I promise that I will not cook, clean or get drunk and try to sleep with you until at least the second week. (Adventures of an Aspiring Flatmate) (1926 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.56 on 67 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by I_can_get_you_a_toe (View user info) at 2006-09-26 17:44:20 EDT
To start off - flat hunting is annoying, really annoying. Being all fake nice to people that you would eventually end up pissing off anyway because they dont think that leaving unwashed dishes in the sink for two weeks is perfectly reasonable and visiting some truly disgusting houses that you are afraid to even breathe the air.
But I was completely frantic, I had less than a week to find another place to live otherwise i was going to be homeless - not due to lack of money but to a deep seeded need to be lazy and procrastinate as often as possible. (Video rental stores loathe me)
I had booked to see three flats for that day, because that was all I could be bothered seeing.
The first house was a modest 3 bedroom, to be shared with two other people, it looked nice, the people seemed nice, their bin was chock full of empty beer bottles which is a favourable sign.
I could smoke inside, and I even thought that I could learn to live with the strange stain that made a centrepeice in the carpet of my proposed room. Then snag..............they owned a dog - now I'm not anti-dog but if i had to swear allegiance it would be to the pussy.
The snag was that i own a cat who is 1 and half years old, with a short attention span and fetish for toilet water (that last part I had to find out the hard way - 'Darling why are all wet? dont worry you can still rub up against me........OH DEAR GOD!WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL?!)
she was a spur of the moment buy, I had not given any thought to the fact that for the next 15 years or so she was gonna be around.
Oh well, I guess it was goodbye to the would be drinking buddies and goodbye to the strange stain.
The Second house was absolutely perfect, it had all the mod cons - dishwasher, digital television, nice couches that didnt look second hand and a bonus - the toilet and shower were in separate rooms. There I would be living in a four bedroom house with 2 other people, I could smoke, i could bring my cat and I was getting on great with future flatmate so at that point my only complaint was that the house was little tooo clean (tip to future flat hunters - neat freaks can be an absolute nightmare to live with especially to lazy slobs like myself)
Then the conversation turned to job profession, as it invariably does when talking to strangers - he was a chef (I bravely fought the urge to yell 'You're a chef? Good now go cook me some fucking eggs bitch)
But I could see he was holding something back - something that needed to be said before I moved in, I braced myself to knee him in the nuts if he revealed that he and his flatmate were christians or worse - Jehovah Witness peoples.
Then he dropped the bomb "Well I thought you should know that the other flatmate is a cop"
My stomach dropped and blood thundered in my ears, oh hell no! there was no way I would be able to live with a cop. I enjoy illegal drugs just way damn too much, I also like to drive around in an unregistered vehicle while mildly intoxicated and I think the height of fun is getting my underage teenage sisters and their friends to drink until they throw up.
No can do, so that was another bust.
Throughly disheartened, I went to the third house, it was in a dodgy area but when I had called on Saturday afternoon to arrange a time the guy had seemed drunk which was a good sign, it had been awhile since I'd had a day drinking buddy.
Well think of the most run down house and grade this one half a notch higher.
The porch felt like it was going to give way at a moments notice and I think the house used to be painted blue before most of it peeled off, I would have turned and walked away but felt the porch wouldnt be able to support me a second time so I waited it out.
The guy who came to the door let me in and showed me around he was a musician, and the house was HUGE six big ass bedrooms, 3 separate lounges, big kitchen. The only real problem was that the house was over 100 years old and looked it.
However it was perfect, I wouldnt have to worry about damaging anything and getting taken to court about it (whats a few holes in the wall anyway? Cricket is a perfectly fine game to play in the house) Half the windows either didnt open or didnt close, the alcohol store was within crawling distance and there was this groovy bubble thing in the floor of one of the lounges due to part of the lino becoming unstuck. And at that stage it was only going to be me and him in this huge place.
I now live in the same house with seven other crazy people. Its insane but I love it.
User Reviews
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-04 14:59:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-29 02:14:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just gonna finish this off before bed, with no bad jokes.
