chain.
"Both keys together open a safe deposit box. The box contains 3 million US dollars, money that was supposed to be used to supply Russian gangsters with arms from a Taliban cell in Pakistan. You kill the man, we get the box, and you take a 30 per cent share. After that you can go your own way, or come with me and leave the country."
The boy prepared for his final assignment, and made his way to the address he had been given.
The Boss had told him his plan. But the boy had plans of his own. A boy can do a lot with a cool million dollars....... but he could do a lot more with 3 million.
He had already decided he was going to get the other key, then kill The Boss once he knew the location of the deposit box.
He eyed up the house, and plotted the best approach. With stealth and speed, he quickly made it across the garden and surreptitiously peered in through the large bay window. The curtains were drawn, but there was enough of a gap to see his target.
Sat in a high backed chair in front of an open fire, was the man with the other key. The man who the boy had come to kill. The boy had scouted out the house, and knew that the front door was just off from the room he could see. With a crackling fire, and television playing, the boy could slip in undetected.
He reached the front door, and gingerly tried the handle. It was indeed, open as expected. He quietly slipped inside, and carefully closed the door behind him. Sidling softly down the hallway, he unsheathed a 6 inch dagger, the blade of which had been honed to a malicious bite. He was at the doorway into the living quarters. The man was still sat in the chair, his back to the boy.
One step, two steps, the boy gradually edged his way into the room, and positioned himself behind the chair. He could hear the breathing of the old man, who was completely unaware of what was about to happen. The boy raised the dagger and prepared to strike.
"Drop the knife, boy".
The voice had come from behind him, and was punctuated by the unmistakable click of a double-barrelled shotgun.
The boy did as he was told, and slowly turned to face the other individual in the room. The individual who had been waiting in the corner, out of sight from the window. The man in the chair stood up.
"Well, well, well. It was only a matter of time before Dmitri sent someone. Now, here's the deal........."
The Boss awoke with a start at the sound of his phone. He was expecting the call.
"Did you get the key?"
"We have the boy."
"You bastard! What do you want?"
"You, specifically. But, if you are willing to hand over your key, then I'm sure we can give you a sporting head-start to get out of the country."
"Name your place. The key for the boy."
"Wise decision. I'll send someone to the bridge in the woods. No fucking about".
By the time The Boss reached the bridge, he could already see the boy's captors. 3 armed guards stood around him. He was blindfolded, and his hands tied behind his back.
The transaction was carried out, and the guards sped off in the unmarked van. The Boss dragged the boy, and threw him into the back of his car.
"Do you have any idea how fucked we are? They'll have people all over us within 24 hours, you stupid boy. We have to go into hiding."
And so they did. The Boss wasn't done taking out his frustration on the boy. The boy looked up from the floor, his head still leaking blood onto the floor. He could see the anger, the rage that was painted on the face of his former mentor.
"3 fucking years, I waited for him to come out of hiding. 3 FUCKING YEARS!! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you right now, you worthless piece of shit!"
The boy clutched his hand. Opened it. Held it out to The Boss. In his hand were 2 small shiny keys.
"What the.... how did you....right, we don't have much time. We need to go to the bank in Jonesport, now"
The boy looked up, smiled, and spoke.
"I don't just kill. I always made a fucking good thief as well, remember? Here... take the keys."
The Boss reached for the keys, awestruck and starry eyed at the sight before him. His one last mistake.
With one fluid motion, the boy dropped the keys and seized the Russian's wrist.
"Open Hand, motherfucker."
He pulled the man of his balance, and whipped the dagger up into his throat as he fell.
"Open fucking Hand."
