Lawn Gnomes Eating French Fries And My First Experience With Acid (2009 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.91 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Matt Maiorano (View user info) at 2006-10-04 16:35:09 EDT
I've never been too big on the drug scene. The only drugs I've ever taken were prescription pills and pot. I got hooked on painkillers after my wisdom teeth were pulled, but I kicked that habit as soon as I ran out of pills.
However, I have been known to be very curious, and I broke the promise I made to myself, swearing that I wouldn't experiment with anything unnatural beyond marijuana and mushrooms.
One of my friends showed up at my place for a small party I was throwing. Nothing special, just a bunch of my friends gathered around the TV for some football, beer, cigarettes, Smash Brothers Melee, and probably some late-night Wendy's after we got hungry.
The perfect get-together in my book.
As mentioned before, one of my friends showed up (who will be referred to as "Steve"), and he handed all of us little square pieces of paper.
"Dude.... What the fuck is this?" I inquired.
"Gentlemen...." Steve began. "Tonight is going to be the night."
"The night we lose our ass-virginity?" Dan joked.
"Yeah. That's what I had in mind. You didn't hear that part over the phone? 'Hey, wanna come over for some beer, football, and maybe a little sex?' Fucking tools." I replied.
"No. No, dipshits. I've been meaning to do some tripping with you guys, but the opportunity never came up. That's why tonight is THE night."
We froze.
"Woah.... This is Acid?" Tony asked.
"Damn straight."
"Fuck man, why're you bringing this shit here!? I just wanted to have a few beers with you guys, not get all fucked up!" I began to whine.
"No worries, bro. I promise you guys, this is going to just be a mild trip. No trees reaching out to grab you, no running down halls and brick walls appearing in front of you, none of that shit."
It was apparent that we still had our reservations about this. Dropping Acid? No way this could ever turn out good. Steve was the biggest stoner there, with me coming second. And I've nearly passed out from smoking pot before. There was no such thing as a "mild trip" with Steve.
"Fine. If it turns out bad, I'll let you guys each kick me in the nuts three times." Steve added.
Woah.
"Three times?" Allen chimed in.
"Three times."
"Square in the sack?"
"You heard me. You can nail me right in the junk."
"Dude, Acid was used as a pain killer back in the day. You're just gonna get fucked up and then let us kick you in the nuts without flinching. You're such an asshole." Dan said.
"Fine then. Sober. You can each kick me three times in the nuts, SOBER, if this turns out to be bad." Steve answered.
That sold us.
After writing up a contract in triplicate, and Steve signing each one, we each placed the square of paper on our tongues.
I was at first expecting it to punch me square in the ovaries with the effects, but I actually felt nothing at first.
"When does it start?" I asked.
"You'll know." Steve replied.
Fuck me in the ass and call me your sister. I didn't like the sound of that.
------------------------------------------------------------
"You know what a great line from 'Hitch' was?" I asked.
"Fuck man, you're such a queer. Why're you quoting 'Hitch', Queery McQueer? Fucking queer. You're such a queer." Dan answered.
"I loved the line 'is it itchy in here, or is it just me'. That was such a great line, because that's how I feel right now."
"Itchy?" Tony asked.
"No. I feel like a line."
"Dude, I don't have any coke on me." Steve laughed.
"NO! Not a LINE. A LINE. Like.... a line of comedy. You know, in the universe or some shit."
"Wait.... You think that people are like a line of text?" Allen asked, wide-eyed.
"Sort of. Like, what if we aren't really people, but just a series of spoken words?"
This made everybody pause and think.
"Fuck, dude. We're fucked up. You seeing any shit yet?" Dan asked.
"Didn't you just ask that?" Steve also asked.
"No."
"Oh."
"That TV is shimmering." I pointed.
"That's snow, you retard."
"Why is there snow in my living room!?"
"Never mind."
---------------------------------------------------------
Steve was driving us to Wendy's. That could only mean that he was driving high. But wait, that's a bad thing. Wait, no it isn't. Steve isn't drunk, so he can't be issued a ticket for drunk driving. Good thinking, Steve.
"Matt, what do you want?"
"Woah, whose voice was that coming out of that box?"
"Is it Jesus?" Tony asked. "Tell him I want pickles on my women made out of breasts and million-dollar bills."
This caused us to nearly throw up laughing.
"Hurry up, Matt. Jesus might get pissed." Steve said after a bit.
"Oh, ok. Gimmie like..... four cheeseburgers or something. And the biggest fries they have."
"Biggie-sized fries?"
"Pfft. Yeah, if that's what they call them. Why didn't we go to Burger King?"
"Or McDonalds?" Allen asked.
"Or White Castle?" Tony asked as well.
"Woah..... so many cheeseburgers. I'm not that hungry."
Steve placed the order and we got our food. The lady looked at us funny for some reason after Steve told her she didn't look like Jesus.
