Grueberfest 06: The Wrong Step Forward (541 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryLabels: grueberfest06
Rating: 1.68 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2006-10-04 01:06:14 EDT
We became pregnant in the wintertime
Though I should perhaps say she got pregnant
And we, together, shared a pregnancy,
But then, none of this matters anymore...
I see you, all of you, with your faces
Slack and hopeful, white, moving, creeping eyes
Against the night behind you, and I know:
I know the depths to which the undertow
Can drag you as you claw 'gainst wave and tide,
I know because my wife and child have died
And I am now alone, alone inside
A hell inside a home that I cannot
Presume to call my own, though land and lot
Are deeded all to me. They only serve
As grim reminders of my family.
This tree my hand has hewed and hacked to splinters
Did not at once a leveled thing become,
It started when the world embraced the sun
Again and spring reclaimed the land from winter:
An evening spent inside hidden away,
Stopping short the rain, the cold, the night,
Those little lovers' games we liked to play
Were shadow framed and kissed by candlelight,
With music all around us we began
To dance, the station fading out and in,
Her hands on me, mine on our little man
Who'd just begun to curve a smile of skin
Across her waist, our bodies moving back
And back again we'd float as if on air,
The world stood still in yellow, love and black,
A matchless moment, one without compare,
I still recall her breath across my face,
Her eyes enchanting, casting all their spells,
And how, in all of this, I lost my place:
I took a wrong step forward, and she fell.
A mess of reaching hands and beating hearts,
Her tangled legs, a thud, a shout, my name,
The broken laws, the hospital, the charts,
The little grave, the loss, the guilt, the blame.
We took a chance on love and lost to joy
Our happiness - our unborn baby boy.
In death they say the love of life increases
If so then I am doubtless doubly blessed,
For though Luck left my living dream in pieces
It seems that Madness wanted all the rest.
For months we lived in silence in our home,
No laughter, no more whispers in the dark,
The grief was something that we shared alone
For coupling had left its lasting mark
Upon our very souls and in her grief
My darling wife succumbed to deep depression,
The pills, prescriptions, brought her no relief,
And therapy could not her burden lessen;
She blamed herself, she said so every day,
"If I was stronger he'd still be alive,
I'd take his place if there was but a way
As parents should before their children die,"
The sessions, scrips and sacrifices failed,
Our love and patience for each other waned,
But I refused to see our lives derailed
And swore to God I'd see her through the pain.
A surrogate I purchased her one evening,
A little doll to help her grieve and heal,
For this I'd learned through countless hours reading
Could give a form to sorrow, make it real,
Something tangible, the child she never bore,
From everything I'd learned the choice was clear,
And yet it seemed to hurt her all the more
At first, her eyes would fill and flood with tears,
But then in time she tentatively took
The child, embracing it with caution, care,
She smiled and in her eyes I saw a look
That told me her poor heart could be repaired.
For days she tended to the little boy
Then days dissolved and drifted into weeks,
I tried to tell her he was but a toy
A bauble, nothing more than an antique,
But she would not listen. She'd smooth it head
And sing it little songs to calm and charm,
I'd wake to find her absent from our bed
In midnight hours and find it in her arms
Downstairs, "Just rocking baby back to sleep,"
She'd say to me as if the truth was clear,
And though she'd smile I'd watch her softly weep
And knew then there was plenty left to fear.
I should have made a stand, had her committed,
At least my soul might then have been acquitted,
But God above will not my slate erase,
The blood is on my hands, the guilt, my face.
Assuming that a change would do her good
I left the office early with a plan
To take her out of town, I understood
That going back to where our love began
Might help us, so I quickly booked it all
And brought her flowers to round out the surprise,
I snuck inside the house and from the hall
I saw her and could not believe my eyes.
Reclined upon a couch her naked form
Was curled with the baby in her arms,
As if she meant to keep the child warm,
Protecting it from element and harm,
She slowly sat erect, her hair cascading
Across her breasts and covering the tips
The strangest thing, she started serenading
The doll, a lullabye spun from her lips,
Our house had long forgotten music, song,
And so to hear it gave me quite a start
The notes forbidden, it had been too long,
To listen to her nearly broke my heart;
The sweetness quickly curdled into fright
As my eyes learned that in her other hand
A silver pair of shears caught morning light
The little handle 'cross her golden band,
She shifted weight and tossed her hair aside
And placed the doll's fake lips upon her skin,
This, my wife, my troubled, tortured bride,
This plastic creature nursed with growing grin
As if a child serving teddies tea
She acted as if everything was real,
A girl playing dress up, make believe,
I motioned to my presence then reveal.
I stopped and felt the blood drain from my face
As I bore witness to her fall from grace.
She took the doll and slowly wiped its lips
To wipe away the remants of its meal,
She laid it gently down between her hips
And motioned with her scissors her appeal:
She said "Babe, to the breast, babe, to the breast,
You've taken the milk now you'll take the rest,"
And with a flash her fingers found the shears
And when she sliced, no scream came, no, no tears,
Just gritted teeth and trembling from her chin
And blood from where her nipple once had been,
The doll, embraced, was placed upon her breast
Its lifeless lips a sticky muted, mess.
