My First Post On Uber (At Long Last!) (1046 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: -0.92 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by frankthebear (View user info) at 2006-10-03 23:28:01 EDT
(The following post is protected by the First Amendment, so if you don't like it, sod off!)
A man walks in to a talent agents office and says "Have I got an act for you!" The talent agent looks up from his paperwork and says "You got five minutes." The man launches right into it.
"Well, I walk out on stage, completely naked, covered head-to-toe in guacamoli. Then my wife comes out on stage,completely naked, covered head-to-toe in dill relish. My ten-year-old son comes out, completely naked, covered head-to-toe in spicy brown mustard. Then my eight-year-old daughter comes out, completly naked, covered head-to-toe in ketchup. Finally the family dog comes out, completely naked, covered head-to-toe in fur! The the stage crew pushes a large kiddy pool out on stage, the kiddy pool is filled with mouldy baked beans and stale beer, the smell is amazing!
"Now the music picks up, kind of a circus caliope kind of ditty. We all start dancing around the kiddy pool filled with mouldy baked beans and stale beer, holding hands and kicking out legs like the Rocketts. Then all of a sudden, we all turn to the left, bend over, and start fist-fucking each other in the ass. I'm fisting my wife in the ass, my wife is fisting my son in the ass, my son is fisting my daughter in the ass, and my daughter is fisting me in the ass, and we do this for awhile to get the audience in the mood.
"After the fisting comes my sons favorite part, the oral sex. My son and I take our places at opposite sides of the kiddy pool, facing the audience, while my wife goes down on my son and my daughter goes down on me, and let me tell you, my daughter is a natural! She'll stick her little ass up in the air and twitch it back and forth to get the audience excited, and it works. Now the music builds to a crecendo and my son and I blow our loads in the girl's mouths simultaneously, this took months to synchronise, by the way. We then spin around and the girls spit thier mouthfull of cum into our asses.
"Now we all start dancing around the kiddy pool again before we all fall into the mouldy baked beans and stale beer and start rolling around in it and eating it and rubbing it on each other and just generally having a good time. Meanwhile my daughter hops out of the kiddy pool, kicks the dog in the testicles, throws up on him and tosses him out into the audience. We then all get out of the kiddy pool, shit on the stage, puke into the first row seats, and take a bow saying TA-DAAA!"
The talent agent lust looks at him for a moment, then he says "That's the most horrible thing I've ever heard in my life! What do you call an act like that?"
And the man says "We call ourselves The Aristocrats!"
User Reviews
Submitted by Qaarkk (user info) at 2007-01-06 18:36:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by mynameisandy (user info) at 2006-10-16 23:24:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't find this funny in the slightest, but I have a fucking MASSIVE erection!
Submitted by smemma (user info) at 2006-10-16 18:19:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-16 18:16:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-10-11 05:24:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-10-05 15:48:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FEAR MY HACKING SKILLS. I HAVE RESTORED YOUR POSTS AND BROUGHT THEM BACK TO THE FRONT PAGE WITH MY SPECIAL POWERS!!!!!1
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-05 12:55:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Anyone who uses the term 'sod off' isn't covered by the First Amendment.
Submitted by SatansPetMonkey (user info) at 2006-10-04 20:08:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
am i the only one that doesnt get the aristocrats thing?....
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-10-04 03:16:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BART, WHERE HAS THIS POST GONE? I NEED TO KNOW!
UBERSITE IS CRASHING DOWN AROUND US!
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-10-04 01:54:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
NUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-10-04 01:42:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
wow. I'm new here...at least new to posting...been a long time reader...and even I thought that was pure crap. like Allyson said it so well...-2DIE.
and disappear, fag.
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-10-04 01:03:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2006-10-04 00:44:47 (#)
Ranking: 0
Front page nothing, it's just plain disappeared!
____________
hmmm I wonder if its because YOU ARE SHIT?
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2006-10-04 00:44:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Front page nothing, it's just plain disappeared!
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-10-04 00:40:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Ok, either I'm going crazy, or this isn't on the front page anymore.
Submitted by kbs050 (user info) at 2006-10-04 00:24:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Dirty Humor? That was humor? What the fuck is wrong with you? Eww!
Submitted by kwame_johnson (user info) at 2006-10-04 00:18:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
ooooh kay
buh bye
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-10-04 00:12:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2006-10-03 23:41:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
That's right, just get all the venom out now, this was only a warm up. I promise I'll be tasteless rude and offensive just like everyone else if you just give me a chance!
__________-
COOL can't wait fagboy!!!!
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2006-10-04 00:10:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
why'd you have to post this?
must i say it?
-2 DIE!
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-10-04 00:09:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the joke was never funny because when one goes to such lengths to shock, the effect is immediately ruined by the legnths taken. there are few truly shocking things, and none of them are found in either text or the spoken word.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-10-04 00:05:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
And here's how Steve Irwin would narrate this scene, if (RIP) he was still with us today.
"Awh, would ya look at this cute litta bugga! Here we have the common Intahnet noob, right here in its natural habitat. Ain't he a beaut!
Now, he's obviously the runt of the littah, judging by its small head and dependency on the leftovers of others. If left alone, it will probably be devoured by the larger, more ferocious pack animals, or simply die from its inability to take care of itself.
It's right sad, isn't it?"
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-10-04 00:02:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
is that a movie?
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-10-03 23:57:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are my least favorite poster. Ever.
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2006-10-03 23:57:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well at least someone liked it
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-03 23:50:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I couldn't be arsed to read it, but if PIB said I would like it,
I FUCKING DID!!!!
PIB, fuck thee in thy anus, you bitchboy.
:-/
Dear author: BWAHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHH!!!!!!
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-10-03 23:44:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-10-03 23:44:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Well at least you have a good attitude about it.
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2006-10-03 23:41:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's right, just get all the venom out now, this was only a warm up. I promise I'll be tasteless rude and offensive just like everyone else if you just give me a chance!
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-10-03 23:41:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Aristocrats goes over better when spoken. By Penn Jillette.
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-10-03 23:37:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-03 23:32:04 (#)
Ranking: -2
Holy fuck.
I remember the first time that I heard that one. I fell off of a dinosaur laughing.
____________
Take note frank the scary faggot bear - THATS FUNNY
at the rate this is going only fucking bubba will think you are funny, or not gay
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-10-03 23:32:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-03 23:32:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Holy fuck.
I remember the first time that I heard that one. I fell off of a dinosaur laughing.
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-10-03 23:30:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
SHUT THE FUCJ UP FAGGOT EVERY CUNT ON HERE SAW THAT MOVIE AND IT IS AS SHIT AS YOU SO FUCK OFF YOU CUNTED UP PIECE OF SHIT
IF YOU DONT LIKE IT SOD OFF OOOHHHHH TOUGH POOF HERE WE HAVE A TUFF POOF HERE
shut the fuck Up asshole
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-03 23:29:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No it isn't.