Breaking News (1501 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.58 on 116 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UberMadness! (View user info) at 2006-10-09 01:20:14 EDT
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This post is officially part of UberMadness!. Click here for more information on the rules and restrictions. |
Entry 1
There was mass hysteria again, upright and uptight citizens shooting each other in the face or fucking like dogs in the road while civilization lurched and staggered from catastrophe to catastrophe like the lead in an amateur production of "Richard III".It was all mind-numbingly tedious to Mr. Galactic. If it wasn't a killer asteroid bearing down on Wichita Falls or a supervolcano in Birmingham, it was a hyper-contagious virus that made people's eyeballs blast off like little squishy bottle rockets, or a plague of psychotic vampire drag queens.
To be fair, the vampire drag queens weren't really a plague; it had later transpired that it had just been the Greenwich Village Halloween parade, but the principle was the same. Some breaking news would cut into his evening, usually just when he was beginning to make progress on the Sunday crossword puzzle, or when he'd finally managed to overcome the negative first impression his mild-mannered alter ego always left on women. Then his evening was effectively killed, the wire-rim geek glasses came off and the pyjamas went on, and he'd heroically zoom off to the rescue, frying the baddies with his Quasar Eyebeams™ or crushing them with a Supernova Sonic Shockwave™, or simply just beating the piss out of them with a handy tree. Afterwards he'd be expected to pose for the cameras, supply quotes both witty and wise, and give a full statement to the police, before heading back home to find that neither his date nor a seven letter word for "cod" were still on the tip of his tongue. "Breaking News" had become the bane of his existence.
In the beginning, it had been new and fun. Beating the piss out of people had been its own reward, and even when that paled a little there was still the pleasure of all the free stuff he collected from the grateful peons he'd saved. And the women, of course, as long as he could put up with the relentlessly tiresome pseudo-kinky requests that superhero fetishists always thought were so original.
Inevitably the thrill faded, to the point where he stomped through life in a constant state of low-level irritation. He could have flown, it would have been quicker and far more practical, but stomping was a lot more satisfying.
And so it was that when news of the Great Transgender Crimson Rutilated Flying Saucer Attack and Associated Universal Psychotic Episode of 2006 came spilling across the scrollbar of his television, Mr. Galactic flipped to the Golf Channel and watched Tiger Woods sink a 40-foot putt, with no real interest. His only reaction when Tiger's internal organs were boiled in situ by a single beam of the Crimson Rutilated Death Ray and came boiling out of every orifice in a ghastly torrent was to chuckle slightly and reach for his beer.
His phones were ringing off the hook, of course—even the unlisted land line—but the Death Ray had been scavenged from old microwave ovens, the Flying Saucers were cramped and smelled like wet dog, and the thought of going out there to do battle with the ruby slipper-shod, self-obsessed, catty Transgender Saucerlings again was enough to make him put a gun to his head and pull the trigger. He went into the bathroom to wash the powder burns off his face and comb the bullet fragments out of his hair, and when he got back, the phones had stopped ringing.
With a certain morbid curiosity, Mr. Galactic flipped back to a news network and was more or less cheered to see cameramen backing hurriedly away from their stories, reporters decapitated by rusty garden tools, and an honest-to-goodness rain of frogs in Amsterdam. The Dutch appeared to be taking it in stride; tens of thousands of twitching amphibians were being crushed into a lumpy paste by the wheels of bicycle commuters in full-body raingear.
Well, for once the world was going to weather this crisis without him. He watched Las Vegas nuked by the Campus Crusade for Christ, and chugged his last beer. He'd once foiled a plot by Dr. Electro to turn Lake Mead to acid and boil away the Hoover Dam, and still been taken to the cleaners at the Venetian's blackjack tables the next night; he was happy to see the place go.
The blockbuster headlines were coming faster than he could stand it now, and the novelty of sitting on his ass swigging beer where normally he'd be springing into action and saving the day was wearing thin... particularly since he was out of beer. Not only that, but the news anchors on about half the 397 channels he got were pleading for Mr. Galactic to rescue them, and it was threatening to kill his buzz.
