Grueberfest 06 R1: This Is How The World Ends (583 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 0.98 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by AsshOly (View user info) at 2006-10-03 20:34:40 EDT
Ding dong.
"Hello?"
"Hi! Uh, I just moved in next door. I'm your new neighbor!" The young man pointed across the unkempt lawn to the moving van in front of the gray Victorian next door as if to prove that he did, in fact, just acquire residence.
"Well hello!" The man behind the screen door removed his glasses and moved to shake hands and yelled in the opposite direction, "Emily, come down here! Hi, what's your name?"
"I'm Matt", he said, accepting his hand.
"Nice to meet you, Matt. I'm Hank. We were wondering when somebody would finally buy that house. It's been empty for a few years, now. Isn't that right, honey?"
"Oh, we'd been waiting since before the last owner died, that's for sure. Hello. Emily."
"Matt," he said, smiling, with quick nod of the head.
"Well, Hon, would you like to come inside for coffee?"
Matt laughed and thumbed over his shoulder. "Actually, if you don't mind, I'll take a rain check. I just felt I needed to come over and introduce myself, but I think I'd better help the moving guys with all my stuff before they steal my DVD player. Nice to meet you!"
"You also, Hon! Come back anytime! Aww, he's a nice kid."
"Well, he can't be any less friendly than Howard, right?"
"S'pose not. How long do you think it takes before he figures it out?"
"Not too long, I'd bet."
---------
Matt fell asleep to college football highlights on the catshit-stained couch he bought from his parents for ten dollars two days earlier and woke up again to the sound of a lawnmower outside his window and the rising morning sun burning straight into his eyes. He found his cell phone open in his hand. "Hrrrm, shit."
Six missed calls. One text message. "baby. what the fuck." He punched the Send button and yawned, rubbing the crusted drool off the left side of his face.
"Hey Jackass, how are you doing?"
"I'm doing great! Did you survive the night?"
"I don't appreciate you hanging up on me like that, Matt. I--"
"Hmm, good, because I fell asleep on you." He sighed, loud enough so that Kelly would know he was sorry. "Sorry about that. I was exhausted, though. No excuses. I love you?"
"I know. You're still a jerk. How was the move?"
"Exciting," he said, wandering into the kitchen. "The place is even bigger with all my shit inside of it. I already have my -- what the hell. The movers unpacked the box with all my mother's plates and cups and stuff. They just left it all on the counter, too. Some of this stuff is pretty valuable. You know, I thought I brought all this stuff in here after they left?"
"Yeah, who knows, maybe it was a ghost. Hey, I'm walking into work right now so I'll talk to you later, Babe. Love you."
"Alright. Love you too, have a good day."
-----------------
"TAKE A LOOK NOW AT THIS GORGEOUS NECKLACE, WITH A RUBY STUDDED PENDANT AND TWENTY FOUR CARAT GOLD..."
Matt sprung up in his bed to the sound of the Home Shopping Network blaring at full volume from the television in the living room downstairs. He spread his arm over the opposite side of the bed to find it an empty mess of bed sheets.
"Fucking Kelly, come on."
It had been two months since Matt had moved into his new home and he and Kelly had by then officially announced their engagement to their respective families. Making the move out of state had been rough on her in terms of adjusting to her new job and the general uneasiness she felt in the house meant that sleep hadn't been finding her easily. She often crept out of bed during restless nights and wound up watching the news or infomercials to help her fall asleep.
Matt threw the covers off himself and waddled out of the room. Bleary-eyed, he walked down the stairs and stopped on the landing between the stairs and the front door of the house. He first saw the gorilla-sized man in a wife-beater and boxer shorts take a seat on his couch, and then, over the sound of the television, could hear Kelly sobbing against the wall on the opposite side of the room. When she looked up and saw him, she sprinted across the room, into Matt's arms and continued crying into his shirt.
"Wh-wha—"Matt choked on his surprise. "What the fuck is going on?"
The giant man stared blankly at the television. Matt opened the closet next to him and felt around for his hockey stick. When he found it, he ran up in front of the television and turned hit the power button.
Silence. The man turned his head and horror spread visibly over his face, as well, as his eyes widened out and his mouth gaped open.
"What the fuck are you---WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?"
The man's voice was squeaky, and caught Matt again by surprise. "Don't come in here!"
"Run next door and call the police," as Matt ushered Kelly out the door. Turning back to the man, "We are calling the police. You hear that? Get the fuck out of my house!"
The man stood, even further in shock. Matt raised the hockey stick out in front of him.
"I told you don't come in here," he squeaked. "Please leave my home and leave me alone!"
"What are you talking about! Get off my couch and get out! NOW!" Matt took a few steps forward.
"I don't want to meet you," he squeaked, and as he did, his eyes welled up. "get out of my house get out of my house get out of my house Get out of my house Get out of my house GET OUT OF MY HOUSE GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" He shrieked and charged at Matt, who stumbled as he turned and fled out the open door.
