The Worst Shit I've Ever Taken at Work (1770 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.85 on 64 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by FartSmeller (View user info) at 2006-10-13 13:52:03 EDT
Quite a different experience from the Greatest Shit of my Life: http://www.ubersite.com/m/85110
Friday the 13th meets Island Day here in the office.
Two bad omens, it seems, have combined to produce the single worst, most self-humiliating shit of my life.
After eating an unimpressive meal at Vincenzo's, the Italian place that inhabits the one building in town that can never hold a restaurant for more than 6 months, I and two coworkers returned to work, just shy of ten minutes late and praying to God that the remainder of the afternoon would pass quickly.
I stayed outside to smoke a cigarette, because I am cool. The first few drags went down smooth, like inhaling a Latin pop star wearing a velvet track suit and Ray Bans. At that point, I felt a sharp, stabbing pain in the vicinity of my colon, and I remember thinking to myself, "Man, I have to take a shit". My thought processes are not usually so direct and lackluster, but once the Shit Control Tower in my brain engages, there is nothing else.
Being the hardcore sonofabitch that I am, I figured I could tough it out. I wasn't about to waste three-quarters of a cigarette, dung or no dung. But, of course my petulant, whining torso had other ideas. I actually felt a gurgling bubble of (Gas? Pre-Fart Backdraft? Unimpinged Evil?) work its way from my esophagus to my asshole.
What part of the colon resides in the throat? I may never know.
Needless to say, I immediately eighty-sixed the smoke, knowing that I had only moments between spewing a geyser of liquid feces into the toilet or driving home naked from the waist down, head hung in shame. So, I chose to run for the bathroom inside. The key cooperated with the back door to the office, thankfully.
My pants' button is a different story.
For some reason, there is no human capacity for settling the urge to shit. Once the turds have themselves stacked up single-file in their little hidey hole like they are digging their own little English Channel Tunnel, there is no telling your body to just wait until you can get your pants down. Why? Why God?
The button would not cooperate. I tried frantically to undo the botton, but in my shit-sweats all I could do was paw helplessly at my pants. So, I tore my pants' button off. I tore it off. And, with all the grace of a killer whale pushing an ox cart over an ice flue, I boarded the toilet like an 18th century Marine grappling onto a pirate ship.
Then, Hell. My brown-eye opened like the hole in some horrible moist bagel and out erupted a gravity-assisted fire hydrant stream of shit. It was like tap water coming out of the faucet with soft-boiled eggs in it. The entire seven gallons of crap were out in one half of one second, and I was left to sit there, shaking, and stare at my pants button as it lay on the cold linoleum floor.
Was it the scallop-and-marsapone-cheese risotto I had for dinner last night? Was it the Budweiser that I washed it down with? Was it an unborn alien fetus, deposited in my abdomen to gestate while I slept? I don't know.
I do know that my ass then started burning. In fact, I had to sit there with my head in my hands and try not to weep as the wildfire in my anus raged out of control like someone had sutured a little piece of the forests of California into my butthole. I wiped-painfully. I dared not look at the toilet paper. Like if you've ever cut yourself while chopping veggies. You know something horrible is going on with part of your body but seeing it somehow makes it worse.
I had to pull my underwear up cautiously, I didn't want them catching fire.
And then it was over. I washed my hands, avoiding eye contact with myself in the mirror and returned to my desk to share the story.
Pray for me.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-12 14:13:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
poopreport.com
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-10-16 09:39:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"It was like tap water coming out of the faucet with soft-boiled eggs in it."
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-10-16 03:01:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WatchMyStep (user info) at 2006-10-15 20:45:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2006-10-15 14:12:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was maybe 2 maybe 3 weeks ago.
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2006-10-15 14:12:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have looked damn it! I want to know what was left in the bowl. Oh well! I always look at my poop especially if it's story worthy.
I pooped a whole full sized lima bean that was about as big as the letters below.
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-poopoop-
-ppooppo-
-pooppoo-
-pooppoo-
every bit that big.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2006-10-15 13:58:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...!
