Uber users at the Pearly Gates- Volume 1 (1029 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: pearly_gates
Rating: 1.35 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by awesomeface (View user info) at 2006-10-11 17:09:14 EDT
In a surprise attack this morning, terrorist attacked the ubersite server and sucessfully esploded it. This caused a chain reaction destroying all computers that ever went on uber in a fiery explosion. Everyone that is on uber or ever has been on uber has died. Now everyone is lined up at the Pearly Gates speaking to St. Peter awaiting entry. St. Peter had in front of him a desk with some papers and two ropes beside him. One red and the other gold. The red rope opened the trap door to hell and the gold opened the gates to heaven.
__________________________________
"Next" Sighed St. Peter as Axolotl nervously approached his judgement.
"Hello sir." Said the young and former aspiring young man.
"Well let's take a look here. Good grades, nice stories, and quite the sense of humor. You have repented and admitted to all of your sins except for one. Care to explain?"
"Uhh.....well..." Axolotl began to explain. "It's not easy to step into the political world and I was desperate."
"Desperate enough to make consensual love to your congressmen?"
"Once or twice."
"And why?"
"I wanted to be a politician."
"Aww hell...aspirations to work for the United States Government is automatic entry. Why didn't you say so?"
"I didn't know."
"Well say hello to your new home." St. Peter tugged the red rope ultimately throwing Axolotl into the pits of hell. "I didn't say heaven did I? Fuck I love my job."
NEXT!
"Ahhh Jeanneee, good to see you, was the death painful?"
"Not really. Quite pleasent actually."
"Good to hear. Well you have an impressive record here. A little whoring off here and there, some family trouble but nothing too inexcuseable."
"Score! I'm going to heaven!"
"Wait what the fuck?" St. Peter snapped while staring at a piece of paper. "You made out with Oathmeal?"
"Yeah, Bret is a really cool guy."
"Hah!...go to hell." St. Peter tugged the red rope and Jeanneee fell into the underworld.
NEXT
"Oh fuck...Method...you too?"
"Yup."
"Well let me look at your record. Fat...greek...lazy...likes Electro...greek...fat...sorry Meth but it doesn't look good for you."
"Aww fuck!"
"Wait...receiving naked pictures via e-mail and posting them on ubersite.com unwillingly. Hah! That's funny, welcome aboard." St. Peter tugged the golden rope and Method pranced on to heaven.
NEXT
Foolproof approached St. Peter toting an M16 and his uniform. He pressed the barrel against St. Peter's neck and mumbled.
"Let me in." Pete immediatly tugged the golden rope.
NEXT
"Oathmeal, Under." Peter called as Bret stepped forward.
"Hello sir."
"Oh well, this folder here says your gay and we have a zero tolerance for that here in heaven." Oathmeal pondered for awhile and decided that he should bitch to get alot of attention on the matter hoping to get into heaven. Before he could open his mouth Pete tugged the red rope.
NEXT
"JonnyX, man....nice tits..." Peter stared on Jonny's horendously large bosom."
"Yeah so am I in or what?" JonnyX said in a deep manly voice.
"Whoa...cross dressing...automatic disqualification." Peter put his hand around the red rope but JonnyX interrupted.
"Wait! Check my record at seaworld." Pete put on a pair of virtual reality glasses that let him view Jonny's last trip to sea world. Pete began to laugh hysterically and eventually dropped the glasses.
"Oh my god that was funny, right in the face, come on in." Pete tugged the golden rope and JonnyX took off his woman suit revealing he was a man.
NEXT
Kaelic stepped forward and before he could even say a word St. Peter let out a laugh.
"Ahahahah volunteering at an animal shelter, what a pussy." Pete tugged the red rope and Kaelic was instantly mauled by cute puppies in hell.
NEXT
"LSD420, man i hate picture post. Rejected." St. Pete tugged the red rope but LSD did not fall. "What the hell? Why aren't you falling?"
"I'm high man...want some?" LSD past a joint to St. Peter and they had a few good laughs. St. Peter then had the munchies and flipped his sign to out to lunch. While waiting for St. Peter to get back LSD smoked a whole bowl and used the power of drugs to fly over the pearly gates.
NEXT
"Awesome Face...i'm starting to see a trend here. Did all of ubersite die?"
"Yeah I think so." Awesome Face took a swig from a beer.
"Where did you get that from?"
"It was in my hand when I died."
