April Showers. A story about piss (1571 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.82 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by andy <mynameisandy81.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-10-05 02:28:08 EDT
This is a revised story that I wrote to a friend in prison. This explains, and hopefully excuses the sexist misogynistic attitudes presented. My bad grammar on the other hand is totally inexcusable.
April Showers
I'd been seeing a girl casually for about 2 months. We met in our local pub when I was just scoping the girls and having a few beers with friends. One of my friends pointed out two girls kissing (always great entertainment for a group of testosterone filled lads), I knew one of the girls, Steph, a cute brunette with great tits. She was definitely not old enough to drink in the pub (remember you can drink at 18 in England, and have sex at 16, so I'm allowed to comment on her tits, just not buy her a drink), but I was more interested in her friend; a smoking hot, slutty looking blonde wearing some kind of leather ensemble, and bright red lipstick (I couldn't see her tits). Fortunately I had my camera with me, and with absolutely no shame began to snap away franticly.
I waited until they stopped their little show and introduced myself "Hey, I'm Andy, what's your name?"
Then in a cute, slightly posh voice she replied
"April. You a photographer?"
"Yeah, well it's just a hobby really. You like photography?"
"Yeah, I'm studying it at college."
Jackpot! I was in!
I then began to show her some of my most pretentious 'pieces' that were saved on my cameras memory, knowing full well that all students (at least the female ones) fall for any crap you throw at them, as long as you make it meaningful. She was impressed.
So, we swapped email addresses, and started to chat on Messenger and build up a rapport. She was 18 (now is a good time to mention I was 25), liked photography, porn and getting drunk: three of my favourite things. She seemed like she'd let me do anything to her, I couldn't wait to get her over to mine and try all those things I'd seen in porn over the years. I was very excited. But, it was also then that I discovered just how dumb she was. For example: one time, when we were getting to know each other I asked her "What's better? Road trip or fly?" (Personally I'd go for road trip every time. At least a terrorist isn't going to hijack my car) she pondered this for a while, and then answered "I haven't seen either..." I had no response for this, and just moved along to the next question, but I was greatly concerned. Was it that she totally misunderstood my question that concerned me, or that she hadn't seen The Fly?
Another time she told me she didn't like the film Groundhog Day. When I asked her why, she replied "It's too repetitive"... girls are dumb, FACT!
So the inevitable happened, we started seeing each other, getting up to all kinds of rude and kinky behaviour, but it never really went beyond me tying her up and giving her the occasional spank, or (at best) a throat fuck.
One day I was walking her to the bus stop after a pretty standard gag fest; when for some reason, probably trying to impress me, she told me that she'd do anything sexual if the price was right. Believing this to be bullshit, just there to reinforce her 'slutty, sex vamp' persona, I decided to test her. "Would you let someone shit in your mouth?" ...She of course said no, which is what I expected, and hoped to hear (although I'm not entirely sure if I believed her). Unsatisfied, I continued to probe her, trying to think of any sex act that I haven't already performed on her myself.
Me "What about piss, would you let someone piss on you?"
Her "Eww, no that's gross!"
Me "Not even for a thousand pound?"
Her "Maybe if it was you."
Me "Really...?! Excellent! Next time you come over; I'm pissing all over you!"
Her "But you don't have a thousand pound..."
Me "Ha! Like I'd pay you if I did."
She went quiet....
I used this time to think about what it would be like to piss on someone. I'd never really considered it before, and the thought of it didn't really turn me on, so I asked myself some questions:
Would it irritate her skin?
Probably.
Would it make her stink for days?
Who cares?
Would it make me a pervert?
I hoped so.
The more I thought about it, the more disgusted I became with myself, and of course HER. This led me to my final question:
Would it make me laugh?
This question needed no answer. And so it was set; I had decided to piss on her.
Tomorrow was going to be a fun day!
By this time we had walked to her stop, and her bus was pulling in. I spanked her on the arse and said "There's your bus, see you tomorrow... oh, and wear something slutty" then promptly walked away without giving her so much as a goodbye kiss.