--------------
A gray-haired police officer approached Matt and Kelly where they sat in their Range Rover a few houses down the street.
"Well," said the officer, "whoever it was you saw in your house is gone, now. He must have left through the back door before we arrived. How did you describe him? Big, black?"
"Yeah, about Six-Five and Three Fifty, I guess."
The officer turned his body for a moment to watch the activity behind him and scratched himself behind the ear with a note card. "You're sure? You got a good look at him?"
Matt looked at the officer sternly. "Yes. There was a big fat black guy on my couch in his underwear. I got a good look at him, Officer. He was hard to miss."
He cleared his throat. "Right. Okay, well. Alright, well we will keep a lookout for him and in the mean time, it's safe to go back inside your house—"
"I'm not going back in there, Matt."
"Right, well, when you do, make sure to keep your windows and doors tightly locked. Try and get some rest tonight, too. If y'all need anything just call us right back up. Take care, folks."
When the officer wandered away, Hank and Emily, who had been listening in on the conversation from the opposite curbside, approached them. "Hey, you two. Do you think you'd like to pick up that rain check on the coffee right now?"
-------------------
Matt and Kelly sat down on the floral-patterned couch around Emily's coffee table as she went into the kitchen to get a pot started.
"So, what exactly happened tonight?" asked Hank.
Matt deferred to Kelly. She cleared her throat and gazed at the ground as she talked. "Well I couldn't sleep tonight so I went downstairs for a glass of water. I didn't want to wake Matt up so I stayed down there on the couch and turned on the TV and muted it. It...helps me fall asleep. Well then it all of a sudden got really cold in the room. Freezing cold. I stood up to get a blanket and when I did, the TV unmuted itself and a man sat down on the couch next to me. I don't know where he—"
Hank held up his hand. "Hold on, stop. You told the police it was a big black man, right?"
"Yes...why?"
"And did he was probably unshaven and bald, right?"
Kelly shook her head that she didn't know.
"He was, I saw him," said Matt.
Hank's face brightened and he swiveled around in his chair. "Emily! You were right!" He turned back to face Matt and Kelly. "What do you know about the previous owners of the house?"
"Nothing. The realtor just told me the house had been empty for some time."
Emily walked into the room, smiling, with four mugs on a tray. "Oh, did he?"
Matt and Kelly looked at Emily expectantly but she said nothing more as she placed their coffee in front of them.
"Harold Reed wasn't completely a shut in," said Hank, "but he was the kind of guy who would have died without anybody noticing - and he did. Three years ago. There was always something off about him."
"Tell them about Marcus first, honey."
"Oh, right. Harold had a brother, Marcus. I don't know what he did for a living, but he must have been pretty good at it because he had plenty of money. Enough to buy Harold that house you live in now. He used to come around here every so often to check up on him and give him money for groceries and bills and whatnot. He would ask us to keep an eye on him, to make sure he was doing alright. Harold, he said, was a shy kid ever since they grew up together and didn't really ever care enough to get along with anybody. Never had any social acquaintances to speak of. Not that he would have spoken anyhow."
"Marcus was such a nice man," said Emily. "He cared so much for his brother. He never married, however, and he had mentioned that their parents died in a traffic accident when they were young. So when he died - that must have been 8 or nine years ago - Harold inherited all of his possessions and money."
"Now - Do either of you read much?" asked Hank. Without waiting for a response, he went on. "Harold reminded me of Miss Emily from William Faulkner's A Rose for Emily. He was not insane, nor was he stupid. He just had a profound inability to confront life. As far as I could tell, he had two real passions. The first was buying antiques online and over the phone then burying them in his yard. His second was mowing the lawn. He had a big red riding mower he used to ride up and down his yard for hours every morning, even when the lawn wasn't long enough to cut."
Hank and Emily both smiled at the looks of stunned realization on the faces of Matt and Kelly.
"Okay, so, our house is haunted."
Emily laughed. "We're confused as to how it's taken you so long to notice. Don't you wonder about the noises?"
Kelly answered. "Well, Matt works a lot. I just kind of figured it was an old house and that old houses make noises. I always feel...just...creepy though, at night mostly."
"And Matt, what about the lawnmowers? Don't you notice sometimes that there is not a lawnmower out there to be making that noise?"
"Um, I guess I haven't. You said he had an inability to confront life. Would that mean he might have had an inability to confront death as well?"
"I think that makes the most sense," said Hank.
"He's harmless," said Emily, with a smile.
"What about tonight?" asked Matt. "That was not harmless! That was—"
Hank interjected. "I'll tell you what that was. Since we realized Harold was still around, we've been doing research. Ninety percent of hauntings are just emotional imprints left on physical objects by people. You said he starting crying and screaming at you to get out of his home, correct? He wasn't yelling at you. He was yelling at me. I would bet that was the most upset he has ever been in his life. When we first moved in here, just like you did, I went over to meet my new neighbor. He didn't answer his door, but it was partially open. I knew he was home because he'd been mowing earlier, so I pushed it open. Well, he didn't like that. You saw how he reacted."
