Intro (320 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.48 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Aesthetic (View user info) at 2006-10-15 17:51:56 EDT
Looking back on it I would have done things differently, I would have made the different decisions that were for the better in the long run. The little things that were once so big would become worthless even then. My eyes would be more open to actions and consequences. Gambling a little bit of money with friends is fine, but double or quits on a career and peoples lives just to make yourself better is about as non altruistic as it gets. All my life I thought I was destined for big things, I was meant to change the world, I was going to do something to better the planet we live on. And nothing was going to stand in my way. I wouldn't, didn't let it. What happened became a force I reckoned with, lived and dealt with, thought I had the upper hand on. Every time it took control over myself, everything I had, I would precariously take said control back. Each time congratulating myself for having the control, when all along it was one step ahead me.
'It' refers to the house I once lived in, happily as it were, a nice little dwelling I had set up for myself and my then fiancé. When I start talking like this the people here tell me I'm crazy, the drugs had meddled my mind up. But it was all false, what did they know about how I had lived once upon a time, how could they know how important balance had once been in my life?
I still remember everything so clearly, vividly. The first glimpses of the beautiful house, the first minutes spent inside, how those minutes turned quickly to hours. I remembered the wooden smell, how it had a hint of daisy's in the air, the sandy smell as I opened the bare cupboards all around the house. Every time I replay the memories the same fondness that was immediately felt swells back into my heart, making me smile contently. Until the resentment kicks in, the heavy weight of hate dropping quickly, its ton load squashing out any positive thought to all those negative ones. Cause that's the way it is, balance has to be played out.
The morning grass was filled with Dew as we drove peacefully up through the cemetery, past the ancient angelic church and into the grounds far out back. I remember perfectly the way a funeral was playing itself out, the mourners dressed in black around a casket contrasting the light of the sun as it beat down. It was a humid summer morning, the tyres screeched as I broke hard into the driveway, gravel flaying everywhere from the back two tyres.
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It'll appear as a big block again, so I guess you'll all have something to whine about.
This is an introduction to something I have to hand in for an assignment. If you are going to call it lame, or whatever, say why. Constructive Critism is the way for improvement afterall.
User Reviews
Submitted by YellowDragon (user info) at 2006-10-17 04:23:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
time check. please ignore.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-10-15 22:29:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Looking back on it I would have done things differently, I would have made the different decisions that were for the better in the long run.
This isn't a proper sentence and it has weak, cliche, wording. ie "Looking back on it" & "in the long run"
"The little things that were once so big would become worthless even then."
Big?
"My eyes would be more open to actions and consequences."
More open than what? I mean, say something, not something relative to something else that isn't mentioned.
"Gambling a little bit of money with friends is fine, but double or quits on a career and peoples lives just to make yourself better is about as non altruistic as it gets."
yourself *feel* better....people's
"All my life I thought I was destined for big things, I was meant to change the world, I was going to do something to better the planet we live on."
Kinda cliche. This can be better said. Also, this is 3 sentences. You can't just throw a comma and roll a new thought. I understand that these ideas are connected and need flow, but you have to use a semicolon or just rephrase how you're saying it.
"And nothing was going to stand in my way. I wouldn't, didn't let it. What happened became a force I reckoned with, lived and dealt with, thought I had the upper hand on. Every time it took control over myself, everything I had, I would precariously take said control back."
I would say "of me" rather than "over myself." Something about it seems somehow awkward. Also, that's not really how I think of "precarious."
"Each time congratulating myself for having the control, when all along it was one step ahead me."
Odd tense usage. I would congratulate? The next sentence is about it so, I would think there should be a comma after along, so as to give "it" more character and definition.
"'It' refers to the house I once lived in, happily as it were, a nice little dwelling I had set up for myself and my then fiancé."
This is really loaded. Say something about the house or the fiance next. It seems like it was all coming to this house and possibly this chick but then you mention it and drift off instantly.
"When I start talking like this the people here tell me I'm crazy, the drugs had meddled my mind up."
like this, the people...crazy. The drugs...mind.
"But it was all false, what did they know about how I had lived once upon a time, how could they know how important balance had once been in my life?"
?
"I still remember everything so clearly, vividly. The first glimpses of the beautiful house, the first minutes spent inside, how those minutes turned quickly to hours. I remembered the wooden smell, how it had a hint of daisy's in the air, the sandy smell as I opened the bare cupboards all around the house."
daisies...period after cupboards.
