Grueberfest 06': Out of the Corner of My Eye (656 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.18 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by S.I. Co. Semen (View user info) at 2006-10-08 15:53:36 EDT
The walls were overgrown with English Ivy which had crept up the wall, clasping every notch and groove, sprouting new growth somewhere near the ceiling. Sue wondered if it would eventually defy gravity and hang upside down, suspended over her head like a million green eyes watching her. She wasn't going to find out, that much was evident.
Frank, her son was in a kneeling missionary position with thick blood seeping out of a blunt trauma wound to the back of his head. She didn't remember what happened, how she got here, who was behind this, let alone what to do in her current predicament. No less than 100 hundred jack-o-lanterns surrounded her fiercely looking at her with glowing eyes from the tea light candles especially glaring from the corner of the eyes.
"Frank, wake up, honey, please..."
"Frank, WAKE UP, PLEASE!"
No use, Frank's eyes were washed over with clout, a serious stare at nothing in particular, just the glare from the jack-o-lanterns staring back at her. She remembered when he was just a little boy, 3 years from the date that she birthed a human, living being from between her loins. On his 3rd birthday, he gave her a gift just like the caring boy he's been for his 15 years. He didn't know any better.
Just then a voice recording clicked on, emanating from a speaker hidden somewhere in the depths of the ivy boding her to listen:
"Sue, we've brought you here for a very specific reason, a reason for which I'm sure you are aware of. Frank is dead, if you don't want to follow in his path, we suggest you listen very carefully. Hidden in the jack-o-lanterns you will find your key to freedom, but in order to use this, you must firstly admit to your wrong-doing."
"You son of a bitches, what have I done?" Sue was crying and turning red, her face no longer the pale that she was accustomed to, but now a blotchy red.
She sat and pondered, about past events and the only thing that could possibly drag out into something like this was the confession she made to the priest last week. When she was 15 herself, she was a freer spirit and chose to engage in promiscuity resulting in a young child giving birth to a even younger child. She birthed her kid, by herself, in the confines of a hotel that she rented with her own babysitting money.
Blood stained the walls of the bathroom, crimson awash in the wash room, sitting there until the knock of housekeeping jolted her awake. The baby's moans had subsided several hours ago. In a state of shock she felt dirty and the need to ablute, purge herself of sins , and she turned the water on, drowning the baby and the sobs that came with it. She was able to compose herself long enough, answer the door and assure the housekeeping staff that she would be out in an hour and thanked them for their consideration. It was the 70's then, and the baby was easily disposed of at her father's farm. Oh, that farm. Pigs savaged the newly born, newly dead like any other slop that was in front of them, bone and all.
She started smashing pumpkins with fury and white anger to which she couldn't differentiate until she got through 21 pumpkins and inside was the teddy bear that she had made for the tot. She was weeping uncontrollably, staring at Frank, who was staring idly at the same spot as he was before. The tears stopped, not because she was out of emotion, but because she was out of tears, literally dehydrated.
The voice recording clicked on again:
"You will destroy this teddy bear, inside you will find a wrench which you will use on the turn stop located on the wall."
Looking around, she saw an odd shaped bolt-looking piece of metal protruding from the wall no bigger than 3 inches.
"Do that now, and soon you will be out."
The voice sounded eerily familiar, but masked perhaps because of the recording, or perhaps it was her state of shock that distorted it, however, it wasn't her directions that guided her, more along the lines of blind faith.
She walked over and used the wrench to twist knob until she heard a metallic clink in the middle of the room. The drain was covered by pumpkin, which she didn't notice at first, the only pumpkin that wasn't a jack-o-lantern. It's bottom was cut out and it sat over top of a spigot, and just as she discovered this, the recording clicked on again, cracking away. The smell in the room turned into a musty, stale stench of damp water.
"Are you ready to repent for you sins, Sue? If you are, God is ready to accept, just like Jesus did, for you, centuries ago. Say Hail Mary, Hallelujah, if you are."
"H-h-hai-Hail Mary, Hal-hal-ha-Hallelujah" she was barely able to release the air from her mouth before she collapsed on her knees. She added, "father I have sinned..." too late for any real effect.
"Turn the faucet on, Sue."
She did as she was told, cold water gushing from the sides, slowly peeling the ivy from the wall displaying rust colored brown edging the walls. Frank's body slowly rose along with pumpkins and the distinct sound of candles being splashed out.... pssst, psst, psssst, psssst audible over the water pouring in.
