Once There Were Faggots (1005 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Perversion
Rating: 0.91 on 51 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2006-10-11 14:05:16 EDT
The boys sat in a semi-circle around the campfire, their faces painted in orange and black. The night air was clear and cool under the stars, but the fire warmed them. Redwoods towered over them, and frogs and crickets filled the air with music.
They had just finished dinner, wieners and beans and bread toasted over the fire, and had done their chores, washing up at the creek just over the ridge and collecting more wood for the fire.
Their pack leader, Mr. Hastie, was checking their tents and bags to make sure they were set for the night.
"Are you scared?"
Tim looked at his little brother. Darren was only six. Tim was three years older, and quite sure of himself. He'd camped out with the cub scouts before.
"Sure it's safe, D. We'll tell spooky stories and roast marshmallows. It'll be fun. Tomorrow we'll go on a nature walk and see all kinds of neat stuff we'd never see in San Francisco."
"Yeah, squirt," Barry said. Barry was Tim's best friend, and he helped look out for Darren. "And it's only Friday night. We get to do this all over again tomorrow night before we go home Sunday. This is great!"
"What about ghosts?" That was Nicky. He was seven, small and pale.
"Yeah. Goats," Harry said. Harry was sitting close to his twin brother Hank. The twins were six years old.
Barry snickered. "Goats!"
"Did somebody says ghosts?"
Mt. Hastie came out of the darkness and sat on a flat rock by the fire. He popped the top on a can of Coke and looked at the six boys in his troop.
"Good work on the tents, boys. Very good. When they are zipped up nice and tight they will keep out the bugs and raccoons and... ALMOST everything else."
"Almost..." Harry said.
Hank said, "Everything?"
"Well," Mr. Hastie replied, looking concerned. "I don't know if a sealed tent can keep out a ghost."
The eyes of the younger boys widened as they nervously looked around the campsite.
Barry and Tim tried not to laugh out loud. They had been through all of this before.
"Yes," Mr. Hastie said. "Ghosts. In fact, this very spot is supposed to be haunted by someone who died near here many years ago. A man who was beaten to death. And now his ghost wanders these dark woods, seeking revenge. This scary spirit is called... Bonerbreath!"
Barry snorted and covered his face with his hands. Tim bit his lip to fight back a burst of laughter.
"Ooooohhhhh," Mr. Hastie said. "Yeeeessssss! There once was a young man who liked other young men. In fact, he LOVED other young men."
Harry and Hank looked at each other and made identical disgusted faces.
Darren raised a hand and spoke softly. "Was Bonerbreath a faggot, Mr. Hastie?"
The pack leader clapped his hands together. "Exactly right! Well done, Darren! Yes, Bonerbreath was once a faggot. He lurked on the farthest edges of civilization, lurking in the shadows, and trying to... suck wieners!"
The little boys gasped and looked horrified. Tim punched Barry in the arm and they both laughed softly.
"And not only that... but whenever he got the chance, Bonerbreath would ATTACK boys and stick his wiener right up their bums!"
Nicky squeezed his eyes shut and covered his ears. "NO!"
"Oh yes, young Nicholas," Mr. Hastie said with a somber nod. "So the Republicans, remember how we have talked about these rich old evil men who once ruled America, they all banded together and hunted down all the faggots like Bonerbreath, trying to kill them off, one by one."
"Wow," Harry said.
Hank scratched his head. "So, weren't the Re-pelicans just as bad as the faggots?"
Mr. Hastie smiled and reached over to tousle Hank's hair. "Exactly, but the world is full of many different kinds of evil."
A knot in the fire popped and spat sparks, and all the boys jumped, even Tim and Barry.
"So you see, that's why we have to be careful in the woods," Mr. Hastie said. "Because the unfortunate cocksucking faggot who was killed by the Republicans walks these woods in spirit form, and late at night when the air is still and cold, you can almost hear tortured breathing and smell old boners that were tasted by Bonerbreath."
The smaller boys were silent, filled with horror.
