Ubermadness Makes Me Want To Bellow My Balls Onto A Roaring Hot Fire (924 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.82 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Average_Dan (View user info) at 2006-10-13 04:28:14 EDT
I want to read trashy comedy of Uber, not the "serious writer's forum" of Uber. I need some comedy in my life, man. Things just seem to be going by too fast. I don't even get the chance to write down all the things that I see in this fast-paced life that you all find so interesting. I feed on your interest. That's why I am here on Uber, to entertain as many people as I possibly can and get exposure, even though it is on the underground, indy, writer's forum that is becoming so trendy to do these days. Maybe, somehow far away, someone of importance will read something I've done and say, "Hey, this Average_Dan fellow seems pretty interesting". That's all I need, an open window, a chance. I've been preparing for "chances" all my life, because I see that as the only way to get ahead; to be prepared. I forget the movie, but a line in it goes: Chance favors the prepared mind. That line, out of every line I have ever heard in any movie sticks with me. It's cheezy as fuck and probably from some sellout producer like Steven Spielberg, but it makes sense to me. Isn't that why we believe in something?
Anyways, enough with the talks of stress and bitching and trying to break the chains of another writer's block, (not that we were talking of any, if not all the above mentioned subjects) let's see if we can liven this place up a little bit:
I helped an old lady cross an intersection in the downtown part of my fair city. No, hold the applause, I was just fulfilling what I felt was my civic duty.
**Stands with fists on hips, like the old school George Reeves stance**
To tell you the truth, I am probably not going to do it again. It was frustrating to say the least, trying to roll her...roller across the street with her slung in the fireman carry. I may have sprained something in my lower back, more to come on that after the visit to the chiropractor so that I can establish a personal injury suit on Irene. If needs be.
Hey, you ever tried selling a little weed to save cash during the weeks between paychecks, smoke all the weed you were supposed to sell and end up owing your dealer $580?
No?
Well...never mind then.
What's that? Ah, "Normal" people don't do that? It's just the black thugs and the Mexicans? Well, I get my weed from a white dude in a mansion who drives a hot ass car with a driver. So who's the thug?
America has become what it always intended to be; a meting pot. Believe it or not, racial profiling will one day be a thing that we laugh at over anti-gravity tea or some shit. Maybe "racial profiling" isn't the right term, maybe I'm just talking about condescension will be a thing of the past, for all things. Whether it be comparing body type, ethnicity, or background, the spread of negativity only breeds destruction. Therefore, a balance on positivty and negativity is necessary to increase our collective human potential, in which, there is no room for such petty emotions as pride, lust, and ambition. We will be a cyborg nation of telepathic, bio-mechanical, shape-shifters, and all other nations of all other planets will bow to our understanding and utilization of 11 dimensional space-time. Our inexhaustible source of energy, drawn from the very fabric of reality, gives us all the strength we need to seal shut our universe, so we can return to our dreamless emptiness in the infinitesimal.
At least that's where I see things going.
How the fuck did Jerry Lee Lewis get into the Rat Pack?
Ever accidentally pissed on the guy's shoe next to you at a urinal and didn't say anything?
Would you want someone to say something to you?
These are the questions you have to ask yourself every day. These are the decisions that are going to help you prepare. For what? I have no idea, but remember, "Chance favors the prepared mind".
Let's say for instance, you're at a bank, applying for a line of credit. Do you:
A.) Get dressed in a respectable outfit; make sure your nails are trimmed and neat.
B.) Stay up all night listening to the Dark Side of the Moon album on vinyl, regardless of the fact it keeps looping on the part in Time when the black lady comes in all soulful and shit or that you will only get 45 minutes of sleep if you go to bed right now.
C.) Throw on some board shorts and a wife beater, get baked and show up with your eyes all red and say, "So...what's up with that money, dude?"
If you answered A, you are a fag. If there is one lesson life had taught me, it's that if you see a dude checking to see if his nails are neat, chances are, unless he's a prostate doctor, he's a flaming homo. Prostate doctors are nice enough to keep at least one of their fingers neatly groomed, and if they don't, they should.
You see, sometimes it's not the answer that you are looking for so much, but the opposite. You might have said, "A" and you would have been called a fag, when in fact, your answer should have been "Anything but A". Is it making sense yet?
