The Circle of Life (347 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -0.6 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rodion Raskolnikov <rodyarask.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-09-29 19:22:02 EDT
There once was the incredibly attractive, pale skinned brunette named B, who dated the intelligent, funny, and chubby J. J was a chill guy and while almost constantly stoned he listened to 70s Funk, was into the Indie movie scene, and could cook up a storm and bash Right Wing Conservatives with cunning wit for hours. He had many great qualities as a person, but looks were not something he could boast about, while his girlfriend B could have been a model if she had wanted to. Since J was not a good friend of mine - just an acquaintance - I worked hard on stealing B away from J and succeeded within a week. That week J was so stoned that he barely noticed her missing and could care less about her departure once it was confirmed. Everything went well with B and I until she brought home the monkey. It was two weeks into the relationship and she already made my room her home, which didn't bother me, but the monkey did. One of the housemates was allergic and turned a weird shade of brown whenever the monkey jumped on his head. It refused to be potty trained and ate all of our fruit. B did not care and claimed that Pookie (the monkey) was a symbol of our relationship. Within three days Pookie ate something and B found him on the floor, dead. I was somehow blamed for poisoning Pookie and we had our first fight. We buried him in the back yard, I delivered a sad speech about short, but meaningful lives, and she cried on my shoulder and told me I was "forgiven," even though I truthfully denied poisoning the damn thing. Then she painted my room a dark shade of yellow that resembled urine. Without realizing that she was hiding under the bed to find out my true reaction I yelled out "What the fuck happened to my fucking room?" in shock. She crawled out and there was no denying that I didn't like color. There was more crying and somehow Pookie was remembered. Over the next month she kept bringing home various pets to replace Pookie and threw out of all of my furniture except the bed. I saw J on the street and found out that he stopped smoking weed. I asked where I can get some and later sat with a snake, a gerbil, and a white rat on my bed in the middle of the room - B put it there - and watched her paint the room lime green. I was expecting her to write REDRUM with red paint at any minute, but was so stoned that I could care less. She was talking about something pink and I put on some 70s Funk to drown her out on my boom box, clutching it to my chest because she kept throwing out all of my belongings. She started saying something about us not communicating, so I went to the kitchen and cooked up a storm. Over dinner I bashed the Republicans while she taught me the names of our new pets: the rat (Sugar), the snake (Pumpkin), and the gerbil (Shnookums). Shnookums ran away while we were sleeping that night and Pumpkin ate Sugar. B blamed everything on me and ran off somewhere. The following day a man, who looked as though he hadn't slept in days and pulled half of his own hair out, accosted me in the parking lot of Shop Right, yelling something about B and that he "couldn't take it anymore." Then he sat down on the concrete and burst into tears. I smoked a joint with him in the parking lot, leaning on my car, and learned that he was B's therapist. He relaxed and calmly said that he was going to kill me if I caused her to demand his counseling ever again, then left. I finished the joint and examined my stomach. It has increased in size dramatically. I considered breaking up with B, but that made me picture her crying before trying to strangle me with Pumpkin in my sleep. I thought back and remembered overhearing my friend D saying that B is very hot and wondering why she dates ME. "Sorry D," I thought to myself "but I just don't see another way out" and invited him over to watch an Indie film.
User Reviews
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-09-29 22:39:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Despite the block of text, which I love, the story was awesome. Keep up the good work, and for the sake other people who have sand in their vaginas, please make more paragraphs.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-29 22:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Didn't read it.
Btw, it happens to most. The hate I mean.
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2006-09-29 22:29:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, thanks. I didnt know how to remove it.
Submitted by podium (user info) at 2006-09-29 22:12:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll give you a zero, depending on whether you change the format or not. As the others said, it's really hard to read a block of text, besides the font and format this website uses is awful enough on the eyes so any breaks are appreciated...just post it again with paragraphs and it'll knock this off the front page, so you can be more fairly reviewed.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-09-29 21:16:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2006-09-29 19:38:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
Ouch. Jesus. My appologies, it was my first post. Relax. Calm down. I am sure this did not ruin your day. If it's hard to read, just skip it and move on. Why the cursing?