He was damned if he was going to put on that fucking spandex monkeysuit costume just to snag some beer and a pack of smokes. It was only three blocks to the All-Nite Stop-N-Stab. If there was any trouble, the Somalian emigrant slushee-jockeys would be armed to the teeth.
Mr. Galactic actually caught himself giggling as he scooped up his keys from the little dish by the door and stepped out into the night. There was so much shit hitting the fan that there was every chance he'd have to use all of his powers just to get home alive, and here he was, leaving his crimson cape and codpiece hanging in their secret compartment in back of the linen closet.
He hadn't felt so alive in years. Even his brief stint as a psychotic supervillain hadn't made his heart pound like this. The prospect of possibly being caught in the act of crushing the life out of someone with a Supernova Shockwave™ and compromising his secret identity for once and for all, throwing everything away in a single magnesium flare of recklessness, was so intoxicating that he flirted with the idea of detonating the neighborhood just to see if he could get away with it.
He walked past a group of nuns kicking a biker to death and chuckled. So far so good. The cop feeding an alleycat into a wood chipper elicited a mild twinge of conscience, but nothing that could stand up to his need for a 40 oz. of Genny Cream Ale. When he was almost to the convenience store, and a horde of ravening priapic zombies had just chased a screaming sorority girl down a narrow alleyway, he made the mistake of looking up at the sky.
The warhead was spin-stabilized, and coming in so fast that there was absolutely no chance he could vaporize it at a harmless altitude with a surreptitious eyebeam. He could probably survive the blast; it couldn't be more than a megaton in total. However, there was the matter of the beer.
Giddy exhilaration turned into an icy lump in his gullet. Just his luck, there was a news crew trailing the zombie gang rape hoping for a lead story in the next cycle. Maybe they wouldn't notice. At that moment, Mr. Galactic would have traded anything just to have the life-crushing boredom of his old life back. He sprang into action, deflecting the inbound nuke to an isolated part of Western Australia; his superhuman muscles absorbed the terrible momentum of the killer projectile and twisted it away. Windows shattered with the force of the sonic boom the warhead trailed in its wake and the pavement split beneath his feet. He hoped those 40-oz. bottles were made of sturdy glass.
As the news crew stood speechless, cameras rolling, he suddenly knew what it must feel like to be caught masturbating in public. It was all over.
- VS -
Entry 2
1975The police officer put the coffee cup down in the middle of the table. He eyed me as he sat down at the other end. This wasn't even a proper interrogation room. It was the coffee break room. Empty cups, probably brought from home, sat clean on the counter. Some one was the World's Greatest Grandpa. Some one really liked cats.
I got a cup from Disneyland.
I've never been to Disneyland.
"Are you going to smarten up and tell the truth?" He asked me.
I picked up the cup and took a sip. "The coffee is cold."
He rubbed his forehead. "Look, kid, things like this don't happen around here. You don't belong here. This is a nice place with nice people."
"I know," I replied. "It's very nice."
I was passing through the town of Breaking on my way east. It was a small prairie town with old haunted granaries and a water tower overlooking the main street. It loomed over the town like a vulture. Dirt roads and wheat fields webbed out from the little assembly of homes. Breaking was a spider, just waiting for a little fly like me to get stuck.
The officer cleared his throat. I set my cup down. People don't like silence. If you stare at some one long enough, he'll crack and say something. I didn't plan on saying anything, so it was up to him to break.
"You're in big trouble, kid."
"Hard to be in trouble when you haven't done anything."
My mouth was too quick. How could I be in trouble? I was a sixteen-year-old hitchhiker. I hadn't even planned to stay this long in Breaking. Now it seems I'll be spending the night in the police station. I hope the rest of it is in better shape than this room. The break room had yellowing walls and smelled like oranges. The cupboards were dirty and the fixtures were covered in the grime of too many unwashed hands. This place was getting dirtier as it closed in around me.
