The Circle of Life (542 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.6 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rodion Raskolnikov <rodyarask.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-09-29 22:38:15 EDT
There once was the incredibly attractive, pale skinned brunette named B, who dated the intelligent, funny, and chubby J. J was a chill guy and while almost constantly stoned he listened to 70s Funk, was into the Indie movie scene, and could cook up a storm and bash Right Wing Conservatives with cunning wit for hours.
J had many great qualities as a person, but looks were not something he could boast about, while his girlfriend B could have been a model if she had wanted to. Since he was not a good friend of mine - just an acquaintance - I worked hard on stealing B away from J and succeeded within a week. That week J was so stoned that he barely noticed her missing and could care less about her departure once it was confirmed.
Everything went well with B and I until she brought home the monkey. It was two weeks into the relationship and she already made my room her home, which didn't bother me, but the monkey did. One of the housemates was allergic and turned a weird shade of brown whenever the monkey jumped on his head. It refused to be potty trained and ate all of our fruit. B did not care and claimed that Pookie (the monkey) was a symbol of our relationship.
Within three days Pookie ate something and B found him on the floor, dead. I was somehow blamed for poisoning Pookie and we had our first fight. We buried him in the back yard, I delivered a sad speech about short, but meaningful lives, and she cried on my shoulder and told me I was "forgiven," even though I truthfully denied poisoning the damn thing.
The next day she painted my room a dark shade of yellow that resembled urine. Without realizing that she was hiding under the bed to find out my true reaction I yelled out "What the fuck happened to my fucking room?" in shock. She crawled out and there was no denying that I didn't like color. There was more crying and somehow Pookie was remembered.
Over the next month she kept bringing home various pets to replace Pookie and threw out of all of my furniture except the bed.
I saw J on the street and found out that he stopped smoking weed. I asked where I can get some and later sat with a snake, a gerbil, and a white rat on my bed in the middle of the room - B put it there - and watched her paint the room lime green. I was expecting her to write REDRUM with red paint at any minute, but was so stoned that I could care less.
She was talking about something pink and I put on some 70s Funk to drown her out on my boom box, clutching it to my chest because she kept throwing out all of my belongings. She started saying something about us not communicating, so I went to the kitchen and cooked up a storm. Over dinner I bashed the Republicans while she taught me the names of our new pets: the rat (Sugar), the snake (Pumpkin), and the gerbil (Shnookums).
Shnookums ran away while we were sleeping that night and Pumpkin ate Sugar. B blamed everything on me and ran off somewhere.
The following day a man - who looked as though he hadn't slept in days and pulled half of his own hair out - accosted me in the parking lot of Shop Right, yelling something about B and that he "couldn't take it anymore." Then he sat down on the concrete and burst into tears. I smoked a joint with him in the parking lot, leaning on my car, and learned that he was B's therapist. He relaxed and calmly said that he was going to kill me if I caused her to demand his counseling ever again, then left.
I finished the joint and examined my stomach. It has increased in size dramatically. I considered breaking up with B, but that made me picture her crying before trying to strangle me with Pumpkin in my sleep.
I thought back and remembered overhearing my friend D saying that B is very hot and wondering why she dates ME. "Sorry D," I thought to myself "but I just don't see another way out" and invited him over to watch an Indie film.
User Reviews
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2006-10-08 05:55:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too funny.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-10-03 12:41:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-02 12:38:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh - pretty funny.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-10-02 12:36:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Now this is funk....
http://www.ubersite.com/m/93845
Submitted by rillins (user info) at 2006-10-02 12:28:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I ran into the formatting problem too, whatever you do, don't post two in one day either...
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-10-01 07:00:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
welcome to uber... and congrats on the whole 'enter key' issue you had to deal with back there.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-30 20:11:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, I like.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2006-09-30 17:41:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Odd, but in a good way.
Sorry I broke the +2 beginings but I am a cunt.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-09-30 15:48:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're pretty cool.
I mean that in the sense of how you write, not the content of the story.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-30 12:00:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-09-30 11:49:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
haha. formatting makes a difference.
___________________
No shit? Where the fuck have I heard that?
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-09-30 11:49:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha. formatting makes a difference.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-30 01:32:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MUCH better.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-09-30 00:43:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
JIT WAS reallyt long. _+@ for that.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-09-29 22:54:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
... and there we go.
Excellent!!!
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-29 22:42:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
much better.