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*sigh* Another new kid...
Uber is a place of brutal and sadistic bastards.
We like to make jokes about raping dead babies then eating their flesh.
The users here thrive on seething hate and pubic humiliation.
You must go through a "Baptism Of Fire" to belong... if you can withstand it.
We will celebrate your failures and mock your sucesses.
Welcome To Ubersite!!!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-29 21:14:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
HOLYSHITBIGBLOCKOFTEXTTRYTOREFORMATANDTRYAGAIN
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-09-29 20:57:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think you tried.
Use spaces between paragraphs by hitting "enter a few times. Bart apparently doesn't believe in indentation.
I had a similar acid trip once. Yours just translated into suck.
Maybe you didn't try. Shame on you if this is Method.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-09-29 20:41:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
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Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-29 19:43:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Giant Block of Text, and then Giant Block of Text, but wait, it's more Giant Block of Text, followed up naturally, by more Giant Block of Text. Giant Block of Text, and then Giant Block of Text, but wait, it's more Giant Block of Text, followed up naturally, by more Giant Block of Text. Giant Block of Text, and then Giant Block of Text, but wait, it's more Giant Block of Text, followed up naturally, by more Giant Block of Text. Giant Block of Text, and then Giant Block of Text, but wait, it's more Giant Block of Text, followed up naturally, by more Giant Block of Text. Giant Block of Text, and then Giant Block of Text, but wait, it's more Giant Block of Text, followed up naturally, by more Giant Block of Text. Giant Block of Text, and then Giant Block of Text, but wait, it's more Giant Block of Text, followed up naturally, by more Giant Block of Text. Giant Block of Text, and then Giant Block of Text, but wait, it's more Giant Block of Text, followed up naturally, by more Giant Block of Text. Giant Block of Text, and then Giant Block of Text, but wait, it's more Giant Block of Text, followed up naturally, by more Giant Block of Text. Giant Block of Text, and then Giant Block of Text, but wait, it's more Giant Block of Text, followed up naturally, by more Giant Block of Text. Giant Block of Text, and then Giant Block of Text, but wait, it's more Giant Block of Text, followed up naturally, by more Giant Block of Text. Giant Block of Text, and then Giant Block of Text, but wait, it's more Giant Block of Text, followed up naturally, by more Giant Block of Text. Giant Block of Text, and then Giant Block of Text, but wait, it's more Giant Block of Text, followed up naturally, by more Giant Block of Text. Giant Block of Text, and then Giant Block of Text, but wait, it's more Giant Block of Text, followed up naturally, by more Giant Block of Text. Giant Block of Text, and then Giant Block of Text, but wait, it's more Giant Block of Text, followed up naturally, by more Giant Block of Text. Giant Block of Text, and then Giant Block of Text, but wait, it's more Giant Block of Text, followed up naturally, by more Giant Block of Text. Giant Block of Text, and then Giant Block of Text, but wait, it's more Giant Block of Text, followed up naturally, by more Giant Block of Text. Giant Block of Text, and then Giant Block of Text, but wait, it's more Giant Block of Text, followed up naturally, by more Giant Block of Text. Giant Block of Text, and then Giant Block of Text, but wait, it's more Giant Block of Text, followed up naturally, by more Giant Block of Text. Giant Block of Text, and then Giant Block of Text, but wait, it's more Giant Block of Text, followed up naturally, by more Giant Block of Text. Giant Block of Text, and then Giant Block of Text, but wait, it's more Giant Block of Text, followed up naturally, by more Giant Block of Text.
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2006-09-29 19:38:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ouch. Jesus. My appologies, it was my first post. Relax. Calm down. I am sure this did not ruin your day. If it's hard to read, just skip it and move on. Why the cursing?
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-09-29 19:36:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It's pretty hard to read, isn't it? Yours doesn't look any better.
