Grueberfest '06 Round One - "The Nightmare of Innocence." (912 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.73 on 45 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Redskieslookfake (View user info) at 2006-10-03 04:57:43 EDT
The Nightmare of Innocence.
Having a nose bleed over a pentagram wasn't enough. It wasn't really the blood that bound the beast, but the commitment of offering your own body to the darkness.
It had started when she was young. There was a pretty girl in the class, long blonde hair in the cutest little ringlets - and the boys had gone gaga over her. Adoring glances and letters passed in class about her. Annabelle was the girl's name and on that day she had known hate for the first time.
She had poured over a book and learned about The Miseries. They took just a lock of her hair and a night staring into a candle flame to summon and next day she had shrieked with laughter to see that Annabelle clutching at her head as clump after clump of golden hair fell to the classroom floor.
Alopecia isn't that uncommon, and who was to say that her ritual had been the cause of it, but when she stared into the mirror in the bathroom later that morning to see the bags under her eyes and saw, just for a moment another face - smirking in the mirror - she knew.
The flea bitten cat had been next. She had wanted a boy, and the human heart took a greater offering to sway. The cat had mewed pitifully when she'd trapped it in the box, and then yowled when its prison was hurled into the river as the water gurgled through the carefully cut holes.
Two days later she was wearing his jacket and he was bringing her lunch in the cafeteria.
She'd missed the cat, and that surprised her, but she hardened her heart and had looked innocent when her parents had asked about the cat. She'd even managed to smile when she saw the missing posters. She mouthed 'poor kitty!' and thought of its frantic clawing as the water sucked its coffin under.
The box resurfaced a few days later, and the collar had been retrieved. Who would do such a horrible thing? Her book was clear as to the only course of action, so she'd taken the knife and cut deeply into her hand and watched numbly as the blood drip drip dripped into the plastic cup she held in her other hand. The cup was carefully lowered into the river and floated downstream.
Trickster spirits cast suspicion on others for her, and no one dreamed of interrogating the poor girl who had cut her hand so badly on barbed wire.
When her vision began to cloud, and the optician said she'd probably need glasses, she'd furiously flicked through the book, and found a vitality spirit. He woke her that night and took her roughly while she bit into the pillow to stifle her yelps. The giving of her virginity to some half seen carnal beast, her only memories that of hair and musk and pain.
She had limped for a week and rumours had spread around the school. It was probably then that her scowl first fixed itself on her face.
A car was the next object of her avarice. She was tired of begging for lifts and struck a bargain with an imp. Her shiny car in exchange for the life of a vagrant. She had slid the dagger into his ear as he lolled drunkenly on a pavement in an alley. His eyes had opened when the tip had penetrated his ear drum, but his scream never came.
She still remembered his eyes - full of fear and disbelief. The police had made a half hearted attempt to find the murderer, and she'd sliced her hand again - deeper this time. Repetition of the act lessened its power. You couldn't mar a ruined hand and the spirits had demanded a finger in the end.
Her parents had been shocked when she'd stumbled in the main door - a story about her ring getting caught on something drawing pity from everyone.
Giving up her dreams had been the biggest sacrifice. Not ambition and desire, not those kind of dreams. She had offered her dreaming to a creature with no concept of joy or happiness, and it kept them behind glass - to stare at curiously while she lay in bed at night - her mind hollow and cold.
From then on, her days were filled with petty acts to win her favours. She lied to hurt others, she cheated the naive, she stole treasured possessions from the vulnerable and then offered them on a pyre to whoever would take them.
Her gums receded and her hair became lank and others drew away at the sight of her. The darkness still listened to her, but the prices rose and rose. Her soul had less value, and the taking of her innocence all too easy.
It claimed her for itself on her thirtieth birthday as she plotted against the noisy child next door. Her body crumpling to the floor as her spirit was ripped from it.
User Reviews
Submitted by FlintofFred (user info) at 2009-01-25 12:29:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wheeeeee! PLUS TWO.
Submitted by Cardboard_Box (user info) at 2009-01-25 12:27:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wheeeeee! PLUS TWO.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-01-22 11:02:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I got all shivery reading this.