Entry 1:
Ballare
c1ndy
CaptainThorns
drgoatcabin
MandaPanda
Pentameter
PokeyMen
sicosemen
strwbryfanatic
The_taste_of_Monkeys
Wiggles
9 eligible votes (11 total) *
Entry 2:
a_reader
ahumblefool
AlwaysAnEagle
Amontillado
AsshOly
Axolotl
Bellebrown
Bigmike
bob
Bob_Dole
Bubba2341
charminglybeef
Chillax
Cinderblock
coley
Confuzitron
corn_nugget
Coyote
Crystle
darko
Davros
DonkeyOnTheEdge
DonovanMD
DrogoRoch
EchoBoxing
firefly
forthewin
FunnyAsCancer
Genko
GetNakeddd
ghola
goferforhire
HotWillie
Impassive-Digressive
indoninja
intellismartness
Jack_McCallum
jgreening
JMG114
joedaddy
JoeyG
JonnyX
justagirl27
kaos-king
lechuza
Life101
littledan
Merlina
Method
morontian
NerfHerder
Orgasmatron
pen_name
rad1101
RePet
rillins
Sacrilicious
satchel
scourge
Serious_Melvin
Soley_Trinity
sparkle_pink
SPECIALk
St_Jimmy
Stagger_Lee
stevie_says
Targa
The_Yellow_Dart
TigerLilly
William_Q_Percy
WingedFoote
66 eligible votes (71 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2006-10-02 09:49:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
First post:
acquiesce means relent or give up, not accept or hold. Learn to speak English, or make a post without using a thesaurus, and then enter next-year's Ubermadness.
I didn't even read the second one.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-02 08:41:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-30 02:09:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
For the record, it isn't me. Just wanted to get that clear. Captain, I e-mailed you yesterday, I hope you can see that I wouldn't bother with pathetic shit such as this. Whoever spent a buck on this is obviously retarded/gay/AIDS infested/limp-dicked/all of the above.
Someone out there is way too obssessed, clearly.
---------------------------------------------------
No worries Joe - I knew it wasn't you.
What was this post about again? :p
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2006-09-30 20:25:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"barren palms can acquiesce a myriad of objects"
pretty sure palms can't "acquiesce" anything tard butt face cheese
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-30 02:09:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-09-29 15:15:52 (#)
Ranking: 0
"What a fucking whiner: http://www.ubersite.com/m/93604#2163843"
So, who's the pansy that didn't have the balls to post this in a review instead of on the Uberboard?
It takes a REAL special hypocrite to anonymously whine about whining...
...which, incidentally, I wasn't "whining," I was just explaining why my post quality wasn't up to my usual par, because somebody would've asked eventually. Figured I'd beat the question to the punch.
I'm not gonna go all apeshit or ETS on your posts, but seriously, why not just man up and say something in a review, instead of wasting a dollar on the uberboard?
---------------------------------------------------
For the record, it isn't me. Just wanted to get that clear. Captain, I e-mailed you yesterday, I hope you can see that I wouldn't bother with pathetic shit such as this. Whoever spent a buck on this is obviously retarded/gay/AIDS infested/limp-dicked/all of the above.
Someone out there is way too obssessed, clearly.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-29 20:53:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whomever put the bullshit on the Uberboard is a gutless prick. Just write your shit in a review, you ignorant fuckstick. I'll bet you jerk off to your sisters panties. Moron.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-09-29 20:12:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
why the fuck are you calling out an uberboard submission? stop being such a whiny bitch and let it go.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-09-29 16:43:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What a fucking whiner (Part Deux): http://www.ubersite.com/m/93604#2164154
==============
HAR HAR
Keep it up, and soon Bart Bart will be rich.
Why don't you expose yourself? Or are you afraid? What have you to hide?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-09-29 15:15:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"What a fucking whiner: http://www.ubersite.com/m/93604#2163843"
So, who's the pansy that didn't have the balls to post this in a review instead of on the Uberboard?
It takes a REAL special hypocrite to anonymously whine about whining...
...which, incidentally, I wasn't "whining," I was just explaining why my post quality wasn't up to my usual par, because somebody would've asked eventually. Figured I'd beat the question to the punch.
