Has your mother wiped your ass for you today? (860 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.18 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by LittleMonster (View user info) at 2006-10-01 19:30:56 EDT
Two weeks ago I left Spain and moved to London. I did this to be closer to my boyfriend and to hopefully pursue a more fruitful career. Unfortunately as with most of my plans, within four days everything went tits up, and may I add, in quite a spectacular fashion.
Now please don't think me melodramatic, or in any way exaggerating my plight.
After four days of being in London I managed to fall down the stairs out side my flat, braking both my arms in a total of........wait for it.......eleven places. If you are any sort of human at this point you will be making the face that most people are greeting me with these days (puckered mouth and furrowed brow - do not forget to tuck in your chin to the left) and making a sucking noise through your teeth.
Shock, laughter (by my flat mate) and hospital went in rapid succession. In hospital I had my hands re-set and loudly exclaimed every know swear word in the English language and a few that you will be less familiar with. i.e. fuckutitch. Which perfectly described the hideous creature that took far too much pleasure in crunching my bones back into place.
After three hours of going it alone back at the flat, it was decided I just couldn't cope. My mother made the drive to London and took me back to the family nest, where the fun has really started.
Since I have been back I have been stabbed in the eye with curry whilst my sister has been feeding me, walking around with my skirt tucked in my knickers after she dressed me, had her dye my hair bright orange instead of chestnut (my fault for trusting her to watch the time). I have been left in the garden for over four hours because they forgot to leave the back door open so I could get in. I have been teased in every way you can possibly think of (my sisters favourite is to put my cigarettes just out of reach and watch me try and get them.........yes its bad to smoke I know............don't you start as well). Through all of this I have to be very grateful, because they are feeding and taking care of me and please believe me that I am grateful.
How ever, I fell short of tolerance today when an acquaintance of mine called up, purely to rant about her boyfriend waking her up today, too early with breakfast in bed. My response was as thus:
Has your mum so far had to wipe your ass for you today?...................No...........Right, then you have nothing to complain to me about. Come back with a real and worthy rant. Oh, and tell your boyfriend he's welcome to make me breakfast in bed any time he likes.
The moral of the story is as follows: Go to work smiling today, it could always be better, it could always be worse, but grin about it, you have nothing to lose. Except as I have discovered, a little dignity, but then show me some one who can't afford to lose that.
I have about a nine to twelve week recovery time and through this I am at the mercy of my family, I laugh a lot because most of the time there is nothing else to do (like the time I sneezed whilst my mother was brushing my teeth) laugh with me or at me, but just laugh. So go on, wiggle all your fingers for me and spread that shit eatting grin across your face.
User Reviews
Submitted by crsunlimited (user info) at 2007-06-07 13:31:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 for the comment:
You didn't say no, I'll be there at 10. Wear a slutty neckbrace.
Made me laugh.
Submitted by DasHeer (user info) at 2007-06-07 12:01:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i tried to do the face but don't think I got it right, it's really quite complicated to do all of that at the same time you know
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-10-02 23:40:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You didn't say no, I'll be there at 10. Wear a slutty neckbrace.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-02 16:36:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
YOU NEED A RIGHT PROPER SHAGGING YOU DO
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-10-02 15:34:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-10-02 02:20:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
If your mom doesn't want to pleasure you, I guess I'll volunteer.
um........no words.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-10-02 10:56:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Accidents.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-10-02 09:35:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for being a clumsy fucker!
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-10-02 07:46:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have two working fingers on my right hand. It's takes forever but it's not impossible to type.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-10-02 02:20:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If your mom doesn't want to pleasure you, I guess I'll volunteer.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-02 02:01:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Chuckle.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-01 22:07:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
humourous. But I, too, am wondering how you typed this?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-01 21:49:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Did you type this with your asshole?
...because it stinks.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-10-01 21:43:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
SHENANNIGANS.
HOW COULD YOU TYPE THIS POST IF YOU CAN'T MOVE YOUR ARMS OR HANDS TO FEED YOURSELF OR OPEN DOORS?
SHENANNIGANS.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-10-01 21:17:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She has!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-10-01 20:34:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wondered what happened to you.
Sorry to hear about the series of unfortunate events.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-01 20:25:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
made me laugh
Submitted by r1nce (user info) at 2006-10-01 20:04:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I guess I can forgive the random typos if both your arms are broken. Made me smile anyway.
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2006-10-01 19:56:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That face you described? Oh yeah, I made it.
Glad to hear that youre making the most of it.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-10-01 19:39:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
cheers bubba, because I'm really not kidding around with this one
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-01 19:37:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Disregard UOM. He's trying to be Method, and failing miserably.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-10-01 19:37:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
on its way, with photo of my arms
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-01 19:35:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
After four days of being in London I managed to fall down the stairs out side my flat, braking both my arms in a total of........wait for it.......eleven places.
--------
I call bullshit.
11 places? Let's see an x-ray.