Undefeated (121 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jay Peg (View user info) at 2006-10-09 15:47:03 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
The human spirit is a tough thing to break. Trust me on this, I've tried.
But don't get me wrong or anything, I'm a good person on the whole. I've never tried to break anyone *else's* spirit, just my own.
Funny thing, though, even with other people helping to bring me to a breaking point, I've always been too resilient. For some reason, I've always found a way, right when I'm about to snap and succeed in my self-defeating quest, to pull my ass out of the hell I've created and become stronger because of it.
Drugs and alcohol? Shit, man. I once thought those were the answer. I drank myself into a stupor every day, and every night I shot pure energy into my arms. I thought I would finally crash harder than I ever did before. That I would finally hit rock bottom with such force, that I'd finally give up.
Well, that didn't work out as planned. I hit rock bottom. I hit hard. I cost myself everything I had made in my life up to that point, and as I sat against a fence downtown, I could feel my soul slipping away.
And I hated myself. God did I hate myself. I hated the fact that I thought I could give up so easily. I hated that I thought I wasn't worth saving. And somehow, I took myself up by the scruff, and staggered my way back into reality.
Laziness and depression seemed at the time like a great way to do it. The self-repeating cycle. Don't do anything. Feel bad about it. Feel so bad you do less. Feel even worse.
How could I go wrong with that? For good measure, I threw in a few more things that would make me hate myself. I started drinking again so I could beat myself up for falling off the wagon. I went out and picked up streetwalkers so I could loathe myself afterwards. It's amazing how fast you can crash when you stop doing anything worthwhile.
So after a while, I ended up in a cell in city lock-up, busted for solicitation and DUI. I had to call my family to bail me out, and I knew the shame of facing them would destroy me. I would finally be free of myself.
But again, it didn't fucking happen. When I expected my family to disown me, to leave me in my own pity, they supported me. They got me help. And again, I started hating myself for what I tried to do. Why try to break your own spirit? Why try to end your existence, no matter how miserable it may be? Why not work to make it better, with the help that people are willing to give you?
And so I went down that path for a long time. Years, in fact. I found a job I loved. I found a woman I loved. I had a family I adored.
But in the back of my head, I had that nagging little voice. In a sing-song I could always just barely hear that I wasn't good enough to have this. I had done so many bad things that I should never accept the life I was enjoying. For the longest time, I ignored it as best I could. But every once in a while, like a whining puppy, I had to pay attention. And every time I paid attention, I crept further and further back.
Finally, my wife noticed that I was pulling out hefty sums of cash on days I was "working late", put two and two together and threatened to leave me. Take our son, too.
She wants to leave me in the house alone. Leave me with the car payment. The house payment. The credit cards.
Fuck.
I did it again. I fucked everything up. I can't keep anything going for long, good or bad.
This fucking yo-yo life, this god damned motherfucking trampoline existence. Up and down, up and down.
I can't break through this elastic floor, and I can't get high enough to grab a hold of the branches above me.
Fuck it. I've figured it out. I wanted to get to rock bottom, but I never hit it until now. The alcohol? The depression? The hookers and blow?
Shit.
Those were never going to get the job done. You can't tear your spirit apart when you don't care about anything.
You can't lose it all when losing everything means nothing.
Now I see that.
Now I know.
I've lost my family. My wife. My only son.
Now I can lose myself.
Now I can hit rock bottom and end this shitty life.
The human spirit is no longer unbroken.
The soul is undefeated no more.
I just had to realize the paradox of it all. I have to care so much that I just stop caring.
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Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-05 12:33:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2