Weddings In Jersey, Putting A Garter On Grandma, And Why I Hate Weddings In Jersey (18224 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorLabels: boredatwork
Rating: 1.9 on 70 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Matt Maiorano (View user info) at 2006-10-09 10:36:09 EDT
Last weekend was my very first time ever going to a wedding.
"Matt, are you really that much of a shut-in? You're such a fucking faggot." You're probably saying to yourselves while doing something sweet.
But you're wrong. I'm not a shut-in. I've just never really had the opportunity to ever go to a wedding before. All of my cousins are about my age, give or take a few years, and it was only a matter of time before one of us finally got married. My older brother lives in San Francisco, so it's a little hard for him to meet women. The rest of my older cousins are engaged, so that leaves me, my little brother, and my younger cousins whose combined age equals roughly six or seven.
Even in my inexperience with weddings, though, I knew a few crucial things before I went:
1) It is always acceptable to get completely trashed at the open bar.
2) Don't ask for Schlitz at the open bar.
3) Don't ask for "whatever's free" after the open bar tells you that they don't have Schlitz.
4) Don't rely on Super Troopers for your jokes about wedding etiquette.
5) Get a female family member to sign your card. If you're a man, your handwriting sucks, no matter what you may believe.
6) It doesn't matter what you get the bride and groom for their wedding present. Even if it sucks, they'll tell you how much they love the bath towels you and everybody else got them.
With that knowledge under my belt, I thought I would be just fine. In fact, I was actually right for the most part.
An open bar is fucking awesome. Especially when your cousin is a beer connoisseur and he happens to know about every possible existing beer, and chooses each one he believes is brewed with a heap full of awesome. I've had great beers before. I'm a big fan of Belgian beers myself, but holy shit, I've never known beer could taste like liquor.
Maybe I am a shut-in after all.
Either way, after tasting all the beers and drinking a few too many (five or six...... I'm just a little guy) me and the family started dancing.
Italian weddings are the shit, by the way. I know I don't have much room to talk since I've only been to one wedding in my entire life, but I'm more than certain that my family just kicks obscene amounts of ass. What's cool about Italian weddings is that all the people who are drunk (which is the majority) ends up trying to dance that stupid Cha Cha Slide while wearing a sombrero and spinning an umbrella without puking.
If you can pull it off, everybody hails your drunken multitasking.
Puking means you're an asshole.
But something happened that I had never seen before. Soon after the bride threw her flowers at the small crowd of giggling women, something else landed in front of me. It kinda looked like a scrunchie. Out of curiosity, I figured I would pick it up and see which one of the bridesmaids lost her scrunchie.
She was probably gross. No woman over the age of thirteen wears a scrunchie.
Suddenly, the room exploded around me. People started pushing me, and somebody grabbed my beer out of my hand.
"MATT GOT THE GARTER!!" People started cheering gleefully.
One of my cousins pointed at a little old lady sitting in a chair with her legs crossed. I recognized her as the bride's grandmother. I immediately knew what I had to do.
"Here you go." I said as I handed her the garter and walked away.
"What the hell, Matty!? You've never done this shit before!?" My cousin Mike asked me as he grabbed the back of my neck and headbutted my forehead.
"What the hell do you want me to say? I was polite!" I exclaimed.
Mike started to laugh.
"Nobody picked that thing up for a reason, you stupid shit! You gotta reach up her skirt and put that thing high up around her leg!" He said excitedly.
It would've felt creepy hearing him say it in the way he did if I hadn't felt so nauseous. I swallowed the lump in my throat and waited for it to crash down into my stomach before I turned around to face her.
She must have been at least eighty. The skin on her arms and legs looked as if it was coming off in sheets. She had those blue veins and those milk-white legs that made me immediately think of some sort of really bad seafood dish. Like.... some sort of mutated fish with clear skin that had been left out in a desert sun for a few hours.
She smiled, and curled her finger to try and beckon me to come forward. Everybody thought this was hilarious because the poor thing was too senile to realize that she's at that age where she had nearly broken her own finger trying to do it.