When Mr. Hastie asked if anyone wanted to roast marshmallow, the younger boys shook their heads. They just wanted the safety of their tents.
Later that night, when all the boys were asleep, Darren opened his eyes. He was awakened by the sound of his sleeping bag being unzipped.
He was lying on his stomach, and something was on top of him.
"What's... happening..." Darren gasped.
"Oh, everything is just fine, young lad."
It was Mr. Hastie. Darren could feel Mr. Hastie's big cold fingers on his butt crack.
"What are you doing?" Darren asked.
"Just a little bum-bum love," Mr. Hastie said.
He grunted.
Darren suddenly felt like the biggest turd in the universe was going up and into his a-hole instead of down and out.
"But I though faggots were bad!"
"Oh-ho-ho-ho," Mr. Hastie said, his voice rolling with jocularity. "Yes, my boy, faggots WERE bad, but there is nothing wrong with homosexuals, and now that the Democrats run America, they have learned to accept and embrace and integrate instead of criticizing and -UGH!- ostracizing and destroying. So there are no more attacks from poor, suffering, pathetic faggots, but plenty of -NURGH!- freely expressed love from happy and prosperous homosexuals."
Darren turned his head to the sleeping bag next to his. His older brother Tim was watching him, smiling.
"You'll get used to it, squirt," Tim said, before rolling over and going back to sleep.
"Please, Mr. Hastie," Darren cried.
Mr. Hastie sucked in a deep breath.
"GHUUUHHH!"
User Reviews
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-01-06 06:48:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
$20 says thats a picture of you.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-01-06 04:32:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-01-06 04:25:34 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-10-11 15:07:20 (#)
Ranking: -2
Moderately well written junk.
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didn't read it
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-01-06 04:25:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-10-11 15:07:20 (#)
Ranking: -2
Moderately well written junk.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2007-01-06 00:36:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I wanna say it's funny, but I don't know what you were trying to say. I might disagree, but I might join in a laugh.
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-06 00:12:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
too funny
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-10-23 02:34:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
kicker of all ass? yes
pricker of all ass? well, there's a bit of that, too...
Submitted by Still-Life (user info) at 2006-10-12 16:02:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hank scratched his head. "So, weren't the Re-pelicans just as bad as the faggots?"
------------------------------
Gold.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-12 15:44:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-10-12 15:34:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good lord, it's posts like this that actually make me wonder if I/we should quit encouraging you.
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Hahaha! That comment made my day.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-10-12 15:34:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good lord, it's posts like this that actually make me wonder if I/we should quit encouraging you.
Not that you care or need any. Pervert.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-12 08:23:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Darren suddenly felt like the biggest turd in the universe was going up and into his a-hole instead of down and out."
============================
Bwaaaaahahahahahahaha
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-12 00:08:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I took the time to leave longer reviews on your posts.
Your posts are of the few that I actually read before ranking.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-11 22:38:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Good work on the tents, boys. Very good. When they are zipped up nice and tight they will keep out the bugs and raccoons and... ALMOST everything else."
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heh heh heh
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-11 21:51:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-10-11 19:54:09 (#)
Ranking: 1
I love these autobiographical titbits.
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I didn't think it was THAT obvious...
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-10-11 19:54:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I love these autobiographical titbits.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-11 19:38:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The new generation has a serious phobia about pedophiles. Why is that?
You all take it so personally. In the pooper.
:-D
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-11 19:05:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jack - I think the thing with you is that people forget that posts here are usually rated by writing quality rather than topic.
You're usually rated on people's personal reaction to the topic. I think that's in and of itself quite a compliment.
So yeah, I'm rating the quality if writing, not the topic!
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Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:29:47 (#)
Ranking: 0
Dammit Jack I always feel guilty when I give you a bad rating. I just didn't like this one, sorry.
Submitted by DuiTicket (user info) at 2006-10-11 17:48:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-11 16:40:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the imagery in this post was fantastic!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-11 16:23:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-11 15:01:02 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:50:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
WHERE'S REDEMPTION ROAD ASSHOLE?!?!??!?
