BART, Internet Nazi, You Done Fucked Up! Ubermadness IS A SHAM Run By Commies (951 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.81 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by S.I. Co. Semen (View user info) at 2006-10-12 19:14:50 EDT
Seriously, dude, my whole life revolved around Ubermadness 4 and my latest entry to the contest. I was taking a poop with UM4 on my mind, I was stroking my pet cock with a turkey baster grip, and guess what, I was thinking about my UM4 submission. I wasn't supposed to post until November 3rd, a month after I hit 100k hits, but I have to bring this to the attention of the memo department. I had dreams of winning this all and becoming uberlord. I lost sleep over UM4, actually I didn't but the jerking off part is true, mostly...somewhat.....kind of......not really.......not at all.
However, I submitted my entry at the prescribed time with a pretty picture too, and it was going to be glorius, really fucking glorius, god damn it. And I look, I look and see that it says I forfeited.....are you fucking serious? Forfeiting is for people with gashes between their legs, and bloody hatchet wounds, people like Bret, but not for me.
I am not attaching the picture, but to anyone who is interested, here's the story that I submitted for the title "Eve of the Feast" ...look at it if you'd like, but know this... UM4 IS RIGGED, AND EVERYONE RUNNING IT IS A COMMUNIST.
Eve of the Feast:
In mid-September the sun comes through the window almost level around 5:30PM with a devilish glaze plastered on the wall, casting a burnt glow throughout the house. On the top floor, windows are the main selling point spilling the rotting orange glow in almost all the corners leaving very few spots of shade. This isn't the bright yellow sunlight either, this is the sunlight that resembles the embers of a fire long forgotten, festering away, spewing ashes, clinging on to life, just waiting for someone to feed it again. In the hallway, which also receives ample sunlight, from the windows at each end, the floral wallpaper which had been popular in the 50's is peeling, exposing the other wall paper that was popular in the 20's.
The house creaks in the soft rock of the breeze, floorboards springing to life as they moan and flatulate, long devoid of any sparkle or luster. In a town of only 48 citizens one would say that my house doesn't stick out, as a matter of fact it's kind of plain, dilapidated, and worn tumultuously to my liking. I would have it no other way. My house was raised in 1827 and is the historic beacon as the first house built in the small town of Breidlesburgh and the second building only behind the church. The house once belonged to Priest Vanderbilt, god bless his soul, but was relinquished to the public after his suicide in 1839. The house has been in my family, the Moyer's, ever since and we have used it like it was meant to be, to our liking.
I've lived by myself for as long as my dear Linda was killed, almost 24 years ago. I loved my dear Linda, she exuded life, vivacious to the look, and her voice could make a million ants march in step, eyes that could freeze a glacier and a temper that could burn hell. She gave me the support I needed, dinner on the table at 6:00 sharp, on time, every day of the week, a good hot meal too, none of that crap you find now-a-days. The housework and chores were always done and we only argued when she told me that I worked in the field too much, that she'd like to go out sometime, go on vacation, maybe visit her family the next state over...something—anything.
I'm alone now, and I didn't mean to kill her, really, I didn't, but she wouldn't shut up about the field and how it worked me dry. I still get up, every day, at 5:00AM sharp, and tend the field, with Thompson, the second best horse I ever owned. My last horse, Owen died several years back; he was the best, the absolute best I tell you. He would run the plow like a champion thoroughbred in the Kentucky Derby, rarely sweated and could put more than two acres behind him in a day. I'm willing to bet that I tired before he did. I believe Linda was jealous of our relationship, claiming that I spent more time with the damn horse than I did with her, but the truth was that I was sanctimoniously joined with field and I wasn't going to be a bigot.
It was a mid-September day, when I came in from the field, washed my hands with warm water and homemade soap, scrubbing over the rough calluses brought on by the plow. Its wooden handles had formed into a perfect mould of my grip, smooth, shapely and almost begging me to come grip it in my dreams. Those hands are the ones I used to throttle my wife, Linda, after hearing her go on and on until the sun gingerly dipped behind the wheat field. That's when I had it.
She flailed, kicked, punched, scratched, and tried to fight back, but I wasn't in the presence of mind to continue blindly on this beaten road. My hands, no longer delicate, no longer pure, didn't fail me for they were rough, cracked, torpid hands used to destructive forces like uprooting earth, and the like. Her eyes became golden, like this wretched sun, ashy white turned into a clotted yellow the color of her teeth, the color of freshly churned cream, and the color of death.
