the whole grain adventures of the cereal hero brigade, episode 1 (582 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 2 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tim Olson <tepo1234.at.sbcglobal.net> (View user info) at 2006-09-30 01:09:37 EDT
This may be a little long, but I wanted to go all in for my first Ubersubmission. Also, if you want to read more of this, say so in replies.
Extra Sugar Elementary
We join our nemesis, Tony the tiger, at a local grade school to give a speech on how much healthier you'll be after a bowl of frosted flakes in the morning compared to cheerio's or lucky charms. After all, their mascots are both under 4 ft tall, so obviously their brand isn't worth jack. But his real agenda isn't known to the faculty of Hyperkid elementary. Tony gives his speech about how children should eat a half a box of frosted flakes each morning, with three extra spoonfuls of sugar in each bowl. Naturally this was met with raucous applause and whoops from the kids, but the teachers weren't so enthusiastic. In their opinion the students are hyper enough without the extra pound of sugar in their systems. After the speech, the assembly turned even more unpleasant for the teachers. Tony tells the kids that if any of them want to talk to him during recess about anything at all just come up to the stage while the other kids go out and play. Of course the students were interested, but to pass over recess for a silly talking tiger? Forget that. Tony was excited when he saw his plan executed perfectly. All of the kids streamed out of the auditorium, whoever got the swing set first ruled the playground after all. That is, all of the kids except for one. As always there were one or two timid little kids that didn't really fit in on the playground and always got picked on, so instead of another day of torture they talked to Tony, unfortunately for them Tony doesn't want to talk.
As the small child approached, he worked up the nerve to talk, " uh... er... mistuh tigew, I don't weally have many fwiends, so I hoped we could be fwiends. My name is biwwy Can you show me how to make the othow kids like me mowe?"
The poor kid never saw it coming "Of course little rape baby, errr, I mean Billy. But I have to take to my tour van, that is where I keep all of my er, "equipment."
Tony takes Billy by the hand and the two make a beeline for the parking lot...
Cereal hero brigade Headquarters (now known as CHBHQ)
The CHB is a group of cereal mascots sworn to protect families from the evil of sugar-heavy cereals. Its members are thin and getting thinner as the sweetened side lures more cereals into its ranks. Already gone from the brigade are Snap, Crackle, and Pop. Their rice krispies now come in large gooey squares ranging from regular to triple chocolate chunk. This trio of tooth decay will be one of the brigade's biggest nemeses in adventures yet to come. The leader of the CHBHQ is Big Red, the special K mascot who, if you don't know is a big red K. it is Red's sworn duty to uphold cereal justice and fight all wrongdoings of the breakfast kingdom. But now, sadly we must return to our story.
One brisk may morning, Red was watching some cartoons, because anyone with, or who has ever been a kid knows that morning cartoons are a cesspool for unhealthy food advertising and he needs to keep up with his adversaries. All of the sudden, Tom & Jerry is interrupted by the CHBHQ emergency siren. Don't get me wrong, this siren isn't anything like the girly fire alarms in offices or schools, this siren nearly rivals Defcon 3 at Cheyenne Mountain Military Base. He jumps up to look at the alert board and sees a blinking light labeled Extra Sugar Elementary. Cheeri O'Leary the Cheerio bee and lucky, covered in milk and his charms, come barreling into the room, just as Red is looking for someone to send on this assignment.
"Perfect, my two favorite super queeroes, I mean heroes. No laughter? Nothing? Oh well, I thought it was funny. Anyways, we have a level one emergency. Our old enemy Tony the Tiger is trying to sling some of his frosted flakes on another helpless kid. This is the third time this month that he has pulled this stunt and you two are gonna stop him. Any questions?"
"Sir, yes sir!"
As soon as Red turned his back however Buzz shot Lucky a look that obviously meant "damn it lucky, why is it always us that get the weird ones"
CHB armed response vehicle, en route to Hyperkid Elementary
Lucky armed himself with three team cheerio handcuffs and a couple of sedative-honey stingers. Lucky on the other hand just opted for his standard marshmallow shapes, but instead of marshmallow, these are marshmetal. (Ha ha?)
'Cheeri, i've been telling you for years, pal. You need to give up on this non-lethal stuff. The enemy won't treat you with the same sense of honor."
"Lucky, it ain't about their sense of honor. It's my code of conduct. I never aim to kill my opponent; I try to bring them in if at all possible."
"Oh, I like to bring 'em in too, O. I just like to bring them in with a little extra black and blue."
HkE parking lot
The CHBARV pulled into the parking lot just as Tony started to help Billy into his tour van
"Hey Tony, whewes youw equipment, aww I see is a bed."
"Get right on in there Billy boy; it's all under the covers. Also you have to be stripped to your underwear to see... wait, what was that sound?"
