Rudeness Seems to Ripen with Age: The Best Buy Incident (956 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.75 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (View user info) at 2006-10-15 16:23:44 EDT
Old people seem to outlive their usefulness after their first stroke. It's a horrible thing to say, I know; but, I say these horrible things so you don't have to. I sacrifice for you, my reader.
Let me break it down white boy style:
What are you doing in the fast lane, Grandpa?! Fast is not the 2 horsepower, Ford Model T original production model with the top speed of gallop that you have become accustomed to in all of your 150 years. Seriously, if you're not in a recliner telling me stories about WWII, you're about as useless to me as my dick having taste buds. GET OFF THE ROAD! Legally blind people have no reason to drive besides a killing spree.
While going there, I need to ask about the ads for blind persons' charities asking for the donation of old vehicles. What the fuck? And, why is there Braille on the drive-up ATM? Why does my incumbent governor try to hide the reason as to why he has a blind running mate and why did his running mate refer to their first encounter as the first time that she SAW him? You're blind. I get it. That's a shitty handicap. Does observational humor completely go over a blind person's head?
Hey, crazy change lady at the grocery store! Stop it already. I know that barter and precious metal currency holds a dear place in your heart. You're making me fucking batshit over here. If I wanted an adventure at the grocery store, I'd blow the gay clerk in front of some children. Paper money weighs less and can leave you more of your precious strength to carry your oxygen tank and liver spots.
I feel so mean sometimes with all of the contempt that I have for senior citizens.
In Best Buy this afternoon, I had the distinct pleasure of having an aging Mae West bruise my crotch with an artificial hip. She must have got in before the switch to plastic because that fucking thing was pointy. Upon arriving at the register to complete my purchase of the new Citizen Cope album, she returned to the girl working the register to point out a discrepancy on her receipt. Disregarding the fact that I was mid-purchase and occupying the space that she yearned for, she misplaced her manners for something far more pressing - 35 cents. In a mix of "ughs" and grunts, she brings this to the cashier's attention, evidencing that she most definitely pre-dates spoken word communication.
Not wanting to cause a scene or an emergency angioplasty, I bit my tongue. Then, I spit the blood of anger upon her.
"Excuse me, ma'am. I am standing here and you're being quite rude. Why don't you take a breather and wait until I'm done?" I said.
It wasn't what I wanted to say. Hell, it wasn't what I wanted to do. I don't age-discriminate against rude people. I was half-tempted to press her medic-alert bracelet to preemptively get the meat wagon there.
"Why don't you go fuck off?" She asked very politely.
My anger was well founded. An elderly woman asked me to fuck off in the most polite of manners, while she showed no others given the situation. I would not be outdone by a barely living, mouth breathing trollop. This cunt had no idea with whom she was messing.
Given the limited amount of time that I had, retribution needed to great and swift. And covert.
Chewing gum of the green variety is not camouflaged well in silver hair. However, without eyes in the back of one's head, green chewing gum or not, the back of one's hair is not readily visible. A simple bump technique as a subterfuge would suffice. She stumbled slightly as I bumped back into her merchandise and gave me look that could boil water. The cashier saw what I had accomplished and I believe that I am now a hero in her eyes.
She should have never been rude. Unfortunately, given the covert action that I took, she'll not learn her lesson. No matter. I'll rest comfortably tonight knowing that she'll probably die soon.
Does mashing a wad of gum in an old broad's hair make you a bad person? Even if she's a rude old bitch?
User Reviews
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-11-08 14:30:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You talking about Cancun Cantina? I was there about 2 months ago. I have an underage girlfriend so I don't hit the bars too often. Mainly, I go to Bill Bateman's in Severna Park - literally walking distance from my house as I am known to get tanked.
When I used to live downtown, I was at the bars all of the time. I probably be moving back in the spring.
My best friend lives in Aspen Park on Mountain Road. We used to go to Bamboo Bernies quite frequently.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-11-08 14:14:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's cool, you're right down the road from me. I rent a house in Pasadena, off Mountain Rd. Go to the Cantina much or you like Naptown better?
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-11-08 14:02:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That's cool. I almost bought a house there. Now, I live in good ole Severna Park.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-11-08 13:05:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Born and bred in Edgewater, my friend :)
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-11-08 12:49:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-11-08 12:25:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
You must have been at the Annapolis Best Buy.
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Spot on. You from the area?
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-11-08 12:25:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You must have been at the Annapolis Best Buy.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-10-16 17:57:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:22:04 (#)
Ranking: 1
I just spent $3300 at Best Buy last week and I encountered zero rudeness...probably because of the $3300.
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Honestly, the amount of money spent really didn't have anything to do with this. She was just some old bitch that felt that she was way more important than manners.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-16 17:47:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bitch had it coming, though I would have worked on her other hip I thinks!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/90116
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-16 17:17:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm getting to be very prejudice against old people for the same reason.
Semi-related note: One of my grandmothers said the other day that she doesn't think women doctors know what they're doing. Welcome to 1918.
Submitted by rejected (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:27:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was my grandma. She is rich and I hope she dies soon too. Good show.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:22:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I just spent $3300 at Best Buy last week and I encountered zero rudeness...probably because of the $3300.
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:14:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-10-16 14:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well deserved. Spot on.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-16 14:16:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why I carry a lighter and a can of hairspray with me at all times - having a portable flamethrower defuses these types of situations
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-16 10:39:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-10-16 10:06:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nah, my girlfriend wouldn't appreciate it.
Submitted by scrumdown (user info) at 2006-10-16 09:52:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Taste buds on your dick would bring a whole new plane of wonderful to sticking it in the mashed potatoes!
Best Buy checkout girls are usually kinda cute. Maybe you can work that hero angle. If underage girls are your thing and all. I'm not judging.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-10-16 09:35:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-10-16 09:31:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
Shoulda slapped her in the face with your dick.
Or at least threaten to.
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Wouldn't have reached.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-10-16 09:31:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shoulda slapped her in the face with your dick.
Or at least threaten to.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-10-16 09:24:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't discriminate - hate everyone.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-16 09:08:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She can take her 35 cents and buy a pack of gum.
That makes no sense.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-16 09:05:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Exactly why I don't see the point in respecting people older than me, just because of their age.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-10-16 08:55:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Are you not entertained? Midgets need extra-small tamborines to play for the background jingling that I require!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-16 08:52:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You're evil.
Can't say I don't wish I hadn't thought of this, though.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-10-16 06:35:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Should have shit on her Cadillac too.
Submitted by piezod (user info) at 2006-10-16 06:30:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-10-16 02:10:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
your dick doesn't have tastebuds?
Submitted by DuiTicket (user info) at 2006-10-16 02:00:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
evil but cool
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-16 01:53:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-16 01:46:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahaha.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-10-15 22:51:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well written
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-10-15 21:57:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY crap the same thing happened to me at the market the other day with this old man. He was all, "I thought this was supposed to be the EXPRESS lane!" And I was like, "That was rude... carry on, cashier."
I hate old people. No exceptions.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-15 21:53:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MIssed ya Terry.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-10-15 21:10:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're such a liar. Or, at the very least, an exaggerator. There's no way that you did anything remotely mean or rude to anyone, let alone a blue-hair.
I always wondered about the braile stuff. It pops up (pun puN!) in the oddest places.
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-10-15 20:54:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I WILL EAT YOU COMPLETLOU
Submitted by WatchMyStep (user info) at 2006-10-15 20:39:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-10-15 16:35:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
See you there. I'll be the guy directing traffic with the pitchfork.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-15 16:35:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this. Good show.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2006-10-15 16:32:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yes it does, and you're going straight to hell.