In Case of Zombie Attack (717 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.82 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by MyTeeOne <My_Tee_One.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-10-02 17:19:33 EDT
Do you know how to survive a zombie attack? Probably not. Oh sure, you may have a few ideas from the movies but here is a cold hard fact for you: movies aren't real, like zombie attacks are. You'll never survive a real life zombie attack if that's all you know. No, in order to be a certified zombie hunter like myself (picture attached), you need training and dedication. Reading this post will NOT make you a zombie hunter. However, it could just save your life.
A few things to know in case of zombie attack:
1) Let's think this through. What are zombies after? That's right, brains. And what kills brain cells? That's right, alcohol. In case of zombie attack drink yourself stupid, thus killing brain cells, making you less attractive to zombies (and possibly the opposite sex). The alcohol will also provide you with liquid courage, making sure you can do what needs to be done.
2) Get a weapon. Traditionally, a shot gun is a great short range weapon because of the power it holds. You might be tempted to pick up a sword or chainsaw because they are bad ass - resist this urge. It will be even quicker if you are drunk. Weapons like this are way too hard to yield if you are untrained and you'll end up cutting your own foot off. You're looking for something powerful enough to remove the head without getting to close, like a shot gun, explosives, flame thrower, or the starting line of the Chicago Bears.
3) In case of hoard, never under estimate the killing power of a combine with a corn head on it. For you city folk, a combine is a type of tractor used to harvest crops. Not only is it equipped with blades, it also is high enough to keep zombies from over powering you. Plus, they are terribly comfortable now. They have AC, CD players, and some even come with On-Star.
4) Running is a perfectly acceptable solution to your zombie problem. We are watching and will be along shortly to save you. The important thing to remember is where you are running too. People, in case of zombie attack, a grave yard is not a safe place to hide. How many times do we have to say that? You want to get some place high with limited access so it's easily protected and defendable. An attic or tree will work.
5) If you are bitten, you can not be cured. Believe me; you don't want THAT taste in your mouth. Save us the time and take your life before you turn. This is easier on me, you, and the insurance companies.
6) Finally, the most important thing to remember is that zombie hunting is all about impressing the opposite sex. Always be sure to flex when you know that special someone is looking, and for god sakes, suck your gut in. This will not save you, but it might get you laid, and without that, what's the point?
I hope this helps. Sleep tight. I'm on duty.
User Reviews
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-10-13 18:53:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-10-13 18:52:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
Myteeone,
You can come over and have drinks with me if you so desire. Actually, I want to come to Chi-town, what are the chances of me crashing there?
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-10-03 10:10:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anything pertaining to zombies is funny and quality.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-03 09:35:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck - I 2ed myself.
Please note the team uniforms as well.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-03 09:34:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SOUTH AMERICAN HATIAN ZOMBIES!!! http://www.ubersite.com/m/93778
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-03 09:34:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Davros - the other guy is close to 7 feet tall and doesn't have an ounce of fat on him...rotten bastard.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-03 08:38:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the Chicago Bears reference
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-10-03 04:57:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you very short or is t'other guy very tall?
-Dave
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-10-03 02:55:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nath's going to have a field day with this.
Where does that phrase come from? Field day. Fiiiield day.
Sounds funny if you repeat it.
OOH SHINY!
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-10-03 02:04:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2006-10-03 00:56:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A zombie bite can be fixed. but only if its on a limb. you just have to remove it before it spreads. kinda like a snake bite really. but the entire limb must go. and you have less than 5 minutes after a bite. Even less if your adrenalin is flowing.
Believe me, I'm a certified zombie killer master of the tenth order.
And shotguns are good.
bats* work too.
*baseball. not flying things
Submitted by Tony_the_Tiger_is_a_Pedophile (user info) at 2006-10-02 23:55:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the bears line is a fairly impressive form of defense, but they are bitten you are t3h screwed
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-10-02 23:37:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Zombies are the reason I live out in the country, away from everybody.
While you city folk are protecting yourself from becoming zombie food, I will be preparing for the day when you are all gone and there are only zombies left. I will sit up on my roof and pick them off one by one with my .22 and save the shotgun for close encounters.
That is, if they find me at all. I don't think any self respecting zombie is gonna walk ten or fifteen miles just to try and eat me and my family.
You never know though, better to be prepared than not.
Submitted by RePet (user info) at 2006-10-02 22:11:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I know where I'm going in case of a zombie attack. That's right, Albertsons. You can be equipped with an already zombified sawn-off shotgun and bloodied katana. They're actually in the same aisle. I think those have been there since the last zombie attack in the early 90s.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-02 22:10:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
3) In case of hoard, never under estimate the killing power of a combine with a corn head on it.
--
Jesus, what a hilarious image!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-02 20:14:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If there's a zombie attack, I'd like Anansie by my side.
Until you rescue us, of course.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-10-02 19:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha, YES
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-10-02 19:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I already have my place picked out in case of a zombie attack.
For Serious
Submitted by eppliks (user info) at 2006-10-02 19:05:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Those two are gonna get killed the first night out.
Son, I've killed countless zombies; At Khe Sanh, at Langdok, and Hill 364! My leg is made of wood and my guts are riddled with pain and hatred, but I'm still going strong! What?! You wanna wrassle? I'll kick your ass!
...
Sorry. Nerves.
But yeah, the Romero shit always works for me. Post disregarded.
Submitted by v8lover (user info) at 2006-10-02 18:09:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Huh-huh-huh... you said "AC, CD"
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-02 18:08:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2006-10-02 17:22:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
auto zombie +2
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-02 17:46:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-10-02 17:37:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
Zombies +1
One short fat guy, one tall thin guy +1
====================================================================
That would be me and my cousin. He got the height and hair, I got the brains.
(weeps).
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-10-02 17:37:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Zombies +1
One short fat guy, one tall thin guy +1
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-02 17:35:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
9/27/06
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-10-02 17:26:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-02 17:21:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Materials to Study:
The Walking Dead vols. 1-5 (graphic novel)
-----------------------
When did vol 5 come out??
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2006-10-02 17:22:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto zombie +2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-02 17:22:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 anything zombie.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-02 17:21:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Materials to Study:
The Walking Dead vols. 1-5 (graphic novel)
The Zombie Survival Guide - Max Brooks
World War Z - Max Brooks