My point is, by applying this type of logic to everyday life, you will take one more step towards personal enlightenment. Need another example? Here:
You're shipwrecked...no, too cliche. Say you've just realized your parents found you on the doorstep and kept you because they couldn't have children of their own...no, too Oxygen Channel. Tests are bad examples anyways. You just have to pull what you can out of the above example, and it's just vague enough to be applicable everywhere, then you get, "A following". You've seen it before. Little piece called "the bible". Little following called "Christians". Maybe it started out with the Jewish version of medieval Ubersite. It was probably called, "schtubersite", or something with an equal number of "schtu" in it. All Jewish words sound like that.
Oops. Seems I made another racial slur. I guess I'm not living up to my own teachings. That's called a hypocrite. The prefix "Hypo-" in Latin means beneath, below, under. "Crite" means...well, I'm not sure what it means. Probably, "Stood", so it would mean, "Understood" by the general public, then you become the governor of Virginia. Yes, I just called Tim Kaine a hypocrite, in a not so direct way. I'm sure my computer will be infiltrated by the government in an attempt to finally squelch my fearsome rebellion of savage robot-people.
Some of this may have been strange to you. Some of you may be thinking, "He knows I'm high". Well I didn't, but you just busted yourself! HA!
That's 2 times I deserve to die. Please reference the exclamation points above.
Whatever it has been, just remember this one thing. If you take nothing else with you from me in your entire life. Just please, always remember:
User Reviews
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-11-15 22:46:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait... what?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-03 12:00:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the George Carlin line.
You should post more. I miss you.
The world needs more Average_Dan.
Submitted by rejected (user info) at 2006-10-27 20:21:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Side notes:
A. The last time I stood in the "Dan Reeves stance" I pooped myself a little.
B. "roller across the street". Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
C. I helped smoke some of that $580. What a shitty friend I am.
D. Pride, lust, and ambition may be petty to you but these are all I have left.
E. I picked answer "B". Only I was watching "The Wizard of Oz" at the same time making it "The Dark Side of OZ".
F. The HA HA Quaker Guy F'N rulez.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-25 14:18:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So where's this car crash post you told me of? I can't be bothered to sort through all of it; my brain might explode.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-14 21:40:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-10-14 21:22:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
I seriously don't remember writing that.
=======
which part, the "rhymes with porn" or "directing teenage boys"? or something else?
OMG DO YOU TAKE AMBIEN??!?!1
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-14 15:00:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-10-14 10:55:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
You should look into movie directing. there is a particular genre that would take well to your direction but I forget the genre. I think it rhymes with "Porn".
====
What? Corn?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-10-14 10:55:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You should look into movie directing. there is a particular genre that would take well to your direction but I for get the genre. I think it rhymes with "Porn".
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-14 05:14:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-10-13 18:52:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahah, good job catching that Coley. Love ya.
Orgasmatron,
That gay lexicon flows so sweetly across your tongue that I wonder what it would taste like. That wasn't gay at all, just a couple of guys talking about making out. What!?
=======
back atcha, A_D.
Also I was going to suggest that yall make out but I didn't want to be too pushy. I mean, if you pay attention to those dudes that run the Girls Gone Wild cameras, they try to ease the bitches into it.
So yeah, O-tron..put your hand on his leg....yeah...like that. That's nice.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-10-13 18:52:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahah, good job catching that Coley. Love ya.
Orgasmatron,
That gay lexicon flows so sweetly across your tongue that I wonder what it would taste like. That wasn't gay at all, just a couple of guys talking about making out. What!?
Myteeone,
You can come over and have drinks with me if you so desire. Actually, I want to come to Chi-town, what are the chances of me crashing there?
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-13 15:32:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I just noticed the subliminal "11!PLUS211!!!" or whatever in that picture.
You sneaky bastard.
Just for that, you now get a +1.
HA
TAKE THAT!
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-13 15:26:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:53:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Where was my invite Coley? And seriously, what does FIB stand for?
=========
Sorry MyTee :( I didn't invite any of you imaginary intarweb people.
I had a fucking fantastically fabulous time..the show was just what I needed (Spearhead)
you know a band is good when they can make you cry and you're sober.
