If you bring a gun to a restaurant, the bill is free (1191 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.88 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (View user info) at 2006-10-13 14:12:31 EDT
"Excuse me sir, what is that?" The snotty waiter said from his position standing behind me.
"Look I get it I'm going bald alright people don't need to point it out everywhere I go! It's bad enough that Google Earth has a high-def picture of it!" I said indignant. What has happened to wait staff these days? Back in the day I could grab a waitresses ass and call her 'toots' without it being a big deal. I do it to ONE black guy and everyone loses their fucking cool.
That's the way society is nowadays I guess.
"No sir I mean that on the table." He said correcting himself.
Let me set the scene. One of those swank restaurants you only see in the movies where all the lights shine blue in ultra modern styled lamps that are for each individual table and way too expensive. One of those restaurants you only see in the movies and think 'man I would really love to write an Ubersite post about an experience I had in one of those restaurants'. One of those restaurants where all the names are in French even though the escargot I ordered were just snails!
Okay I lied it was a sports bar/restaurant/day care center called "Glory Days".
And it was then I realized what thing on the table he was talking about.
"What you mean this?" I asked picking up the MP5 sub-machinegun I had sitting on the table and waved it around. The waiter ducked to the ground in an alarmed crouch.
"Don't worry I won't shoot you." I said.
"That's good." Mr. Waiter replied.
"Bullets are expensive and I bet the sound of your neck breaking under a judo chop would be much more satisfying than riddling your weak human body with holes."
The waiter coughed politely.
"Well sir I'm going to have to ask you to leave." He said. I leaped to my feet for two reasons, one I was annoyed my dinner experience was being ruined, and two it made it more difficult for him to look at my bald spot.
"What? I'm sorry I live in the mother fucking U of the mother fucking S of the mother fucking A! Second amendment and all that shit! America! FUCK YEAH!" I screamed in his left-wing commie face. People around started pointing at my gun and beginning to leave the restaurant because they too were indignant that my right to bare extremely dangerous weapons in public was being infringed on. A couple of them were screaming they were so upset with his leftist bull shit.
"Please sir calm down I really just want you to take your... uhm.... Is that a blow up doll?" He asked pointing to my dinner partner.
"What, her? That's Cindy. She doesn't talk much because I trained her not to. You know women, yak yak yak." I said, and then began nudging his side. "Eh? Eh? You know what I'm talking about."
"Regardless of your sexual preference for oddly shaped plastic blow up figures, I am still going to have to ask you to leave if you refuse to put away your firearm." He said motioning to the door. A few other waiters and a cook had entered the room and were watching.
That's when I realized they were in a textbook enflankment manuever on a fixed position! Clever bastards! I knew what I had to do. I reached slowly.....SLOWLY for Cindy's lifeless, outstretched hand.
"Okay... I know when I'm not wanted. The broken glass in my caesar salad wasn't even that good." I said taking Cindy's hand which was shaped just perfectly to stick a penis in it. It's odd how women come like that. Legs spread, mouth open, hands cupped. Just like that time I saw my mom with the next door neighbor in her room.
"Hey buddy." I said turning to the waiter.
"What?"
"CATCH!" I yelled throwing Cindy at him. He caught her out of mid air and by doing so revealed his military training. If I wasn't mistaken he had been trained at the Polish school of International Killery and Subterfuge.
I spun quickly in my spot and sprayed bullets behind me taking down two of the waiters at once because I don't want to have a long fight scene since I'm tired.
Cindy didn't distract Mr. Waiter very long, he threw her to the side and picked up one of the table knives and began stabbing at me. The cook picked a hockey stick from off one of the wall displays and came charging at me.
Mr. Waiter dove and stabbed the knife into my side making me scream out.
"OH BUTTERNUTS!" I yelled out. The cook stumbled mid stride and Mr. Waiter cracked a smile.
"You say 'butternuts' when you get injured?" He asked grinning. I turned a shade of puce in embarressment. Which is something I do. "That's so gay."
"Dude don't even fucking start. It's an old habit from preschool. DON'T YOU BE DISSIN' MRS. THOMAS'S PRESCHOOL CLASS! CLASS OF 1990 REPRESENT!." I said before emptying a few rounds into his chest dropping him to the ground. The cook swung the hockey stick at me, connecting with my head and knocking me to the ground. I spun to my back and raised my gun at him and pulled the trigger.
*CLICK CLICK* It said signalling that I was out of ammunition despite the extended clip I had in it. It always jams at the most dramatic parts of a fight. What good is this damn thing?
The cook grinned and stood over me about to swing the hockey stick down on me. Probably not a killing blow, but it'd hurt. I had to think of something if I didn't want a bruise.
And something I did think of.
I thought of stomping puppies, which really has nothing to do with the story, but I think about that occasionally.
During the fighting someone had knocked my broken glass riddled salad to the ground and I reached out for it. Grabbing it I slung broken glass and lettuce into the cook's face causing him to cry out in pain. Now that the dramatic moment was over the gun worked properly so I shot him a few times and he died. I stood up and walked over to Mr. Waiter who was on the floor in a pool of his own blood.
"I'm.... I'm dying..." He muttered. My face lit up.
"Dude I have to say a really inspiring line before you die! Okay uh... hold on man don't die yet let me think." I said and began thinking. This stuff is hard to come up with off the fly.
"Okay I got it!" I said and the room darkened to give me more gravitas.
"You think dying is hard, try taking a life." I said.
He blinked at me.
"That's stupid." He said before expiring.
Because of the shitty service I not only didn't tip, I made them tip me the amount the meal cost! Just like last time.