"You were in her house, kid. What were you doing there?"
"It was getting dark. She offered me a place to crash," I shrugged. "I was just going to stay for a few hours. She said a bus would be coming at nine. Can I have more coffee now? A warm cup this time, please?"
He shook his head and sat back in his chair. The yellowing of his underarms glared at me when he stretched his arms behind his head. "She was being kind to you."
"Yes."
"Then why'd you rape her? Why'd you murder her?" He stood suddenly. I grabbed the cup to keep it from spilling as the table shook. "You killed her, you little piece of shit!"
I blinked. "Did I?"
He wanted to punch me. His fists curled at his sides and he exhaled sharply. I released the cup and mirrored his actions, my own blunted finger nails digging into my palms. I'm not going to tell him that I didn't remember much of the night before. They picked me up this morning. I was asleep in the ditch when they rolled up in the town's only official police car. I was wrapped up in the dead woman's sweater, covered in her blood. They found my bag at her house. The pieces were all there and the solution was clear to everyone but me.
Could I have killed some one?
He thought I was being smart when I really didn't know the answer.
She was a nurse. I was a piece of shit runaway.
And now I was the news in Breaking.
---
They got me a lawyer. I hated him. He smelled like athletic deodorant and hair gel. He told me I should cut off my hair. It was a tangled mess of grease and braids. I was getting sick of it but if people are going to judge me they had better judge my hair too.
They had to move the trial.
Everyone in town still showed up.
The nurse's sister sat right behind me. She spat on me several times. I didn't tell anyone. I figured I deserved it.
I was starting to believe I killed her. Every day I'd hear how I did it. In my mind, things started to form into their story. I held the liquid memories in my hands while the judge read the verdict. I didn't hear his words; I just fell into the pool of my own forced recollection.
She picked me up on the side of the road. I had been walking for days, catching rides here and there. In the prairies, everyone claimed to be friendly and neighbourly. I'm sure they were on a good day. But I must have been walking through on some of the worst days of people's lives. Rides were hard to come by for a strange kid like me.
"What's your name?" She asked as she pulled up beside me.
Her car was nice. It was an old white thing, one of those big cars. My grandparents drove a car like that. She had a kind face and soft caring eyes. I don't know how eyes can be caring but I guess hers were.
My name was David that day. Since then, I've stopped being David.
She told me that I could get some rest at her house. She had to work at nine so she'd drop me off at the bus station on her way. She gave me money for the bus ticket. The police said I stole that money from her after I killed her. But I clearly remember her giving me the money. Or maybe that's a piece I've imagined.
I slit her throat. I must have.
I raped her.
That's the part that cuts me inside.
Rape.
No, no, no. That's not me.
"Guilty."
Every other word leading up to that one was meaningless. And so was every word after.
Her sister stood up and screamed at me. And the entire town of Breaking thought they put their worst news behind them.
But I knew they didn't.
I just didn't say anything at the time.
---
I never met my mother until I got out of jail. She came out of nowhere to protest my release. She must have felt really guilty for abandoning me when I was a kid. I guess she made up for it. It's not like she discovered DNA. She's just really hard to shut up.
Twenty years for nothing. The guy that did it was already in jail for another murder. I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. Life's funny that way. I guess I should have been laughing while my life went to dust.
"You're free now, David," my mother said as she held me close outside the prison gates. Her hair smelled like peaches. I never pictured my mother as a peaches person.
I guess I can be David now. The man in the mirror isn't a murderer anymore.
And I guess I'm the news in Breaking again.
But I don't think I'll be going back there.
Not until I figure out where I've gone.