The heroes hopped out of their vehicle just in the nick of time. "Hey Stripes, get ready to have those in black and white, your brand new inmate suit."
"Bring it on, cereal queeroes!"
"We already heard that one today, get some new jokes ya big orange pussy. Cat that is."
And at this, the epic battle began. Tony raged with all of the might that his big stupid striped body would allow. The fight was all but lost until Lucky, noticing that Tony had his back to him fighting with Cheeri. He took advantage of his chance as he wasn't likely to get another and used a purple horseshoe to apply an expert chokehold sleeper on the Tiger. Once restrained by Lucky, Cheeri stuck him with the sedative stinger and put on the cheerio cuffs, and then loaded him into the CHBARV. Just before closing the vehicles rear door on Tony, Lucky couldn't resist one last jibe.
"Hey, tiger, after the next 15 years in prison I think its safe to say that your balls are going to be the same color as my marshmallow moons." (Blue)
Laughing, Cheeri asked his buddy "Hey Luck, you think we'll ever just have a quiet day at the office?"
Stay tuned for the next thrilling Episode of the Cereal Heroes Brigade...
User Reviews
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-10-02 03:09:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Two decent noobs in a week? Is it Christmas? I haven't done any shopping!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-10-01 16:57:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahaa,
This was great and I would like to see more. Just don't do the common thing and fuck it up after this, as -2's are sure to reign down with great vengence.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-01 03:12:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is a fucked up tale. Here's to a Count Chocula sighting in future episodes.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-01 03:03:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, congratulations for posting on ubersite, let the deterioration of your personality begin now. Ok I'm going to read this thing right now.
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (user info) at 2006-10-01 02:46:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
TIM,
I saw you break your arm, and it was gross.
Now I read your choppy story, and it was less gross.
At this rate you'll be at "freaking sweet" in a couple of years.
Congrats
Submitted by Tony_the_Tiger_is_a_Pedophile (user info) at 2006-09-30 23:45:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that is to say heartfelt, not heratful. ima teh stupid
Submitted by Tony_the_Tiger_is_a_Pedophile (user info) at 2006-09-30 23:41:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
its good that i obviously stone this because they both relate to the antics of cereal mascots, but i reply with a heratful fuck you
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-09-30 23:36:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
STEALER OF IDEAS
http://www.ubersite.com/m/84738
FUCK YOU BITCH
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-09-30 15:04:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You'll do well here
Submitted by Tony_the_Tiger_is_a_Pedophile (user info) at 2006-09-30 14:52:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, now that i look through it again, its kinda choppy, and i would change some stuff. when i finished it last night i was tired.
and i also forgot to explain why lucky is a good guy. his bland parts of the cereal are healthy for you, but the marshmallows aren't. he could potentially be a double agent or a spy. i haven't decided yet.
thanks for the reveiws people
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-09-30 11:49:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not bad Mr. Olson.
I myself have done this kind of story along with scourge. It is a nice edition to the cerial saga.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/84738
http://www.ubersite.com/m/90632
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91002
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-09-30 08:10:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good, but I agree with all that Kaos King said, also this sentence makes no sense.
"The fight was all but lost until Lucky, noticing that Tony had his back to him fighting with Cheeri."
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-09-30 07:45:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay... the concept is pretty good and you've got some hysterical lines in this. However...
1 - The structure needs some editing. Certain statements should be in quotes or ( ) and perhaps some occational single sentances on particularly funny bits. Your paragraphs sometimes contain too much or too little information. This made the flow of the story difficult to follow at times. Essentially, what your writing is satire, so you need to format it more accordingly.
2 - I'm slightly confused on the purpose behind the character usage. Are the good guys the healthy cereal and the villains the sugary cereal??? I can see why Frosted Flakes are evil, but shouldn't Lucky Charms be a bad guy as well then? Wouldn't Cherrio's be in the same category as Rice Krispie's, their original version healthy, but their offshoots sugary sweet?
Yes, yes... I'm a stickler for details. But I only bring all this up because I think you might really have something fun here. Plot everything out first and then script it. Keep this going, and not only do I think you'll get better, I will SO continue to read the installments. Your obviously a twisted fucking mutant since you made Tony The Tiger a child molster - You'll fit in here at Uber just fine!!!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-30 03:47:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mmm..cereal.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/84738
http://www.ubersite.com/m/90632
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91002
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-09-30 01:36:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damn enter button.
BEST FIRST POST EVER.
I still havent read it.
Tim where the hell are you?
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-09-30 01:35:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-09-30 01:23:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THIS MOTHERUFKFUNCKING POST BIT THE BIG OIEHN1!!!
ill read it when i get home.
Submitted by Tony_the_Tiger_is_a_Pedophile (user info) at 2006-09-30 01:12:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
gee, thanks commander squatsoncock
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-09-30 01:11:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
suck my dick nigger