The next day came, and true to her word, she arrived on time, wearing a short leather skirt and tight little top, hair done up nicely, boots, the works. I was impressed. Underneath she wore a bra, but not your normal everyday bra, oh no, something that I'd never seen before, something quite frightening. It had holes where the nipples should be. This was, to say the least; one of the most unattractive items of lingerie I've ever had the misfortune to lay eyes on; It reminded me of a big gay mans arse in tight leather trousers with holes for his cheeks. Her not so perky breasts poked through like saggy water bombs in a broken carrier bag... like I said: Quite frightening. But still, the girl made an effort, and I wasted no time in taking it off, letting her get down to what she done best.... Sucking cock.
Mid way through the gag fest I felt (as a man does occasionally during sex) the uncontrollable urge to piss. Usually of course I'd wait until I'd finished, as pissing is always a good way to flush out the remaining spunk from my urethra. But not forgetting the previous day's agreement (or should I say 'demand') I took the opportunity to see what it would be like to empty my bladder into something slightly dirtier than my toilet (and usually: its surrounding floor). I took her by the hand, led her to my bathroom and asked her to lay down in the bath. It was only then that the dumb bitch realised what I had in mind. "Oh, you want to pee on me now..." Why else would I lead her to the bathroom during one of her trademark blowjobs? Idiot!
Surprisingly she seemed to be almost excited by the prospect of being treated like a living urinal. So I wasted no further time in treating her like one... well, that was the plan...
I'm sure if you're a man, you've experienced the difficulties of pissing with half a boner, it takes an age to start, and ends with short, sharp, inaccurate bursts that seem to go everywhere except the bowl. Add to that the incessant bad timing of stage fright (triggered by her staring at the unimpressive flaccidity of my penis), and the poor bitch was left to lay there, occasionally spouting out lines like "You wont tell anyone about this will you...?" and "Don't get it in my hair ok, I just washed it..." but that's girls for you. Always with the bloody hair...
Expecting an arrival from my warm man fountain, she laid back and closed her eyes. This helped... this helped a lot. I could now relax, and before I knew it I was pissing all over her. On her tits, on her face, on her legs, it was hilarious watching her squirm as I covered her in my liquid gold.
After about half a pint, I thought I should up the anti; see what this bitch is made of "open your mouth!" I thought she wouldn't do it, but this whore was just full of surprises! She opened her mouth without so much as a pause, I couldn't believe it, I was pissing in this girls mouth, a pool had even started to form, and before long was overflowing, pouring down the side of her face and onto her hair. She wasn't going to like that, but by this time I was so astounded by the absurdity of the situation I was hysterical with laughter, you could say I was pissing myself*, but that term had now become quite redundant.
"Swallow it!"... She looked confused "Swallow it bitch!"...
Now just what do you think she did?.... did she call me gross? No. Did she say it was too much? No. What did she do? That's right... she swallowed it... then smiled. Take a moment to take this in. THE GIRL SWALLOWED MY PISS! Not only that.... But she told me it tasted like apples. Hahaha... apples! I'm sure my piss tastes great, but in no way should it ever taste like apples. The girl is clearly deranged.
I then drew near to the end of my piss, (still aiming at her face) and now the once almighty jet had slowed to a wimpish dribble, but what she didn't realise was that I still had quite a bit of piss left in me. I knew the bursts would come soon... She began to speak "Andy, I can't believe you..." **SPLASH**
I let out a short, but powerful burst of urine right into her face, dazing her for a moment. "You got it in my..." **SPLASH** again, another burst, this time narrowly missing her eye. "ANDY! It's in my hair, you got it in my..." **SPLASH** would this dumb bitch ever learn?... Jesus! I hadn't finished yet.
After a few more piss slaps to the face she got the message and kept her mouth shut... well at least, she stopped talking, and I finished what was quite possibly the most entertaining piss I've ever had the honour to be a part of. A piss that I was equally ashamed of as I was proud. I was now ready to listen to her whining... and boy did she whine. I won't bore you with the details, but it went something along the lines of me being a bastard and her being angry that she was now going to have to wash her hair. It's just a shame I was out of shampoo, eh...