---------------------------------------------------
"WOAH!! PULL OVER!!!" I screamed.
Steve pulled the car to the side of the road.
"What!? What's going on!?"
"There's a lawn gnome over there! We gotta take it, maybe it'll talk to us!"
"Dude, lawn gnomes don't talk."
"This one might! Do you remember David The Gnome?"
"Not really."
"Well, that was a documentary or some shit. We gotta take it."
This was good enough for Steve, Allen, and Tony. The four of us piled out of the car, ran up, and snatched the lawn gnome. In the back of the car, Allen felt that it was necessary to begin feeding the lawn gnome our food.
"Dude, that's our food, man. We can't feed the lawn gnome our food!"
"Come on, man. Give it some of your fries!"
"Ok."
The entire way back, we fed that lawn gnome. It was the most glorious thing we had ever seen. Back at the house, Dan and the others were waiting.
"Where were you guys?" He asked.
"Oh man. We picked up this lawn gnome. This thing kicks ass!" Tony answered.
"Fuck the lawn gnome, let's play some Smash Brothers."
"But.... Where do we put the lawn gnome?"
"I dunno.... Put it to bed or something."
I carried the lawn gnome upstairs to my room and laid it down on my bed. While I was at it, I also made sure that it was nice and warm, so I covered it with a blanket.
-------------------------------------------------------------
"You guys coming down off it yet?" Steve asked.
"Yeah. Wow, that was pretty insane!" I exclaimed.
"I told you guys. I'm just glad this wasn't a bad batch."
"Yeah, your nuts would've been real sore, right?"
"Not really. I would've gotten you guys to sign a new contract by telling you that the old one was void because the devil was the one who signed it for me. Not me."
We paused to look at Steve.
"What!? It would've worked, too. Don't gimmie that shit, I'm not gonna let you guys destroy my nads."
"You're such a prick, Steve." Allen helpfully pointed out.
I was kicking ass with Shiek. These guys didn't stand a chance, not even at 4:00 in the morning.
"Hey guys?" I asked. "Was that lawn gnome really eating the french fries we gave it?"
Everybody stopped and looked at me.
"What?" Tony asked nervously.
We began to listen. There was a noise coming from upstairs.
"No way. No fucking way!" Steve yelled as he bolted upstairs.
In my bed was not a lawn gnome, but a crying nine-year old black girl. Holy shit. Holy dogshit. Holy jumping Jesus Christ on a fucking pogo stick. The cops are going to be out looking for this girl. We're going to get raped by the law and a few inmates with names like "Bruce", "Bubba", and "Smasher". Steve snatched the girl up, grabbed me by the arm, and hissed in my ear:
"Let's fucking go."
"Why me!?"
"This was YOUR idea, asshole!! We're dropping her off at her house, and if I'm going to prison, you're gonna come with me."
---------------------------------------------------
$50 can stop a crying nine-year old any day of the week. It also doesn't hurt to let her know that she can't tell anybody about what happened, or else she loses the $50.
My friends are dicks.
User Reviews
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-07-30 10:16:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holycrap
Submitted by oitsalex (user info) at 2007-09-16 16:52:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the best story EVER
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-02-24 15:45:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
holy fuck, i was going to stop reading this somewhere in the middle, thinking it would be a typical drug story, but i told myself to press on and the end made it all worth it. the last time i did acid, Marilyn Manson jumped out of a poster and started talking to me. then i played Lethal Enforcers on Nintendo in my underwear. that would have been fine, but i was at a friend's house. his dad came home to me standing there with the Nintento gun holstered in my underwear, telling the TV to "make your move, punk!" while my two friends were passed out on the floor.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-02-24 14:53:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-10-26 21:21:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by MadameDestrukt (user info) at 2006-10-17 19:37:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm so glad you gave up on trying to claim this as real, otherwise I'd have had to leave a very bad rating for something I otherwise really enjoyed reading.
I also have to agree with, who eats on acid? Maybe some fun brightly colored tangy candy, but if you're getting into a car at night while tripping it's usally to go somewhere you really shouldn't, like to rock climbing over the river, or to the dealers house to get more, not to your local drive thru.
Oh, and 8 year olds should be around 4 feet tall, GOOD GOD what kind of lawn gnomes do they grow out there, wherever you're from?!?!?!
Submitted by mynameisandy (user info) at 2006-10-15 15:10:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff! Makes me want to get some acid.... and a little black girl.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-10-06 01:09:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kybernetikum (user info) at 2006-10-05 23:22:05 (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for retelling urban myths and giving the godness Lucy a bad name. More -2 to come for this.
--------------------
You MUST know what you're talking about. You've written a heap full of gems.