"But you died at 8:00 in the morning, you were already drinking?"
"Yup." He took another swig.
"You've got a problem bro."
"Yeah I know. Am I in?"
"Well lets see...attempts to have sex with 47 year old, attended special education english in order to pass senior year, made love to and murdered a woman with no arms and legs, and waging war against the United States Postal Service. Impressive record young one, but all very unethical acts. Any reason why I should let you in?"
"I can take this entire beer down in three seconds."
"Bullshit."
"Nope, watch." Awesome opened his throat muscles that were often used for...drinking...that's right...drinking. The brew slid down his throat in the promised time.
"Nice job little man, welcome aboard." He tugged the golden rope and Awesome Face passed out after taking five steps into the gates.
NEXT
"Alright...electrictoothsyndrome." ETS stepped forward and looked at the Saint with determined eyes.
"Surely I must be allowed in for letting the world know of the evil conspiracies of the US government."
"ETS, bro...seriously...think about it for a sec...that's alot of people they would have to keep quiet."
"But Bush..." ETS rambled on and on about his argument.
"Yeah whatever I don't want to hear about bushy beavers...go to hell." Pete tugged the red rope dropping ETS into hell. Peter stuck his head down the hole to yell one last message to ETS. "Oh yeah! By the way! It WAS an inside job!"
_______________________________________
to be continued...
User Reviews
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-12 20:21:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ROIDS MAKE MUSCLE.
FACE STRONG, FACE WANT TO EAT!!!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-12 17:47:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info) at 2006-10-12 13:01:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-11 18:04:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU SON OF A BITCH WHY DID I GO TO HELL? THAT'S IT I'M PISSED. I'LL BE BACK IN 20 MINUTES AFTER I FINISH -2BOMBING YOUR WHOLE FUCKING ACCOUNT YOU GODDAMNED ASSHOLE. NO, WAIT. FUCK THAT. I'M PUTTING YOU IN A RAP. THEN, I'M GOING TO -2BOMB YOUR WHOLE FUCKING ACCOUNT YOU GODDAMNED ASSHOLE. HAHAHAHA!! DID EVERYONE SEE ME JUST SAY THAT? HUH? WAIT ... HAVE YOU SEEN MY BICEPS? THEY'RE HUGE. AND I HAVE RED HAIR TOO, AND I CAN BENCH PRESS A TRAILER HOME. OH AND BY THE WAY DID YOU KNOW I'M FUNNY? OH YOU DIDN'T? WELL THEN FUCKIN -2DIE'S FOR LIFE FOR YOU, DICKHEAD. YOU ALL SUCK!! HAHAHAHA I WORK FOR A TRAINING COMPANY TOO, MAKING LOTS OF MONEY. DID YOU KNOW THAT? PROBABLY NOT. JESUS H. CHRIST I RUN SHIT. YOU SHOULD SEE ME AFTER A LONG WORK OUT HOLY SHIT I AM RIPPED.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Next thing he'll say is, "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!!". Let this be a lesson to all of us about the use of steroids.
------
ROIDS ARE BAD, KIDDEES
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-12 15:27:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't wait to do electro
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-12 14:43:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-12 14:41:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2006-10-12 14:39:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
I expect to go to heaven mr. awesome. I'll make sure to bring beer and porn ;)
-
AUTO IN!!!!
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2006-10-12 14:39:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I expect to go to heaven mr. awesome. I'll make sure to bring beer and porn ;)
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-12 14:24:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-12 12:30:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
just don't have me blowing st peter to get in.
please.
-
*twidles fingers together in evil manner
Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info) at 2006-10-12 13:01:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-11 18:04:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU SON OF A BITCH WHY DID I GO TO HELL? THAT'S IT I'M PISSED. I'LL BE BACK IN 20 MINUTES AFTER I FINISH -2BOMBING YOUR WHOLE FUCKING ACCOUNT YOU GODDAMNED ASSHOLE. NO, WAIT. FUCK THAT. I'M PUTTING YOU IN A RAP. THEN, I'M GOING TO -2BOMB YOUR WHOLE FUCKING ACCOUNT YOU GODDAMNED ASSHOLE. HAHAHAHA!! DID EVERYONE SEE ME JUST SAY THAT? HUH? WAIT ... HAVE YOU SEEN MY BICEPS? THEY'RE HUGE. AND I HAVE RED HAIR TOO, AND I CAN BENCH PRESS A TRAILER HOME. OH AND BY THE WAY DID YOU KNOW I'M FUNNY? OH YOU DIDN'T? WELL THEN FUCKIN -2DIE'S FOR LIFE FOR YOU, DICKHEAD. YOU ALL SUCK!! HAHAHAHA I WORK FOR A TRAINING COMPANY TOO, MAKING LOTS OF MONEY. DID YOU KNOW THAT? PROBABLY NOT. JESUS H. CHRIST I RUN SHIT. YOU SHOULD SEE ME AFTER A LONG WORK OUT HOLY SHIT I AM RIPPED.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Next thing he'll say is, "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!!". Let this be a lesson to all of us about the use of steroids.
