Twist (520 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Joedaddy (View user info) at 2006-10-10 08:48:24 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
I should have been treated like a goddamn hero, the best of the best and the baddest of the bad because I had just shattered a SERE (Survival/Evasion/Resistance+Escape) exercise by over 3
days.
Only because I had lost so much weight in a very short time from a serious case amoebic dysentery did I allow myself to become discovered. I had made the statement; at least chronologically speaking, that I was second to none and that dying, in the middle of the Darien Gap, would just be a waste of material.
But during dust-off, I was reminded of the fact that the exercise was far from over and that the worst was yet to come.
Shit! I should have known that but I was one sick puppy with a temperature of over a hundred, tired and not thinking too straight.
When you add into the equation the fact that I am a member of the 10th SFG (Special Forces Group) out of Bad Toliz, Germany and have just shit in yard of the 7th SFG at Fort Gulick in the CZ (Canal Zone) it will become quite clear how much grief I have to look forward to in my near future.
It wasn't my idea to drop my ass off here instead of Okinawa or the Philippines with the rest of; "The Herd" but when you're in the army you do what and go where you're ordered, period.
***
It was O-dark hundred when the Huey picked me up. The minute my boot hit the skid I was grabbed by four other soldiers and thrown face down on the deck. A hood was jerked down over my face and two sets of cable ties, or "rat belts" as we use to call them were attached to my wrists and ankles.
Before the hood was placed over my head I had noticed no nametapes or insignias on any of my captors uniforms. I had expected this to an extent but the fact that a couple of the men were of definite Panamanian descent made me more than a little uneasy.
I was taken off the deck and trussed upright by, what felt like, hemp rope slung thru the cargo hooks in the back of the bird and then the beating commenced.
A few questions were asked but I still had the bugles blowing in my ears so I just absorbed the punishment in-between refrains of: Rawhide. It seemed noone liked my singing and when we finally landed back at the fort I think the pilot and his crewman got a few licks in themselves.
Instead of spending time chasing young female Zonians at the Balboa Yacht Club, on their off-days, they had been tasked to find me. Needless to say they were not happy campers.
***
I was grabbed by the feet and dragged from the LZ for what seemed like a quarter mile. The hood was taken off my head and I found myself standing in front of a large shipping container.
They wanted me to see this part.
The doors were opened and an unbelievable stench of piss and shit hit my nostrils followed by a bone-chilling cold air blast. Outside the refrigerated container the temperature was in the low ninety's, with a humidly that would drench your clothes in a matter of minutes even at O-dark hundred. During the day it got even hotter.
Inside sat a simple bench. A 50-gallon drum of water was set up on pallets next to it with a garden hose coiled up against the stand.
Due to the refrigeration unit, attached to the back of the container, the water inside the drum was half frozen.
The bench and surrounding floor was covered in half-frozen shit, piss and God knows what else.
O shit, resistance... It looks like its water board time.
You think you're drowning and in fact, you are.
It was bad but a couple of things kept me going.
I knew it was an exercise and I knew they wouldn't kill me.
But I was soon to learn interpretation can be a bitch and worse things can happen.
Besides the usual bullshit, they really wanted to know how I had evaded them for so long. They accepted the fact that I, and not "they", had put an end to that portion of the exercise.
They would have to kill me for that piece of information.
Being naked and lying down on a piece of plywood covered in your own shit and piss, and that of others, is no cakewalk even when you're young, strong and very well trained.
The cold was the bitch. It provided some numbness to the body blows that accompanied the rest of the mayhem I was receiving but it wasn't worth the trade off.
At some point during the ordeal one of my captor's said: "Alright asshole, you're gonna start losing body parts till you tell us what we want to know!"
A gurgled; "FUCK YOU! And your mama" was my response.
I felt the "rat belts" being cut off my ankles and then a pair of hands grabbed each one of my legs and I could feel them being spread.
"Last change soldier. Talk to me or your balls are history"
I followed with one last: "FUCK YOU!"
A second or two later I felt a jagged edge of something and a great pressure between my legs.
Disoriented as I was I knew this was not good but I was not about to accept the fact that something like this would actually be allowed to happen to anyone.
I'm thinking that we're all on the same side, right?
The next thing I hear through the hood is:
"Pull the hood off and help him up for a second and let him see what his silence has earned him so far"
"Make sure you all got a good grip on her because she just might not like what she sees"
The hood comes off and I find myself looking down at a set off bloody balls literally floating in a frozen sea of piss, shit and water sloshing around on the corrugated floor of the container.
I look between my blood covered legs and...wtf?
Nothing
The only thing visible is half the tip of my once 7" dick*
(*Angry)
"YOU MOTHERFUCKERS CUT MY BALLS OFF!?" is all I managed at first.
It was then I really started screaming but I stopped in mid-obscenity when I realized my voice had jumped at least 4 octaves.
O my God!
It's true.
They're gone.
***
When you take a man's balls, you take everything he has, and everything he's ever gonna have.
***
The bugles had stopped playing in my ears and I was close to sobbing and asking for my mommy but my brain kept looking for some, any, alternate answer.