I shouted out her name and crossed the floor
She looked at me and slashed the silver blades
Still blanketing the doll in growing gore
I kept my distance, safely stepped away,
"You'll not take this one too" she growled and cursed
The ribbons running down her hips and thighs,
"I've raised it, made it mine, and begged it nurse,"
I searched for soul but found none in her eyes,
Each time I motioned towards her she would hack
The air to slice my shirt to little shreds,
Her skin was pale, her eyes were ringed with black,
Her hair, now streaked in blood, was tipped with red.
I feinted towards her, at me came her strike,
I motioned for her wrist to break her grip,
I missed, her quick hand slashed with all its might
And split my cheek from jawbone down to lip,
The pain shot through me as the flesh was torn
And freed, the flap fell softly 'gainst my skin,
My teeth exposed, my face in blood reborn,
A scream escaped an unassisted grin.
I reached for her while falling by the wall
My hands did not find flesh, but found her doll.
This little creature with my failing breath
I gave a quick and sickly sort of death,
The world spun round, the edges growing black,
I took its head and snapped it cleanly back.
She stood there, silent, bleeding, bare and wild,
Her eyes watched as the body of her child
Dropped, headless, to the splattered floor below,
Then looked at me and said "I think I know
The reason for all our pain and sorrow,
And I will see to it that come tomorrow
The world will have one less unhappy mother,
I've lost my children, I'll not lose another."
She knelt and kissed me, softly said "goodbye,"
She took the scissors, dropped them 'tween her thighs.
The handle held in both her hands descended,
The metal pointing where our lives had ended
She smiled at me with love, with fear, with hate
And forced the shears into her body's break.
Too great to dress in words, the flow of blood,
The fountain of her form become a flood,
Collapsing to the floor she fell again,
This time her life eventually would end,
And crawling to my side she laid her head.
I passed out. When I woke I found her dead.
I see you all, your faces, and I know
What each of you would do to save the life
Of those you love, a husband or a wife
Or child, for love is greater than the self
And in itself it justifies the means;
But in your good intention sorrow screams
And in your best laid plan a horror lurks,
I beg you watch the work of chance and fate
In hours late and at the waking dawn,
The devil and the lord work in a breath
And every wrong step forward,
And every right step back,
Could prove the difference between life and death.
User Reviews
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-10-05 19:46:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very few people play in the same sandbox as you.
Are you hip to Edna St. Vincent Millay at all?
http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/millay/ballad/ballad.html (The Ballad of the Harp-Weaver)
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-05 07:01:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and I was so taken by the sad element here that I forgot to say this was also fucking horrific and made me feel like I had to vomit.
:)
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-04 23:20:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are exceptionally good at expressing grief in your writing.
I'm thrilled with the ridiculous things you did with the rhyme scheme here- it worked.
Storywise, this hit on a very personal note for me, and so of the two entries I prefer this one.
Maybe another time I can get more specific about lines and such.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-04 22:48:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked this more than i thought i would
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-04 21:40:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shlongy, comparitively young punk that he is, does not appreciate
well-written poetry.
Shlong, it's like the words to a good song. Just put it to music, like something
from Tommy Bolin.
"Keep me out of LA, people are crazy out there..."
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-10-04 21:29:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-04 12:30:02 (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
============
Douche baggery of the highest caliber. You have a solid +2 rating by me.
This was excellent, better than your normal writing which I like immensely, but this was great.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-04 14:10:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-04 13:10:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-04 03:09:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright. As most people, I'm not big on poetry, but yours is some of the easiest to read I've ever found. Can I ask you seriously why you even post on this site? This site is for hacks. Or is this just your alter ego?
Your are a phenomenal author. I feel the same way about you as I do about Bickerstaff. You need to get published and stop wasting your time on this site.
---
I'm glad you enjoy it, and that it's readable. I wonder sometimes if it's a little too straightforward - that something written like this risks boring the reader because it's not all flash and form. Seriously, though, thanks for reading, and for the kind words.
To answer your question why I post here: I've mentioned this a handful of times in the past, but I never really wrote a lot before I started posting here. Scattered, nonsensical poems here and there, but nothing legitimate, developed, or, honestly, any good. So when it comes down to it, I post here because doing so lets me play around with words and, hopefully, grow as a writer. I've called it a sandbox before, and I think that's pretty accurate.
In other news, I was wondering when you were going to show up Shlongy.
I trust you're not going to review any of the other entries.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-04 12:30:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-04 12:08:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck, this is supposed to be a +2....rate this as a +2!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-04 12:07:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A bit long, but beautiful imagery.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-10-04 11:52:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay!
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-04 11:13:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucked up but amazing. I love your stuff.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-10-04 10:17:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*blinks* Dude...
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-04 09:11:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aces. Just aces.
You can sort of hum this as a bastardised version of O'Malley's Bar.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-04 09:00:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ace work as always, mi compadre.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-10-04 06:29:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-04 03:09:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright. As most people, I'm not big on poetry, but yours is some of the easiest to read I've ever found. Can I ask you seriously why you even post on this site? This site is for hacks. Or is this just your alter ego?
Your are a phenomenal author. I feel the same way about you as I do about Bickerstaff. You need to get published and stop wasting your time on this site.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-10-04 01:40:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment