Paragon (747 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.35 on 75 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UberMadness! (View user info) at 2006-10-10 11:50:18 EDT
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Entry 1
The General took a sip of coffee and surveyed the bank of monitors before him. He stared solemnly, and paused a moment before he spoke."Have they all been contained?"
"Yes, sir. At least as far as we can tell........"
"As far as you can tell?"
"The systems all show green, sir, but if........"
"Dont give me 'buts' and 'ifs', god damn you! ARE THEY CONTAINED?!"
Operation Paragon had been running in the background of the secret military programme for over 15 years. So far, there had never been any fuck ups. Certainly nothing major, anyway. Today was a first, in many ways.
The President knew about the programme, of course. But he only knew about what was "supposed" to be happening. The military veil had once again cloaked the reality for its own higher purpose. After all, they knew best, right?
This whole thing had started as a solution to the overcrowding of prisoners on death row. The idea was for the violent and malevolent power within these individuals to be harnessed and used for good. Well, that was the idea, at least. That somehow, the evil nature of these people could be honed into the paragon of the elite soldier. The ultimate fighting machine.
Of course, there had been problems since the outset. Sure, the killing instinct was there within these degenerate assholes. But the trouble with serial killers is that they always worked to their own patterns. They had their own rituals, their own way of doing things. They wouldn't just kill to order, even if killing was what they wanted. After a few years of trying, the idea of being able to groom these whackos to do as they were told was quickly thrown out of the window. It was never going to work.
To this day, I'm still not sure which braniac's idea it was to attempt what they did. Whoever it was that came up with "The Solution" had to be more screwed up in the mental department than the subjects they were working on. Who the fuck would think that cross-breeding the worst serial killers on the planet with the most dangerous schizophrenics could be a good idea?
The theory was there, of course. Pattern killers would only carry out their motives given the right terms and conditions. Schizophrenics, on the other hand, were completely unpredictable. A mix of the two would give the perfect combination of unadulterated homicide and random chaos.
Top brass had gone with the idea, and commenced testing by introducing the DNA of long term malicious killers into the bio-chemical make-up of the most dangerous weirdos they had in captivity. The short term effects were astounding.
The first results were obtained after just 12 months of testing. Officers working on the project had picked up a group of white kids out in the desert. They had kidnapped a young black woman, driven out to the middle of nowhere, then subjected her to assualt, both physical and sexual. Satellite surveilance had picked up on the 6 hour ordeal, and the right people were informed. Officers from Operation Paragon swept and took the 4 boys back to base. They were perfect test material. The girl was simply shot and buried.
Once back at the operation base, the boy's details were taken down in full, blood samples taken and records updated. Then, they were simply released. The base was miles from anywhere, and the group of kids had left on foot.
"Give them 5 minutes headstart. Let's see what this project can do." The General's orders were clear and direct.
5 minutes passed, and suddenly the base became a hive of activity. Sirens blared, and a steel gate was raised on one side of the compound. 10 of the subjects were released and put on the scent of the departing youths. It didn't take them long.
After the massacre, a clean up team was in place, disposing of what was left of the boy's bodies. Not one of the operations staff had expected quite such a disturbing outcome. The savage subjects had literally ripped the insides out of the defenceless youngsters. No one cared about them though. No one gave a shit. The kids were no-good losers anyway.
Testing continued, and before long, the base was home to over a thousand cross-bred killers. They were all kept in isolation. Attempts at integration had led to more bloodshed. The General had created an army of alienated beings, who had been altered and brainwashed with mayhem and evil.
A few staff were killed in incidents, but these were all down to negligence on their part. Cells not being locked properly, people getting to close, that sort of thing. The desert surrounding the base had become a graveyard for those foolish enough not to pay attention to procedure.
The General had a clear vision of what he was going to do with these evil bastards.
"We no longer have the need for a nuclear weapons programme. No more shall our soldiers have to die out on the front line in combat. If this country of ours has issues that cannot be resolved without war, then this army will deal with them. We can drop units of these individuals into any society we want. They have no fear, no remorse. They will kill or be killed. Gentlemen, I give you 'The Paragon Division'. The ultimate weapon of mass destruction."
But there were limits. There were only so many fellons on death row across the continent. When fresh subjects became scarce, the operation had taken to obtaining other people. People who nobody would notice missing. Vagrants, runaways, prostitutes. They didn't come with the in-built killing instinct, but once crossed with the genes of Paragon soldiers, the outcome was the same. The destructive power of carnage, focussed with a single intent.
Further bases were set up to contain the subjects. The President was no longer party to what was going down, all he knew was that certain biological tests had been carried out on a handful of people who were due to face the chair. He certainly didn't know that close to ten thousand people had been turned into diabolical demons of death.
The secrecy around the whole operation had given the General a swelling sense of confidence. His ideas became more twisted, his vision more despotic. Delusions of grandeur had made him think he was untouchable, god-like. People who disagreed with his way of thinking quickly wound up padding out the holes that were already in the desert. No-one working on the project had any idea just how far the General had taken his new found superiority. At least not until he called a conference one day, for me and a few other top level staff.
"Gentlemen, I trust you're all up to speed on the current status of Paragon? Good, then I'll begin. You all know just exactly what we have here. You all know the potential of what we have created. Today is the dawn of a new era for the military. An era where we, and we alone have all power. No longer will we be dictated to by those in the Oval Office. Today, we see just how powerful Paragon is. I have selected 200 of the baddest bastards we have in containment. These individuals will be freed in the city of New York at precisely fourteen hundred hours. Afterwards, a message will be sent to the White House. A warning, if you will. A warning, that if the President does not hand over control of the country to the military, then more units will be released."
The address was met with a wall of silence. What the fuck are you supposed to say to something like that? A guy to the left of me slowly raised a hand.
"But sir, with all due respect, that's...........terrorism. Isn't it?"
"You catch on fast, son." In one smooth motion, the General drew the gun from his belt, stepped forward and shot the man, execution style, in the forehead. "Now, does anybody else need it made clear?"
Arrangements were made, and a the General's chosen few were rounded up in crates and piled onto several freight trucks. What happened next happened so quickly that I didn't have time to wonder about how it happened. A lot of the staff who were in on the job had strong reservations, and for good reason. This was treason of the highest order. They had joined the army to stop shit like this.
Whether it was intentional, or accidental, I don't know. But someone fucked up. Fucked up big. As the trucks were preparing to leave the compound, several of the crates burst open. Homicidal maniacs leapt down from the trailers and began opening other crates. Within seconds, the lot of them were free. People fired shots, but there were too many of them. Others retreated back to safe areas inside the compound. But the psychos weren't just crazy, they were clever. After all, they were human beneath that mutated exterior. It wasn't long before they had infiltrated the main complex and were letting the whole army free.
Emergency protocol was ordered, and the whole base was locked down. Nothing could get in or out. Hordes of killers were contained in chambers and gassed, many were shot dead, but a few were still on the loose. They had killed many good men, and showed no signs of giving up their new found freedom.
I was running down a corridor, when a wall panel slid open. A hand grabbed me and dragged me inside a room I never knew existed.
"General, what is this place?"
"There's a few of these in the compound. I had them installed in case of an event such as this. From here, I can monitor the entire base and give orders over the PA system." He turned to another individual who was in the room, frantically studying a computer screen. "Now, whats the situation here? Are they contained?"
"Like I said, sir, all signs show that none of them managed to leave, but it's impossible to be 100% certain."
"How in God's name did this happen?"
I couldn't hold on any longer. This was my best chance. I let the smile slowly form in my lips and stared the General straight in the face.
"It happened, because I figured this would be the best way out for me. I sabotaged the crates. Sir."
The rage was clear on the General's face. "What do you mean 'best way out?''"
"All the other Paragon soldiers were due to be wiped out after you had pulled your stunt, right?"
"Other Paragon..... what do you mean......"
I lunged forward and seized him by the throat before he had a chance to go for his gun.
"Should have taken more notice of your own project, General. I was one of the first Paragon ever made. Thanks for that, by the way." I punched his gut so hard my fist came out of his back. As his twitching body slid of my arm, I turned my attention to the guy who had been watching the monitor. He was cowering in the corner.
"Override the lock down. Do it fast, and I'll let you go." The assistant quickly tapped a number of codes into the workstation, and the sirens stopped, indicating the way out was now clear. With that done, I killed him, too. I never was one to keep my promises.
I left the compound feeling as happy as when I used to prey on those women in Chicago. Kidnap, torture, rape, murder. These things made my world go round. I am free. Free again, to reap as I see fit.
I am the Paragon.
And I'm coming home.
- VS -
Entry 2
The drone of the engines was sleep-inducing. Normally. It was the constant rhythm, the low-pitch hum shielded only slightly by the thin fuselage, that drowned out almost all other sounds. But at 23,000 feet, knifing through the inky blackness of a lonely Wednesday night, Greg Watts was never further from sleep than this moment.**********
Caliadne Kolonis was shockingly gorgeous. Her unusually blue eyes were startling and bright, always framed by her cropped hair and impish nose. Her slender neck scooped into her athletic body, toned and thin. Her clothes always seemed to fit in all the right places. Better than being just good looking, everyone loved her.
"Callie," as her American mother called her since birth, was the daughter of a Greek military pilot. He was one of the leading aeronautic theorists when it came to aerial combat tactics with fighter jets, and thus moved the family almost once a year for various military requirements and training ops. It forced Callie to acquire a quick wit and outgoing personality as a kid, something that complimented her dazzling white smile and olive skin, to make quick friends.
It was during college in London that she truly blossomed, excelling at both the 100 and 200 breaststroke for the swim team and standout student within the communications and advertising school. She had all the promise one could hope for.
Greg met Callie on spring break in Spain. He was cruising the narrow allies of Barcelona, trying to find the town's cheapest pint with dinner. Tall, athletic, and charming for an American abroad, he had come with two of his best-friend on a shoe-string budget and a penchant for pretty girls. Greg had seen her from across the bar and when he approached her he was confident and grinning. She was interested in the bold Yank with the tussled brown hair, and after a half-hour conversation, they were in love.
Friends who knew Greg would have said it was out of character to be so brash, but he took a job in the London office of his investment Bank just so he could be close to her and move there only 3 months after that first night. On her graduation day from college, he proposed with the ring his grandfather had given his grandmother, and had in turn been passed down to him.
The date they would be forever tied together was to be one year from that graduation afternoon.
**********
362 days later, Greg was on Paragon Flight 6360 from La Guardia to Athens. Greg liked the idea, the perfect embodiment of his affections for Callie being delivered by an airline with the exact moniker. Serendipity perhaps. It had been almost three weeks since he had last seen her, finishing up details for the wedding with his own family before flying out to hers to have them all joined together.
It happened 274 minutes into the flight. A small capacitor, electrically connected to the landing gear, shorted and discharged involuntarily. It was enough to melt a small perforation in a fuel line and ignite. In turn, the heat from the fire combusted it's way through the wing's structure and quickly destroyed the foil up to the safety cock above the second engine.
Greg was in row 27 and saw the whole event unfold through the window.
**********
When Callie got the phone call Wednesday night, she was pleasantly surprised. Greg sounded far away and muffled by static, like a kid talking through a tin can connected by string. There was quite a bit of commotion in the background, but Greg brushed it off as the in-flight movie. He calmly explained how overwhelmed he was that they were getting married in 3 days, how his life had become infinitely better since he met Callie. He poured his heart into recounting memories of them together and how much he wanted there to be so many more. He wanted kids, lots of them, and they would all grow up and make the two of them proud. He wanted to shake Callie's father's hand when he would tearfully give her away. He wanted to be holding her, right that very minute.
Greg explained that he had to go, but signed off with his traditional "raspberry kiss" sound and a chuckle.
He didn't tell her. He didn't tell her that his flight, crippled and spinning towards the ocean would never make it home. He didn't tell her that they would never get to do any of those things together they had just talked about. He couldn't bring himself to do it.
**********
Callie eased the phone back into its cradle and smiled. She had been feeling slightly ill all week, and had just chalked it up to nerves, but sure enough when she stopped by the doctors office that morning she found out the truth. It had been morning sickness. She didn't tell him because she wanted to see his face. She didn't tell him because he would be there in just a few hours. She didn't tell him either; everything was just too perfect.
Entry 1:
Adamdidit2u
Amontillado
AsshOly
Bellebrown
BLITZKREIG_BOB
bob
Bubba2341
CaptainThorns
Coyote
Cracked_out_cali
EchoBoxing
Exodus
ghola
goferforhire
helbling
Impassive-Digressive
Jack_McCallum
jgreening
JoeyG
justagirl27
kinney69
Magicaddict
MandaPanda
Method
MyNameIsTim
nrduncan
Orgasmatron
ParlorTrick
redskieslookfake
Sacrilicious
Shaun_Rocks
sparkle_pink
SPECIALk
stevie_says
supadupapupa
Susie_Derkins
The_taste_of_Monkeys
36 eligible votes (37 total) *
Entry 2:
august_sobriquet
Axolotl
BadAssJulie
Bizdorph
calbearspolo
coley
Crystle
Davros
DrogoRoch
extacy_red
FunnyAsCancer
GodtheFather
gravitas
Hirilnara
HotWillie
indoninja
intellismartness
jack11058
JMG114
joedaddy
JonnyX
kybernetikum
lechuza
LT
NerfHerder
peckerhead
Pentameter
polyamorousaj
rad1101
sandsoftime
sicosemen
simple_catalyst
St_Jimmy
Targa
v8lover
WingedFoote
30 eligible votes (36 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-13 10:39:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2006-10-13 06:11:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
damn, these were both much better than a lot of the standoffs so far... A shame that one of you has to lose.
I like violence better than love, so sorry 2
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2006-10-13 04:59:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-13 02:40:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Alright.
Entry 1 - My beef with your story was that the program was supposed to cross-breed psychopaths and schizophrenics. It's just simply impossible. I wont get into the dynamics, but it's impossible and it bothered me. Also, I had the vision of those crazy barbarian guys from the Sci-Fi show Firefly in my head, but then the narrator was incongruent with his description of the other Paragon soldiers. Aside from that, the story was excellent. I loved the spin on the title.
Entry 2 - thank you for not killing Callie after describing her the way you did. As soon as I read it, all I could think was, "this bitch is going to die". I hate when people do that, so thank you. The story was mostly believable but I dont think he would have been able to say all that stuff to her while the plane was going down without her figuring out what was going on.
Both good, but entry 1 wins by a long shot.
Submitted by Exodus (user info) at 2006-10-13 00:03:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-10-12 22:42:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-10-12 22:27:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2006-10-12 22:10:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a tough choice for me. Both were well done in their own way.
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2006-10-12 22:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*tear*
Thanks entry 2, you asshole, you made me feel emotion.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-10-12 20:53:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
all day long
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-12 20:38:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2006-10-12 19:51:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was almost swept away by the emotion of number two but was ultimately taken by the depth of story in number one. Both well written.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-10-12 18:27:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 was certainly more badass but I don't see how the creators of the project would let one of the first subjects be regarded as "one of their own" in any way. Realistically, the narrator would've been under lock and key, just like the rest of the sociopaths.
So congrats #2.
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-10-12 16:18:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
woo
Submitted by august_sobriquet (user info) at 2006-10-12 16:15:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
two was short and boring. but at least it wasn't long and boring like one. sorry people.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-10-12 15:34:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Hirilnara (user info) at 2006-10-12 14:42:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed both of these... though I felt 2 had a slight edge
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-12 14:30:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Longer isn't necessarily better.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-12 14:25:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Be honest...did either of you really know what to do with a title like this?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-12 14:25:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 - There was SO much exposition at the start of the story. You didn't even get us to the main character until about halfway through. I understand how you'd want to bring everyone up to speed before getting to the story, but this was just awkward. I will say that you certainly do have a good grasp of your concept.
#2 - There's something here beneath the skipping around and development issues. I don't usually mind hopping around from character to character, place to place, time to time, but I think in this case it didn't work so well. A good human story, though.
Submitted by kinney69 (user info) at 2006-10-12 13:18:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-10-12 13:05:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1 was just too unbelievable.
2 could have spent a bit more time developing the characters. It could have been decent had I been able to care about either of them.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-10-12 12:47:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This one was really, really tough for me. In the end, sentimentality won out.
Sorry author 1, you really did a fantastic job. It's a shame that either one of these has to lose.
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (user info) at 2006-10-12 12:41:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was a tough call for me. Both had nice twists at the end althought I found myself not too interested in either set of characters. I think if the author of 2 had flushed it out a bit more and given a little more character development, it would have definately gotten my vote. But as is, I liked 1's a touch more.
Submitted by helbling (user info) at 2006-10-12 12:37:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This,I have to admit was close - not just with the quality of writing, but also with the scientific no-nos; For entry #1, the pyscosis [I will freely admit I have no idea how to spell that word] that triggers the behaviour of a serial killer is not inheritable by gentic material alone - it's a nuture thing, not nature. The engine malfunction in #2 is ridiculously unlikely, and the idea that he'd be able to sweep the noise of the resulting hysteria under the carpet as a movie, or that the pilot would let the plane crash into the ocean, rather than attempting landing it on water, and have the passengers wait for aid in lifeboats are all also thing that jolted me out of the narrative flow. #1 snicks it by a tiny distance...
...but even with all that said, both get +2s for being hugely enjoyable reads...
