EbolaMay Went To Jail (1102 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 1.42 on 56 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Director (View user info) at 2006-10-12 22:27:41 EDT
Those of you who remember me know that I totally fucked up my life by getting a second DUI. Stupid, I know, but nobody ever said alcoholism begats genius.
On my first offence, I didn't do jail time except for overnight in the drunk tank in Missouri. They really threw the book at me though. It was my first criminal offence in my entire life but that judge hammered my bunghole so hard I bled for a week. I was on probation for two years, had to do community service, MADD shit, and a ton of other things that if I failed to do, I'd get thrown in jail over.
Surprisingly, I aced that.
Then, being a drunk, I got behind the wheel of a car again, under the influence. Everybody on this site that has ever called me a retard (and there are quite a few of you) has me pegged.
So they busted me again. This time, I knew I was in for some serious grief. Oddly enough, though, they were less hard on me than Missouri was. And they even KNEW about the first offence. I was only on probation for a year, have to do mandatory AA meetings, twice a week, do MADD all over again, and I had to complete an 8 week outpatient rehabilitation program (all at my expense, of course).
Then, I had a choice. 360 hours of community service, a one year jail/work program where I would have to show up at the jail once a week for a year do the orange/side of the highway trash pick up gig, or do 5 days in jail.
I chose jail. Get it over as quickly as possible. I figured, I was once in the Navy, stuck in the bowels of a ship in the middle of the oceans with no girls, very little entertainment, and a bunch of lowlifes. How much different could jail be, right?
Well, my friends, it's a LOT different.
Immediatly after I made my decision they shackeled me (most humiliating moment of my entire adult life) and took me to a TINY cell somewhere in the Ann Arbor courthouse. I hadn't anticipated being stuck in there with a bunch of other convicts, but there were at least 15 men in there, and more kept coming in by the hour. We waited there for 5 hours. One old black man couldn't hold it anymore and had to shit.
Imagine being in a bathroom with no ventillation and 15 total strangers, and one of them shits. NICE. The place already smelled like a goddamn Detroit Lions locker room after a game. Cheeerist.
John Steinbeck once wrote that there is something fundamentally wrong with locking people up, and now I know why.
Anyway, after what seemed like an ETERNITY, they led us out into a paddy wagon, still shackled. Oddly, they only transported 8 of us at a time, in a chain gang. This was actually pretty interesting.
Once we arrived at the county jail, they marched us in and processed us. This meant ANOTHER cell with ANOTHER group of complete strangers, but at least this one was bigger.
Most of the guys in there with me were black. Some hispanics. Only one other white guy, a University of Michigan student who fucked up after partying too much. Most of the guys were in there for theft, or drugs. One kid was informed while in the processing cell that he was just then charged with a felony illegal firearms issue. That meant, he calculated, 20 years in the federal pen. He didn't seem remotley fazed by that prospect. I would have been sobbing in the fetal position. ALL of them had obviously done time before.
A lot of the black kids started spouting weird philosophies about Jesus. You've heard that kind of uneducated, religious talk before, I'm certain. At this point, I was starving. The whole time I never said one word to a soul. one kid kept saying that "once they get you in the legal system, they got you for life," and I've since discovered this is true.
One tall lanky fellow, a career petty criminal, kept saying he couldn't wait to get back to the Federal Pen. I scratched my head in amazment at this, and had to ask. "You WANT to go back to prison rather than here?" He said that yes; in prison you had more freedoms, better food, and you can read. "But isn't it more dangerous there?" No, he said. It's like anywhere else. If you fuck with the wrong people, then sure, your ass is grass, but if you keep quiet and lay low, nobody really fucks with you. I tucked this bit of knowledge away to keep forever. Just in case, you know.
Anyway, they FINALLY got me into a green canvas jumpsuit, and a pair of WAY too small flip-flops. Both items were old, VERY used, and gross to look at, much less wear. :-( They took all my clothes, the $15.00 I had on me, my watch, and everything else and stored it away.