Come to think of it, it WAS pretty funny. I started to laugh, but nearly threw up at the same time, so I figured I should get it over with as quickly as possible and then go somewhere quiet to empty my stomach that had been filled with my shattered soul.
I knelt down and started to slide the garter up.
"Higher!" People chanted.
The garter reached her ankle.... it made its way up her calf.....
"Higher!!" People kept chanting.
Moving up her calf, I felt something horrible and began to shudder. I had either felt up one of her tits, or I had a big piece of really loose skin with a mole on it. Judging by her reaction, I think it was her tit. But the chanting grew louder and I decided to keep going. I was almost there.
It was when I hit her knee that the unthinkable happened:
She slid down her chair towards me in this strange sort of slouching/falling motion.
I'm going to pause here for a moment. In many of my stories, I'm prone to embellishing certain events that occur. Most of the time, I'll flat-out lie about things just to make it a bit more interesting. However, it is at this point in the story where people would naturally begin to doubt the veracity of my claims.
I wish that I could say that I'm doing a bit of storytelling, but I feel that the situation itself is so unbelievable that I can't feasibly expand on any of the events from here on. Sometimes life itself is so unbelievable in itself, you almost wish you could just pass a story like this off as a fairy tale.
For once, I'm not that lucky.
She slid down towards me with my hands still up her dress. When you see a senile old lady begin to fall towards you, you begin to lose focus of the situation you're in. The only thing you can concentrate on is helping this person. I gasped and gave a sympathetic "Oh no" and supported her in the only way I could.
The room went deathly quiet, the only sound being Jet's "Are you Gonna Be My Girl" playing in the background. In my drunken haze, I had realized too late where my fingers were and the dictionary in the back of my head suddenly opened to the only word to describe my plight:
"Beefy"
For the remainder of the night, that word was stuck in my head. Nobody was quite sure what to say to me. On the one hand, I had the bride thanking me for making sure her grandmother didn't fall and break something. On the other, there was a hideous unspoken truth.....
I had fingered the bride's grandmother, and probably made the old bag's entire night.
User Reviews
Submitted by caricature19 (user info) at 2007-01-22 16:47:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
not sure what's worse... the story or the comments...
*hurl*
Submitted by combatwombat (user info) at 2006-11-22 07:48:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think I've ever dry heaved more times in the course of reading anything in my entire life... that was fucking gross... but extremely funny.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-10-28 01:52:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh heh heh now you know the answer to the question "Where's the beef?"
Submitted by CaptJackVane (user info) at 2006-10-27 09:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2006-10-26 01:50:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...you were in jersey? I'M IN JERSEY.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-10-22 17:24:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHA
I need to ask a legitimate question...
Did you lick your fingers afterwards?
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-10-22 00:49:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on B@W!!!
Submitted by JohnnyMac (user info) at 2006-10-20 19:36:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You poor bastard.....
Submitted by KindaLikeJesus (user info) at 2006-10-20 15:51:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-10-19 03:57:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-10-15 23:19:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaa ewwwww
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-14 21:30:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-13 06:19:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Christ...
Submitted by mynameisandy (user info) at 2006-10-12 23:32:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant story, You're a lucky guy!
Submitted by umpirerob (user info) at 2006-10-12 19:04:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funniest thing I've read in months!
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2006-10-12 16:56:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just made the "oh my God, that's a really sour lemon" face.
Ew.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2006-10-12 11:06:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you smell your finger?
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-11 19:56:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W w00t!!!
Submitted by konohasaiyajin (user info) at 2006-10-11 18:41:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beefy.
hilarious story.
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2006-10-11 17:46:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-10-11 06:31:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no no NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-10-11 06:16:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that is definitely a "the devil would feel bad for you" kinda days.