Submitted by kybernetikum (user info) at 2006-10-05 23:22:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for retelling urban myths and giving the godness Lucy a bad name. More -2 to come for this.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-10-05 14:37:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<mutters to self about 150 lb stone gargoyls, shrooms, and and late night garden raids>
Nah, you guys wouldn't be interested.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-05 08:35:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2006-10-04 17:06:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
Best plot twist ever. Wouldn't have been half as funny if she wasn't black.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-05 02:09:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn. Idont care if this isnt true.
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-10-05 01:50:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
And I've nearly passed out from smoking pot before.
__________
thats called being a pussy faggot
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-10-05 01:47:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I got hooked on painkillers after my wisdom teeth were pulled, but I kicked that habit as soon as I ran out of pills.
__________
then u were not hooked fagboy
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-05 01:19:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah, who the hell wants to eat, on acid?
besides gnomes?
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-10-05 01:03:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-10-04 21:54:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Get out.
Reminds me of a mushroom-n-port enema me and a punk chick gave each other once in the west country beach community of Westward Ho, England back in late 80s- kind of like the South Park episode where they stuck food up their asses and shat out their mouths. But fun, oh yes, very much.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-04 19:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by r1nce (user info) at 2006-10-04 19:25:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for making me snort loud enough to alert my co-workers of my escape from drudgery. Nice one.
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2006-10-04 18:20:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah ... acid. I miss thee.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-10-04 18:16:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't care if this is true or not. It made me laugh.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-10-04 18:16:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-04 17:13:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha... ok, yeah, it's funny.
Drugs are bad, kids.... Mmmmmmmmmmkay?
-------------------------------------
agreed entirely:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91884
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-04 18:03:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was fucking great! At a festival in Denton TX I ran into a buddy of mine and he handed me a sugar cube and just said "here". So I popped it, when he turned around he asked where it was, then his eyes got huge. "Man you just dropped like 4 hits of acid!" The funniest thing that night was his wife driving us home and stopped at Whataburger. She asks what do you want, I said "a just-a-burger with cheese". She goes "Ok, what's on that?". I nearly threw up laughing!
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-10-04 17:57:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not real...but very funny anyway.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-04 17:13:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Urban legend actually probably kept this from getting bored at work, now if you had put something else in for the small girl...
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-04 17:13:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha... ok, yeah, it's funny.
Drugs are bad, kids.... Mmmmmmmmmmkay?
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2006-10-04 17:06:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best plot twist ever. Wouldn't have been half as funny if she wasn't black.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-04 17:05:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for getting "dipshit" in there somewhere.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2006-10-04 17:04:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you swear on a triple nut sack kick that this happened? HMMM
I'll give you the benifit of the doubt ONLY because you told the story well.
And I did laugh.
Alot.
HA!
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-10-04 17:02:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Who wrote that kickass stoner story about trying not to capsize a boat before waking up to realise the nearest water was three hours' drive away?
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-10-04 16:59:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok fine, it's a pretty popular Urban legend I heard from one of my friends who said it happened to him.
Meh, I thought it was a fun story.
Submitted by Hypatia86 (user info) at 2006-10-04 16:58:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha, and she just stayed upstairs? wow, thats alittle nuts. You should have kicked your friend in the balls for that one. I wonder if her parents knew she was gone...
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-10-04 16:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2006-10-04 16:56:04 (#)
Ranking: -1
LIES!!
It's all b/s. Check it out on Snopes http://www.snopes.com/horrors/drugs/closet.asp
But you get a -1 because I laughed.
no cheating next time
---------------
I didn't cheat. But the similiarities are disturbing, actually.....
Maybe we shouldn't have let those guys take the fall for us.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-10-04 16:56:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The twist at the end is actually a true story. This happened to me and my friends, except I wasn't really around for picking up the lawn gnome in the first place. I figured making myself a lead character in this would make it much more interesting than a "OMG, MY FRIENDS PICKED UP A BLACK GIRL WHILE THEY WERE ON ACID" story.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-04 16:56:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shenaninswnwgwnws
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-04 16:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh good lord...
That ain't right.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2006-10-04 16:56:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
LIES!!
It's all b/s. Check it out on Snopes http://www.snopes.com/horrors/drugs/closet.asp
But you get a -1 because I laughed.
no cheating next time.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-10-04 16:52:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Dude, that's our food, man. We can't feed the lawn gnome our food!"
"Come on, man. Give it some of your fries!"
"Ok."
-----
Reminds me of two people I know.
The twist at the end wasn't that believable, unfortunately. You could have had a dog or something.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-10-04 16:44:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking classic!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-04 16:40:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never met anyone who wanted to eat food while tripping on acid.
Mescaline rules.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-04 16:39:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe this is 100% true.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-10-04 16:38:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"We're dropping her off at her house, and if I'm going to prison, you're gonna come with me."
If I had a penny for every time I'd been in this situation, I'd have about........ a penny. Oh well, every little counts.