Entry 1:
AsshOly
august_sobriquet
BadAssJulie
BananaPhone
bob
Bubba2341
c1ndy
Circe
Coleslaw_Murphy
coley
Coyote
Cracked_out_cali
Crystle
domenad
DonkeyOnTheEdge
Ducky
DuiTicket
EatMeCompletely
ELG
eppliks
extacy_red
GetNakeddd
goferforhire
Hirilnara
Impassive-Digressive
indoninja
intellismartness
jfreakman
jgreening
JoeyG
justagirl27
kaos-king
loki
maiorano84
morontian
MyNameIsTim
NerfHerder
peckerhead
PokeyMen
polyamorousaj
rad1101
redskieslookfake
rillins
Sacrilicious
satchel
scourge
sparkle_pink
St_Jimmy
strwbryfanatic
whiskey_jack
WingedFoote
45 eligible votes (51 total) *
Entry 2:
awesome_face
Axolotl
Bigmike
Bizdorph
BLITZKREIG_BOB
CaptainThorns
Chroniclysm
Confuzitron
darko
Davros
DCWoody
DeadHorse
drgoatcabin
DrogoRoch
EchoBoxing
FunnyAsCancer
Genko
ghola
GodChicken
gravitas
helbling
Hookhand
HotWillie
ilikesteak
Jack_McCallum
JMG114
joedaddy
JonnyX
kimmy02721
kinney69
lechuza
LT
Magicaddict
MandaPanda
MrFunions
Orgasmatron
phuzzygish
Razor
Serious_Melvin
Shaun_Rocks
sicosemen
simple_catalyst
Siren
Soley_Trinity
SPECIALk
Stagger_Lee
stevie_says
supadupapupa
Targa
The_taste_of_Monkeys
ubetidid
w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m
48 eligible votes (52 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-10-13 13:26:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was saying Boo-Urns.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-10-13 13:13:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-10-13 12:02:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
BOOOOOO
---
I think he meant WOOOOOOOOOO
WOO WOO
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-10-13 12:31:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
huh?
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-10-13 12:02:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BOOOOOO
Submitted by DeadHorse (user info) at 2006-10-13 11:08:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
#2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-13 11:06:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My rape slave brings all the rapes to the yard,
and they're like: "Rape-rape-rape-rape rape!"
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-10-13 04:22:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, I'll push for # 2
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-10-13 04:19:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-13 04:08:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 1 still has the tiebreaker.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-10-13 03:57:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Clearly #2.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-12 20:00:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-10-12 19:33:12 (#)
Ranking: 0
1 felt forced and it was hard to follow
2 was awesome without being overdone
It makes me sad in my heart that 2 is losing :(
--------------------------------
Just need one person to vote to make it a tie.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-10-12 19:33:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
1 felt forced and it was hard to follow
2 was awesome without being overdone
It makes me sad in my heart that 2 is losing :(
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-10-12 15:44:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked the premise behind numero uno.
I liked numero dos, however I did not like the ending being so abrupt.
Submitted by kinney69 (user info) at 2006-10-12 13:18:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2006-10-12 00:49:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I can't vote for #1 it feels too disjointed, it was slightly amusing.
#2 gets it by a tad because it had so much potential, if it were only a little longer and more detailed.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-12 00:43:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Conan O'Brien's monologue keeps distracting me, so I have little in the way of commentary to add to these. I did read them distraction-free, though. SO GO TO SLEEP PEACEFULLY TONIGHT KNOWING THAT.
Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info) at 2006-10-11 11:17:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
high five to #2. couldn't finish #1
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2006-10-11 10:48:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2006-10-11 08:27:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
didnt mind either of these
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2006-10-11 01:15:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great effort by both! I'm going with No.1 but won't have a hard time with No.2 winning. You both took interesting approaches to the title. Well done.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-10-10 21:24:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-10 20:44:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2006-10-10 20:30:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Har har.
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-10-10 15:50:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-10-10 14:02:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 2 was good: not too long, not too short, good use of title. I went for the moments of hilarity in Entry 1 though.
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2006-10-10 12:48:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
even though this line "She came out of nowhere to protest my release. She must have felt really guilty for abandoning me when I was a kid." threw me off a bit.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-10-10 12:47:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 just made more sense as odd as that sounds.