REFORMAT YA FUCKIN N00B! LEARN WHAT THE ENTER KEY IS FOR!
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-09-29 19:35:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
He's telling you to use paragraphs and space between said paragraphs. One big block of text is very hard to read and most people won't bother with it, leave a -2DIE and be on their way.
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2006-09-29 19:31:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
GodChicken ... WTF?
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-09-29 19:24:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
HERE ONC3 WAS DA INCREDIBLEY ATRACTIEV PAEL SKINED BRUNATE NMAD B WHO DAETD DA INTELIEGNT FUNY AND CHUBY J!1!!!!1 WTF LOL J WAS A CHIL GUY AND WHIEL ALMOST CONSTANTLEY S2NED HE LIST3N3D 2 70S FUNK WAS IN2 DA INDEI MOVEI SCANA AND CUD COK UP A S2RM AND BASH RIGHT WNG CONS3RVATIEVS WIT CUNNG WIT FOR HOURS!1!1!1 OMG WTF LOL HA HAD MANY GR3AT QUALITEIS AS A PARSON BUT LOKS WER3 NOT SOM3THNG H3 CUD BOAST ABOUT WHIEL HIS GIRLFREIND B CUD HAEV B3N A MODEL IF SHE HAD WANTED 2!11111!1 OMG SINCE J WAS NOT A GOD FREIND OF MIEN - JUST AN ACQUANETANCE - I WORKED HARD ON STEALNG B AWAY FROM J AND SUCED3D WITHIN A WEK!!!!1!1 OMG WTF LOL TAHT WEK J WAS SO S2NED TAHT HE BAERLEY NOTIECD H3R MISNG AND CUD R L3S ABOUT HER DEPARTURA ONCA IT WAS CONFIRM3D!!!1! OMG LOL EVERYTHNG WENT WEL WIT B AND I UNTIL SHE BROUGHT HOMA TEH MONKEY!1!1! OMG LOL IT WAS TWO WEKS IN2 DA RELATIONSHIP AND SH3 ALREADY MAED MAH ROM HER HOM3 WHICH DIDNT BOTH3R ME BUT DA MONKEY DID!!111!1!1 OMG WTF ONA OF DA HOUESMAETS WAS AL3RGIC AND TURNED A WEIRD SHAED OF BROWN WHENEVAR DA MONK3Y JUMPED ON HIS HAAD!111!!1 LOL IT REFUESD 2 B POTY TRANEAD AND AET AL OF OUR FRUIT!!!11 OMG LOL B DID NOT R AND CLAMEED TAHT POKEI (TH3 MONKEY) WAS A SYMBOL OF OUR RELATIONSHIP!11!!! LOL WITHIN THRE DAYS POKEI AET SOM3THNG AND B FOUND HIM ON DA FLOR DEAD!!11!!1 OMG LOL I WAS SOMEHOW BLMED FOR POISONNG POKEI AND W3 HAD OUR FIRST FIGHT!11!!!!1! OMG W3 BUREID HIM IN TEH BAK YARD I DELIEVRED A SAD SPECH ABOUT SHORT BUT MEANNGFUL LIEVS AND SH3 CREID ON MAH SHUD3R AND 2LD ME I WAS FORGIEVN 3VEN THOUGH I TRUTHFULY DANEID POISONNG TEH DMN THNG!!11! OMG WTF THEN SHE PANETED MAH ROM A DARK SHAED OF Y3LOW TAHT R3S3MBLAD URIEN!111!!!1 OMG WTF LOL WITHOUT RAALIZNG TAHT SHA WAS HIDNG UNDER DA BD 2 FIND OUT MAH TRUE REACTION I YELAD