High five for the post.
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-10-12 13:00:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rillins (user info) at 2006-10-11 17:26:16 (#)
Ranking: -2
Pan handling for points. bah.
--------------
I normally don't condone this behavior but in this case it was original and funny.
+deuce.
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-10-12 12:45:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to see McBain in the next installment. Can he bring his Camaro?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-12 12:44:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
May as well blow him, since you'd have made the oral rounds all over Creation below.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-12 12:30:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
just don't have me blowing st peter to get in.
please.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-12 12:17:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-10-11 19:01:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-11 18:19:39 (#)
Ranking: 1
"You made out with Oathmeal?"
"Yeah, Bret is a really cool guy."
================================================
Oh, Jeanne. Standards dear.
_________________
You better check your tone.
=================================================
Checked it. I was right on the first time around.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-10-12 09:04:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Killing Ubers always gets you a +2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-12 08:52:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now THIS was funny shit.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-10-12 05:51:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
oh jesus another name-drop post
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-10-12 05:28:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Name drop auto +2.
But, how the Hell did I get to...oh, nevermind.
I threatened a saint. Rock on.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2006-10-12 05:15:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I were one of the cool kids.
No I don't
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-11 23:16:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-10-11 23:13:30 (#)
Ranking: -2
Needs more Sphagnum.
-
you were next, and you WERE going to hell, now you must suffer in heaven.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-10-11 23:13:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Needs more Sphagnum.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-10-11 22:26:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-10-11 22:11:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH BOY! INSULT ME TOO!!!one1!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-10-11 21:40:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This +2 is in hopes that I'm in the next entry.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-10-11 21:22:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh shit.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-10-11 21:01:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Oh yeah! By the way! It WAS an inside job!"
=========
Fuck man that's dirty as hell.
And while I don't mind being left out, it would be nice to get some recognition every once in a while ;)
Submitted by DuiTicket (user info) at 2006-10-11 20:43:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2006-10-11 20:19:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
meh.
Submitted by kybernetikum (user info) at 2006-10-11 20:13:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Mentions a stalker (JonnyX)
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-11 20:11:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2006-10-11 20:09:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Better the rule in hell than serve in heaven.
___
BTW I do think it is cool you help out in animal shelters, done it myself a few times
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2006-10-11 20:09:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Better the rule in hell than serve in heaven.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-11 20:02:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-11 17:38:30 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-11 17:14:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF WHY AM I NOT IN THIS
Probably because of your complexion, ya goddamned idiot.
PS. Leave me OUT of this. I am in CHARGE of hell. None of you are getting in.
____
You being out of this...no
You in charge of hell...yes
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-11 20:01:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-11 17:23:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
HELL:
Axolotl
Jeanneee
UnderOathMeal
Kaelic
ETS
HEAVEN:
Method
Foolproof
JonnyX
LSD
AwesomeFace
___
keeping track, very good idea
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-10-11 19:29:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-10-11 18:40:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
dude, this is severely awesome, though I must warn: even I'm sick of picture posts. fuck this presson primos faggot, I'm lsd. I grilled his nuts into roast beef and then enjoyed a nice roast nut ham sandwich.
___________
aha ha a hahah ah ah aa ha hah ah ah a
AH AHA HA HA AH H A A AH AHAHAHAAH aHAH AH AH AHA H
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-11 19:04:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First, that was fucking great. Second Shlongy you might be in charge of hell and keep others out but I long ago earned my season pass! And third WHY THE HELL AM I NOT IN THIS?
Oh and this rocked! "Foolproof approached St. Peter toting an M16 and his uniform. He pressed the barrel against St. Peter's neck and mumbled.
"Let me in." Pete immediatly tugged the golden rope."