Submitted by ArnieGeddon (user info) at 2007-11-05 18:58:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://english.aljazeera.net/NR/exeres/F93C150C-1446-492B-93B8-D930C6EE8412.htm
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-11-05 09:19:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
RETALITORY -2 WOOOO!!
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-01 12:46:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
(Video rental stores loathe me)
-----------
No, no, you got this wrong. They adore you, until they realise that you're never going to show up and PAY the overdue fines you're racking up. And then they move past loathe to "search and destroy" without ever stopping to smell the coffee.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-02-06 22:10:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
*heavy sigh*
hot_pocket ressurected your post.
k?
and maori people don't like it when aussies try to use thier words.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-02-06 20:48:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*blinks*
um, no, I still don't get it. You're very odd.
Better start saving Lilo, 5 Australian dollars is a months rent in one of those dilapidated housing commission houses you guys have slowly pulled apart for your nightly hangi cookups, isn't it?
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-02-06 20:19:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay, you're obviously kinda slow - that's o.k I never expect much more from australians. Now please take a look at exhibit A below.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-02-06 18:12:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
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Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2007-02-06 18:07:31 (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
*arrow pointing upwards*
Got it now?
...
I'll take that bet
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-02-06 18:52:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
next time you want to randomly rate one of my posts make it a good one (there's like a fucking hundred and eight of them), not that steaming pile of balls that you stuck on the front page. What in holy hell is wrong with you? btw nice start to the super 14 beeotch - maybe you need more teams. 5 australian dollars says you get knocked out by the french at the World Cup (draw providing), can you afford that sort of money?
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-12-22 08:22:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks....
Does this mean we get to internet fight now?
cos that would be awesome.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-12-22 07:08:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I love the movie that you have derived your name from. Unfortunately, you are just another shithead alter. Congratulations.
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-12-03 11:10:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-12-03 10:52:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-03 02:29:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-11-29 16:40:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by YoMikeyA (user info) at 2006-11-29 09:48:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"and I think the height of fun is getting my underage teenage sisters and their friends to drink until they throw up"
ha ha, me too brother, me too.....except change "sisters" to "girls".....and instead of "throw up", maybe, gag, um....
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-11-29 07:15:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
There's always a climax
ALWAYS!
(sometimesnotreallyokmaybenot)
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-29 07:03:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Interesting. I kept reading even though I knew there wasn't going to be a climax.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-10-19 21:54:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome awesome awesome.
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-10-19 21:41:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome my Kiwi friend.
Please take Russell Crowe back now. seriously.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-19 21:29:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
These first two posts are great reading.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-09-27 17:36:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-09-27 08:00:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll be looking for a new housemate from next June-ish. There's no way I'm giving up the house I'm in, I fucking love it and the rent is a steal. It's going to be a hard push to find someone who both parties hard and doesn't mind pulling their weight with the clean up.
The house is only 100 years old and falling to pieces already? You're American, right? Our new ones are older than that. My place is 114 and solid as ever, that's fairly shoddy construction right there.
Welcome to uber though. I don't say that very often.
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I'm from New Zealand.
Don't really know why I had to point that out.
But I did.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-09-27 14:09:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ubmitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-09-27 13:55:08 (#)
Ranking: 1
"...polish your grammar before it grows fangs and bites you in the pecker. "
_____________________
Everything you ever wanted to know about livEvil <----
User id: 26972
Registered on or around: 2006-05-18 09:20:36
# Messages posted: 4
# Reviews written: 677
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 96
# Hits: 1463
Average rating of all messages: -0.26
_______________________
Coming from the authority on the subject, eh? The rating here doubles your best overall rating you've ever received...
Submitted by Biotch (user info) at 2006-09-27 14:04:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I look foward to reading more posts from you
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-09-27 13:55:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"You're a chef? Good now go cook me some fucking eggs bitch"
^That^ was arguably the best line in your post.
Welcome to Uber and polish your grammar before it grows fangs and bites you in the pecker.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-27 13:34:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good start.
-2DIEandwelcometoUber
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-09-27 13:26:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
made me smile a few times...