Of course after the fact was the trip across town to 80s night where I bribed
the dj to play "Pour Some Sugar On Me" and I danced on speakers with sweaty gay boys.
I bet you're sad you missed out on THAT
FIB? check your space. I JUSt answered it.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:53:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where was my invite Coley? And seriously, what does FIB stand for?
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:23:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was drinking last night; forgive me.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-13 13:38:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
trashy comedy
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 13:34:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh I'll get a grip. I'll get a grip ON YOUR MULE.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-10-13 12:52:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it scares me that I understood most of this
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-10-13 12:23:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No more cookies for you then Mr. Grumpy Head
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-13 12:21:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, this Average_Dan fellow seems pretty interesting
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-13 12:15:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
needs more pirates
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-10-13 12:07:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
but i said it in a pretty way F_G/
Orgasmatron, I thank you for professing your man-love for me, but let's keep it a little more discreet, I have children for chrissake. Children that surf the intrawebs and jerk off to scat. So let's GET A GRIP, YOU GOT ME??!?!?
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-10-13 12:05:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How the fuck did Jerry Lee Lewis get into the Rat Pack?
=======================================================
Jerry Lewis (From the rat pack) and Jerry Lee Lewis (Child marrier) are two different people.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 11:56:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-13 11:21:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 09:23:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you Average_Dan.
You're quite entertaining, and thanks for that.
---
I KNEW you always wanted to try topping me.
This changes nothing. Even if I *am* being topped by Thorny, I STILL LOVE AVERAGE DAN WITH A LOVE THAT CANNOT BE CONTAINED. NOT EVEN BY THOSE SWEET ZIPLOCK BAGS WITH THE DOUBLE SEALY STUFF. NOT EVEN BY A GENITAL MITT MADE OUT OF CRAZY GLUE AND PANTY LINER TAPE.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-10-13 11:47:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think A_D just called me simple. :*(
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-10-13 11:34:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Forensic is entertained. But pretty pictures entertain her, so i'll take that for what it's worth.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-13 11:21:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 09:23:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you Average_Dan.
You're quite entertaining, and thanks for that.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-13 11:01:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-10-13 10:38:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!!?
I'm sure this was alla misunderstanding, but someone apparently, broke into my house, smoked all my weed and wrote this.
WTF BBQ LSD
------
Did they stick your toothbrush up their ass?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-10-13 10:56:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm entertained.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-10-13 10:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!!?
I'm sure this was alla misunderstanding, but someone apparently, broke into my house, smoked all my weed and wrote this.
WTF BBQ LSD
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-10-13 10:15:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-10-13 10:05:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/94192
#2 was my favorite one this round.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 09:23:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you Average_Dan.
You're quite entertaining, and thanks for that.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-13 09:11:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me too.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-13 08:16:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, A_D.
"I get my weed from a white dude in a mansion who drives a hot ass car with a driver."
BAD KARMA, man. What about giving your business to the little guy? Ma and Pa? YOU PROBABLY SHOP AT WALMART, TOO.
That part in "Time" is actually another song called "The Great Gig in the Sky". I heard it last night, as a matter of fact. I was not high, except that I was.
I'm enjoying Ubermadness. But this post is better then a lot of the POS entries, for true.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-13 07:56:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The best post all week.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-13 07:05:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sure.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-13 06:27:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
its hard for me to psych myself up enough to read some of these. I feel like if I really want to be reading, I have a queue of quality books lined up for me. Books I'm really excited about and really want to get started on. I spend my time reading amateur short fiction instead.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-13 06:14:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what, fuck you, mr grueberfest dropout; Im' in UM and I can't write for shit but hey I fucking try. Go beat yourself about the head.
:D
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-10-13 06:11:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2006-10-13 04:52:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this so much more than ubermadness.
Racial profiling will never die. I intend to pass it down from generation to generation.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-10-13 06:10:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You want trashy humor? Read my latest post.
Habeeb rapes PFF.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-13 06:02:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know what the fuck this was about but I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time.
jadofajsdfjsadfaspda va
svmaoifaj
asjs
yeah.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2006-10-13 04:52:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this so much more than ubermadness.
Do another one.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-10-13 04:33:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell what ilikesteak?
Wink Wink
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-10-13 04:32:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Boobs
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-10-13 04:31:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I will not tell.