Somebody Buy My Shitty Car! (1233 hits)
Category: GraphicsRating: 1.12 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Cali (View user info) at 2006-10-03 16:19:39 EDT
Yesterday I had to head over to the car dealership for some "scheduled maintenance". As I'm driving along countless dealerships, something caught my eye. It was a 1999 Mitsubishi Eclipse sitting on the corner of a lot. But it wasn't just any Mitsubishi... it was MY Mitsubishi.
I had to stop and take a look at it. I couldn't believe it hadn't been sold yet. I used it for a trade-in over 10 months ago.
***
As I approached you, I could see the signs of neglect. Who knows how long it has been since you were cleaned, let alone waxed. You were covered with a thin film of dust accentuated with random blotches of bird shit. Your front drivers side tire was nearly flat.
I tried to open the door to have a seat. It didn't budge. My first thought being it was locked, I quickly remembered there was a trick to opening this door. Push in, lift up. Bingo.
Has anyone else figured out our little secret? Probably not, since it took me 3 months.
Jeez, they have your seat settings all screwed up too. Too close to the dash, too vertical. Let me just fix that real quick. All the way back, 3/4 recline. Ahhh, that's much better. Poor thing, you are just as dirty on the inside as out. And what's that smell? 'Ocean Breeze'? Christ.
"How do you like it?" the salesman asks as he approaches the car. "We just got it in a few weeks ago. Pretty good price too."
"I don't know. Seems like $6,500 is pretty cheap. What's wrong with it?"
"Nothing is wrong. We are the 3rd dealership to have it. The other two didn't have any luck getting rid of it, so we dropped the price a bit. Would you like to take it for a drive?"
"Yes sir. I would like that very much."
He hands me the key. I take a second to trace its outline with my thumb. All too familiar.
In the five years that we were together, you always started on the first try. But today it took a few cranks to get you to turn over. You finally came to life, and that sound... that sound sent chills down my spine.
We slowly pull out of the lot into the street. I want to instantly gun it, but decide to give you a couple minutes to warm up. It's probably the only sympathy you've been given in the last year. You deserve it.
Finally, you are ready. I drop you into 2nd gear, and floor it. I take you past your 7000rpm redline, then into 3rd. Weaving in and out of traffic, I can tell your suspension is still perfect. The salesman is becoming very nervous, but it's okay. We've been through this countless times. The only time he speaks up is when I get you up to 75mph in a 35 zone.
We finally return to the dealership and place you back in your spot. One last rev, and I turn you off. I reluctantly get out of the car and hand the your key back to the shaken salesman.
"You, um, seemed to have a good time driving this thing. Think you would be interested in owning it?"
"Yes. I would love to own it. But I'm not going to."
I proceeded to tell him how I was your previous owner, and wanted to drive you one last time. I also suggested that he take better care of you and raise the price, since you are more than worth it.
***
So there you have it. An awesome car at a great price. I still can't believe that nobody has picked it up in the year that it's been available.
All I ask is that you treat it with the respect it deserves. It had served me well over the past 5 years, and will do the same for you.
'Car #3' will get you around quickly and in style. Plus it has the ability to evade the Federales in Tijuana. But I'm not going to get into that right now.
User Reviews
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2006-10-05 12:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
BAHAHHAA U USED TO DRIVE A RICEY CHICK CAR
AND YER NEW CAR IS AN OVERPRICED SEBRING
LETS RACE CHUMP
Submitted by swine_powered_hate_machine (user info) at 2006-10-04 13:45:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-03 20:12:45 (#)
Ranking: -1
I'll get right on it. I'll give you a $100 cash for that piece of shit. I could use a car to enter a Demolition Derby at Oglethorpe Speedway at the end of the month.
I'm dying to run over somebody.
________________________________________
Whoa! I live like 10 minutes from the Ogelthorpe track... small world.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-10-04 08:03:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I test drove an Eclipse Spider once. My old 95 Grand Am moved faster.