Submitted by bluemami (user info) at 2006-10-11 00:46:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dude im embrassed for you and i think i just threw up in my mouth
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2006-10-10 21:13:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain
Submitted by 0bnoxious (user info) at 2006-10-10 18:06:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on B@W
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2006-10-10 13:09:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my god matt, you'll need shock therapy to get that memory out :O
Submitted by Biotch (user info) at 2006-10-10 11:46:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-10-10 10:56:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My hero.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-10-10 09:51:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The best thing about this post is how you valiantly try to mask how you got off on touching the old girl. "Usually I embellish and shit..". fuck, Matt, so you like old ladies, and want to talk about it. There are websites, mate, this isn't the one.
Submitted by Mike-Mc (user info) at 2006-10-10 09:23:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funni shit
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-10 09:15:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-10-10 09:05:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my fuck this was awesome.
Submitted by LT (user info) at 2006-10-10 06:48:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We've all been there.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-10-10 00:11:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dis-fucking-gusting
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2006-10-10 00:05:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NEVER WASH THAT HAND AGAIN
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-09 23:36:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahahhaha.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-10-09 23:21:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAAHAHAHA
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2006-10-09 23:20:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-09 21:28:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
Submitted by Aeneas (user info) at 2006-10-09 19:04:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh heh.. Good post!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-10-09 18:48:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck new jersey
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-10-09 17:41:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beefy? Beefy? I don't even want to picture that.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-10-09 17:29:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
JulsInsane/CaptainThorns - I asked about this, and the tradition can be different depending on the wedding. Sometimes there is no garter thrown, other times you DO feel up the maid of honor, but usually the guy who catches the garter puts it on the woman who catches the bouquet of flowers.
In this case, I'm pretty sure the bride's grandmother caught the flowers (or they landed on her). I'm not too sure, I wasn't watching.
For all I know, it could very well have been a set-up that went very wrong.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-09 16:06:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Italian weddings ARE the bomb - basically, the more ethnic the family, the better the wedding.
As for the grandma thing, that's total shenanigans, you were set up big time.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2006-10-09 14:44:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always thought that if you caught the garter you had to place it/feel up the maid of honor.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-09 14:44:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, when's the wedding?
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-09 14:42:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
made me want to puke
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-09 14:36:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF?
I have NEVER heard of that tradition of putting the garter on the grandma if you catch it. Every wedding I've been to, you catch it and that's the end of the story.
Entertaining story, though.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2006-10-09 13:36:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Farva's number one!
Farva's number one!
Farva's number one!
Farva's number one!
Farva's number one!
Farva's number one!
Farva's number one!
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-09 13:27:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*shudders*
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-10-09 13:26:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-09 13:16:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ewwwwwwwwww..
ahahahahahahahaha - Matt, scarred for life! You poor thing.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-10-09 13:12:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funnist thing I have read in a long time
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-10-09 13:02:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm thinking she "fell" on purpose. But then, that's what you get for sticking your hand up there in the first place. Remember the old saying "He who lacks the constitution to resist peer pressure is bound to one day find himself wrist-deep in some old lady"
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2006-10-09 13:00:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking grossssssssly entertaining!
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-10-09 12:56:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BEEFY?
funny.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-09 12:52:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What part of Jersey was it?
Shut in.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-10-09 12:41:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
score
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:59:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was fucking hilarious.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:41:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a dork but this was supreme.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:40:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Schlitz. No Schlitz? Blatz. No Blatz? Improvise."
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:39:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Finger-banging old women. It's truly the gift that keeps on giving.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:25:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First off on this: "My older brother lives in San Francisco, so it's a little hard for him to meet women"
All I have to say is ATTN GHEY MENZZZ!!!!!!!!!!
Second, Great post and that might be the most horrible thing I have ever read. It made a tear come to my eye it was so excellent.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:10:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:09:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-09 10:59:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BLARRRRFFF.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-10-09 10:57:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh you poor thing!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
sorry
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2006-10-09 10:55:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:)
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-10-09 10:43:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it bad to laugh at others embarrassment?
I guess I am bad.
-Dave
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-10-09 10:40:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"AND WHAT OF THE HEADBUTT, MATT?" the crowd chanted.