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Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-09-27 08:00:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
The house is only 100 years old and falling to pieces already? You're American, right? Our new ones are older than that. My place is 114 and solid as ever, that's fairly shoddy construction right there.
----------------
American's typically don't call people flatmates, they call them roommates... and they spelled favorable "favourable" in addition to playing Cricket inside the house.
Brush up on those retention skills, eh pal?
...then follow that up with fucking your knowledge on American Architecture followed by yourself.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-09-27 13:07:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the user name.
"The Dude abides."
Submitted by Uberjunkie (user info) at 2006-09-27 12:45:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-09-26 19:53:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Some of my favorites:
"Donny, you're out of your element."
"What's a pederast?"--"Shut the fuck up, Donny."
"8 year olds, Dude."
"Oh, you're Bunny."--"I'll suck your cock for a thousand dollars."
"I too dabbled in pacifism,"
"Nobody fucks with the Jesus."
"This is what happens, Larry, when you fuck a guy in the ass."
and my most favorite........
"They pee'd on your fucking rug, Dude."
-------
You forgot the best line EVAR...
"Nice marmot."
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-09-27 08:27:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You may want to reconsider the whole flatmate thing and find a place on your own...privacy is bliss.
Oh, and welcome to Uber.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-09-27 08:00:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll be looking for a new housemate from next June-ish. There's no way I'm giving up the house I'm in, I fucking love it and the rent is a steal. It's going to be a hard push to find someone who both parties hard and doesn't mind pulling their weight with the clean up.
The house is only 100 years old and falling to pieces already? You're American, right? Our new ones are older than that. My place is 114 and solid as ever, that's fairly shoddy construction right there.
Welcome to uber though. I don't say that very often.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-09-27 04:14:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You'd hate me as a housemate. I'm one of those neat freaks..
Good post
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-09-27 01:18:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:24:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude. Stay here and keep posting.
You have TONS of potential.
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No matter what you say, you say it in the most annoying way possible.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-09-27 00:10:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-09-26 19:53:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Some of my favorites:
"This is what happens, Larry, when you fuck a guy in the ass."
***
It's 'stranger', 'not man'.
Otherwise it makes no sense.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-09-27 00:06:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-09-26 23:55:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have 2 'flatmates'. They rock. Glad you found coo ones. Shitty ones can be...well, shitty.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-09-26 23:50:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck is a 'flat'?
Now to read
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-09-26 21:52:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-26 21:33:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome to uber - you'll fit in.
Ignore most of what ETS said..
But he's right about Kaos_King and Jack McCallum being good writers. Read some of thier stuff.
Also - not all the girls are whores, sluts, and or criminals.
Can't wait to read more of your stuff!
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2006-09-26 21:25:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It's easy to solve cat problems, all you need is a really big rock.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-09-26 21:24:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Yeah, Walter, you're right, there is an unspoken message here. It's fuck you! Leave me the fuck alone!"
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-09-26 20:50:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God damn you Walter! You fuckin' asshole! Everything's a fuckin' travesty with you, man! And what was all that shit about Vietnam? What the FUCK, has anything got to do with Vietnam? What the fuck are you talking about?
The Dude: And, you know, he's got emotional problems, man.
Walter Sobchak: You mean... beyond pacifism?
The Dude: Fortunately, I'm adhering to a pretty strict, uh, drug, uh, regimen to keep my mind, you know, uh, limber.
The Dude: Well, I still jerk off manually.
Maude Lebowski: Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski?
The Dude: 'Scuse me?
Maude Lebowski: Sex. The physical act of love. Coitus. Do you like it?
The Dude: I was talking about my rug.
Maude Lebowski: You're not interested in sex?
The Dude: You mean coitus?
Walter: Lady, I got buddies who died face-down in the muck so you and I could enjoy this family restaurant!
Dude: All right, I'm leaving. I'm sorry ma'am.
Walter: Don't run away from this, Dude! Goddamnit, this affects all of us!... Our basic freedoms!... I'm staying. Finishing my coffee... Finishing my coffee.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-09-26 19:53:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Some of my favorites:
"Donny, you're out of your element."