"Every time I replay the memories the same fondness that was immediately felt swells back into my heart, making me smile contently. Until the resentment kicks in, the heavy weight of hate dropping quickly, its ton load squashing out any positive thought to all those negative ones. Cause that's the way it is, balance has to be played out."
When you start a sentence with "Until," you make the reader slip into the concept of Until something, then something. Like, Until I go to the store, we won't have bread. You're using it purely as a timing word, which is an awkward usage. Also, you can't squash out something "to" something. It doesn't make sense.
"The morning grass was filled with Dew as we drove peacefully up through the cemetery, past the ancient angelic church and into the grounds far out back. I remember perfectly the way a funeral was playing itself out, the mourners dressed in black around a casket contrasting the light of the sun as it beat down. It was a humid summer morning, the tyres screeched as I broke hard into the driveway, gravel flaying everywhere from the back two tyres."
Tires. Also, tires don't screech on gravel. And gravel doesn't flay.
Submitted by Ragman (user info) at 2006-10-15 21:46:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
nice, apart from various people whining that its not as good writing cos of the way its formatted, because that makes such a big difference, in fact didnt tolstoy get turned down for publication the first time cos its was a bit hard on the eyes, so he had a big print version made, with pictures, and little tabs you could pull so the people in the pictures moved. Anyway, i liked that, something a little different, i actually stopped looking for porn and read this.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-10-15 21:14:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There's a preview button?
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-15 20:11:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Aesthetic (user info) at 2006-10-15 18:15:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
Spam: I dont use ubersite much. I copied it, pasted it and pressed submit. If the formatting is bad and the spelling is crappy I'll sort it out for my class lecturer. But on here I really dont care.
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I'm sorry, but why did you post it then?
If you wanted feedback, it seems like you could have made at least the slightest effort.
Submitted by Aesthetic (user info) at 2006-10-15 18:58:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-10-15 18:26:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
well then neither do I.
Submitted by Aesthetic (user info) at 2006-10-15 18:15:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Spam: I dont use ubersite much. I copied it, pasted it and pressed submit. If the formatting is bad and the spelling is crappy I'll sort it out for my class lecturer. But on here I really dont care.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-10-15 18:13:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That's what the preview button is for.
Submitted by Aesthetic (user info) at 2006-10-15 18:13:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
English Language.
It's part of the coursework, to do 2 peices of creative writing. A story seems like the easiest idea, so I have to write the introduction, first chapter then a summary of how it goes after that.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-15 18:10:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What sort of class are you doing it for?
Also I've never had anyone "counter-act" my ratings. Jesus.
Submitted by Aesthetic (user info) at 2006-10-15 18:06:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh also, in: "The morning grass was filled with Dew," the only reason you should have capitalized the word dew is if you were referring to Mountain Dew.
Word does that automatically. I would have changed it when i pasted it onto here but I forgot.
This is only for an A level assignment, and it's one of my first attempts at a proper story.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-15 18:04:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 to counterract Ghola.
I thought this was good.
Submitted by Aesthetic (user info) at 2006-10-15 18:04:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I know, but when I write it in word it's actuallynot that much of a big block. It just looks like a proper sized introduction, and I don't tend to break the introduction up.
I don't know why.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-10-15 18:02:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and I should mention that the +2 is only to counter out the slew of -2's you're going to get because of the shity formating. I would normally rate this 1 or 0.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-10-15 18:01:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
other than the needless bitch at the end, this wasn't bad.
you want constructive criticism though? - DON'T WRITE IN ONE BIG FUCKING BLOCK OF TEXT.
seriously, you obviously knew it was a problem because you've mentioned it a the end, andif you already knew it was a problem - why the fuck didn't you sort it out? I mean, how hard is it to press enter an extra time at the end of the paragraph? It makes it so much easier to read if you break it up.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-15 17:58:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
"Looking back on it I would have done things differently, I would have made the different decisions that were for the better in the long run."
That's a run on sentence.
"The little things that were once so big" and "My eyes would be more open" are both sort of cliché. Use more original language.
"peoples lives" should be possessive.
The rest of your piece is full of run on sentences and fragments, making it pretty much incoherent.
Oh also, in: "The morning grass was filled with Dew," the only reason you should have capitalized the word dew is if you were referring to Mountain Dew.
Work on sentence structure and write with your own words.