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2006-10-10 12:44:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i didnt even read the second one
any story that starts off with people shooting each other in the face and fucking each other like mad is a-okay in my book
Submitted by helbling (user info) at 2006-10-10 11:52:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A bit confusing - good writing style, but a more tangible conclusion would've been gratefully received.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-10-10 09:13:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by august_sobriquet (user info) at 2006-10-10 08:13:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
two was good as well, well written, but one had so many funny lines. not laugh out loud but clever.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-10-10 08:03:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed number two a lot. Well written and it sucked me in.
I just got bored with Number one, it just made me switch off.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-10 06:23:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-10-10 05:54:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Bloody hell its a good ubermadness post at fucking last.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-10-10 05:36:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (user info) at 2006-10-10 02:22:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Entry 1 gave up? Or was that a serious attempt?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-09 23:06:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is the hardest call of Round 2 so far. For me, anyway.
#1 was pure hysterical poetry... right until the last line. Or maybe it was the picture. Something fizzled.
The narration in #2 kept me hooked right to the end. No gimmicks, no bullshit. Just a good read.
Sorry #1. #2 gets it.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-09 23:02:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm reading these two again for the eighth time trying to decide...
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2006-10-09 22:59:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
1 was just way out there and yep, it was hilarious. 2 wasn't bad at all, I just thought 1 stood out more for it's outlandishness.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-10-09 21:15:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 1 cracked me up. Entry 2 seemed a little.. uninspired.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-09 21:14:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DuiTicket (user info) at 2006-10-09 20:34:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
unless the second one is based on real life events.....then the first one is better
Submitted by BananaPhone (user info) at 2006-10-09 19:43:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 made me happy in my special place.
Either that or the pie I just had.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-10-09 18:53:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entry one could've been a better story if there was more humor. I like stories about superhero personal lives, but this one didn't really strike my fancy.
Entry #2 had incredible details, and although I thought its voice was a little vague, its descriptiveness more than made up for it. Well done.
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2006-10-09 18:42:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-10-09 18:15:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
aye
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-10-09 18:01:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just liked two better.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-10-09 17:49:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-10-09 17:49:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually quite liked #2, it's the first piece in UM I've really been fond of.
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-10-09 17:02:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 1 by a hair, not that my vote counts. #2, finish the story and you would have won.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-10-09 16:59:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by rillins (user info) at 2006-10-09 16:47:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-09 16:37:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Both were good but this is an easy decision.
Orgasmatron vs. greening?
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-10-09 16:34:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by justagirl27 (user info) at 2006-10-09 16:29:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by ELG (user info) at 2006-10-09 16:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't know, two's ending didn't make much sense until I reread it and by that time I lost interest.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-10-09 15:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-10-09 15:36:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-09 15:02:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sorry for no comment.
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2006-10-09 14:58:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by PokeyMen (user info) at 2006-10-09 14:52:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-09 14:38:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Both good - I just enjoyed the fatigued superhero touch a bit more.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-10-09 14:10:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-09 14:02:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-10-09 13:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-09 13:57:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#1 was great.
As bad as it sounds, after reading it, I couldn't really get into #2 that much.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-10-09 13:56:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-10-09 13:34:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-10-09 13:28:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-10-09 13:21:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2006-10-09 13:18:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Number two was great. Use of the title was particularly choice.
Nice job.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-10-09 13:15:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-09 12:42:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, #2, that was an interesting way of using the title - at least you had a story in there, so that helped.
Author #1, let me give you some advice:
adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective adjective.
That's not a story, that's what happens when you kidney-punch a thesaurus.
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:49:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:38:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:36:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:30:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Tough call, both were good and creative. But I didn't get the ending to #2. Where does his mom come from and why does she protest his release? Seemed rushed. Or maybe I'm just dumb, that's a real possibility too.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:14:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
it's entries like this that make me glad i got a B in my 7th grade english class.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:10:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:05:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What the fuck is rutilated?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:02:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked #1 a lot. very engaging. quick and easy humor in it. made me think of Circe. is she even in UM? either way.
i thought #2 was a great idea. neat play on the title and i loved the presentation of it. i would only ask to have seen it played out a bit more, it seemed a little rushed after the first bit.
nice to see such diffenert takes on the title.
my vote goes to #1
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-09 10:57:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2006-10-09 10:47:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-10-09 10:22:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I dunno...
