The Madness of AJ (973 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.17 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (View user info) at 2006-10-13 02:52:43 EDT
"Let this meeting commence," said Jack, raising his hands over the gathering before him.
Those gathered around the oak table ceased their small talk, shifting to face the man standing at the far end.
"I have gathered you all here for one reason:" he stated. "The madness of AJ."
The listeners exploded in a flurry of surprised whispers and hushed concerns, until Jack unsheathed the mighty steel sword from across his back, swinging it in a majestic arc down into the table, slicing it in half.
"Silence, all of you!" he commanded, quickly composing himself. "The matter is of great importance, yes, but this is the time for action, not petty bickering! We have all noticed the change in our past teammate, how he has gone from that of great honor and valor, and has instead turned to the ways of the invincible one."
Putting away his sword once more, he continued, "I would like to know why this unfortunate incident has occurred. I would like to know why he would so suddenly give in to the ways we all know not to be the light. Don't you?"
The men nodded in agreement, blurting soft murmurs of yes.
"I look around this table, and I see the few who have taken the code of the writer, and used it to its fullest. You are the few, the determined, the proud, those who take the embody the spirit of literature to levels unknown."
He went on, "And so I have chosen you to aid me in this quest of knowledge, to find what has become of AJ, to possibly aid him back to the side of good."
Nodding to each participant, he went around the table. "Razor, silent and stealthy, master of the blade. Bigmike, his strength unparalleled by normal man. JMG, the mental magician, able to mold the minds of whomever he choses. Stevie, the shape-shifter...you are the League of Uber."
"And along with our official photographer, Cancer..." he gestured off to the side.
"Hi guys," said the young man, raising his camera in a makeshift hello.
"We will storm AJ's stronghold and get to the bottom of this, all while obtaining bitchin' photos of ourselves for our official website. Are you with me?!"
"FUSION!"
The room went silent, as the congregation looked around for the source of the unusual cry.
Just then, a shoddily-clothed man leaped down from the rafters, a yellow-dyed tube sock dangling limply from his crotch as he landed amongst the shattered table.
Cancer went over to the man, and helped him aside. "Sorry guys," he explained. "My turn this week to watch Habeeb."
~~~
And so the mighty septuplet swung into action, their destination...AJ's Iowan Plain-Surrounded Castle of Surrounding Pain™!
"3000 bucks!" cried Jack. "Listen lady, we're going to Iowa, not Singapore. We're after a farmer, not a hooker."
"Sorry sir," said the lady behind the desk. "But there's six of you, and you want a same day flight. That's gonna cost you."
"Six? What are you talking about, there's seven of us, don't you see the suitcase with eyes over there?" pointed JMG, stepping forward in a huff.
Stevie rolled his eyes, turning back into his human form, shaking his head in disbelief. "Fucking idiot..." he muttered. "You're a fucking Jedi mind master, you can control the thoughts of those around you, but you can't even keep your own damn mouth shut.
"Well then, seven of you, $3500," the lady said, clicking keys as she punched in the new information. "And sir," she said, looking at Jack. "You're going to need to check that," gesturing to his sword. "We don't let you carry weapons aboard the plane."
Looking at her incredulously, he snapped, "Listen, ma'am, this is the prophetic sword of Plato. You know when they say 'The pen is mightier than the sword?' Not this one, sugar. I go nowhere without it."
"Sorry sir, FAA regulations," she stated matter-of-factly, continuing with her typing.
Pinching his brow between his fingers, Jack shook his head, his eyes closed as he shook off the insubordination. Here they were, the League of Uber, defenders of all things written, and they were still getting shafted by the airlines.
Turning to JMG, he uttered just two words:
"Do it."
~~~
"Mr. President, we're so honored to be flying with you!" said the stewardess. "But why aren't you using Air Force One?"
"Took the day off. Snuck out. Used strategery to get away," said the man.
"But what about your bodyguards? Why are they here then?" she asked, looking at the six Secret Service men.
"No more income tax. Keep their mouths shut. Don't mess with Texas," he replied.
"Oooo," she whistled, as she left the me, pulling the privacy curtain between the front and rear of the otherwise empty plane.
"You made me the fucking President?" asked Jack, the illusion now lifted. "Why couldn't you have just made the tickets free?"
"I dunno," said JMG, his black suit fading from reality. "Just figured we're superheroes, we should do it like superheroes would."
"Yeah, well, A+ for execution, F for simplicity. I almost got Razor over there to whip out a blade and hara-kiri me."
"Hara-kiri's a form of suicide, not murder," piped in Cancer.
"And you, you keep quiet," barked Jack, pointing. "I pay you to take pictures, not smart-talk me."
"Wake me in three hours," said Stevie, growing weary of the sheer level of retardedness on the aircraft, as Bigmike broke off both his armrests.
"Sorry..." he mumbled, placing them gently on the seat next to him.
"Fucking idiots..." breathed Stevie, just before sleep washed over.
~~~
Six hours, and one very long argument with a Hertz representative later, the league of Uber found themselves at the base of AJ's Iowan Plain-Surrounded Castle of Surrounding Pain™.
"All right, gents, here's the plan: Razor, you get on the roof. Then you lower a rope for the rest of us, and then we'll-"
"DING DONG, SOUP'S ON!" yelled Habeeb, marching to the front door and ringing the bell.
"Shit!" yelled Stevie. "Cancer, what the fuck are you doing, you were supposed to watch him!"
"I was getting ready for the battle..." he said ashamedly, as he finished screwing on the additional zoom lens.
"What the fuck?" asked AJ from the doorway, staring at Habeeb and the rest of the costumed heroes behind him.
"RARGH!" growled Bigmike, leaping forward and tackling AJ into the house. The rest of the gang followed, squeezing through the doorway in comedic fashion.
Meanwhile, AJ has escaped Bigmike's grasp, and had run off deep into his castle. As the League helped Bigmike to his feet, they heard the pounding footsteps grow softer and softer as AJ gained more and more ground.
"Bigmike, you ok?" asked Jack, looking into the large man's eyes, some might say homosexually.
"I'm fine, you fucking fag, I just was on the ground. Remember, I tackled the guy?"
"Dumbasses..." muttered Stevie again from the back of the group.
"Go after him already!" yelled Bigmike.
Razor was the first to respond, glancing around the entryway's many hallways, before picking one and dashing down. Jack followed suit, unsheathing his sword and heading down a different corridor. Then came Bigmike and JMG, splitting up and taking one of the remaining three.
"Quick, mount me!" said Stevie, looking at Habeeb and Cancer.
The two non-heroes looked at each other, a very confused look in their eyes.
"Aw fuck you guys," said Stevie, his body now a glistening Harley Davidson. "Just get on."
Complying, the three set off down the last, secretly wishing they would not be the ones to find the maddened AJ.
~~~
But in the end, thanks to classic castle design, all the hallways ended up leading to the exact same place, a gigantic throne room, AJ waiting in the center. As the League of Uber reached the end of their respective tunnels, they convened before him, waiting to pounce at the first opportunity.
"So, you fuckers have come to teach me a lesson, I take it?" snarled AJ.
"No, AJ, no!" cried Jack. "You've got it all wrong. Bigmike was just excited, we're just here to talk to you!"
"Fuck that noise," snapped AJ. "Buncha costumed twits show up my door with swords'n'shit, I think there's probably gonna be a fight."
Pulling out a gigantic machine gun from God-knows-where, AJ pointed it at the League of Uber, and grunted, "So bring it on."
Thinking fast, Stevie turned into a baseball bat, throwing himself into the arms of Habeeb. "Quick, Habeeb, the guy with the gun just said 'BEARS SUCK, GO PACKERS, WOO!'"
"WHA?" yelled Habeeb, twisting Stevie with clenched fists. "YOU GONNA GET BEEBED!"
As the gun began to fire, gigantic flaming husks of corn hurtling towards the heroes, Habeeb stepped forth, bat in hand. He swung again and again, connecting with the fiery husks, sending popcorn missiles flying in all directions.
Off to the side, Cancer took many, many pictures.
Finally, Habeeb grunted, and with a mighty swing, sent one final husk directly back into the face of AJ.
The gathering was amazed as AJ's head exploded in a shower of sparks and circuitry, a resounding ZAP whistling through the air.
"Holy shit!" yelled Razor. "I did not see that one coming, did you guys?!"
They all looked at him in disbelief, these the first words he'd said since they had organized.
"Very good, fuckers. Didn't think you'd live through that one," said a mysterious voice, coming from the shadowed throne at the end of the room.
"Who are you?" bellowed Jack angrily. "Who are you, and what have you done with the real AJ?"
"The real AJ? What the fuck are you losers talking about? That? He was just wearing headphones so he could have battle music as he kicked your ass!"
"WEEP," cried Habeeb, his fingers red and sticky with blood as he knelt by the fallen AJ.
"Shit," blurbed Cancer, as he went in for a close-up on the carnage.
"Don't take a picture of that, dipshit," ordered Jack, not looking away from the shadowed figure on the throne. "Well then who are you? Why did you do this?"
"Uh, I dunno," said the voice sarcastically, leaning in towards the light, "maybe because I fucking could?!" screamed Squattail.
"Ho shit! Again with the shocker," yelped Razor, again attracting looks from the other heroes.
"And now, limpdicks," said Squattail, pressing a button on the arm of his throne, "I think I'll have my way with you."
And on cue, a massive cage fell from above, trapping the League behind its heavy steel bars.
"Those are solid titanium, not even the steroid freak over there can bust through them," said Squattail, gesturing at Bigmike. "In case you were wondering."
"Now," he said, picking up AJ's fallen corn-shooter. "I'd like you all to -2 DIE." Cocking the barrel, he added, "And here my ratings actually count."
"FUSION!" cried Habeeb, having sneaked up behind Squattail in the confusion. Removing the tube sock, he grabbed his victim from behind and started thrusting forcefully. "HAR HAR PEENER!" he cried joyously.
"Oh god," muttered the encaged.
"Oh wow," breathed Cancer, the shutter on his camera flicking wildly.
"OH YES!" screamed Habeeb. "GO SOX, WOO!"
User Reviews
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-11-02 05:28:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't really say anything really.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-11-02 04:55:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SKIP IT
*dies*
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-10-27 07:36:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-16 12:26:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for telling me that....???
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-10-15 12:12:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Great, so is every idea ever. Short of inventing an entire new topic, such as say, using your finger to pull qworfs out of the air in order to svebang!...
It's all about the execution nowadays, making old ideas work.
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2006-10-15 11:06:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-10-15 02:53:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
OMG I'M SO SORRY I DIDN'T READ A POST FROM THREE YEARS AGO BEFORE WRITING THIS.
AND I'M SO SORRY I INCLUDED DIFFERENT CHARACTERS, ADDED A PLOT, AND ACTUALLY MADE THE IDEA INTO SOMETHING BESIDES A LIST.
WILL YOU EVAR FORGIVE ME?
---
Actually the point I was making is that the idea of writing a story about Ubersite users as superheroes, or detectives, or fantasy characters or anything else is pretty much just as old as the site itself.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-10-15 08:37:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-13 07:14:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Bigmike, you ok?" asked Jack, looking into the large man's eyes, some might say homosexually.
--
Hey, I'm not the only one who has a thing for Bigmike, right?
Right?
Wonderful.
I thought this was amusing. It really did make me smile.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-10-15 02:53:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OMG I'M SO SORRY I DIDN'T READ A POST FROM THREE YEARS AGO BEFORE WRITING THIS.
AND I'M SO SORRY I INCLUDED DIFFERENT CHARACTERS, ADDED A PLOT, AND ACTUALLY MADE THE IDEA INTO SOMETHING BESIDES A LIST.
WILL YOU EVAR FORGIVE ME?
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2006-10-15 00:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Uber League, huh?
Real original.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/6562
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-13 19:21:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So I'm not good enough to be mentioned, uh?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-13 17:01:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, AJ is so 2004.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-13 15:02:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I hope you get ass rabies.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-10-13 13:51:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Quit whining, Potter.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-10-13 13:38:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Says the guy who's -2ing me cause I gave him a 0 on his UM post.
Waa Waa.
You're just like loki:
"I NO CARE ABOUT THIS CONTEST, BUT ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO TOLD ME I NO WRITE GOOD, YOU DIE, I HATE YOU, RAWRRRRRRRRRRR!"
Cry me a fuckin' river, Bob. You put no effort into your UM post, you're gonna get shit from people. You're dumb to think otherwise. Hell, you actually put effort into your UM post, you're gonna get shit from people. You said UM's supposed to be about fun? Yeah well, I have fun by shit-blasting those who post crap. Take it stride, toothbrush-fucker.
Please, now, move along.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-13 13:34:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No, it's because you're a bedwetting gaylord.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-10-13 13:14:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I know why Bobbo's giving me the stink-eye.
S'cause he was the creator of El Shitfest that is "Weeping Willow" #2, and I've been blasting him for it.
Whatever.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-10-13 12:03:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Simplistic.
Submitted by barnaclebill (user info) at 2006-10-13 11:55:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAR HAR PEENER
'nuff said
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-13 11:31:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-13 11:31:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
S'okey dokey then.
I'm guessing I'm Swiss then. I like what's good, and I dislike what's bad.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-13 11:27:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-13 11:20:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
C'mon now, Bob.
This was actually pretty well done.
------
...like a steak forgotten on the grill.
I'm at war here. No mercy to the enemy until they capitulate.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-13 11:20:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
C'mon now, Bob.
This was actually pretty well done.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-13 11:19:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"FUSION!" cried Habeeb, having sneaked up behind Squattail in the confusion. Removing the tube sock, he grabbed his victim from behind and started thrusting forcefully. "HAR HAR PEENER!" he cried joyously.
-------------
hahahahahahahaha
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 09:29:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Much like the attempt at reaching out to alien life at the end of Contact, they should have sent a poet.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-13 08:03:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
The vogue thing to do back in 2003 was to write a tale where the characters had the same names as uber-users.
They usually sucked.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-13 08:03:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Now," he said, picking up AJ's fallen corn-shooter. "I'd like you all to -2 DIE." Cocking the barrel, he added, "And here my ratings actually count."
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-13 07:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Bigmike, you ok?" asked Jack, looking into the large man's eyes, some might say homosexually.
--
Hey, I'm not the only one who has a thing for Bigmike, right?
Right?
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-10-13 06:25:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There are so many typos in this, it scares me.
If this was an UM entry, I wouldn't vote for myself.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-10-13 04:35:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to shave before I go to bed so i don't have to shave tomorrow.
I hope my plan works.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-10-13 04:34:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for drunk girls, boobs and a boy named Steve.
You know what I mean.
I um. I.
drunk.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-13 04:03:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-13 03:03:58 (#)
Ranking: 1
I smiled once or twice.
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-10-13 03:32:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was fucking funny as, well, a really fucking funny disease whose name escapes me at the moment... seriously, fantistic, well done, brilliant...
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-13 03:27:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"OH YES!" screamed Habeeb. "GO SOX, WOO!"
shoulda been "RAAAAAAAA!" screamed Habeeb. go sox etc.
i take it back. this is SPT material.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-13 03:03:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I smiled once or twice.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-10-13 03:02:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2. Will read it tomorrow.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-10-13 03:01:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn. Hope it's good enough for non-SPT, then.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-13 02:58:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think the cutoff for the word count of a SPT post has to be about 5% of what's on this page.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-10-13 02:57:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOO!
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-10-13 02:53:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's 11:55 here, SPT still counts, right?