I wasn't too worried, nor was I scared to be alone. When Owen died, I butchered him, used him for meat to feed myself, and now Linda was in the freezer as well, and after 24 years I'm getting ready for the rest of the bounty that I had procured. If my memory serves me correctly I saved Linda's liver, heart, and loin which should be delicious. Owen, being a bigger animal and much more recent allows me to choose my cut, and for this meal I think I will enjoy a piece of his thigh, a little tough, but with the other delicacies, I don't think it will be too bad.
In my quaint country kitchen, the heat is rising in my sauté pan and I add a few tablespoons of extra virgin olive oil. To that, I add some freshly chopped onion from the garden and I let that brown. I will season all my meats the same, and won't separate Owen and Linda, after all according to Linda, I wasn't able to differentiate the two of them anyway, miserable bitch. I love tarragon, the way you can add it to just about anything, except fruit and fish, and they don't go to well together. I adjust the heat so just the blue flame licks the bottom of the pan, a slow cook with the lid on top should accentuate the flavors of the different cuts. It'll also give time for the tarragon and onion to soak into the liver, heart, loin, and thigh. I've prepared some mashed potatoes, also from the garden with some fresh corn that I traded Bagby some potatoes for.
Finally, I sit down to the table, for the feast of a lifetime, the feast of my life at least, and for the first time in 24 years I'm in the company of Linda and Owen together.
"Let us say grace..."
Bon Apetit!
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-16 12:31:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I read the "Official Round 2" wrap-up and you're listed as a fucking "forfeiter", assmunch.
Who'm I going to believe, you or JMG?
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2006-10-15 23:23:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
stick to posting pics of the contents of your medicine cabinet
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-13 11:04:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-12 19:22:33 (#)
Ranking: 0
darko, I had it up at that time...right on the money, at noon.
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I'm sure Bart has a timestamp on individual UM submissions, and that the committee will grant automatic wins to those like you who posted on time but their opponents did not. Don't sweat it.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-13 10:20:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Razor, I emailed snark and bart, the only person I didn't email was you. I emailed bart before he posted the forfeits, but I didn't hear from him and by the time this came out, I figured it was too late. If you have an open forfeit space, I would love to still play, but I don't know if that would be allowed.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-10-13 10:04:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmmm... you might have been better off emailing the committee to see if they could fix the problem rather than posting your story here.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-13 09:50:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I still like this, a lot. On a side note I got to sample sour cream and onion styrofoam!
http://www.taquitos.net/snacks.php?snack_code=564
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-13 07:06:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, Spasmatron, I sent emails.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-12 23:11:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sure there could have been another way to go about this. At the time, I mean.
Did you email anyone to try to sort it out?
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-10-12 22:58:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-10-12 21:36:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't normally support you sico, hell lots of times I just want you to shut up. But you have my support now.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I love you.
_______
heh heh... sinner
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-12 22:09:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You suck.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-12 22:03:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bart won't ban you for just complaining.
Now, if you attached tubgirl, then maybe.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-12 22:02:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not banned yet no, W00t, Moooooooooo!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-12 21:45:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Woot, still not banned.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-10-12 21:36:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't normally support you sico, hell lots of times I just want you to shut up. But you have my support now.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I love you.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-12 21:34:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't remember reading anything in the rules that made allowances for idiocy.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-12 21:00:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my name is scourge and I approve of this post
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-10-12 20:53:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My name is rad1101, and I approve of this post.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-10-12 20:49:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I had it up right at noon."
You do know you coulda posted it earlier, right? Like...11am, or 10 am, or anytime before 1pm EST. You make it sound like you pulled a Bond, and let the timer get to 7 seconds before you started trying, and this time you didn't make it.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-10-12 20:43:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck Bart
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-12 20:34:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-12 19:57:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/94370 The truth is out.
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This was pretty damn good Sicosemen, BUT are you soliciting readers now? I mean I would have gotten to your post I promise! I won't even burn you and explain to the group. Good luck dude!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-12 20:31:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My rape slave brings all the rapes to the yard,
and they're like: "Rape-rape-rape-rape rape!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-12 20:22:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Didn't know you could be arrested for racism in the UK....pretty funny.
l
l
l
l
l
v
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2006-10-12 20:12:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Speaking of REAL Nazis:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=410150&in_page_id=1770
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-10-12 20:06:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry Simon
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-12 19:45:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll enjoy my banning.
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-10-12 19:32:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you should win.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-10-12 19:22:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Errrr +2 for the story.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-10-12 19:22:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Comrade Comrade Comrade...
You have mail foo.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-12 19:22:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
darko, I had it up at that time...right on the money, at noon.
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-10-12 19:22:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it!
I know, I'm as surprised as you.
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2006-10-12 19:21:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-12 19:21:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Titles go up Tuesday Noon Bart Time and the cutoff date for submissions is Tuesday noon the 10th.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-12 19:17:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He's got a point, you know.