Submitted by Arizhel (user info) at 2006-10-15 01:02:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. The imagery.
Vivid. Disturbingly vivid.
Unborn alien fetuses notwithstanding.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2006-10-14 00:25:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Imagery
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-10-13 22:18:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That had to smell worse than a fat, unshaven french woman covered in fish guts eating a mold sandwich followed by a glass of expired lumpy milk inside of the septic tank of a construction site.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-10-13 21:01:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-10-13 21:01:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-10-13 20:44:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by yuvalset (user info) at 2006-10-13 19:05:01 (#)
Ranking: -2
lol shit story... shitty stor
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awww, looks like we got a little streak breaker here. How cute!
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-13 20:43:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-10-13 19:27:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh how I've missed you Matthew.
You have probably already read my shit story, but it doesn't hurt to bring it back up again. At least...it doesn't hurt you.
*Hangs head in shame*
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-10-13 19:26:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/74850
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2006-10-13 19:09:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
stupid pants button!
Submitted by yuvalset (user info) at 2006-10-13 19:05:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
lol shit story... shitty story
Submitted by RPharazon (user info) at 2006-10-13 18:54:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"but once the Shit Control Tower in my brain engages, there is nothing else."
Winner!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-13 18:16:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my head hurts
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Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:23:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
i feel sick now.
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2006-10-13 17:54:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nothing better than shitting except fucking. And both at once is just weird.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 17:23:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Poop poems:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/79963#1713553
http://www.ubersite.com/m/81853#1767508
http://www.ubersite.com/m/84091#1841277
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-10-13 17:09:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
On shits at work and other poop things.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/88547
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72991
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71846
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-13 17:07:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pretty awesome but I dont know about B@W
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2006-10-13 17:02:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh god. people are looking at me... because i'm laughing hysterically.
oh geeze... I couldn't type for a full five minutes!
THANK YOU.
(i'm sorry your bum is sore.)
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-13 16:58:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was left to sit there, shaking, and stare at my pants button as it lay on the cold linoleum floor
B@W
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2006-10-13 16:53:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliance!
Here's another classic to add to the shit post collective:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/32475
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-10-13 16:31:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-10-13 16:00:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
"And, with all the grace of a killer whale pushing an ox cart over an ice flue, I boarded the toilet like an 18th century Marine grappling onto a pirate ship"
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-13 16:09:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My brown-eye opened like the hole in some horrible moist bagel and out erupted a gravity-assisted fire hydrant stream of shit. It was like tap water coming out of the faucet with soft-boiled eggs in it.
Is it bad that I know this feeling?
(I had a HORRID 24-hour flue Wednesday... Dear lord...)
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-10-13 16:00:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"And, with all the grace of a killer whale pushing an ox cart over an ice flue, I boarded the toilet like an 18th century Marine grappling onto a pirate ship"
This is B@W quality, if even only for that line.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-10-13 15:56:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"avoiding eye contact with myself in the mirror"
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-13 15:53:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-13 15:52:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:17:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Shitting at work is teh awesome
http://www.ubersite.com/m/93331
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Someone with entirely too much free time (no not me) should pull all the shit story posts together. That would be het aweomse!
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-13 15:49:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
True to your name! I always enjoy these posts of yours and others as well. We are a sick sick lot us men. http://www.ubersite.com/m/77837
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-10-13 15:49:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOW
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-10-13 15:43:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-10-13 15:30:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, I will nigger an entire roll of toilet paper after one of those shits. I can't just wipe once, I'll have skidmarks like I-95.
Congratulations on being just as gross as me. I lost it at "moist bagel".
Submitted by nya_nyo (user info) at 2006-10-13 15:25:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
congrats, well done
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:59:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whatever. You fuckers KNOW you're gonna hum it in your head the next time you're sitting on the throne and feel everything shift inside of you.
The question is...will you time it so that the breaks in the song match up with your gas, or will you go for the gold and try to time the splashes???
THE CHOICE IS YOURS, WORLD!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:53:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Christ, Otron, that's horribubble!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:52:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear God...
