In the event of a necessary plan B, always bring a parachute and expect the worse. *Never go to a plan B unless otherwise told to do so by your superior (836 hits)
Category: Computers & InternetRating: 1.25 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Wardy (View user info) at 2006-10-09 11:40:33 EDT
Last July I was in the process of acquiescing a group of small land masses along the Upper Peninsula of Comoros when I came down with a disease native to the region. I was laid up in a hospital bed for three weeks bleeding from my legs, body and arms. The bleeding was accompanied by severe dizziness, and constant urges to cry out in pain. Despite the doctor's insistence upon the culprits being the local natives, I assured him they had shown me nothing but generous hospitality ever since my arrival.
No, I was sure the culprits of this wicked disease were of my competitors from back home, the Jacobson & Richard Trading Co., who were constantly on my tail trying to find precious outposts like the one I was currently attempting to set up. Richard Jacobson and Jacob Richard were two of the most vile men this side of the Indian Ocean, both of whom had very little respect for the modern day business practices conducted under the umbrella of Athenian ethics or whatever.
As such, I spent most of the days laid up in my hospital bed plotting revenge against my competitors, knowing that at any moment they could take advantage of my vulnerable state and end my existence or worse yet steal my recent acquisitions, of which my superiors would b greatly displeased.
Once I had finished healing, I made way to the properties I had received from the Morinis, who were native to this region, had already been taken over by my competitors, with trading posts set up all along the coast, a wicked reminder of the strong arm of competitive and vile business practice.
Furthermore, Jacobson and Richard Trading Co. had bought the support of the local tribes, and despite my screams of 'HALEW JA JEE WEH!', which in Morini means, 'Sweet God stop shooting your little poison darts at me!', they forced me from the lands. For two weeks I cut through the thick brush of the jungle until I reached the other side of the island. From there I hopped on a small rowboat and set out for the headquarters of my vicious competitors.
When I arrived in London two months later, I realized that the Jacobson and Richard Trading Co. was headquartered in New York, so I bought the next ticket across the Atlantic I could get my hands on. I paid triple the market value for the ticket, and hindsight being like a million times better than the urgency of the situation, I wish I wouldn't have bought that ticket.
The compartments in the Titanic were far from hospitable, especially in the class I was staying in. while it was unfit for a businessman of my stature, I had been put under much strain financially given the swashbuckling nature of my competitor's business practices. That, and Comoroan rowboats are unbelievably expensive given the market demands for them.
Well as you've probably already read in the recent tabloids and such, the Titanic hit something. What it hit, I'm not real sure, but the papers and media outlets seem to be crying 'Iceberg' like that's the likely culprit. I'll tell you this, I was on the ship itself and I didn't see an iceberg. I didn't even feel one hit us. If I were the people in charge of investigating this mess, I'd be looking at none other than the Jacobson & Richard Trading Co. Now call me crazy, because I didn't think they'd find me aboard that wretched ship, but somehow they did. I know because of a conversation I had with a crew member as the ship went down.
Me: HOLY SHIT!! FREE WATER!!!
Crew guy: Umm... sir, that's the ocean. We've hit something and we're going under.
Me: Like hell we are! Quick, grab a bucket!
Crew guy: Hey man, look, the hull is cracked. Even if everyone grabbed a bucket, we still would go down.
Me: Oh yeah? Have you tried?
Crew guy: Well, no... bu—
Me: NAYSAYER!!
Crew guy: Huh? Look, it's impossible... I suggest you just try getting out of here.
Me: How the hell am I going to get anywhere? I can't swim all the way back to London!
Crew guy: Well, actually we're closer to New York, and that's where the current would take you regardless of how hard you swam... but that's not important because you'll freeze to death within ten minutes of jumping into this water anyways...
Me: What?
Crew guy: Yeah, you're fucked.
Me: You wanna do it then? I mean if we're both gonna die... might as well...
Crew guy: ...
Me: No?
Crew guy: I'm sorry... it's just you're not really... and plus that guy over there already asked...
So with the ship going down, I desperately sought for a way to escape and find my competitors and bring them to justice. Ah, I nearly forgot the part of the conversation that shows it wasn't necessarily an iceberg.
Me: So what do you think caused this?
Crew guy: I dunno. I heard somebody scream 'Iceberg', but that's completely ludicrous because a ship of this size has never gone down from hitting an iceberg.
Me: Yes, that does sound preposterous.
Crew guy: Indeed. Well carry on.
Me: En garde!
Crew guy: Huh?
Me: Just making sure you were ready for it. You can never be too ready.
Crew guy: Quite right.
So now not only did I know it couldn't be an iceberg we hit, but also that this particular crew member was not in on the evil plot to kill me. If he was, he surely would have been prepared for a duel. Unless, perhaps, he was one of the chosen few that would take a secret with them to their death. I killed him just to find out. All I could get out of him was some guy with the first initial 'Y', neither of which matches up with my competitors. Unless you count 'J' as sometimes taking the soft 'J' sound like in 'jogging'... wait, no that's not right. Maybe like in other words though that do.