"So what does that mean? That's going to happen as long as I live here?"
"You were standing in front of your door when he noticed you tonight, yes? I'm guessing that that was what triggered it."
"Okay, don't stand in front my door, then? That might be difficult."
Hank laughed. "I would also guess that he needs to be in the position he was, which is on the couch and watching TV, for you to trigger it. That's what he was doing when I walked in on him."
"So what do you suggest?"
"Kelly, what channel were you watching?"
"Home Shopping Network."
"There you go. Don't watch that channel anymore."
------------
Matt and Kelly sat on their front porch watching the sun come up and still sipping on their coffee.
"You said you feel creepy in this house?"
"Sometimes, I do."
"I haven't ever felt anything like that, so I don't know. Do you think we ought to look for a new place to stay?"
Kelly took a sip before answering. "No...No, not really."
"So you're okay with this?"
"I'm a big girl. Besides, I like this house too much."
Around the corner of the yard, a lawnmower motor fired up.
"Hello, Harold."
"This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper. " - TS Eliot
User Reviews
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-10-18 18:49:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i was pretty harsh on myself... i forgot what i wrote in this story so i just read it like it was somebody else's, and it's not bad. i likes it.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-04 22:51:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-04 16:09:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wait, you mean they DON'T go to Beetlejuice at the end for help?
What a gyp.
I think it might have helped to have the main characters discover a bit more about Harold before eventually learning the truth from the neighbors. Little things at first, a slow build. I know there are elements of that here, but there's little development that comes from them. Event 1 happens, and then we cut to Event 2. There's no time for the characters to digest the experience, laugh it off, chalk it up to chance or the wind or something else, etc. Because of this, the end just seems like one big dump of information. The 'knowing neighbors' ideas is a nice end, but it would really work well if there'd been more drama building up to it.
And a catshit-stained couch? Really?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-04 15:00:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
jeez, that was...bad.
Really badly put together, and so disjointed I thought there were 3 different stories going on there.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-04 14:13:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ish
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-04 14:13:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmmm
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-04 08:42:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked the story...but I don't see how the title ties in, at least not seamlessly.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-04 03:23:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I think that makes the most sense," said Hank.
"He's harmless," said Emily, with a smile.
"What about tonight?" asked Matt
Said Hank. Said Emily. Asked Matt.
-------------------
This is an amateur writing competition. No prizes, right? So the point of this competition must be to help amateur writers develop. I need your criticism.
I know the dialogue was shaky throughout the story. It was on my mind throughout the writing procss. But the he said she said stuff above seems to have too much of a journalistic feel to it to have a place in fiction. And listing people's names like this --
Emily - "whatever"
-- doesnt flow with a story such as this. I tried my best to let you know who was talking in this story without explicitly mentioning the characters' names, but it obviously did not work.
So what do any of you suggest I change? For the life of me, I couldnt think of any other style I was comfortable with while writing this piece.
It may have just been the time constraints fucking with me. I dont know. I wrote this very quickly and had no time to revise any of it.
Either way, this story sucks, and good luck gofer in round two.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-04 02:38:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
comment by Oly on 2006.10.03 at 10:17 PM (#)
Oh, yeah, about that. I originally was going to write this from the perspective of Harold, sort of like Bruce Willis' character in The Sixth Sense who doesnt know he's dead because nobody has told him yet, and I think the poem would have tied in with his story perfectly. Then, I was going to make Harold a bad ghost while writing with a third person narrator, like the story is now, and then kill all my characters off in fun little ways, but then I realized that would have been way too long to submit as one post because I'm pretty sure I could reach a legitimate novella length with that plot concept. I still think that would have been a fun story to write, but just not for this contest (which is Grueberfest, on the other site.), and then the poem would have worked even better because I would have used every stanza rather than just the last one.
In the end, I settled on this crappy plot that doesnt directly tie in with the poem. It still relates to Harold, but not to the rest of the story.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-10-04 01:39:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-10-04 00:05:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The dialogue just doesn't seem right. A little choppy and a few times I had to reread it to see who was talking to who. Otherwise, it seemed ok.
I don't get the tie in with the title though. Maybe I'm stupid. Probably I am.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-03 23:06:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There were some places I thought this was a little overdramatized or predictable, but overall I think you did a good job with it.
Submitted by Tony_the_Tiger_is_a_Pedophile (user info) at 2006-10-03 23:05:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
way to go, bro
best EVAR!
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-10-03 21:01:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok, I read it. I'd give it a 1, I think.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-10-03 20:54:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oops, didn't mean to post that link there.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-10-03 20:53:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/93904
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-03 20:37:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/93382
This IS the compressed version, so dont ask.