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-10-11 19:01:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-11 18:19:39 (#)
Ranking: 1
"You made out with Oathmeal?"
"Yeah, Bret is a really cool guy."
================================================
Oh, Jeanne. Standards dear.
_________________
You better check your tone.
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-10-11 18:40:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dude, this is severely awesome, though I must warn: even I'm sick of picture posts. fuck this presson primos faggot, I'm lsd. I grilled his nuts into roast beef and then enjoyed a nice roast nut ham sandwich.
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-10-11 18:37:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"LSD420, man i hate picture post. Rejected." St. Pete tugged the red rope but LSD did not fall. "What the hell? Why aren't you falling?"
"I'm high man...want some?" LSD past a joint to St. Peter and they had a few good laughs. St. Peter then had the munchies and flipped his sign to out to lunch. While waiting for St. Peter to get back LSD smoked a whole bowl and used the power of drugs to fly over the pearly gates.
---
high when i read this: good stuff!
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-11 18:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"You made out with Oathmeal?"
"Yeah, Bret is a really cool guy."
================================================
Oh, Jeanne. Standards dear.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-11 18:18:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-11 18:15:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Undeserved.
I'm going to find you and download a virus onto your ass.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-11 18:09:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-10-11 18:05:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, UOM is almost a brand new user, and people are already including him in posts.
---
... just goes to show how much everyone loves the firecrotch.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-11 18:08:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck Croatia in its stupid arse
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-10-11 18:05:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, UOM is almost a brand new user, and people are already including him in posts.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-10-11 18:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heaven and Hell is for losers, I'm going to be a ghost so I can scare old people.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-11 18:04:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU SON OF A BITCH WHY DID I GO TO HELL? THAT'S IT I'M PISSED. I'LL BE BACK IN 20 MINUTES AFTER I FINISH -2BOMBING YOUR WHOLE FUCKING ACCOUNT YOU GODDAMNED ASSHOLE. NO, WAIT. FUCK THAT. I'M PUTTING YOU IN A RAP. THEN, I'M GOING TO -2BOMB YOUR WHOLE FUCKING ACCOUNT YOU GODDAMNED ASSHOLE. HAHAHAHA!! DID EVERYONE SEE ME JUST SAY THAT? HUH? WAIT ... HAVE YOU SEEN MY BICEPS? THEY'RE HUGE. AND I HAVE RED HAIR TOO, AND I CAN BENCH PRESS A TRAILER HOME. OH AND BY THE WAY DID YOU KNOW I'M FUNNY? OH YOU DIDN'T? WELL THEN FUCKIN -2DIE'S FOR LIFE FOR YOU, DICKHEAD. YOU ALL SUCK!! HAHAHAHA I WORK FOR A TRAINING COMPANY TOO, MAKING LOTS OF MONEY. DID YOU KNOW THAT? PROBABLY NOT. JESUS H. CHRIST I RUN SHIT. YOU SHOULD SEE ME AFTER A LONG WORK OUT HOLY SHIT I AM RIPPED.
~OathMeal Approved Post~
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-10-11 17:49:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was as your face says it would be.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-10-11 17:41:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate you you stupid dickface. Die in a boating accident.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-11 17:40:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-11 17:38:30 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-11 17:14:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF WHY AM I NOT IN THIS
Probably because of your complexion, ya goddamned idiot.
PS. Leave me OUT of this. I am in CHARGE of hell. None of you are getting in.
---
It's true:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/83547
http://www.ubersite.com/m/92217
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-10-11 17:38:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Creative.....
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-11 17:38:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-11 17:14:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF WHY AM I NOT IN THIS
Probably because of your complexion, ya goddamned idiot.
PS. Leave me OUT of this. I am in CHARGE of hell. None of you are getting in.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-11 17:35:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-11 17:34:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, if I'm in heaven, I make myself look like whoever I want, right?
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2006-10-11 17:32:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess I am going to hell then fucker???
Submitted by rillins (user info) at 2006-10-11 17:26:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Pan handling for points. bah.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-11 17:25:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I demand a cameo.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-11 17:24:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I trust that feety will wind up in Limbo.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-11 17:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HELL:
Axolotl
Jeanneee
UnderOathMeal
Kaelic
ETS
HEAVEN:
Method
Foolproof
JonnyX
LSD
AwesomeFace
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-11 17:14:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF WHY AM I NOT IN THIS