Because of overcrowding I had to go into the "dangerous criminals section." Fucking great. At least I finally had my own cell. I was put into a filthy, metallic cell with one teensy window that was intentionally shaded so all you could see outside was a blur. The toilet was sickening. I was given a tiny toothbrush, and a bar of soap that you could shave concrete with.
And there I stayed for 3 days. I was let out twice a day for one hour to congregate with the other offenders, mill around and watch television (one channel, preset, unchangeable...it was a black channel).
Jail food is god fucking aweful. When I was in the navy, the food was, believe it or not, fantastic. In jail it is the most horrific, generic, cheap ass shit possible to buy. I heard it said that each meal cost .37 cents all total. Imagine a diet of THAT. God it was terrible.
While in my cell, I slept. A LOT. Because I had nothing to read, nothing to look at, and nothing to do. There is a line in "The Shawshank Redemption" where Morgan Freeman's character, "Red," says that prison time is slow time, and you guys, it is even slower than that. Every second of every minute you count.
Everynight around (no concept of what time it was but it was late) 1 I think a guard would come by and flash his flashlight in my cell, totally freaking me out.
Overcrowding became an issue again, and on the 3rd day, I was moved into a Basketball gym. This was a VAST improvement. The bedding was more comfortable, there were a LOT of guys to talk to (by this time I wasn't nearly as afraid of them as I was going in) there was a television (people fought over what to watch CONSTANTLY, sometimes leading up to the very edge of a fistfight. I was happy to watch whatever the fuck they wanted to). There were cards, and some silly games like "Battleship." Also, there was reading material; The Bible, and The AA big book. I read 4 chapters of the bible (at random) and the entire AA big book, which is the stories of a bunch of drunks and how they kicked the booze. It's actually quite interesting. Some of those people have some GREAT stories.
The only negative to this was sharing the fucking toilet. It was bad enough already sharing the shower, but one toilet for a basketball gym full of convicts? Fuck me. I held my poop for the duration of my stay.
I had been told that if I arranged for someone to pick me up on the 4th day by midnight I would be released early, so I had two friends come and get me.
And that's the story of my jail time. Hope you're fucking happy, Shlongy you turdfucker.
User Reviews
Submitted by Astra (user info) at 2008-05-18 09:33:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
GREAT story.
No really.
Submitted by maf54 (user info) at 2008-05-13 08:27:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
My wife left me and i became an alcoholic cunt... someone call me a waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaambulance!!
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-12-22 11:24:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
LOL!
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2006-12-22 11:18:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
oh hey, that's cool. i didn't know you quit drinking. if you said it in the post then i missed it.
glad to hear you did it. it ain't easy.
i usually don't preach to anyone about drinking since i was the biggest alcoholic piece of shit in the world, but it was late and i totally forgot that no one cares what i say.
Submitted by big_z_1980 (user info) at 2006-12-22 10:36:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
or...
you could NOT break the law
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-22 08:02:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not sure how the hell I got home from the card game last night.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-12-22 07:41:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2006-12-22 05:02:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-12-22 04:58:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DO Drugs not drink.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2006-12-22 04:31:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
First of all, Hidden, I haven't had a drink in a long, long, long time.
It was stupid, it was bad judgement, it was extremely selfish, and it was a self-pity party. My life has improved a great deal since I gave up the bottle, despite now being a "criminal."
Secondly, I appreciate your preaching, but you're preaching to the choir, mister.
Third, I have only known one person in my entire life who has not driven a car intoxicated. Even the arresting police told me that they'd driven drunk....just didn't get caught. So while I feel bad about it, and I'm sorry for it, and it's ruined my career and my social life, I'm done beating myself up over it.
It's done, it's over, I made some serious mistakes, but I was punished, and will continue to be punished for the rest of my life because of it, so please, keep your sermons to yourselves.
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2006-12-22 02:10:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
tupid, I know, but nobody ever said alcoholism begats genius.
heh, "begats"
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2006-12-22 01:45:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i can't pretend i've never driven drunk. i mean come on, we're talking about the guy that killed a liver in three short years. you want to talk about losing your sanity to the bottle, i got stories. it's pretty scary waking up in your bed with your keys in your hand and wondering how in the fuck you got that car home without killing someone. even worse, i would end up doing it again a week or two later. this was a common occurance. so like i said, i'm not going to pretend i've never done it, but i'm obviously about to tell you not to do it anymore.
i was sick three weeks ago and my coworkers went on a bender and kept inviting me to come out. i was too sick, so i declined. maybe i should have went to keep an eye on those idiots.
phone call from the police at 3am. "come pick up your buddies".
man, that pissed me off. and it was DUI #2 for the one driving. the other two were only on their first DUI. collectively, i think it's safe to say they've paid over $40,000 in fines and legal fees.
i know you already realize what a dickhead you are for driving drunk, so i'll spare you. just don't do it again. "i'm an alcoholic" is not an excuse. i've tried to make that excuse too many times. get ahold of yourself. when i finally took control of my alcoholism, i quit drinking completely for a year. the first two weeks was hell on earth. the shaking, the sweating, the hallucinations at night. once it was over, i learned to drink responsibly and i did it on my own by setting limits. it takes an immense amount of will power at first, but you eventually train yourself. i hope you're brave enough to try to take control. my life is a million times better ever since i did.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2006-12-21 23:44:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-12 22:31:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't say I have any personal experience of jail.
Disregarding Steinbeck, If we don't lock them up, what else do we do with them?
---
Send 'em to Australia, of course.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-11-21 22:25:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-13 16:31:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
man, I remember the good ol days, when a DUI only cost a few hours in jail and a couple hundred bucks...
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:54:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't do drugs kids.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-10-13 13:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My story:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/73202
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-13 11:12:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-12 23:40:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Isn't it iteresting how the most fascinating stories come from the dumbest shit we do?
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-13 10:55:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One DWI here in Texas, less than 24 hours in jail, 2 years probabtion, 40 hours community service, $2000 in fines, $6000 in legal fees, was WAY more than I ever wanted. Glad you are doing it right, when I drink now, before I even start my second I make sure my keys are in someone else's hands. I'm with you on the Alky thing. So play it smart. You don't want to kill anyone, not that way at least.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-10-13 10:32:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
jailbird
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-10-13 09:49:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-10-13 09:25:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ScarfaceMN (user info) at 2006-10-12 23:47:32 (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting shit. I just have one question: What thought process is behind driving drunk? I drink a lot, but I have never gotten behind the wheel after drinking 2 or more beers. I know a lot of people who drive drunk, no one can explain why. One guy pretends he doesn't remember the next day. So, can you explain it?
------------------------------------------
Most guys I know who drive drunk do so out of convenience. They don't plan on getting completely sloshed, but inbetween that 3rd and 7th drink a lot of times you don't feel like you are that much more drunk. If you don't live in a city getting home can be a pain.
Ebola, glad your cornhole is ok.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-10-13 08:08:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good luck
Submitted by MoneysWoman (user info) at 2006-10-13 07:49:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There is never enough time, unless you are serving it.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-10-13 06:24:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's another one for that UofM kid in jail. Always good to hear.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-10-13 06:24:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet when you got home, you knocked out the nastiest shit of your life.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-13 04:29:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nasty
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-10-13 02:21:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 uber
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-13 02:01:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2006-10-13 01:02:47 (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, they fined the dogshit out of me, both times. Overall, including lawyers, I think I spent about $12,000.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Damn. My lawyer cost me $6,000. If I would have been found guilty I would have approached 12 grand in just one round.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2006-10-13 01:31:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You know, thorpe, I read that post a long time ago and now that I've actually done time, I'm not so sure that Nitty hasn't done some either. He had it nailed.
Submitted by MadameDestrukt (user info) at 2006-10-13 01:28:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I've been thru 1 DUI, on the west coast. Jail is boring, cold, and green (here). I hope I don't fuck up and go thru what you have.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-10-13 01:19:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting. Reminded me of Nitty's great post a bit, where it got progressively more like a TV show until he admitted he hadn't even gone into a cell.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2006-10-13 01:02:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, they fined the dogshit out of me, both times. Overall, including lawyers, I think I spent about $12,000.
Submitted by DuiTicket (user info) at 2006-10-13 00:50:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that sucks but hope there wasn't any huge fines, heard you can get heavily fined for DUI
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2006-10-13 00:30:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2006-10-12 22:39:20 (#)
Ranking: -2
I understand Bob and I don't want or expect your sympathy. I've since become a teetotaller. This is simply a recount of what happened.
=======================
I wasn't crying about it Kaelic. I was simply telling the story.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-13 00:18:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-12 23:40:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Isn't it iteresting how the most fascinating stories come from the dumbest shit we do?
-------------
Yeah, no shit. The most interesting story of my life comes from my DUI as well. It was a bullshit arrest and I was found not guilty, but I still experienced the jail thing. There were some interesting people in there.
only +1 because it was a stupid fucking thing to do. but you know that, so its still positive. as if ratings on the internet matter.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2006-10-13 00:17:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh boo hoo, you spent five days in jail. Give me a fucking break, you pussy.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-13 00:07:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+ 2 for the turd fucker line alone.
Jail blows but I've only spent one night in the tank...with a bunch of OTHER losers after a bar fight more than two decades ago.
Now, I'm a model citizen...and a model man.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2006-10-12 23:51:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No, I can't explain it, other than I used to drink so much, so hard that I lost all reason. I am a true alcoholic and I lost my sanity to the bottle.
Submitted by ScarfaceMN (user info) at 2006-10-12 23:47:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting shit. I just have one question: What thought process is behind driving drunk? I drink a lot, but I have never gotten behind the wheel after drinking 2 or more beers. I know a lot of people who drive drunk, no one can explain why. One guy pretends he doesn't remember the next day. So, can you explain it?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-12 23:40:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Isn't it iteresting how the most fascinating stories come from the dumbest shit we do?
You dickhead.
I hope you can stay sober.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2006-10-12 23:40:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and thank you Jeanneee. I uvv uu too pumpkin.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2006-10-12 23:29:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh. I read that post a long time ago BB. It never occurred to me to make one though. heh.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-12 23:16:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you make a fifi?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/40484
Submitted by vagabond (user info) at 2006-10-12 23:08:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
drunk drivers make great road kill
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-12 22:55:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Written well, +2.
DUI x2 -1 at least.
I've got a 27 year old cousin who's sitting on 2, and still drinks like a fish. It kills me to think that within another few years he'll be considered habitual and will go to jail for a good long time.
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-10-12 22:49:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
free at last free at last mom almighty i''m free at last
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-10-12 22:48:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good job jailbird.
I love you!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-12 22:46:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But did he not pass "Go" and not collect $200?
Those are the questions.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-10-12 22:43:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fair enough.
i just hope 5 days was enough.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2006-10-12 22:39:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I understand Bob and I don't want or expect your sympathy. I've since become a teetotaller. This is simply a recount of what happened.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-12 22:34:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what the hell man if they are comin at you...
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-10-12 22:34:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sorry, but I have no sympathy for DUI offenders, in fact, i wish we had stiffer penalties for multiple offenders.
the lives I know that have been affected by some fucking retard who drank too much and decided to drive just reaffirm this for me.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-12 22:32:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-12 22:31:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well you've been a busy bee, haven't you?
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-12 22:31:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't say I have any personal experience of jail.
Disregarding Steinbeck, If we don't lock them up, what else do we do with them?