You didn't exactly upgrade with another domestic car there.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-10-04 02:51:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Did you mean that last photo to be of a giant penis on your driveway?
"OH LOOK AT MY NEW CAR THE WHOLE REASON FOR THIS POST IS SO YOU CAN ALL OGLE AND TELL ME IT'S WICKED OH I SO CRAVE ATTENTION!"
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2006-10-04 01:15:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
where do you live
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-03 20:12:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I'll get right on it. I'll give you a $100 cash for that piece of shit. I could use a car to enter a Demolition Derby at Oglethorpe Speedway at the end of the month.
I'm dying to run over somebody.
Submitted by The_Mighty_Badger (user info) at 2006-10-03 19:59:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cali, it looks just right. I love to see a car that has been modified and just looks right, you know? Not like the dickwads where I live.
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2006-10-03 19:17:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-10-03 19:07:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Let me guess why the engine had to be rebuilt: the timing belt snapped and all your valves were bent?
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Actually, it's kind of embarrassing.
I fucked up an oil change. Left the old filter gasket on the engine, so there wasnt a proper seal. The #4 piston ended up in like 3 different pieces.
But what made it embarrassing is the fact that I used to work for an oil change place back in highschool. Did it for 2 years without fucking anything up...
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-10-03 19:07:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Let me guess why the engine had to be rebuilt: the timing belt snapped and all your valves were bent?
I'm just about to give up my first car to a relative in favour of a newer one. Will there be a tribute post to my beloved vehicle? You bet your ass.
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-10-03 18:22:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Eclipse. I love those cars! Especially the new ones.
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2006-10-03 18:07:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-03 17:57:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good thing all you psychos seem to be on the east coast, right?
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not all of 'em
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Well, fine sir. I'll be coming home in a couple weeks. If you'd like, we can go out for drinks, get shit faced and throw around our dick beaters.
Obviously got no beef with ya, but its always fun to prove your manhood, yes?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-03 17:57:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2006-10-03 16:53:09 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-03 16:46:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
850 TKY
is that right? my monitor isn't the greatest and neither are my eyes.
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haha, maybe. im not sure.
not that it really matters when you could probably find me by using my old car's plates too.
Good thing all you psychos seem to be on the east coast, right?
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not all of 'em
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-10-03 17:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ill
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-03 16:54:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i figured those were dealer plates on the old one.
you have no worries about me, i try to keep as far away from uber users as is possible.
but old professorfuckface is another story altogether.
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2006-10-03 16:53:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-03 16:46:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
850 TKY
is that right? my monitor isn't the greatest and neither are my eyes.
======
haha, maybe. im not sure.
not that it really matters when you could probably find me by using my old car's plates too.
Good thing all you psychos seem to be on the east coast, right?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-03 16:46:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
850 TKY
is that right? my monitor isn't the greatest and neither are my eyes.
Submitted by polymorph505 (user info) at 2006-10-03 16:45:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have quite a few friends that own Eclipses, and they all were happier than a pig in shit when they got them. Couldn't WAIT to tell me how cool their new Eclipse was. Now they just bitch non stop about how they don't have a car because it's being worked on.
Submitted by polymorph505 (user info) at 2006-10-03 16:43:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, they are the exact same car.
Own all three and tell me that.
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2006-10-03 16:41:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by polymorph505 (user info) at 2006-10-03 16:35:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'd take a Talon or a Laser over an Eclipse anyday.
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Dude, they are the exact same car.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-03 16:39:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I only read the picture. I need to sell my jeep. I may be doing a similar post at some point. It will go for much less than 6 grand.
Submitted by polymorph505 (user info) at 2006-10-03 16:35:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Except when it's an old crappy car with shitty cams that you bought to appease the popularity contestant inside yourself.
I'd take a Talon or a Laser over an Eclipse anyday.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-10-03 16:33:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
there is nothing like love for an old crappy car.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-03 16:26:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
low book is $6275 on that car
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2006-10-03 16:25:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read any of the text but I did look at the pictures with comments!