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-10-12 12:18:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-12 05:27:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-10-12 05:16:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-10-12 02:39:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I feel like one sort of collapsed under its own weight, trying to do too much and getting mixed up, almost like the subject of the story itself. two solid entries, though...
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-11 23:57:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm a sucker for a well written wistful storyline.
Good job #2
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-10-11 23:42:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by justagirl27 (user info) at 2006-10-11 16:17:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ouch, entry 2 was sad, but i looooved the first one. nice work!
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:26:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
These were both pretty good but I just liked 2 better.
Don't ask me to explain myself. Maybe it was the fist coming out of the guy's back.
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2006-10-11 10:23:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Repeating a word a thousand times does not make it tie into an otherwise random post.
Aside from that, you were both solid entries.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2006-10-11 09:39:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It was close. I didn't really care for either one too much.
1 - too rambling. I would have preferred a shorter version that was more filled out. Too many holes.
2 - Crap. Pure crap. Sorry, but it was. The first half was poorly executed, the second half was ok, but nothing great.
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2006-10-11 09:27:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
2 seemed shorter
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-11 08:14:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Military miliitar milita milit mili mil mi m z zz zzz zzzz zzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzzz. Thanks for another military post, just what we were all hoping for.
Submitted by sandsoftime (user info) at 2006-10-11 08:14:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-10-11 07:36:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#2 well written and couldn't help a little lump in my throat forming, I'm chalking that up to my vitamin tablets getting stuck though. Sniff
Submitted by kybernetikum (user info) at 2006-10-11 07:10:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by LT (user info) at 2006-10-11 06:45:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-11 02:17:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#2 by 23,000 feet.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-10-11 00:05:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sorry but, No comment
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2006-10-11 00:04:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-10 22:49:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i don't like military stories. sorry.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-10-10 22:28:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
this one was a coin flip.
seriously. you guys suck. bad. real bad. so yeah.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-10-10 21:09:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-10-10 19:51:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Has a picture
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2006-10-10 19:33:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-10-10 19:20:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-10 17:48:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-10 17:13:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Time to be a prick again. I'm voting for #1, but I had major issues with both.
#2 spent way too much time describing unnecessary details, and #1 slipped into the style of an adolescent far too often.
Author #1, if you are going to create such a vast conspiracy, it has to be grounded much more in reality to be believable. And the author's voice sounded almost prissy at times. Still you delivered a story, and a good length, so thanks for the effort.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-10-10 17:03:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Entry one didn't seem to bring anything new to the action genre. Every character was a caricature and acted rather two-dimensionally. I liked the idea, but I think it could've been executed better.
Entry two had some superfluous description and could've been a little shorter and more powerful. Still, I liked the emotions and I think that they were conveyed well.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-10-10 16:29:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This was a close one.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-10-10 15:40:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-10 15:17:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-10-10 14:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
entry one had a semi interesting but slightly hackeyed premise.
number two was semi cheesy and had a "safety cock".
number two gets it, but only because it was more well-written than number one
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-10 14:46:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
BOTH of these are junk - what did you use to write these, the 'Whom Killed Him And Why' random word generator?
#2 was sappy, but #1 was rife with all kinds of contextual errors - with a couple or re-writes, it would have been good, but this first draft was yukky.
'Diabolical Demons of Death'? NEGRO. PLEASE.
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2006-10-10 14:36:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
#1 was slightly formulaic, but I couldn't bring myself to make the leap of disbelief that would bring me to vote for #2.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-10-10 14:15:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
nice picture author 2. did the internet run out of good ones?
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-10-10 13:36:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 1.
This was agood, if not very original idea. Your execution was poor. I couldn't believe in your charachter at all.
Entry 2.
I liked the way this started, but the ending felt really rushed. Overall it was a nice concept.
-Dave
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-10-10 13:31:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-10-10 13:24:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus these were both terrible...
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2006-10-10 13:19:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by calbearspolo (user info) at 2006-10-10 13:18:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tough choice.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-10-10 12:56:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by v8lover (user info) at 2006-10-10 12:47:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Close call, they were both good
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-10 12:46:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-10-10 12:44:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"My fist punched right through his back."
Would you please do that to me? I'd really like to stop living after reading that.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-10 12:28:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by GodtheFather (user info) at 2006-10-10 12:19:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-10 12:05:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#1 kicked all sorts of ass, especially with the surprise twist.
#2 was decent, but not as engaging.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-10-10 12:04:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You cant beat a good sci fi yarn
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2006-10-10 12:02:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-10-10 11:53:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Second.