Downward Spiral (580 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.66 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nyxmar (View user info) at 2006-09-28 18:45:55 EDT
I'm 27 and my health is failing. I tell you this because its something to write about, and for a brief time I might forget what's going on. I ask for no sympathy nor tears. This is no emo, look at how bad my life is cry for me, crap. At least half of what inflicts me was brought about by poor health and a mild phobia of doctors and dentists. All in all, some of this shit i could have avoided. But we reap what we sow, so here we go....
I'm 27 and my health is failing.
I feel it dripping away like a leaky faucet that no one's bothered to fix. What was once a big strong body, has degenerated into something much, much less. My very existence has changed with it. My normal life has been replaced with frenetic moments of clarity in between waves of painkillers and muscle relaxants. My mind used to be an orchestra of perfection working brilliantly in time, it has been replaced with a badly pieced together orchestra of chaotic sounds, all marching to a different tune. Ahh, back to reality. A hint of sadness glazes my eyes as I watch these young children at play. I will never marry, nor father children. This is a fact I've realized for some time now. Fortunately for me, a 5 yr old cannot read the pain in a young man's eyes. Slowly I smile as my young niece comes running over and attempting to do one of our special leaping hugs. She has forgotten her once strong uncle is no longer capable of lifting and twirling her around. This moment hurts, somehow i feel as though I am less of a man than I used to be. After seeing the disappointment in her eyes I kneel down, this in itself requires a Herculean effort, and give her a huge hug. I don't stop until she starts laughing saying "I cant breathe uncle Matt". Reluctantly, I let her go and ask her how her day was as we gather up her stuff and I take her home to my sis.
Drip, drip, drip....
Woke up in extreme pain this morning. It's the reason I've been terrified to go to sleep. Everyone's had a Charlie horse I'd imagine. Ever get one for 40 to 45 mins? This is the new wrinkle in my existence. They started slowly, one here, one there. They're almost daily now. I've been betrayed, both my legs are now against me. I wake up and i feel the knot in the right leg, immediately i bend the toes towards my face to try and ward off what i know is inevitable. But i must try, never give up that's my motto. I'm almost at the end of sanity when it slowly starts to give, muscle loosening slightly, allowing me to bend the calf and stretch a little bit, but wait I said "Legs" as in plural didn't I? All this time my left leg has been lying in wait, and it seizes its moment well, it locks, both muscles constricting, one on top of the other. I'm so involved with my left leg I fail to remember my right, which is when it too locks up. Now all i can do scream, cry and sob until an end comes. In a matter of moments I have been reduced to squalling infant incapable of speech and thought. There is only pain, an unending burst of pain so exquisite, I think it is a thing of beauty. It is so pure, and for a time this is all i feel. I lapse into unconsciousness.
Drip, drip, drip....
With each new test I am filled with hope, only to have that hope dashed upon the rocks. In the end we place these physicians on pedestals so high; they have no choice but to let us down. "On a long enough timeline the survival rate for everyone is zero." I wonder if I'm dying. This thought has occurred many times. Surely they would be able to figure this out, right. Maybe, maybe not, for now I keep going to the doctors. My life is passing away one doctors visit at a time, somewhat like sand in an hourglass. This is starting to get truly depressing. Depression is a common theme in my family. it's the dirty little secret that no one talks about. Its a topic that is evaded and glossed over without ever being resolved. Such is the nature of depression, it has a way of feeding itself on the joys and happiness of life and regurgitating something putrid and rank in its stead. Depression strikes early in our family too, this too is not mentioned. I'll speak only for myself and for my sister. She got help, and she is much better for it. I'm a quiet person, and I hate attention. It took a long time to seek help, and even then it was thrust in my path, I didn't seek it out. My own path is darker, and is descending at an exponential rate. I wonder how magnificent the crash will be. I often contemplate these thoughts through a haze of painkillers and muscle relaxants. These luckily reduce the pain from a level of screaming and pounding your fists at anything and everything to a level of discomfort and grimaces. I'll take grimaces any day.
Drip, drip, drip....
The last year has been rough. It seems that each time you finally put yourself on a correct path, obstacles rain down from the heavens to lead you astray. I often wonder how I came to such dire straits. My childhood was uneventful, if not boring. I was never physically abused, suffered severe trauma, or any other disastrous events that would shape my life into this tragic descent. I see no rhyme nor reason, and maybe this is the most perplexing thought of all. The universe is truly random, shit does just happen. I dunno, fuck it. As I look at myself now, I quietly wonder if it is time to cash in my chips. One or two of my friends have joked about this being my best option, sometimes I wonder if it's the only option. Physically I feel like a circus grotesque, having gained 60lbs since my car accident and medications having stripped the enamel of my teeth. Combine that with pain, and we have definitely hit rock bottom. Mentally, I'm still sharp. I've always been a brilliant person. Easily swept through high school and college without applying myself. That is a regret, I had fun in college, I graduated in 4 and a half years with 2 majors and 3 minors. Achieved a 3.2 GPA and a beautiful 31% attendance rate. What can I say, morning classes aren't for me. I wish I had applied myself more. Maybe things could have turned out different.
Drip, drip, drip...