OUT WTF HAPAN3D 2 MAH FUKNG ROM???!?!!? OMG WTF LOL IN SHOK!!!!11!1 WTF LOL SH3 CRAWLAD OUT AND THEYRE WAS NO DENYNG TAHT I DIDNT LIEK COLOR!1!!11!! OMG WTF LOL THEYRE WAS MORE CRYNG AND SOMEHOW POKEI WAS REM3MBRED!!111! OV3R TEH N3XT MONTH SHE K3PT BRNGNG HOM3 VARIOS P3TS 2 REPLAEC POKEI AND THR3W OUT OF AL OF MAH FURNITURE 3XC3PT DA BD!1!!!!1!1 OMG WTF LOL I SAW J ON TEH STRET AND FOUND OUT TAHT HA S2PED SMOKNG WED!!1!111 OMG LOL I ASKED WHARE I CAN GET SOM3 AND L8R SAT WIT A SNAEK A GERBIL AND A WHIET RAT ON MAH BD IN TEH MIDLE OF DA ROM - B PUT IT THEIR - AND WATCHED H3R PANET DA ROM LIEM GREN!!1!1 WTF I WAS AXP3CTNG HER 2 WRIET REDRUM WIT RAD PANET AT ANY MINUTE BUT WAS SO S2NED TAHT I CUD R LAS!!11!! OMG WTF SH3 WAS TOKNG ABOUT SOMATHNG PINK AND I PUT ON SOM3 70S FUNK 2 DROWN H3R OUT ON MAH BOM BOX CLUTCHNG IT 2 MAH CHEST B/C SH3 KEPT THROWNG OUT AL OF MAH BLONGNGS!!!!1!! OMG SHA START3D SAYNG SOMETHNG ABOUT US NOT COMUNICATNG SO I W3NT 2 TEH KITCHAN AND COK3D UP A S2RM!1!1! OMG LOL OV3R DINER I BASHAD TEH R3PUBLICANS WHIEL SH3 TAUGHT ME TEH NMAS OF OUR NU PETS DA RAT (SUGAR) TEH SNAEK (PUMPKIN) AND TEH GARBIL (SHNOKUMS)!11!1! WTF LOL SHNOKUMS RAN AWAY WHIEL WE WERA SLEPNG TAHT NIGHT AND PUMPKIN AET SUGAR!1!!!1 WTF B BLMED EVARYTHNG ON MA AND RAN OF SOMAWH3R3!1111!! OMG TEH FOLOWNG DAY A MAN WHO LOKED AS THOUGH HA HADNT SLEPT IN DAYS AND PULAD HALF OF HIS OWN HARE OUT ACOSTED ME IN DA PARKNG LOT OF SHOP RIGHT YALNG SOM3THNG ABOUT B AND TAHT H3 CUDNT TAEK IT ANYMORE!1!!1!!1! WTF LOL TH3N H3 SAT DOWN ON DA CONCR3TE AND BURST IN2 TEARS!11111!!! OMG WTF I SMOK3D A JOINT WIT HIM IN TEH PARKNG LOT L3ANNG ON MAH CAR AND LEARN3D TAHT HE WAS BS THERAPIST!!!11!!! HA RELAEXD AND CALMLEY SADE TAHT HE WAS GONG 2 KIL M3 IF I CAUESD H3R 2 DEMAND HIS COUNSELNG EV3R AGANE THEN LAFT!!!!1!!1! OMG WTF I FINISH3D TEH JOINT AND EXMIEND MAH S2MACH!111!1!1 OMG WTF IT HAS INCREAESD IN SIEZ DRMATICALY!!11111 OMG I CONSIEDR3D BREAKNG UP WIT B BUT TAHT MAED M3 PICTURA HER CRYNG BFORE TRYNG 2 STRANGLE M3 WIT PUMPKIN IN MAH SLEP!11!!! WTF I THOUGHT BAK AND R3MEMBRED OVARHEARNG MAH FREIND D SAYNG TAHT B SI V3RY HOT AND WONDARNG Y SH3 DAETS M3!1!11!!!! OMG WTF LOL SORY D I THOUGHT 2 MYS3LF BUT I JUST DONT SE ANOTHAR WAY OUT AND INVIETD HIM OVER 2 WATCH AN INDEI FILM
!!!1!!!!1 OMG
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By the way, fuck you and your big block of shitty text too.