"Come on Cindy." I said walking into the sunset.
"Let's go make fuck."
User Reviews
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2006-12-21 23:07:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-12-21 22:25:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
make fuck.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-12-21 22:42:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-12-21 22:25:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
make fuck.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-16 02:16:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-16 02:01:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-15 21:13:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:37:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG LIEK IT'S CLASSIC H_V COMEDEE
I was in high school when you were in preschool.
___________________
Heh. I probably graduated high school before either of you were born.
Funny stuff, HV...
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-10-15 20:57:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ok.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-10-15 20:54:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For the title. I haven't read it yet.
Submitted by WatchMyStep (user info) at 2006-10-15 20:49:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-10-15 10:16:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-10-15 03:19:08 (#)
Ranking: -2
I know what you were trying to do with this but YOU FAILED MISERABLY
=======
Of p_i_b, where would Ubersite be without your constant displays of idiocy?
Why don't you go back to being banned george? It's just more pleasureable for all of us.
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-10-15 03:19:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I know what you were trying to do with this but YOU FAILED MISERABLY
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2006-10-15 03:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*enrolling in the Polish school of International Killery and Subterfuge.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-15 02:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:48:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
I wasn't in Beat It. I was Thug/Backup Dancer #8 in "Bad" though.
The guy with the tank top that read "My other ride is your mom."
Did a lot of high kicks. Doing those in Doc Martens is harder than you'd think.
========
HEH
Submitted by Arizhel (user info) at 2006-10-15 00:43:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"OH BUTTERNUTS!"
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2006-10-14 20:52:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Butternuts.
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2006-10-14 15:24:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-10-14 14:07:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:)
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-10-13 23:58:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Also:
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-13 15:05:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
Randomly absurd. You have pleased me. Well, comic wise that is, not sexually or anyth...(looks down)...well I'll be damned.
============
BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-10-13 23:54:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Everyone is fixed on the date I said I was in preschool, that is an estimated date. I don't know when I was there. Hardly anyone goes to the reunions anymore.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-10-13 21:00:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-13 20:45:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good posts today.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-13 19:21:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Don't worry I won't shoot you." I said.
"That's good." Mr. Waiter replied.
You had a +2 from there. There are too many other lines to quote.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-10-13 18:24:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking brilliant
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-13 17:40:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Polish school of International Killery and Subterfuge"
This is just chock-full of goodness!
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-13 17:01:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"It's odd how women come like that. Legs spread, mouth open, hands cupped. Just like that time I saw my mom with the next door neighbor in her room." +2 just for that. Pretty fucking funny sir voltage. And to Sac's comment about being in high school when you were in preschool, I say FUCK I feel old, I was already done with highschool and 3 years of college!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-13 16:08:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aMErICA..FcuK yeahhhhh!!!!1111111111
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-10-13 15:41:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This what would happen if you could distill marijuana and turn it into a post.
Submitted by swine_powered_hate_machine (user info) at 2006-10-13 15:32:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"A couple of them were screaming they were so upset with his leftist bull shit."
Nice.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-10-13 15:28:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This one time, I threw a squirrel at a guy. Then I found a dollar.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-10-13 15:20:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
""You say 'butternuts' when you get injured?" He asked grinning. I turned a shade of puce in embarressment. Which is something I do. "That's so gay.""
Funny stuff.
Submitted by rillins (user info) at 2006-10-13 15:17:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny how women are always shaped that way...
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-13 15:05:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Randomly absurd. You have pleased me. Well, comic wise that is, not sexually or anyth...(looks down)...well I'll be damned.
Submitted by DuiTicket (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:54:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:50:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This sucked royally.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:48:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:41:08 (#)
Ranking: 1
This is why I always roll with a baseball bat and a butterfly knife.
--------
Like you did in the gang fight scene in Michael Jackson's Beat It video?
---
I wasn't in Beat It. I was Thug/Backup Dancer #8 in "Bad" though.
The guy with the tank top that read "My other ride is your mom."
Did a lot of high kicks. Doing those in Doc Martens is harder than you'd think.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:43:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:37:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG LIEK IT'S CLASSIC H_V COMEDEE
I was in high school when you were in preschool.
----------------------------------------------
I was almost there *WEEPS*
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:41:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:29:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
It always jams at the most dramatic parts of a fight.
---
This is why I always roll with a baseball bat and a butterfly knife.
--------
Like you did in the gang fight scene in Michael Jackson's Beat It video?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:40:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm just trying to keep it short, since most of the time you just want me to shut up. This one time, at Keyboarding Camp...
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:37:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG LIEK IT'S CLASSIC H_V COMEDEE
I was in high school when you were in preschool.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:29:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It always jams at the most dramatic parts of a fight.
---
This is why I always roll with a baseball bat and a butterfly knife.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:27:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:25:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story. One thing... Leapt, not leaped.
=======
Well said. Now if you'll excuse me I have to tighten my testicle vice in punishment for the error.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:25:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story. One thing... Leapt, not leaped.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:23:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I found glass in my shepherd's pie once.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:22:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"DON'T YOU BE DISSIN' MRS. THOMAS'S PRESCHOOL CLASS! CLASS OF 1990 REPRESENT!"
.........thanks for reminding me how old I am.....jerk.
Your butternuts comment made me think of Butters exclamation of "Oh hamburgers!" and made me laugh. All is forgiven. FOR NOW.
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:20:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I thought of stomping puppies, which really has nothing to do with the story, but I think about that occasionally."
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:15:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"OH BUTTERNUTS"
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:14:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There aren't many comedy posts on the front page. That's my excuse.