"What's a pederast?"--"Shut the fuck up, Donny."
"8 year olds, Dude."
"Oh, you're Bunny."--"I'll suck your cock for a thousand dollars."
"I too dabbled in pacifism,"
"Nobody fucks with the Jesus."
"This is what happens, Larry, when you fuck a guy in the ass."
and my most favorite........
"They pee'd on your fucking rug, Dude."
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-09-26 19:43:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"i am the walrus?"
"VLADIMIR ILYICH ULYINOV NOT JOHN LENNON DONNY YOU FUCKING IDIOT"
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-09-26 19:41:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Flat hunting does suck. I ended up living with a crazy alcoholic guy one time. Fun, but wearing.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-09-26 19:36:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh bullocks, don't listen to ETS. He thinks the entire world is out to get him.
Here is the best representation of him that anybody could show you. http://www.ubersite.com/m/91913
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-09-26 19:32:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome to Uber. I already like you.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-09-26 19:26:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:56:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
or you could just grow up you fucking slob.
What kind of man has a cat anyway?
Spastic.
--------------------
Yeah well, thats, just like, your opinion, man
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-26 19:17:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:56:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
or you could just grow up you fucking slob.
What kind of man has a cat anyway?
---
It'll be funny if this dude turns out to be an English Jack McCallum...
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:56:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
or you could just grow up you fucking slob.
What kind of man has a cat anyway?
Spastic.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:53:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Used to live in almost the exact same sounding house but with only 3 of us living there. Unless you count the girlfrends. I loved living in the "beer hall".
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:48:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A few things you need to know here, n00b, that will save you a LOT of pain.
Indoninja, jgreening, wardy, and woody are complete morons and are not to be trusted.
People think Jack_McCallum, ghola, Kaos_King, and a few others can "really write good", but those people don't know what the hell they're talking about.
Method and Apollo are Greek and English gay men, respectively, and they enjoy large beach towels and efficient cock-pumps.
Strawberryfanatic, circe, FA, Tigerlilly, Pentameter, inion, well, basically all women, are whores and criminals.
And electrictoothsyndrome, AKA ETS, is a god amongst mortal men and by far the most interesting and productive being on here. You may find his fascinating posts spanning all manner of subjects both great and small here: http://www.ubersite.com/u/electrictoothsyndrome
Now go forth and make me proud.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:40:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:20:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
don't mind ETS, he's just got a load of sand in his vagina. And he's allergic to sand
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Do not question the health of my vagina, nor speak of its propensity for collecting sand.
Sand exfoliates the vagina.
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:34:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:20:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
don't mind ETS, he's just got a load of sand in his vagina. And he's allergic to sand
-------------------------------------------------------
P.S. - The sand in the vagina references originated from me. Goferforhire (and others) are plagiarists. :p
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:34:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have high hopes for you.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:24:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude. Stay here and keep posting.
You have TONS of potential.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:21:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Believe me - alot of crazy shit happens, one of my flatmates is a flight attendant.
Two words;
Cheap. Alcohol.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:20:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
don't mind ETS, he's just got a load of sand in his vagina. And he's allergic to sand
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:16:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You get a +2 in hopes that this will be the start of a well written series about crazy shit that happens in your house with 7 people (dwarves?).
Now that The Dude Upstairs series is gone...
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:13:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-09-26 17:59:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
You get a +2 for having a Big Lebowski reference as your name.
---
Perhaps my favourite film
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:12:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm suprised, most people dont get the big lebowski reference.
"You want a toe? I can get you a toe believe me. There are ways Dude, you dont wanna know about it, believe me"
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:12:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Twoo Shevern Eyt Nayn Fayve!
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-09-26 17:59:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You get a +2 for having a Big Lebowski reference as your name.
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2006-09-26 17:56:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ETS, be nice to the n00b
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-09-26 17:53:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh wait...
Fuck yourself, noob.
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2006-09-26 17:52:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ETS broke your cherry.
That's not a good thing.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-09-26 17:50:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First review ever.