How to calm a cat in heat (2058 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.37 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <freshspinach.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-09-29 14:37:47 EDT
Cat people, does this work?
Equipment:
* 1 cat in heat
* 1 Q-tip
Procedure:
* Grab wailing, squirming cat and place it on your lap with its hind quarters readily accessible. Chances are the cat will freely offer them, if not the first time this procedure is followed, then certainly each time afterward.
* Insert the Q-tip into the cat's vagina. It will be exposed and puffy. Do not insert the Q-tip into the other orifice. Either way the cat will begin to scream, but there is a subtle and audible difference in the scream of satisfaction and the scream of rectal pain. Experiment a little until you can distinguish the two.
* Move the Q-tip in and out of the cat's vagina slowly at first, then more rapidly. No need to be gentle, no matter what you do with the Q-tip it beats a barbed cat penis digging around in there.
* You are finished when the cat is finished. You will know when the cat is finished because it will either begin immediately to have a cat orgasm, or it will run away with the Q-tip sticking out of its ass. If this happens let it enjoy itself for a few minutes before attempting to retrieve your Q-tip.
* That is it, you are done. Enjoy the peace and quiet until the cat flares up again.
What to look for: The cat orgasm that follows this procedure is something the likes of which I have never seen elsewhere. It is a wriggling, leaping, moaning dance of ecstasy that defies any experience of pleasure my mind can even begin to grasp. If humans had orgasms with the intensity of a cat serviced in this way there would be no such thing as war, hunger, capitalism or God.
Background: A cat in heat is, with few exceptions, one of the most irritating things to have living in your home. A cat in heat will follow you around and howl at you in a bone chilling, hideous wail until you are ready just to toss it outside and let it get pounded by the local tom's. After a few days of this torture having to drown a few kittens sounds relaxing. This cat-saving technique was first demonstrated to me by a terminally un-squeemish roomate of years past.
User Reviews
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-01 11:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
NO
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-10-01 11:46:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OR you could do the humane thing and get it spayed. The cat doesn't have to suffer, and you never have to jack it off again. Everyone wins.
Spaying/neutering = responsible pet ownership
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2006-09-30 17:17:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I got nothing.....
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-09-30 10:42:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wait a minute, did that come out right?...
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-09-30 10:42:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Vai uses thermometers. That's good enough for me.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-09-30 05:57:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
That's highly disgusting, you need intensive therapy.
Submitted by kybernetikum (user info) at 2006-09-30 04:52:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Nancypants (user info) at 2006-09-29 15:17:37 (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm sorry but this qualifies as beastiality. How could it not?
This doesn´t qualify as bestiality for the same reason artifivial insemination of cows doesn´t count. Well, as long as you don´t masturbate during the act at least.
Submitted by MisterMojoRisin (user info) at 2006-09-30 04:34:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hey mister fucking plagirizer!
http://everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=737861&lastnode_id=124
I don't know if I am more upset that you stole this, or that I knew it didn't come from you because I've read the other one.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2006-09-30 02:51:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Eww, this probably does work. I once had the misfortune of witnessing a crack-head girl do this to her cat with a small vibrator. The cat seemed to enjoy it. Though it may help relieve the animal, I consider it a form of bestiality. But then, I used to have a female cat that liked to be spanked pretty hard on the ass, so I guess there are gray areas. Fucking perverted cats.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-09-30 01:37:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
that sounds great.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-09-30 01:24:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pure gold.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-09-30 01:07:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-09-30 00:01:18 (#)
Ranking: 1
This is probably the first post ever that left me with absolutely nothing to say.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-30 00:16:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-09-30 00:01:18 (#)
Ranking: 1
This is probably the first post ever that left me with absolutely nothing to say.
----
ditto
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-09-30 00:01:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This is probably the first post ever that left me with absolutely nothing to say.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-09-29 21:38:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
made me wonder
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-09-29 21:23:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-09-29 15:35:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
Bob Barker says have your pets spayed or neutered. I trust him more than you.
--------------------------
Exactly. And this is WHY he says that. This was a puke fest of a post.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-29 17:33:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for "cat orgasm."
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-09-29 17:31:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Okay, okay... I got one. If you spread peanut butter on you balls and let your dog lick it off, it's not cheating 'cause it's YOUR dog!"
-Road Trip
STOP FUCKING YOUR CAT DUDE.
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2006-09-29 16:46:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We had a cat in heat in the house once and came close to fucking it with something just to shut it up. Close, but not quite. Not a one of us had the balls and we just kept pushing this responsibility off to one another. It lasted for two weeks. Then she stopped. Then the owner paid a veterinarian to rip out her insides. Oh sweet silence.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-09-29 16:06:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I give this a plus two for this line "Experiment a little until you can distinguish the two."
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-29 15:53:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Equipment:
* 1 cat in heat
* 1/2 gallon gasoline
* lighter or matches
Apply gasoline liberally to feline.
Ignite with lighter.
Serves 4.
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2006-09-29 15:46:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"If humans had orgasms with the intensity of a cat serviced in this way there would be no such thing as war, hunger, capitalism or God."
Plus motherfucking two
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-09-29 15:35:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bob Barker says have your pets spayed or neutered. I trust him more than you.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-09-29 15:21:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You have GOT to be kidding
Submitted by Nancypants (user info) at 2006-09-29 15:17:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm sorry but this qualifies as beastiality. How could it not?
Submitted by kybernetikum (user info) at 2006-09-29 15:01:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Cool. Does this really work?
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-09-29 14:56:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I used to know a guy who did this because he was too cheap to get the cat fixed.
We used to call him "cheap bastard".
After we found out about the cat thing, we called him:
Cat Fucker
Kitten-D-Lite
Feline Fornicator
Cat Cunt Connoisseur
...
Well, the list goes on. I'm sure you get the point.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-09-29 14:53:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yes its true. and sexy
Submitted by Chazzy (user info) at 2006-09-29 14:51:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
mmmmmm.. NICE
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-09-29 14:45:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for making me throw up on your face.
Submitted by Saucier86 (user info) at 2006-09-29 14:44:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Whatever floats your boat...
Submitted by VileSin (user info) at 2006-09-29 14:43:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
... What the fuck.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-09-29 14:41:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That is fucking disgusting.
I have no idea if it works.
But get your cat fixed and you won't have the problem.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-09-29 14:40:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is just right for uber.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2006-09-29 14:39:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Uh, sorry, that cat would just have to suffer.