Submitted by MrFunions (user info) at 2006-10-09 10:20:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This was tough. I didn't like either of them for different reasons.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-09 09:40:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Both were good...flipping a coin.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-10-09 09:38:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't care, didn't read them.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-10-09 09:29:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked both of these.
Author 1, I really liked the idea of your story and it was executed well.
2, I liked the story and the use of the title. Felt it could have used a little more in the middle.
Coin Toss.
-Dave
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2006-10-09 08:44:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#2 by a whisker. Not a great fan of the style of either.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-10-09 06:47:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I thoroughly enjoyed both of these...
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-10-09 06:37:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tough choice - funny & silly vs hard but compelling...
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2006-10-09 06:36:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Number two was a great character piece, but I felt more like the humour of number one (plus the answer to the crossword puzzle is haddock, and I don't know why I know that).
It's not that two was written badly, though I'm sure someone will have already reviewed with a "THESE BOTH SUCK" review like the 10th one in is always.
Don't listen to whomever it is. These were both great.
Submitted by Hirilnara (user info) at 2006-10-09 05:24:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Two was well written, but it left me thinking "and?" - it just seemed unfinished somehow.
One made me laugh.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-10-09 05:09:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
filename
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2006-10-09 04:22:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-10-09 04:11:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2006-10-09 04:05:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-10-09 03:46:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Psychotic vampire drag queens +2!
Seriously though, #2 was ok, but it didn't keep me as engaged as #1.
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-10-09 03:31:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
call it a reluctant vote for number one. I figured people would up their game in round two, with half of them being on the verge on elimination, but I'm sad to find I've been mistaken. through the first four match-ups, the water torture one is really the only one I've liked...
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-10-09 03:28:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmm...
#1 - This was hysterical. I absolutely loved your ridiculous super-villains. I have nothing bad to say about this piece at all.
#2 - The first two sections were amazing, and I thought this was going to be a real struggle for my vote. However, the final section was just a let down. With the hype of the last two sentances in the 2nd part, I expected so much more. Why couldn't David remember anything? How DID he get the bloody clothes?
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-10-09 03:22:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Both were good, but I just liked #1 better.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-09 03:00:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by eppliks (user info) at 2006-10-09 02:47:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I DONE SHOT MY PA
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-09 02:18:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-10-09 02:09:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Surreal, man.
#1 was good too, I'm just a sucker for the serious.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-09 01:57:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought they were both pretty good. I liked the totally different type of story that number one was. Number two I actually liked better but then I think maybe the author didn't know where to go with it? In the end I went with number one cause it seemed strong throughout.
Both good writers.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-10-09 01:44:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-10-09 01:40:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-09 01:37:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-09 01:34:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
2 was a better story, even if it wasn't written very well. Definitely could use some proof reading and at times it read like a children's story.
1 was just boring and hard to read.
------
I put that down to the narrator sounding childish. I thought it worked very well, myself.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-10-09 01:37:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 wasn't that great. No plot to speak of, really.
But #2 didn't have a soul. It moved much too quickly without reason.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2006-10-09 01:36:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Zaniness for the win!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-09 01:36:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
After reading the first one, I thought I was going to vote for it. But I really liked the feel to #2, even though it should've been longer, less of an outline. Both good entries.
Submitted by LT (user info) at 2006-10-09 01:35:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Both entries good. Entry two better.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-09 01:34:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
2 was a better story, even if it wasn't written very well. Definitely could use some proof reading and at times it read like a children's story.
1 was just boring and hard to read.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-10-09 01:24:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-09 01:23:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is that John Hodgman? I'm not voting yet because I cant read these right now.