O-Man, I have officially upgraded your mental condition from "raving lunatic" to "psycho hose beast."
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Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:48:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:38:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
However, if you happen to have an enjoyable experience, you'll love the song(s) you listened to. Or you can intentionally choreograph the experience. The 1812 Overture is terrific for this.
BA NA NA NA BA NA NA, NA NA - SPLOOT
BA NA NA NA BA NA NA, NA NA - PFFFFT
BA NA NA NA, BA NA NA NA, BA NA NAAA
BA NA NA NA BA NA NA, NA NA
BA - SPLAT
BA (PLOP) BA (PLOP) NAA
BA NA NA NA BA NA NA, NA NA
BA - SQUISH
BA (OH) BA (NOES) NAA
BA NA NA NA BA NA NA, NA NA
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This made me laugh like an idiot.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:46:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain.
In fact, I can almost smell your pain.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:38:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:24:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 13:59:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have listened to your iPod while birthing the beast. Tunes in your ear make everything better, even if it's the passing of a liter and a half of liquid waste that smells like the insides of a dysentery-stricken elephant on a hot day.
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The only downside to that is he would then associate the song he heard with this horrific event.
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This is why I can't listen to "Molly" by Sponge anymore. Sixteen candles weren't the only thing going down the drain THAT day.
However, if you happen to have an enjoyable experience, you'll love the song(s) you listened to. Or you can intentionally choreograph the experience. The 1812 Overture is terrific for this.
BA NA NA NA BA NA NA, NA NA - SPLOOT
BA NA NA NA BA NA NA, NA NA - PFFFFT
BA NA NA NA, BA NA NA NA, BA NA NAAA
BA NA NA NA BA NA NA, NA NA
BA - SPLAT
BA (PLOP) BA (PLOP) NAA
BA NA NA NA BA NA NA, NA NA
BA - SQUISH
BA (OH) BA (NOES) NAA
BA NA NA NA BA NA NA, NA NA
Submitted by rejected (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:34:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I took a shit one time that ripped my asshole open so wide all the contents of my nutsack spilled into the toilet. Now that is TUFF stuff.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:31:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nothing better than getting paid for taking a poo.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:31:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you only wiped once? jesus. this was super funny
here's my shitting at work tale of woe: http://www.ubersite.com/m/42961
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:25:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking hell!
My ribs hurt, because I'm reading this at the front desk, and there are about 15 people in my lobby whoM I'd rather not know what the hell I was doing.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:24:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 13:59:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have listened to your iPod while birthing the beast. Tunes in your ear make everything better, even if it's the passing of a liter and a half of liquid waste that smells like the insides of a dysentery-stricken elephant on a hot day.
------------------------------------
The only downside to that is he would then associate the song he heard with this horrific event.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:23:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i feel sick now.
Submitted by The_Perfect_Scrotum (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:21:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wrightcopy (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:20:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:17:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate the fact that I like this post. More than that, I hate the fact that I can relate to it.
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:17:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate the fact that I like this post. More than that, I hate the fact that I can relate to it.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:17:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shitting at work is teh awesome
http://www.ubersite.com/m/93331
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:15:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:14:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
horrifying
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Truly.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:14:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
horrifying
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:13:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate those but I love this post.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:05:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy fuck, man. This was hilarious.
I loved stuff like this...
The first few drags went down smooth, like inhaling a Latin pop star wearing a velvet track suit and Ray Bans.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:02:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unfortunately this means that you might have graduated to "ShitSmeller" now.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:00:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks, OG. I tried to sum up the general idea of the post with a cleverly-worded title.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 13:59:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lovely title, too, by the way.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 13:59:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have listened to your iPod while birthing the beast. Tunes in your ear make everything better, even if it's the passing of a liter and a half of liquid waste that smells like the insides of a dysentery-stricken elephant on a hot day.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-13 13:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you're having a "sharp, stabbing pain in the vicinity of your colon," usually that's a sign of hemorrhoids. I'm not shitting you (pun intended). Go see a doctor.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-13 13:55:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BRAVO!
I posted my worst workplace shit up here last week.