Winner of 2006 Electro Award - Congrats Cap'n Thorns! (623 hits)
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Submitted by JonnyX (View user info) at 2006-10-02 18:32:58 EDT
I had to wait for the official results post to come in, and now it has!
Congratulations Captain Thorns on capturing the 2006 Electro Award with your brilliant post 'Open Hands'!
Hmm, not too brilliant really compared to 'Paid In Full', and you did admit that you dashed it off quite quickly - I wish you had really tried to deliberately go for it, I know ETS tried. I think the jam thing made it a little dated - you want the Electro Awarding-winning posts to stand the test of time, like 're:16 y/o', but we shall see.
Circe was the second place contender with 18 votes for her tale of a spoilt white girl who get sput down - ah well better luck next time.
And so, for future generations, here is Thorny's entry - will it mellow like fine brandy, or turn straight to vinegar? YOU decide.
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Open hands are extremely interesting to me.
Why? Probably because you never know what's going to be placed within them. In a matter of moments, a pair of formerly barren palms can acquiesce a myriad of objects that offer the holder pleasure, pain, and all of the infinite sensations in between.
Think about it. Eating? Those utensils (and even the finger foods) have to go in those hands. Drinking? You grabbed that glass, cup, or can of beer with an open hand (or two if you're double-fisting). Killing someone? Either their neck, or a weapon, went into your open hands before closing down tightly from the adrenaline rush. There's even a complete military combat technique called "open hand combat", for Pete's sake. It's the natural way of fighting, after all.
Children are especially vulnerable to the ecstasy of open hands. When you were dressed up in your favorite Halloween costume, what did you hold out to receive a trick - or, better yet, a treat? Open hands. When you took your first toy to kindergarten for show-and-tell, how did you show that beloved object? In your open hands. When you first discovered that oh-so-tingly feeling from touching your "special place", where did you put your unit? In your brother's anu...I mean, in your open hands. (And then, of course, you CLOSED your hands around it, and the rest...well, the rest is history.)
Even the major religions advocate "open hands." How does one receive Communion? By extending open hands. (Or by sticking out your tongue, but in that case you're just a fruit begging to be molested by the pastor.) Where do devout Catholics hold their rosaries while reciting penance prayers for transgressions? In their open hands. Want to praise God, Allah, Krishna, Yahweh, or Jehovah? You'd better raise your arms in the air and open those hands while chanting or it's not true praise...c'mon, all the cool kids do it!
Michelangelo even knew that The Master of the Universe was all about open hands. Have you seen the Sistine Chapel? It depicts God reaching down from the cosmos to Earth with an extended arm and open hand, creating mankind.
What's that? Evolution, not creation, you say?
Well, surely one of the greatest painters of the Renaissance can't be wrong! I mean, c'mon...just LOOK at the Biblical evidence for creation from God's open hand:
Genesis 1:
26 Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth."
27 So God reached down to earth with an open hand, and created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him.
28 Then God realized that it was still the fifth day, not the sixth, and uttered, "Oh, shit!" as James began spouting verbal exclamations of jam.
29 And on the sixth day, God realized that James was simply an alter of one of his cherubim, and banished the demon to Hell before creating Adam from the man of dust from the ground, breathing into his nostrils the breath of life, and eradicating the earth of all jam for a thousand years.
Well....umm....okay, maybe not. But that's how it SHOULD have happened.
User Reviews
Submitted by kybernetikum (user info) at 2006-10-06 00:32:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-05 12:55:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-03 13:34:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-03 10:20:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
I vehemently disagree with this method of determining the Electro Award. From my understanding, you don't have to lose by a wide margain to be a recipient. Hell, you don't even have to lose! You just have to offend, disgust, and/or people with your complete lack of skill.
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actually, I rather liked your entry Brad - you'll note that I voted for it. Honestly, your post showed more creativity than Thorny's.
And you have to admit, his did suck a LOT more than yours, than anybody's.
There is only one Electro Award per Madness, so you'll have to try again next year!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-03 11:13:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll thumb wrestle you for it. And let me warn you, I have some big thumbs.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-03 10:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not that I *mind* getting the award - it WAS an awful post - but I'll gladly give it up to ETS or darko if so desired.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-03 10:20:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I vehemently disagree with this method of determining the Electro Award. From my understanding, you don't have to lose by a wide margain to be a recipient. Hell, you don't even have to lose! You just have to offend, disgust, and/or people with your complete lack of skill.
I think I did that as well as anyone.
PLUS...the Electro Award should be given every round shouldn't it?
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-10-03 09:31:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-10-03 01:59:06 (#)
Ranking: 0
Me likey Capn' Thorns.
JonnyX? Not so much.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-03 08:46:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Delayed live feed of award acceptance speech: http://www.ubersite.com/m/93833#2167393
DAMN YOU ORGASMATRON FOR THAT YATTA PICTURE!
DAMN YOUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!
Although it is strangely arousing...
What?
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-10-03 04:03:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-10-03 03:27:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-10-03 01:59:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Me likey Capn' Thorns.
JonnyX? Not so much.
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2006-10-03 00:39:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
CT is da man
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-02 22:47:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I sired that picture.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-02 22:39:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Electro had more votes than some people last year. The electro award should be for worst entry, not necessarily fewest votes recieved. I want a recount! It should have been me or ETS.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-10-02 20:24:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wait a minute that uberjonnyx email isn't really jonny?
i was getting some threatenting emails i thought jonny had gone mad/was joking
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-02 20:17:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think it's your boyfriend bret using a uberJonnyX.at.gmail.com email address.
Feel free to send him a few emails yourself.
He's giving you a bad name - OK, a WORSE name than you already have.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-10-02 20:05:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
One of the best things about Captain is that he has the ability to laugh at himself, so I am sure he'll be honored.
Plus he's an attention whore.
Don't spank me!
And, Bob, I thought your entry was good. I spent entirely too much time on mine. Writing doesn't come easy for me, like it obviously does with other people in this contest.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-10-02 19:58:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
MAKE THE YATTA STOP!!!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-02 19:55:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WINNAR
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-02 19:45:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-02 19:25:04 (#)
Ranking: -2
Hey, Polemsoke.
Tell your impersonator - or yourself - to stop with the gay emails to Shlongy.
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Don't look at me, dude - you make even more enemies around here than I do.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-02 19:25:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hey, Polemsoke.
Tell your impersonator - or yourself - to stop with the gay emails to Shlongy.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-02 18:38:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sure that I was a runner up.