Sometimes I wonder if suicide is the only answer left. When you look at your life and all you see and feel is pain, its tough to evaluate things. One by one I've lost touch with my friends. Its hard to connect when they cant understand what you're going through. What do you say when they ask how your day is going? How do you stay positive for them. I've learned that friends need that. A lot of time that's what holds friendships up. How do you keep friends when you cant go out because it hurts too much to move. You cant go clubbin, play basketball, even sitting down and watching a movie can be painful. How many real conversations can you have with someone who is so doped up to stop the pain, they wont remember anything that was said. Like i said, I cant really blame them. Quality of life is definitely sinking. "Negative Ghost Rider the Pattern is full".
Drip, drip, drip....
As recently as a month ago I had thought we were closing this chapter of my life. They had discovered what they thought was the root of my problems. that being a herniation of the L4-L5 disc. Surgery is on the horizon. Its kind of sad when the only thing in life you're looking forward to is them opening up and fucking around near your spinal cord. It took long enough to figure this out. I've had 7 major tests in 4 months and not a week has gone by that i didn't have a doctors appointment of some kind. The constant doctors visits and tests and worrying are draining my soul as much as my wallet. I find myself pushed through sanity into the insane beyond, and finally thrust through the walls of the outermost soul where only weariness and resignation reside. Everything is gray here. The most common phrase I've heard this year "You're too young to have these problems." Thanks, I feel a lot better about my situation now. Doctors, dentists, and nurses have a way of making you feel like crap. There's nothing like kicking a person when they're down. At this rate it wont be long now. My doctors today have ordered more tests. They seem to think one or more of my organs might be shutting down, but they aren't sure which. Of course, they wont tell me this until they are sure, but any idiot can look up the tests they have planned and see where they are headed. Maybe the Kidneys, liver, or pancreas. We need more tests. Don't worry son, we'll figure out what's wrong. I can only hope that's true. More sand slips through to the bottom half of my life.
The sand is slipping faster now.
- "My soul has soared to eagle's peaks, only to fall to the darkest pits, to be heard from no more. The falling a gentle sigh like the whisperings of a lover as the walls unprotected are cast down and the soul laid bare for all to see. It is in this moment that its nakedness is known and all will see beginning's end."
User Reviews
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-01-06 20:56:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God you people (inion) are awful :P
he's not dead; he rated my superawesome spine/blue toilet post.
Matt I am glad you don't have the leg pain anymore..it sounded awful. Hope you are doing well.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-01-06 18:11:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-01-06 18:10:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i wonder if he's dead.
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-06 17:59:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-01-06 17:17:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm speechless. Almost made me cry (but not because I'm really really tough..mmmhm yeah that's it).
I want to ask how you are doing now, but I probably wouldn't like the answer.
Regardless I send my good vibes to you via the computer connection.
Submitted by nyxmar (user info) at 2006-09-29 18:10:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you merlina and joey, ralphyboy, I'm just tryin to make 28, we'll go from there
Submitted by ralphyboy (user info) at 2006-09-29 14:23:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wait until you are fifty.....
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-09-29 07:17:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this was beautifully written.
I'll look forward to more from you.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-29 04:32:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this, but it does seem harsh to gain pleasure from others misfortune.
Oh well. I am what I am.
Submitted by nyxmar (user info) at 2006-09-29 02:04:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for being an idiot. Thanx COmountain, i didnt know that. Stupid Noobie mistake, this is the first piece of writing that i wanted to do well on. Thanx for not holding it against me. Laika, i do believe in God, although it is more of a personal thing for me. Ive never been a believer in the church though. The thing with the friends is just a natural part of life. I can fully understand why relationships can become distant, Its not about being negative but the fact that you cant expect them to understand what it is youre going through. I have an honestly problem, if someone asks how my day is, well Im in pain and that sux. But you cant expect your friends to deal with it day in and day out, they have their own lives and problems that they have to deal with.
Submitted by laika (user info) at 2006-09-29 00:36:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I thought I might be dying, I would figure out what was really most important to do with my
remaining time and if there was any message I wanted to leave behind.
I dont know what religious beliefs you have. I am most likely an atheist myself.
If you have some sort of traditional christian book that inspires you then great. But I would probably
pick these 3 to read if I were in your situation.
My Religion- Leo Tolstoy
The Perennial Philosophy- Aldous Huxley
Man's Search for Meaning- Victor Frankl
American culture seems to avoid any significant mention of it. So it is understandable that you might feel alienated from your usual life. I would avoid blaming people you know for not acting like you might want them to. Most people just arent used to dealing with situations like yours.
One good thing about the internet is there is a group for just about anything now. Maybe you could find a support group for young people with cancer, or something like that.
And think on the bright side. I learned this week that apparently you dont really need your spleen.
So that's one less thing to worry about losing.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-09-28 23:11:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was good...
but don't +2 your own posts. ranking your own post is never included in its overall ranking. it does not count.
...but it will make other Uberites -2 you for doing so.
-2
-1
0
+1
+2
doesn't matter.
Submitted by nyxmar (user info) at 2006-09-28 22:06:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad I somehow inspired you ghola. This is my first time at trying to write something creative/descriptive, and while its all true, i would appreciate criticism on how to make my writing better. All I've got is time, and if its spent wisely, then all is well.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-09-28 21:45:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You ever read something and even thought it might not be particulary good, it inspires you or gives a few ideas for something to write about?
+2 for that.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-28 20:22:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know what to say, and I've seen enough people suffer to know that it's OK that I don't know what to say.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-28 18:53:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I find I'm more likely to be depressed the more I stay in sitting around. I guess you don't have much choice in that, but try your hardest be hopeful no matter how bad things seem.
I wish you the best of luck.