--
Redeption Road is under construction.
If you would pay attention to the signs you'd see that there is a detour through Ubermadness...
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fuck that shit, multitask.
:p
please?
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2006-10-11 16:19:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-10-11 15:48:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wish I'd posted mine before this....my title may give people the wrong idea. This did make me laugh.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-11 15:20:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Man, there are a lot of uptight people on this site.
Just goes to show that if you can't laugh at predatory ass-bandits forcing themselves on little boys, you can't laugh at anything.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-10-11 15:07:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Moderately well written junk.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-11 15:07:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
How do you say 'Bonerbreath' in Quebecois?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-11 15:01:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:50:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
WHERE'S REDEMPTION ROAD ASSHOLE?!?!??!?
--
Redeption Road is under construction.
If you would pay attention to the signs you'd see that there is a detour through Ubermadness...
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:50:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:34:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:28:51 (#)
Ranking: -2
gay != pedophile.
--
By George, she's got it!
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despite being about pedophile assraping faggots this has NOTHING to do with method.
WHERE'S REDEMPTION ROAD ASSHOLE?!?!??!?
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:39:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Humor is not your specialty.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:36:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anything poking fun at the libs gets a +2 from me
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:34:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:28:51 (#)
Ranking: -2
gay != pedophile.
--
By George, she's got it!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:32:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:29:47 (#)
Ranking: 0
Dammit Jack I always feel guilty when I give you a bad rating. I just didn't like this one, sorry.
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Oh I'm just playing around, silly. NO hard felings.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:30:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:29:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dammit Jack I always feel guilty when I give you a bad rating. I just didn't like this one, sorry.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:28:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
gay != pedophile.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:24:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was kind of juvenille and very homophobic.
I liked it.
-Dave
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:24:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<smirk> "Re-pelicans"
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:24:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"GHUUUHHH!"
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:22:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHAHA!
Sorry. Just reading some of the negative reviews.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:19:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Deliberately unfunny?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:19:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, what's Jeanneee's deal?
Is she a fag-hag Dem?
Damn.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:19:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:18:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry, SB, I had to read this...and it was glorious. Well done, Mr. Hastie.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:18:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Normally I enjoy your offerings.
This was not only deliberately inflammatory, it was not up to your usual polished style.
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:18:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, THAT'S how you trick them...
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:18:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:15:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHA
My kid is in scouts. Last week at thier meeting, they had some guys from a local chemical company put on a demonstration with liquid nitrogen. Their first topic was safety, and how to handle the liquid nitrogen. They did this by dropping a raw hot dog into the substance and then smashing it.
"Now, you don't want to put your fingers into the nitrogen, do you?" the guy asked.
"No, but you put your weiner into it!" one of the kids piped up.
I guess you had to be there.
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HAHAHA!!!
That's funnier than my fucking post!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:15:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHA
My kid is in scouts. Last week at thier meeting, they had some guys from a local chemical company put on a demonstration with liquid nitrogen. Their first topic was safety, and how to handle the liquid nitrogen. They did this by dropping a raw hot dog into the substance and then smashing it.
"Now, you don't want to put your fingers into the nitrogen, do you?" the guy asked.
"No, but you put your weiner into it!" one of the kids piped up.
I guess you had to be there.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:15:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think I should label this as 'Prophetic Realism.'
It's a whole new genre, baby.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:13:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Original Submissions
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Submitted by Doug Ivie <consuelo212.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-02-11 03:28:49
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Everything you ever wanted to know about consuelo212
User id: 16293
Registered on or around: 2005-02-10 00:16:38
# Messages posted: 3
# Reviews written: 205
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 88
# Hits: 2480
Average rating of all messages: -0.25
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Billy, Doug, and now Consuelo?
This individual has issues...
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:09:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you don't like it, it's Davros' fault for seconding the recommendation to post it.
If you like it, I'm the one to blame.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:09:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
bitchin
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:08:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I've seen better.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:08:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was expecting the latest installation of the UberDirectory.
Now, i'll read it.