The Lowlife (663 hits)
Category: Sound & MusicLabels: T&MM
Rating: 1.8 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Susie Derkins (View user info) at 2006-10-13 10:05:12 EDT
The Boy Scout (pt 1) http://www.ubersite.com/m/94323
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I don't know when Tweeter got smart, but he did. It started out that he was my gofer. You know, deliveries and pickups, shit like that. I met him at a party about a year ago; he was there with Josie. Mmmm....Josie, what a girl. He never did tell me what happened between them, but I can imagine: he's too much of an uptight loser for a woman like her. I was apparently too much man for her, though I tried to convince her otherwise every time I saw her. I haven't seen her since the night I met Tweeter, so I guess my chances are gone.
Anyhow, Tweeter was good for a while: prompt, always came back with every penny that was owed to me and never asked questions about the contents of the boxes he delivered. I happily paid him for his work. Admittedly, I paid him bare bones, but fuck him. I do all the hard stuff with the suppliers, so I get more. After a few months, he started to get greedy and demanding more of a cut. At first I told him no, I could always find another delivery boy. Then he started with the threats.
"I know what's in the packages, Monkey Man." He said to me one day. I eyed him to see if he was bluffing or not, his face stayed solid.
"The hell you do." I smirked, trying to get more information.
"I could turn you in and take all the money."
"And what are you going to tell the cops? You'd be in just as much shit as me, you deliver the packages." This made him shift uncomfortably on the couch. I had him there.
"Whatever, man." He said after a pause, "Even if I was arrested and charged, I'd have a place to stay for a short time. Rent free with food provided and I wouldn't be your gofer anymore. You, however, would be up Shit Creek. I could make a deal with them, or I could make a deal with you. What's it going to be?"
I sat and stared at him. He stared back. I have to admit I was intimidated. He had the hard stare of someone who'd seen too much. Wasn't he a jungle grunt in Nam? I decided to play it cool with him.
"OK, buddy," I laughed, "How about this: instead of a bigger cut of the money, I give you some of what's in the packages?"
"No thanks. I'm not into that, I want the money." He replied stonily. The smile faded from my face, I was losing.
"Twenty five percent." I offered.
"Fifty." He countered.
"There's no goddamn way you're getting half!"
"Then no deal for you."
"Thirty five percent! Nothing more!"
"Fifty percent." He replied coolly, "Nothing less."
"You ungrateful motherfucker," I snarled as I drew my handgun out of the back of my jeans, "I gave you a job when you had nothing and now you want to be partners? I should kill you and keep everything. It's not like anyone would miss you."
"I'm not afraid of your gun." Tweeter looked me in the eyes, his glance never flickering towards the weapon pointed at his head. This guy was cool.
I rose from my seat and put the barrel against his temple. Nothing. I cocked the hammer back, not even a twitch out of him. He sat like a statue: not sweating, not breathing erratically, no tremors. He had me by the balls. I whacked him in the back of the head with the handle of my gun and knocked him out. If I wasn't going to shoot him, I would give him a little headache to deal with.
"Fifty-fifty," I spat over his prone figure, "You've got it pal, at least until I figure out how to get rid of you cleanly."
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"Hello?"
"Hi Jan, baby."
"Monkey Man? How are you, sweetie?" Jan asked, voice lilting.
"Not too bad, baby. How's the sweet life on the hill?"
"Same old story: married much too young to a much older man, bored out of my skull most of the time. I should have waited for you."
I grinned. She has had a crush on me since she was riding a tricycle. We would have had something in high school if it wasn't for her older brother John, he didn't like me for some reason and forbade his sister from seeing me. To annoy him, she married a 35 year old shyster named Bill when she was barely a teenager. John was so enraged that he swore he'd put her new husband in prison if it took him his whole life. He did become a cop, but was eventually put on the undercover vice squad where he developed a very nasty cocaine habit. I was happy to keep him supplied so long as he let me see his sister behind her husband's back. All very soap opera, I know.
In the end, I won as always: I had a cop in my back pocket and his hot little sister to bang whenever I pleased. The bonus was that she kept me afloat with her husband's money whenever business got slow. I was on top of the world...until the Tweeter problem came along. I explained my issue to Jan in great detail while she made sympathetic noises.
