It's All John's Fault (504 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.76 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by morontian (View user info) at 2006-10-02 11:18:41 EDT
My love life sucks. No, no, that's putting it mildly. In fact, it's rather nonexistant. I am at peace with the fact that I was born with an unnatural shyness, but I can't take all the blame on myself, can I? I mean, that would just be too easy and painful at the same time. No. There must be another reason, and after thinking about it I believe I have found the source of the malaise that has systematically poisoned my psyche. The one true horrible influence that has choked the life out of any and all characteristics that have shown potential for growth and/or mature development. The cancer that has eaten all my self-worth and shit.
John Cusack.
I don't know where the thought came from, it just appeared in my head from out of nowhere. It was so random that it intrigued me. Since I had a day to waste, I decided to see if my subconscious knew what it was talking about.
I have watched his films for years now. I have even gone so far as to collect a few of them. I grazed over my collection and picked out the first five flicks that I knew for sure featured our dear John. As I looked down upon the boxes in my hand, the first thing that I realized was NOT that I now held in my grasp the most appalling potpourri of American cinema involving the most pathetically directionless male characters ever assembled into one marathon matinee. That warning siren didn't go off for another three hours or so. Sadly, the first thing I noticed was that I didn't own a copy of 'Better Off Dead' or 'Say Anything.' "How could I have missed those," I thought to myself with a shrug. Oh well. So I popped in the first movie and grabbed a six pack out of the refigerator as the FBI warned an empty room about the penalties coming to those who would dare to share this monument of film history with anyone else in any unlawful manner. *Plink* The now useless bottle cap rebounded off the screen and fell to the carpet, only to be instantly pounced upon by a very bored and attention starved kitty cat.
'Grosse Point Blank' - I always related to this character. I think I could kill people for the right amount of green mail. But I realize now that this is such a small part of the offending movie. As the beer soaked my liver in sentimentality, my heart opened up to the whiny bastard's plight. Dude's got no reason to live, therefore he has no problem with taking life. I shift uneasily in my seat as The Cat throws me an accusory gaze. But it's all good 'cause he gets his head screwed on straight by the end and saves the day while bagging the love of his life. I felt a slight stirring in my mind but chose to ignore it for the time being. I knew what that stirring was, though...
'Pushing Tin' - Angelina Jolie. Can't go wrong here. This already has all the power to quell that voice trying to speak to me on the inside. I grab another beer for the beer drinker and press play. Time passes as the disc spins. Nick Falzone is just as fucked up as Martin Blank was. Oh Christ, this is starting to distract me from Angelina's full, pouty lips. This can't be happening. Oh fuck, I'm paying more attention to how much I empathize with this raving pussy then I am to this gorgeous woman flashing me her nipple. I get the feeling that Billy Bob is going to reach right through the screen and bitch slap me at any second. I slowly walk to the freezer and pull out the Jim Beam that had been chilling there for months. I'd finally caved. Three hours of John Cusack in the right frame of mind and I'm right back off the wagon. But it's all good 'cause he gets his head screwed on straight by the end and makes up with his wife after cheating on her. The voice stirs again and I make no attempt to quiet it this time. The one thing I can hold on to by which to reconcile the budding desperation flowering in my head is that when production wrapped it was Billy Bob, not John, that ended up banging Angelina for real. Reconcile? No, that's wrong. I've got it flipped all backwards, don't I? That's a sign. An omen, if you will.
'Serendipity' - I can't believe that I'm putting myself through this. It's a Mirimax picture, for the love of God. But I started down this road, and by all that is good and holy, I'm gonna walk it to the end. His character's name is even Jonathan this time around. He isn't even trying to shield me from the shame that I, in my admittedly paranoid state of mind, have decided he has made his goal to infect me with. Another messed up guy, at least he was after the chance meeting with the girl of his dreams, walks away leaving their desitny up to fate (it WAS her idea, though. But he said ok... ASSHOLE!!!) almost marries the wrong woman while Dream Girl almost marries Chris in the Morning (who has obviously come to the conclusion that the world of music dosen't suck enough without him) yadda, yadda, yadda. Hilarity ensues. BUT IT'S ALL GOOD 'CAUSE BY THE END THEY FIND EACH OTHER AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER!!!! AAAAARRRRGHHHH!!!!! FUCK THIS!!!!
*pant pant pant*
Ok, I'm sorry. I got a little out of control there. I lost the reigns and the horses just took me right along to where they wanted to go. I apologize. Won't happen again. Promise.
'Identity' - He died. Thank God.
'High Fidelity' - This is the one that drove me to finishing off that bottle of Jim. The lowest of the low. And what made it so bad is the fact that it's just so damned good. I feel this character. I relate. I identify. I am this guy almost to the very breath. All the music, all the pop culture, all the confusion; it's like somebody opened me up, poured me out onto a stack of paper, called it a script, and cast John fucking Cusack to protray me. Even worse, John had a hand in the screenplay. I sit on the sofa just staring at the screen, accepting that I have in fact been duped. I've watched these movies, along with the other aforementioned titles, multiple times in the past and see now that I hadn't been merely watching movies and killing time. I had been playing host to a virus. A debilitating virus called HOPE, along with complications from its partner in crime ROMANTICISM. Oh yeah, and he ends up with his dream girl (surprise) at the end.
Fuck you, John Cusack. Fuck you and your endless line of alter egos who seem to understand me so well yet always end up happy in the end. I hate you.
User Reviews
Submitted by foster (user info) at 2006-11-07 11:25:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This blew.
Submitted by Tony_the_Tiger_is_a_Pedophile (user info) at 2006-10-03 12:40:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that looks like the kind of sidearm polish military officers would carry.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-10-03 11:40:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-10-03 11:26:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Something about this post made me want to dress you up like an amish girl and refer to you as 'Barbara' at a tea party. You should probably be concerned by that.
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Why should I be concerned by something I do already?
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-10-03 11:26:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Something about this post made me want to dress you up like an amish girl and refer to you as 'Barbara' at a tea party. You should probably be concerned by that.
Submitted by r1nce (user info) at 2006-10-03 01:00:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One Crazy Summer anyone?
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2006-10-02 20:06:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great! +3!
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-02 18:28:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sure
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-02 15:22:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-10-02 12:21:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
I adore John Cusack.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-10-02 15:03:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
better off dead was fantastic. TWO DOLLARS!
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-10-02 14:52:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS!
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-10-02 14:19:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
how could you NOT watch being john malkovich??
that is the best movie.
EVER.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-10-02 14:18:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah,fuck 'im
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-10-02 12:45:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked High Fidelity, but you're right about his end of the film good fortune.
You should try identifying with bad guys in movies, that way, when you go into it thinking the worst will happen, you won't be disappointed.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-10-02 12:21:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I adore John Cusack.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-02 12:09:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post- and I'm only slightly embarrassed to say that I LIKE "The Sure Thing" and "Say Anything".
He was also funny in "Sixteen Candles".
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-10-02 11:43:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In your eyes
the light, the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
Now I got this goddamned song in my head! Thank you very much for that
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-10-02 11:35:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-10-02 11:30:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
I like John Cusack. However, I think Miss Jolies lips look like an infected arsehole.
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In truth I tend to agree with you on that one.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-10-02 11:30:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like John Cusack. However, I think Miss Jolies lips look like an infected arsehole.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-10-02 11:28:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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