I'm not gonna go all apeshit or ETS on your posts, but seriously, why not just man up and say something in a review, instead of wasting a dollar on the uberboard?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-09-29 12:23:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But I think that JoeyG would've beat me even if I would have had a week to work on it. He's an awesome writer and has a great shot at the crown.
I'M NOT WORTHY
I'M NOT WORTHY
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-09-29 12:22:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Being that voting is now over...
...I would like to publicly apologize for my travesty of an entry in this matchup, better known as Entry 1 of "Open Hand."
Like I said, I was gone all of last week on vacation, and forgot all about Ubermadness until a day or two before the deadline. The title wasn't an easy one to work with on short notice, and writer's block bum rushed me, BADLY.
But, better to write something...ANYTHING...than wimp out in a forfeit, right?
I'll do better in Round 2. Promise.
*hangs head in shame*
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-09-29 11:32:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-09-29 11:32:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Easy choice
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2006-09-29 11:13:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I only skimmed entry 2, but I just didn't get the point that entry 1 was making.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2006-09-29 05:29:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2006-09-29 03:50:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-09-29 03:38:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sick of voting now.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-09-29 02:54:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-09-29 01:25:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by justagirl27 (user info) at 2006-09-28 23:58:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Life101 (user info) at 2006-09-28 21:22:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ruining art one peice at a time
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2006-09-28 20:46:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tricky to pick.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2006-09-28 18:11:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-09-28 17:18:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Entry 2 could have been great, but came off a little disjointed.
I still thought it was better than 1.
-Dave
Submitted by PokeyMen (user info) at 2006-09-28 15:49:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-28 15:32:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by PokeyMen (user info) at 2006-09-28 08:19:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-27 18:37:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by PokeyMen (user info) at 2006-09-27 13:12:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-27 11:52:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
Author #1, why did you even enter this contest? Why? I really want to know.
========================================
I'm sure we'll find out on Friday after the voting ends and the veil is lifted...as I too would like to know what the hell Author #1 was thinking.
Because it was sheer BRILLIANCE.
--
What a god-damned idiot.
===============================
I was being sarcastic, Jack.
DURRRRRR
--
Sarcastic? You voted for the fucking thing!
=============================================
Yeah, out of pity, because I knew author #1 was gonna be hosed as soon as I saw #2.
What difference does it make? Bart's script is broken so my votes don't count anyway.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-28 15:32:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by PokeyMen (user info) at 2006-09-28 08:19:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-27 18:37:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by PokeyMen (user info) at 2006-09-27 13:12:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-27 11:52:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
Author #1, why did you even enter this contest? Why? I really want to know.
========================================
I'm sure we'll find out on Friday after the voting ends and the veil is lifted...as I too would like to know what the hell Author #1 was thinking.
Because it was sheer BRILLIANCE.
--
What a god-damned idiot.
===============================
I was being sarcastic, Jack.
DURRRRRR
--
Sarcastic? You voted for the fucking thing!
Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info) at 2006-09-28 14:07:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-09-28 13:46:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Is the jam thing still going? Sweet!
Submitted by PokeyMen (user info) at 2006-09-28 08:19:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-27 18:37:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by PokeyMen (user info) at 2006-09-27 13:12:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-27 11:52:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
Author #1, why did you even enter this contest? Why? I really want to know.
========================================
I'm sure we'll find out on Friday after the voting ends and the veil is lifted...as I too would like to know what the hell Author #1 was thinking.
Because it was sheer BRILLIANCE.
--
What a god-damned idiot.
===============================
I was being sarcastic, Jack.
DURRRRRR
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-09-28 04:02:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-28 00:51:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I really only skimmed #2.
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-09-27 23:46:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
in terms of comparing one story to another, this is the worst blowout I've seen. entry two was awesome, entry one was... lacking
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2006-09-27 21:47:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-09-27 20:08:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-27 18:37:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by PokeyMen (user info) at 2006-09-27 13:12:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-27 11:52:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
Author #1, why did you even enter this contest? Why? I really want to know.