I fashioned a lifeboat out of one I stole while no one was looking and rowed for three months, living off of rain water, semen and any fishes I could catch with my bare hands. New York had changed a lot since I'd been there last. For example, when I had been there last they had only equal rights for white men. Now they still only had equal rights for white men, but they said they also had them for black men as well. Women complained about getting the shaft, which was news to me, but apparently New York women are all lesbians or something I don't know.
Well if there's one thing I learned while running recon missions for the Irish Republic Militia it's that no matter what anyone tells you, the best way to end an argument is talk it out. One Eye'd Moses will be the first to attest to the fallacy in that advice.
Since I was a learned practicioner of old One Eye'd's advice, I walked straight into the headquarters of Jacobson and Richard Trading Co. with two loaded six shooters hanging around my waste, two belts crossed over my shoulders were filled with bullets. I walked straight into the head office and pulled my guns out and pointed them at the man sitting before me. It was Jacob.
Jacob: Good God!
Me: Nice guess, Mr. Richard. But I'm afraid I can't go by that moniker today.
Jacob: We thought you were dead! It's so good to see you!
Me: Wait, are you still thinking I'm God? I mean, I don't think God can die and to say he's—
Jacob: No, of course not! Richard, we thought you had died!
Me: Quite right you had, and despite your best efforts I am still here. Here to exact revenge upon you for your wickedness!
Jacob: Oh my God! No! What have I done?!
Me: You know damn well. You and your partner have followed me throughout the world and sought to put me out of business using vile and reprehensible business practices. All of which include, and I will quote from this official revenge list: extortion, murder, attempted murder, wickedness, kidnapping, thievery, and some other stuff I can't read because the pen ink bled when it got wet.
Jacob: Ooo... I hate when it does that...
Me: Yeah, me too... you'd think I should know this stuff too...
Jacob: Yeah, well I'm really sorry about that. I mean, if it's all true...
Me: So you'll understand that I have to kill you.
Jacob: Of course, of course. And what will you do with my partner?
Me: Kill him too, I suppose.
Jacob: Hmm, that's only fair.
Me: Indeed. You wouldn't happen to know where I could locate him, would you?
Jacob: Look in the mirror lately?
Me: Do I have something in my beard? I hate it when that happens...
Jacob: Well... yes, but that's not my point—
Me: Oh yeah, you're probably one of those people who will go on all day talking to someone while they have something hanging on their bottom lip. What the hell is the matter with you people, would it be so hard to just say 'hey, you have something on your lip', I mean, do you think we'd be embarrassed? I should kill you just for being one of those people.
Jacob: ...
Me: Asshole.
Jacob: Look, Richard, you're my partner. You have been this whole time.
Me: Unlikely, sir. I know I could never have anything to do with the treacherous ways of Jacobson & Richard Trading! En Garde!
And that's how I took over the Jacobson and Richard Trading Co.
If you ever find yourself trapped in a room with an 800 pound gorilla and no way out but to kill it, you're probably already fucked and should just go ahead and submit to it. The first few times will be rough, but after awhile it'll get tired and you'll be able to sneak out and never have to deal with it again.
User Reviews
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2008-02-09 11:26:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
what the fuck are you all looking at?
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-17 08:28:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/54244
You were right. Jaypeg never had a fiancee, and lied about his Grandma's death for attention.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-09 22:33:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think it really works in this context, though.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-10-09 21:12:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
'accepting', i believe, is another definition...
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-09 20:56:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Last July I was in the process of acquiescing a group of small land masses along the Upper Peninsula of Comoros when I came down with a disease native to the region.
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You were going along (without protesting) with a group of small land masses?
Submitted by Arizhel (user info) at 2006-10-09 19:33:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked this. Especially:
"I fashioned a lifeboat out of one I stole while no one was looking"
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-09 17:36:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have I ever claimed to be clever, Brad?
Seriously, I'm trying to find out when I've actually said I was really "clever" or "funny" or anything besides myself.
And I'm still waiting for me beer, cabin-boy.
Submitted by toucan_sam (user info) at 2006-10-09 17:33:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
scratches me where i itch
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-09 17:24:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wait a second! Jay Greening takes a punch without making an utterly predictable comment he thinks is clever!?... oh. Nevermind.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-09 17:00:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait, ETS retaliates without being a bitch and hitting 20 of my posts with -2's?
Who are you, and what have you done with our favorite drug-addled insane whackjob?
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-09 16:48:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-09 15:52:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Brad, remember those are a bit skewed, because most of Wardy's reviews of you are him handing you your ass on your own posts over and over and over again.
BTW, this was funny.