Eventually the room was filling in around her, pumpkins edging by her body, creepily groping her, touching her everywhere causing her to gasp in horror. Ablution is a cleansing of the soul, person, and body through the use of water and she was starting to feel purged. The water was overcoming her body now and with one last breath she went under.
The sound went from a crisp sound of trickling to the dull thud of pumpkins knocking against each other, ivy swishing around and she didn't bother holding her breath. Helplessly, she breathed in deep, without much effort, the cold water piercing her lungs like millions of tiny pins making their presence known.
-------------
"We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of two members of our congregation..." began Father Helmsly.
The newspaper article began:
A woman, who has been associated dementia apparently beat her son to death then drowned herself in the confines of her home.
User Reviews
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-10-11 17:44:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well, I guess everyone's said anything I would have.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-11 11:14:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-11 11:14:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I could see what you were going for here, and I really enjoyed some of your writing. Your description of the ivy looking like a million green eyes was nice. Made me miss my old college apartment, which was absolutely covered with ivy.
However I could see all of this after looking past the editing errors and what I'm assuming was a lack of time. Lord knows it's not as if there's another beast of a competition going on right now. And so...
Submitted by GnarlsBarkley (user info) at 2006-10-11 10:03:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I need behive buttshecks
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-10-10 20:42:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Retalitory +2
This wasn't that bad
Settle down, Beavis
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2006-10-10 06:24:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
should I be flattered that you killed me in your first post since our little skirmish? Not bad though, a little like a combination of Saw and Phonebooth
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-09 22:23:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-08 21:18:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-10-08 21:13:30 (#)
Ranking: 1
SiCo, my man... I'm sorry brother, but this needed a LOT of editing.
That first sentance made me die a little inside, however some of the imagery was cool.
----
What he said. :(
===
What they said. Except "sentence."
Submitted by Felony (user info) at 2006-10-09 13:40:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fixing stupidity leak (no need to -2 retal)
Submitted by Felony (user info) at 2006-10-09 13:09:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Can you feel that burn? It is the ghey aids building up on you.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-09 09:04:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Half hour? +2 for that.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-10-09 07:51:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree with the other comments are far as the editing goes, but despite that, I still enjoyed it. Maybe not quite a +2, but I cant be assed with all this "1.5" business of giving someone a +1 and a +2, so +2 it is.
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2006-10-09 04:36:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 I got it back! Woohoo!
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-09 00:39:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You wrote this in half an hour? I dont know how you people do that. I write slow as fuck.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-08 23:03:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I gave my Gfest 1st round entry 90 mins because of the same thing. Work load plus Ubermadness equals me being, as the great Khan would say, "Buried Aliiiiiiive."
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Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-08 21:20:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Kaos, thanks for the input. I'm bogged down with two competitions and unfortunately for Grueberfest I chose this as the lesser of two evils. Unfortunately, you are absolutely right and I apologize to everyone in this competition. I should have put forth more effort, but I only gave it 30 minutes with very little editing. I hope that I didn't let everyone down, because I know that I could do much better. Once again, my apologies.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-08 21:18:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-10-08 21:13:30 (#)
Ranking: 1
SiCo, my man... I'm sorry brother, but this needed a LOT of editing.
That first sentance made me die a little inside, however some of the imagery was cool.
----
What he said. :(
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-10-08 21:13:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
SiCo, my man... I'm sorry brother, but this needed a LOT of editing.
That first sentance made me die a little inside, however some of the imagery was cool.
You are gallantly writing for GrUeberFest '06 and I shall support your endeavours in that.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-08 20:47:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
... to balance.
Good flow of events.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-08 20:46:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1.4, I say.
"... slowly peeling the ivy from the wall displaying rust colored brown edging the walls."
and
"The walls were overgrown with English Ivy which had crept up the wall ..."
Reading the word 'wall' now gives me a headache.
Further, this was a bit too much like the movies 'Saw' and 'Saw II'. I found it a bit of a ripoff of the idea.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2006-10-08 20:42:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 because there was the outline of a good story, but the grammar, structure, and descriptors were all off. It needed to be polished more.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-10-08 20:29:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm drunk and this sucked but my legs told me todo it. Woo LEHS!!!!
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2006-10-08 20:25:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the last +2 i owe
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-08 20:17:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Worth the read.
Submitted by kybernetikum (user info) at 2006-10-08 20:08:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
looks so johnnyx to me
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2006-10-08 17:08:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2006-10-08 17:07:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+6 for ablution
You're a fantastic writer BECAUSE it doesn't take you forever to produce somethig of this caliber
Submitted by fclo002 (user info) at 2006-10-08 16:00:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-08 15:56:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 PsychoSeemin'.