Submitted by branimal_08 (user info) at 2008-10-14 17:15:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-10-11 19:05:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-10-11 18:50:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fight the... whatever the hell is going on here.
Submitted by psikosismc (user info) at 2008-10-11 17:29:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by aquagirl (user info) at 2008-09-08 15:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Naplander (user info) at 2008-08-30 17:02:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Now we've learnt our A B C,
Won't you come and dance wit me?
Submitted by bricekrispy (user info) at 2008-08-24 16:56:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by bubba69 (user info) at 2008-08-24 16:01:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by sambo13 (user info) at 2008-08-06 08:55:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-08-05 12:22:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done. Too bad it was a twobomb that brought this piece to my attention.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-08-05 12:18:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WantageJamie (user info) at 2008-08-05 12:06:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-06 12:32:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Spandau Ballet
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-06 10:15:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
-2die.
oops.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-06 03:43:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-05 22:56:23 (#)
Ranking: 1
You know, this wasn't your best work. Or even close. We already discussed it though and I'm going to rate honestly.
Spend more time on your next one sir, or i'll be pissed. I'm already pissed that you beat my post with an outline for a story.
Bitch.
At least you have a cool hat.
---
Shut it. Loser.
:P
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-05 22:56:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You know, this wasn't your best work. Or even close. We already discussed it though and I'm going to rate honestly.
Spend more time on your next one sir, or i'll be pissed. I'm already pissed that you beat my post with an outline for a story.
Bitch.
At least you have a cool hat.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-10-04 17:09:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a bitch!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-04 15:47:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a really good matchup. Look at you two thinking on the same wavelength and such.
It's cute, really.
Anyway, I picked up what you were going for as far as the 'slow descent' is concerned. Starting small and building, and building, with a price. At first I was going to complain about the abrupt ending, but, really, what's left of her at the end anyway? The brevity suits her condition.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-10-04 08:22:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I forgot to rate this last night. Nice one mate. Legends Saturday if you're not too busy trying to bum freshers in Durham.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-04 08:02:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You picture yourself as a carnal beast, dontcha?
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-10-04 07:50:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OK, I'll go 1.5 for that.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-04 03:41:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-10-04 00:20:10 (#)
Ranking: 1
This would have been better if she lost her innocence at the end.
IMHO.
--
Perhaps - I preferred the idea of it being a descent - and for it to reflect itself in her physical condition.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-10-04 00:20:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This would have been better if she lost her innocence at the end.
IMHO.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-03 22:49:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For competitors who share the same basic premise, you two sure had your own stories to tell.
I thought this was written really well-it did seem to read almost like a list of occurrences as opposed to a story with a flow from one episode to the next- but I think you may have intended it that way. I was disappointed that it ended so abruptly, but it was effective.
I really liked this piece.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-10-03 22:46:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
After careful consideration, I've decided that this deserves a 1.5. I don't really dig the sentence structure, but it's still pretty good.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-03 21:59:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why did he LOL when he was stabbed in the ear?
LOL! J/K!! OMG!
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-10-03 21:52:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeesh, I hate to break the streak, but I must be honest since it's a competition.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-10-03 15:29:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-03 13:43:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-03 13:33:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-10-03 05:53:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome. <insert gushing praise here>
Submitted by rillins (user info) at 2006-10-03 13:31:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I dun liked it
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-10-03 11:14:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-10-03 07:00:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-10-03 05:53:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome. <insert gushing praise here>
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-10-03 05:38:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*blinks*
...
fuck you.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-03 05:35:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-10-03 05:33:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
you dirty cunt..
--
I smell of soap - and not WD40 unlike CERTAIN robotic Ubernauts I could mention.
When a man's an empty kettle
He should be on his mettle
And yet I'm torn apart
Just because I'm presumin'
That I could be kind-a human
If I only had a heart.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-10-03 05:33:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you dirty cunt..
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-03 05:31:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-10-03 05:29:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
way to pretend you even know about girls, Jakeyfakeypants.
---
At least I have blood Danger_Ranger2000RequiresUpdate - and not just electricity.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-10-03 05:29:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
way to pretend you even know about girls, Jakeyfakeypants.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-10-03 05:25:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what a load of absolute bollocks.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-03 05:03:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/93382 Competition link