I thought OK; the service has the best medical and surgical personnel in the world. They can re-attach those suckers back between my legs and it'll be all-good.
But then I thought:
"They're floating with the shit in the piss and the blood on the floor. It's not like they dropped them in a sterilized aluminum pan you fucking idiot!"
I would have broken down right there and then but as I scanned the room for any kind of answer I noticed one of the soldiers still had the K-bar in one of his hands!
When my eyes met his, the knife was thrown across the room into the grasp of another soldier who was guarding the door. In one fluid motion he caught the knife, pushed the plunger on the door, and threw the knife out.
A rat-tail file appeared out of nowhere and the same soldier shoved it in the loop on the door next to the plunger to act as a lock.
The only thing that saved me from "punking out" that day was pure animal rage.
I became a wild man.
Did this sadistic motherfucker think I was going to forgive him, or the others for that matter, for cutting off my balls?
So I went nuts.
I managed to break free, just for an instant, and leaped for the soldier that had been holding the knife.
Unfortunately I slipped on the floor, but I still managed to drive my head into his jaw before everyone jumped back on top of me.
I heard a absolute wonderful crack.
Even with all the yelling inside the box, louder voices outside were making their presence known and the door was opened.
Standing there was the full-bird colonel I had flown over with, the forts CO, and a bunch of other soldiers I didn't recognize.
As they picked me up off the floor my colonel bellowed:
"Goddammit, get my man out of there and warm him up"
"Use your hands if you have too"
And that's when I was dropped to the ground again.
"That's an order!"
And then I was picked up, only to be dropped down in the sand a few yards away, but I didn't care, the hot equatorial sun felt damn good after being in that fucking cooler for I don't know how long.
A large number of hands, gloved and ungloved, were rubbing me my body but stopped when a sheet of hot water cascaded over me.
Two soldiers on KP had brought over the wash water from the chow hall and had thrown it on me.
I had pieces of corn and lettuce stuck to my body and when I was allowed to get up a half a tortilla covered one of my eyes but I didn't give a shit at that moment because I was ready to hunt some people and do some serious damage, balls or no balls.
That's when I looked down.
And there were my balls, right where they were supposed to be.
I even had my full dick back!
Well, I'll tell ya right now, at the sight of my balls I went a little "kookoo" and started dancing around in the sand with my balls cupped in one hand and my other hand jerking my dick yelling:
"I GOT BALLS MOTHERFUCKERS!" and I GOT DICK TOO!
This little show went on for about 5 minutes.
All the soldiers present, even the officers and the man whose jaw I broke were laughing their asses off while they watched this poor, sick and disoriented soldier make a fool of himself.
My only defense is I had been up for 104 hours straight.
That's a lie.
I was happy to have my package back, intact.
Their twist was:
Someone knew that when a male's body temperature drops to a certain level the balls will retract inside to stay warm. The combination of the almost freezing temperature inside the container combined with the almost freezing water forced down my throat dropped my temperature to a dangerous level.
The penis will also shrivel up but will not fully retract as the scrotum sometimes does.
The balls and blood were real and came from a Panamanian morgue with an undisclosed location
My twist was:
Hell, I just left the area where the exercise was supposed to be confined, and hid on the outskirts of town 30 miles from the southern perimeter of the designated area.
I had stashed away a twenty-dollar bill and it bought me more than 2 days worth of Panamanian beer and papa-frietas.
When the money was almost gone I just loaded up on candy bars and bottled water and dee-dee bopped right back into the action.
4 of my days were legit, but do you think I was going to tell them my little secret?
User Reviews
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-06-18 21:53:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oops. I rated this already. I'll find another.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-06-18 21:42:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-06-18 21:40:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i was wondering, what's it like having a professional baseball team come to your town and kick your ass?
nevermind, you can watch an instant replay in about 2 mins
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Aye. We suck. Here:
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-06-18 21:22:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In a stunning turnaround, I suggest the Padres, whom I hate, will win the West.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-05-21 03:53:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-05-11 00:45:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no idea.
I'm just sitting here trying to prove that I'm related to Brandon Webb. That's pathetic enough. Maybe I should go buy some whiskey.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-03-24 19:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2008-03-24 18:52:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+3.
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thanx for digging this up.
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2008-03-24 18:52:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+3.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-10-26 00:19:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-10-25 22:18:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
whoops! o well, i'm here now...
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Hahahaha
what's with the area N and maybe slighly E of your town?
i fly one of SW's milk-runs every 2 weeks or so and always wonder what i'm looking @ "down there" of course, i'm too stupid to ever ask any of the departing passengers
looks really big/rugged/bare and also looks like the off-roaders have been having a ball driving around
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That's our future "Desert Sonoran Preserve," if it's where I'm thinking. Big area. Mostly State Land, with quite a bit of past mining and yes a ton of current off-roading. It's being acquired for the City for preservation. We've got some folks working out there now. I haven't been so lucky. My big job's coming up in January. Get away from the desk and lose my beer gut. Maybe.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-09-21 09:32:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-09-16 22:10:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the better question(s): is this what/all you'll settle for?
_____
I'm doing my damndest to not "settle" for anything. I'll let you know how it goes.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-05 12:29:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2