THE END
Well, hope you like it, have fun!
* A term used when finding something so funny, it made you piss your pants
User Reviews
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-11-04 07:57:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh my god dude. oh my god.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-11-04 02:52:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ewww.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2006-10-09 10:06:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm at the school library trying to work. This made me laugh very loudly and obnoxiously, for a long time. Fuck that was funny.
Well done.
*continues laughing*
Submitted by fclo002 (user info) at 2006-10-08 16:01:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2006-10-08 06:41:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for the good writing.
+1 for being a sick fuck.
You'll fit right in.
Submitted by CRazyTALk (user info) at 2006-10-08 06:04:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmmm apples
Submitted by Hobocore (user info) at 2006-10-06 05:02:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a sick fuck.
When you're done with her, give me her number/email.
Thanks :)
Submitted by mynameisandy (user info) at 2006-10-06 01:51:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, what nice responses! This is the first stoy I've ever written, EVER! Like in my entire life. I didn't do very well at school 'cos I'm a genius and my teachers didn't like me. I think I got an F in English, so I've had to teach myself how to write. Looks like I managed it on my first attempt, wow, I'm so great! :P I think my next story will be about my life as a highschool student. I once got a detention for sneezing. Man, I hate teachers!
Click on the link to see the last thing I wrote when I was 15, it allways makes me chuckle.
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/21769362/
Submitted by kybernetikum (user info) at 2006-10-05 23:30:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Well, watersports can be big fun actually but it has not much to do with the adolescent phantasies of grandeur displayed in this post.
I wish you good luck should you ever discover real sex.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-05 21:21:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First of all, this was one of the best stories I have ever read here on Ubersite. I hope you stay and write more!
Second, what were you in jail for?
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-10-05 21:03:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I get her address :)?
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-05 19:13:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thouroughly disgusting.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-05 15:05:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DAMMIT Firefox, too many windows. Sorry folks.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-05 15:04:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey I live in Dallas not far from where this http://www.kten.com/Global/story.asp?S=5493363 happened and his home town is about 10 minutes up 75. This kind of thing barely makes news here. We love our guns and if you remember the shooting that took place at Lubys http://www.chron.com/content/chronicle/metropolitan/96/10/15/lubys.html it explains why the CHG law passed here in Texas. I don't hunt, am not a redneck, but do however own a pistol that I practice with fairly often since seeing the knife wielding psychopath get gunned down by Dallas police at the local 7-11 while I was the only patron inside and had almost walked out if not for the clerk. Let's hear it for gun control. Guns don't kill people, I do.
http://www.glock.com/body_g23.htm
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-05 14:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic, it's amazing what women will put up with if they think you are really into them and aren't shall we say "the sharpest tool in the shed". Piss sneeze had me laughing too. But I think this line takes the cake "But she told me it tasted like apples.", you sir, piss apple juice!! Kudos
Submitted by Uberjunkie (user info) at 2006-10-05 14:03:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done and hilarious.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-10-05 13:39:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W!
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-10-05 11:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Piss sneeze made me spit coffee all over the chair next to me.
Submitted by v8lover (user info) at 2006-10-05 11:01:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was so fucking hilarious, it should be on B@W!
Submitted by nya_nyo (user info) at 2006-10-05 10:31:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-05 08:12:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2006-10-05 03:26:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was totally disgusting, but you did it for a laugh, and in my book that makes it okay.
Although, I would've tried to blast it up her nostril, to see if I could trigger a piss sneeze.
Submitted by r1nce (user info) at 2006-10-05 03:04:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-10-05 03:03:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A titty-fuck, a finish and a pee to wash everthing off her chin and chest is truly magnificent.
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-10-05 02:54:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHHAH AH APRIL SHOWERZZ
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2006-10-05 02:28:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Didn't read it.
Decent title, though.