Grueberfest 2006: The Lump (1859 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.79 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JMG114 (View user info) at 2006-10-10 20:35:50 EDT
"Whoa," Carl said, entering the kitchen just as Janice was preparing a midnight snack in the near-darkness, "There's a lump in the bed in the guest bedroom. Is it just a pile of sheets or—"
The blonde Janice put her finger to her lips, which still bore traces of a milk moustache. "Shh!" she whispered, "My Mom and Dad'll hear!"
The 18-year-old girl quietly stepped across the linoleum tile kitchen floor. As her thin, white nightdress caught the faint glow of the waning crescent moon, Carl tried momentarily to spot any hint of what lay under his girlfriend's gown. When she reached him, he instinctively kissed her.
She pulled away long before he was able to give her the kiss he wanted to. She smelled like graham crackers and Carl instantly became hungry.
"What's wrong?" she asked, glancing at the kitchen entrance.
"Well, the guest bedroom you set me up in, there's a lump in the bed."
"I told you not to use the bed. I put blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor for you. Do you have any idea how much trouble we'll be in if my Mom or Dad—"
"I know!"
"Shh!" Janice warned again, looking over her shoulder.
"I know!" Carl repeated, quieter. "It's just freaking me out. There's a lump in the bed and I think it moved. It also made a weird noise. Can I sleep in your room?"
"No!"
"Even on the floor! I don't care! It's just really freaky. I went to touch it but I think it moved and made some weird noise. It was dark in there so I couldn't really—"
"You can't sleep in my room! Do you know what my Mom and Dad would do to you if they found out?"
Carl narrowed his eyes and glanced down, hoping for a look at Janice's breasts as she stood close to him. He asked, "Do you have any idea what it could be? Do you have like, a cat or something?"
"No!" Janice hissed, "Just use the blankets I gave you! They're down comforters, so they should be really—"
"Did you know that there's a lump on the bed in the guest room before I just told you? I mean, what's under it?"
"Probably just some sheets or something. I don't know."
"That's what I thought, but sheets don't moan or move by themselves."
Janice rolled her eyes and groaned. "Carl, just go back upstairs, okay? We'll check it out in the morning."
"Did anyone ever die in that room?"
"I—what?"
"Did anyone die in that room? It sounded like someone moaning. Someone dead."
Janice shook her head and walked past her boyfriend, who always irritatingly wore the same matching red and green flannel pajamas. Was it Christmas, for crying out loud?
"Just go to sleep," she said.
Carl turned and caught up to her. He took her hand and began pulling her upstairs. "Come on. You have to see this."
"No!" Janice whispered sharply, "Do you have any idea what will happen if—"
"Just shut up and come with me. If it's nothing, then you can yell at me or do whatever you want. I just need you to check this out with me."
They had reached the door to the guest bedroom. Janice asked, "Why is the door closed?"
"I closed it in case whatever was in there decided to follow me out. We'd hear the door open and have enough time to run away or something."
Janice raised her eyebrows and opened her mouth. "You're such a freak!" she said, "Here!"
She turned the brass knob and opened the wooden door to the guest room. A draft of warm air hit them. The room was dark. Janice blinked twice and turned to Carl.
"See? It's nothing. Now—"
"Uuuuuunnng," said something softly underneath the sheets of the bed in the darkened room.
Carl and Janice froze, twin shivers running down their spines. They didn't move again for several moments. They heard the sound of something fidgeting under the sheets.
"My great-grandmother," Janice began after what seemed like hours.
"What?" Carl whispered back.
Short, sharp breaths punctuated Janice's reply, "My . . .g-great-grandmother died . . .in this room. My . . .great-grandfather b-built this . . .house and it's been in my mother's family . . .since way back then. My . . .m-mom t-told me that my great-grandmother—"
"Ooooooomm?" the sheets shifted again. Carl and Janice's eyes had adjusted to the darkness. They saw movement on the bed. Whatever it was moved slowly, as if greatly labored or in pain.
"L-Let's get out of here," Carl suggested.
Janice didn't move. She stared at the lump and, to Carl's disbelief, took a step towards it.
"Janice, no!" he whispered just as the being on the bed emitted a soft, "Haaaw, haaaaw, hoooo . . ."
She took another step.
Carl glanced behind himself, into the upstairs hallway. He imagined the beast on the bed summoning an entire legion of demons from the darkness to tear him and his girlfriend apart. He swallowed hard, had a fleeting hope that if he saved her, she'd give him head, and stepped towards Janice.
The lump on the bed swung back and forth slowly. Janice was close enough to see that it was about the size of a moderately obese old lady. She stopped walking when she stood aside the bed. She stared down at the lump and didn't move.
Carl stepped alongside her a moment later, his final footstep causing the old floor to creak. The lump, which had been moving slowly up until that point, stopped. Something smelled awful.
The ringing sound of silence invaded Carl and Janice's ears. He looked up at her. She caught his eye and nodded. He slowly reached for the sheet and curled his fingers around it. He looked at her once more. She nodded again.
He ripped the sheet away to expose something brown, tangled, and glistening. He screamed and wet himself.
It was Janice's parents. They were naked, smothered in caramel, and obviously had something very special planned.
User Reviews
Submitted by Draqus (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:07:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Laughed my ass off. Actually. The ambulance has already been called.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-11 13:46:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1.5, it was funny, a good twist. lines like "had a fleeting hope that if he saved her, she'd give him head" were great.
but i prefer scary to funny.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-11 13:46:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-11 13:20:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-11 12:12:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-11 12:12:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
HA- Nice twist at the end. Who says G-Fest can't be funny?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-11 12:08:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautifully ridiculous. I loved it. I appreciate how you're bringing something different to these stories...suspense AND humor. Good on ya.
Totally one of the better last lines to a story that I've read lately.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-10-11 11:29:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BAHAHAHAHA! Hook line and sinker, good show.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-11 09:05:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MMMMMM bobbing for caramel clams!
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-10-11 00:32:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great build up and everything. Then the nasty image in my mind.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-10-11 00:27:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1.5.
If it were a little scarier up until the ending, the ending probably would be funnier.
Also, the line about getting head foreshadows the comedic twist at the end, making it less suprising.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-11 00:27:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-10-11 00:24:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DuiTicket (user info) at 2006-10-10 22:17:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-10-10 22:15:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amazing
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-10 21:40:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
EEeeewwwww!!
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2006-10-10 21:40:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
something verrrry special
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-10-10 21:36:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking nice!
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-10-10 21:00:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahahaha!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-10 20:47:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now THAT shit is scary.