"Don't you worry, baby. I'll find a way to help you." She purred into the phone.
"I knew I could count on you, honey. Are we still on for next Friday night?"
"Bill leaves for Hong Kong at five, be here at seven. I can't wait..."
I hung up the phone with a smile, everything would be taken care of shortly.
"Tweeter!" I bellowed, "Get your shit together, we're going out."
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Tweeter and I sat at the corner bar and talked business, like good little partners do.
"Jersey?" he asked, "What would we want to go there for?"
"Well," I replied, "There's less heat there, better suppliers and a lot bigger client base. We could do big business there, partner. Make a lot more money for a lot less hassle."
"Wouldn't we have to buy from the mob there? We'd owe them big." Tweeter seemed to know a lot more about the drug business than I thought he did.
"Nah, there are other suppliers than the mafia out there. I've made some calls and got some interested parties. There'll be an initial cost, but after we get out on our own, it'll be all profit for us, man."
Tweeter visibly relaxed a bit, obviously reassured by what I was saying. He drained his beer and motioned to the bartender for another round. I smiled and got up to start the jukebox.
"We need some good road trip music to get us fired up. What do you want to hear?" I said, counting quarters in my hand.
"Road trip? We don't have a car."
"Tweeter," I chuckled, "You worry too much, man, leave that to me."
"In that case," he said and took a big swig of his new beer, "I want to hear 'Radar Love'."
An hour later we were on Highway 99 in a hotwired Cadillac. If we're road tripping, it may as well be in style, right? Besides, we needed to look good for the new partners in Jersey City.
User Reviews
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-16 02:17:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bit better than a 1. Whatever, this'll do.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-16 02:16:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-13 18:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this series.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 17:29:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The electric yellow's got me by the brain banana today.
*stuffs rain check inside boxer briefs*
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-10-13 16:32:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
O-tron, you're on fire today with your reviews, you're killing me. I'm still laughing about the original 1812 bit on fartsmeller's post. Ummm....yeah...raincheck.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-13 16:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're hot
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 16:17:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's not as much fun for us, but do what you gotta do.
Might be a safe move, really. I had various McDonalds items for breakfast and I fear I may 1812 Overture myself at any moment.
Rain check?
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-10-13 16:10:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 16:08:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
SEE??
Quick, Susie, stick your finger in my ass. That'll make him go away.
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Can't I just make a jam trail to another post and leave the jar there? I know what you had for lunch and I'm not interested.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 16:08:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SEE??
Quick, Susie, stick your finger in my ass. That'll make him go away.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-13 15:55:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did someone say jam?
I was camping on the UberMadness post, and I could have SWORN someone said jam?
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmfffffffff jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-13 15:42:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-10-13 11:23:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is quite possibly, the best thing to be posted, other than my posts, in months.
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Yeah man keep it up, good work.
Submitted by DuiTicket (user info) at 2006-10-13 15:05:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hmmmm interesting....switching point of view
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 15:00:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't mention jam. You'll alert JayPeg.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:44:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Girls flip for guys in jams.
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The fact you quote the comic makes you Cool girl numero uno in my book. I now <3 Susie Derkins.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-13 13:24:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lovely
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-10-13 13:02:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ilikesteak - that's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all week, thank you.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-10-13 12:58:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Truth be told, I much prefer Hobbes' company. Especially when he wears those cute jams. Girls flip for guys in jams.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 12:55:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Zombie hunter's right. Mr. Bun totally smokes the pole.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-13 12:39:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very cool.
Mr. Bun is a pansy.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-10-13 11:23:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is quite possibly, the best thing to be posted, other than my posts, in months.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-10-13 11:19:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Orgasmatron, Mr Bun and I would kick your asses.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 11:08:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If we lived in the same neighborhood I'd throw a snowball at you while my stuffed tiger build up a stockpile of winterly armaments.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-13 10:35:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Susie, for no reason.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-13 10:31:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I once knew a guy called Monkey Man. He pushed the carts in the parking lot of the local supermarket.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-10-13 10:09:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The TV set was blown out. Every BIT of it was gone, ever since the nightly news show that the monkey man was on.