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The only way Wardy is handing ANYONE their own ass is if he gets a job at a liposuction clinic.
Speaking of which, Jay, I can have them send you an informative DVD if you like.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-09 15:55:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto Wardy +2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-09 15:52:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Brad, remember those are a bit skewed, because most of Wardy's reviews of you are him handing you your ass on your own posts over and over and over again.
BTW, this was funny.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-10-09 15:40:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
right, but i rate posts of yours multiple times because your posts are argumentative, that's what you want. those ratings only go to show how you've rated nearly every one of my posts with a negative 2, wereas i have rated you between a 0 and a -1.
are you this stupid? do you understand simple math? is it pointless to argue with someone like you?
i'm quite certain everyone here can see what a fucking moron you are at this point. that's okay, it just adds to the entertainment, i guess.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-09 15:36:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
How vengance has rated other users
wardy (user info) -18 on 11 = -1.64
Sorry, make that 85 times I've rated you.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-09 15:34:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
How electrictoothsyndrome has rated other users
wardy (user info) -111 on 74 = -1.50
How other users have rated electrictoothsyndrome
wardy (user info) -386 on 486 = -0.79
Let's see... you've rated me 486 times, while I've rated you a mere 74 times. Now shut the fuck up and take it like a man, bitch.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-09 15:28:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-10-09 14:08:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
hey ets, last time i checked i -2 the current post based on the fact i disagree with it. you, however, go back and -2 all of my posts. at this point, i think you've gone back and negatively rated all of my posts.
so what is it you were saying again?
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Liar.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-09 15:03:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-09 14:53:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
present company excluded of course, right apollo?
I liked it, in all its craziness, and pictured the main character speaking like in a badly dubbed foreign film..lips moving at all rates of speed and not matching the words.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-10-09 14:35:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahah the reviewers on this are fucking losers.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-10-09 14:15:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i mean, should we count your alters in the rating review process, ets?
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-10-09 14:08:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hey ets, last time i checked i -2 the current post based on the fact i disagree with it. you, however, go back and -2 all of my posts. at this point, i think you've gone back and negatively rated all of my posts.
so what is it you were saying again?
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-09 13:57:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-10-09 13:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-09 12:49:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto ETS relatiatory -2 +2
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-10-09 12:32:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-09 12:07:28 (#)
Ranking: -2
You can do whatever you want to.
Since you like suggestions though, I highly recommend staying the fuck out of my business with Wardy. I also suggest that the time you spend staying the fuck out of my business be spent writing another mediocre poem that strains to rhyme.
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I'm sorry ETS, I feel the need to barge in to your business to say:
HAHAHAHHA!!! that cracked me up.
Also, to wardy, this post wasn't paced well enough. I read it all the way through out of respect and was dissapointed at the end.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-09 12:21:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Orgasmatron, listen...you're good at what you do. Don't let anyone ever tell you different.
Even if it's someone who left this review on a post of yours before he decided he had grievances with you.
You're a wordman...better than a birdman.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-09 12:17:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Chances are the mediocre poems would be the ones straining to rhyme, wouldn't you say?
Hell they should be lucky if they rhyme at all, being all mediocre-like and such.
Regardless, I shall not delay you any longer. Please continue avoiding private means of communication to settle your differences and airing your specific, personal grievance on a public forum for everyone to see.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-09 12:07:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You can do whatever you want to.
Since you like suggestions though, I highly recommend staying the fuck out of my business with Wardy. I also suggest that the time you spend staying the fuck out of my business be spent writing another mediocre poem that strains to rhyme.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-09 12:01:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't a user make a recommendation to another user without getting grief for it?
There's no need for such language. I'm just trying to help him work out a better post for the future.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:59:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
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Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:57:50 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:44:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
do you have a program set up on your computer that goes off whenever i make a post? sure seems like it.
get a life.
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Interesting you should say that. Do I need to post our rating histories to prove that you're the one who always dumps on MY shit?
And Orgazmatron...mind your own fucking business, bitch. This isn't about you. Wardy knows why I'm -2ing this.
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You mean it isn't because ypu don't like the post!?!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:57:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:44:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
do you have a program set up on your computer that goes off whenever i make a post? sure seems like it.
get a life.
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Interesting you should say that. Do I need to post our rating histories to prove that you're the one who always dumps on MY shit?
And Orgazmatron...mind your own fucking business, bitch. This isn't about you. Wardy knows why I'm -2ing this.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:56:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't make it all the way through, but your chat with the crew guy seemed entertaining.
CHERRIO.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:56:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:48:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamn (offset) this post (offset) does not (offset) fucking (offset) suck (offset).
I dunno, wardy, maybe you should post a letter to your congressman next time.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:47:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I actually thought this was ok.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:44:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
do you have a program set up on your computer that goes off whenever i make a post? sure seems like it.
get a life.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:42:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Goddamn this post fucking sucks
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-09 11:42:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
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