========================================
I'm sure we'll find out on Friday after the voting ends and the veil is lifted...as I too would like to know what the hell Author #1 was thinking.
Because it was sheer BRILLIANCE.
--
What a god-damned idiot.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-09-27 17:07:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Entry two's dialogue seemed a bit off, but the twist at the end saved it.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-09-27 15:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No comment
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2006-09-27 14:57:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PokeyMen (user info) at 2006-09-27 13:12:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-27 11:52:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
Author #1, why did you even enter this contest? Why? I really want to know.
========================================
I'm sure we'll find out on Friday after the voting ends and the veil is lifted...as I too would like to know what the hell Author #1 was thinking.
Because it was sheer BRILLIANCE.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-27 11:52:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can see what you were going for Author #2, and the foundation is great (orphan assassins). This would have been better with a lot more polish, but congrats for the effort, considering the unspeakable absurdity that is entry #1.
Author #1, why did you even enter this contest? Why? I really want to know.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-09-27 07:33:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-09-27 05:07:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
#1 - I'm not entirely sure what this was. And while I have no issue with Jay one way or the other, it's yet another Uber inside joke. I just don't think that's appropriate for UM. And, uh... like I said - I'm not entirely sure what this was.
#2 - Regardless, this was a good tale. You would have had to have much stronger competition for me to even consider NOT voting for you. I pretty much saw the end coming, but the ride there was excellent...
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-09-27 03:02:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-09-27 02:04:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-09-27 01:48:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-09-27 01:01:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Um...
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-27 00:25:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bah dumb jpeg joke sorry
2 is alright
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-09-27 00:20:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-09-26 23:21:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-09-26 22:23:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-26 21:56:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
@1, you can JAM IT UP YOUR ASS !! !! !!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-26 21:21:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-09-26 20:25:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2006-09-26 20:08:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry one was awful. But once again, I would like to see a bit less angst-ridden writing and something that I actually enjoy reading...
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-26 19:29:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:23:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:11:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DING DING DING.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2006-09-26 17:34:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by rillins (user info) at 2006-09-26 17:13:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RePet (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:47:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:40:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, #2 wasn't that great.
But #1...if you think cheap shots at Jpeg are how you're gonna win this thing...well, you're just a jackass.
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:37:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 was bullshit
these entries keep pissing me off
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-09-26 14:46:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2006-09-26 14:22:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:57:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:53:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hate most dialogue on ubersite posts. Unless you are super amazing, you should avoid dialogue at all costs.
With that said, I still voted for number 2, even with the dialogue.
I already forgot what number one was about, but I remember not liking it.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:49:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol @ jaypig
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:29:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:28:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
hey author 1, the title is open hand not open hands.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:04:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
not bad, #2, at least you had the trappings of a story in there - the narrative got a little shaky - you could have left the whole first part, and been OK.
As for you, Author #1, and your little 'story'...listen, when Andy Rooney dies, you can have his job, mmkay? Until then, STFU...
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:02:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
For fucks sake, that pic is fucking 20 months old.
Get over me, whoever the fuck you are.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:40:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:25:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
kicked ass
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:24:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:18:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:50:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:50:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
entry two did not have a picture of jgreening. two wins.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:41:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:38:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:32:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:24:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The second one was kind of cliche...more of what I would expect.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:13:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:05:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-09-26 10:54:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Cinderblock (user info) at 2006-09-26 10:33:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Entry 2 made me cry a little inside.
Brilliant.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-09-26 10:00:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-26 10:00:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:53:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"stop snivelling, you're gonna make some plastic surgeon a rich man."
You reminded me of this number two, oh, and yours is better.
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:50:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Do I even have to explain why this time?
Solid stuff for number two, number one was just pitiful.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:48:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 started off interesting, then slipped in the tub and was knocked unconcious when the Uber referances appeared.
#2, while not a strong story, was decent.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:48:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PokeyMen (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:45:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:38:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:37:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:37:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:36:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment