Ubermadness Makes Me Want To Bellow My Balls Onto A Roaring Fire (213 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 2 on 5 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Average_Dan (View user info) at 2006-10-13 04:07:37 EDT
I want to read trashy comedy of Uber, not the "serious writer's forum" of Uber. I need some comedy in my life, man. Things just seem to be going by too fast. I don't even get the chance to write down all the things that I see in this fast-paced life that you all find so interesting. I feed on your interest. That's why I am here on Uber, to entertain as many people as I possibly can and get exposure, even though it is on the underground, indy, writer's forum that is becoming so trendy to do these days. Maybe, somehow far away, someone of importance will read something I've done and say, "Hey, this Average_Dan fellow seems pretty interesting". That's all I need, an open window, a chance. I've been preparing for "chances" all my life, because I see that as the only way to get ahead; to be prepared. I forget the movie, but a line in it goes: Chance favors the prepared mind. That line, out of every line I have ever heard in any movie sticks with me. It's cheezy as fuck and probably from some sellout producer like Steven Spielberg, but it makes sense to me. Isn't that why we believe in something?
Anyways, enough with the talks of stress and bitching and trying to break the chains of another writer's block, (not that we were talking of any, if not all the above mentioned subjects) let's see if we can liven this place up a little bit:
I helped an old lady cross an intersection in the downtown part of my fair city. No, hold the applause, I was just fulfilling what I felt was my civic duty.
**Stands with fists on hips, like the old school George Reeves stance**
To tell you the truth, I am probably not going to do it again. It was frustrating to say the least, trying to roll her...roller across the street with her slung in the fireman carry. I may have sprained something in my lower back, more to come on that after the visit to the chiropractor so that I can establish a personal injury suit on Irene. If needs be.
Hey, you ever tried selling a little weed to save cash during the weeks between paychecks, smoke all the weed you were supposed to sell and end up owing your dealer $580?
No?
Well...never mind then.
What's that? Ah, "Normal" people don't do that? It's just the black thugs and the Mexicans? Well, I get my weed from a white dude in a mansion who drives a hot ass car and driver. So who's the thug?
America has become what it always intended to be; a meting pot. Believe it or not, racial profiling will one day be a thing that we laugh at over anti-gravity tea or some shit. Maybe "racial profiling" isn't the right term, maybe I'm just talking about condescension will be a thing of the past, for all things. Whether it be comparing body type, ethnicity, or background, the spread of negativity only breeds destruction. Therefore, a balance on positivty and negativity is necessary to increase our collective human potential, in which, there is no room for such petty emotions as pride, lust, and ambition. We will be a cyborg nation of telepathic, bio-mechanical, shape-shifters, and all other nations of all other planets will bow to our understanding and utilization of 11 dimensional space-time. Our inexhaustible source of energy, drawn from the very fabric of reality, gives us all the strength we need to seal shut our universe, so we can return to our dreamless emptiness in the infinitesimal.
At least that's where I see things going.
How the fuck did Jerry Lee Lewis get into the Rat Pack?
Ever accidentally pissed on the guy's shoe next to you at a urinal and didn't say anything?
Would you want someone to say something to you?
These are the questions you have to ask yourself every day. These are the decisions that are going to help you prepare. For what? I have no idea, but remember, "Chance favors the prepared mind".
Let's say for instance, you're at a bank, applying for a line of credit. Do you:
A.) Get dressed in a respectable outfit; make sure your nails are trimmed and neat.
B.) Stay up all night listening to the Dark Side of the Moon album on vinyl, regardless of the fact it keeps looping on the part in Time when the black lady comes in all soulful and shit or that you will only get 45 minutes of sleep if you go to bed right now.
C.) Throw on some board shorts and a wife beater, get baked and show up with your eyes all red and say, "So...what's up with that money, dude?"
If you answered A, you are a fag. If there is one lesson life had taught me, it's that if you see a dude checking to see if his nails are neat, chances are, unless he's a prostate doctor, he's a flaming homo. Prostate doctors are nice enough to keep at least one of their fingers neatly groomed, and if they don't, they should.
You see, sometimes it's not the answer that you are looking for so much, but the opposite. You might have said, "A" and you would have been called a fag, when in fact, your answer should have been "Anything but A". Is it making sense yet?
My point is, by applying this type of logic to everyday life, you will take one more step towards personal enlightenment. Need another example? Here:
You're shipwrecked...no, too cliche. Say you've just realized your parents found you on the doorstep and kept you because they couldn't have children of their own...no, too Oxygen Channel. Tests are bad examples anyways. You just have to pull what you can out of the above example, and it's just vague enough to be applicable everywhere, then you get, "A following". You've seen it before. Little piece called "the bible". Little following called "Christians". Maybe it started out with the Jewish version of medieval Ubersite. It was probably called, "schtubersite", or something with an equal number of "schtu" in it. All Jewish words sound like that.
Oops. Seems I made another racial slur. I guess I'm not living up to my own teachings. That's called a hypocrite. The prefix "Hypo-" in Latin means beneath, below, under. "Crite" means...well, I'm not sure what it means. Probably, "Stood", so it would mean, "Understood" by the general public, then you become the governor of Virginia. Yes, I just called Tim Kaine a hypocrite, in a not so direct way. I'm sure my computer will be infiltrated by the government in an attempt to finally squelch my fearsome rebellion of savage robot-people.
Some of this may have been strange to you. Some of you may be thinking, "He knows I'm high". Well I didn't, but you just busted yourself! HA!
That's 2 times I deserve to die. Please reference the exclamation points above.
Whatever it has been, just remember this one thing. If you take nothing else with you from me in your entire life. Just please, always remember:
User Reviews
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-13 04:23:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope segregation makes a comeback.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-10-13 04:23:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-10-13 04:20:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Did you do that chronic?
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-10-13 04:19:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, you ever tried selling a little weed to save cash during the weeks between paychecks, smoke all the weed you were supposed to sell and end up owing your dealer $580?
No?
Well...never mind then.
What's that? Ah, "Normal" people don't do that? It's just the black thugs and the Mexicans? Well, I get my weed from a white dude in a mansion who drives a hot ass car and driver. So who's the thug?
America has become what it always intended to be; a meting pot. Believe it or not, racial profiling will one day be a thing that we laugh at over anti-gravity tea or some shit.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-10-13 04:14:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh, drives a hot ass car and driver.
That doesn't even make sense. The driver would do the driving, he would just sit in it.
Fack all