I'm Married! Does this Mean I Finally Have to Tell Her I Have Herpes? (3152 hits)
Category: NewsLabels: ets_comedy_writing ets_nonfiction
Rating: 1.48 on 134 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (View user info) at 2006-10-16 14:23:28 EDT
Yea, as of Friday, October 13th, 2006, I, electrictoothsyndrome, am officially hitched.
I suggested that date because it was on that date 699 years ago that many of the Knights Templar were tortured and beheaded for heresy. The remaining members were forced out of France, to wander the mountains of Switzerland and Spain, eventually settling in Scotland, as legend has it. That day is considered the origin of triskaidekaphobia (the superstitious fear of the number '13') and the most accursed day of the year. Even so, $1 million says I STILL forget my anniversary at some point.
I always thought I'd feel different after I got married, but I really don't. Well, maybe I do feel a little more secure in our relationship, but that might just be because we live in the same country now and can place our hands directly on each other's genitalia without that pesky USB-controlled "turbo" thingy.
Either way, I celebrate this newfound security now by routinely farting in bed and burping in her mouth when we kiss. Those of you who have ever tried this know what I'm talking about. You undoubtedly still have the image of her face in your mind...frozen in mute disbelief at what just happened.
It is a thing to behold.
As a segue, has anyone ever played "Turtle"?
Does anyone besides me know how to play Turtle?
No?
Ok, here's how it works: you and your bedmate stick your heads under the covers and take turns farting until one of you has to come up for air. That person is now the "Turtle" and they obviously lose. It's kinda like Axis and Allies™ or Risk™, only with more strategy.
This game has it's origins in the classic: "Last One There is a Rotten Egg". Only in this game, being last is a good thing, and you can actually experience the rotten eggs first hand.
There are versions of this game that involve more than two players, but I don't suggest introducing this version into the royal bed chambers until at least your 15th wedding anniversary when you've both grown tired of the same ol' routine and built up a tolerance to the ass-toxins. Otherwise, you will end up like a canary in a coal mine.
If there was a world championship for Turtle, I think I'd have a pretty good shot at the title. The fact that one of my nostrils is closed off due to an old sports injury involving a baseball bat to the face would pose a distinct advantage. Plus, while I reportedly have some pretty foul smelling farts, I happen to enjoy them. It's like getting to experience my lunch two times a day instead of one.
This immunity to my own farts is like having one of those highly-advanced weapons that will not fire if pointed at yourself or your own troops, only the enemy troops. It's like having a precision biological weapon up your asshole and the arrogant swagger that comes with knowing that only YOU have the antidote.
Moving from effect to cause...another sure sign of this marital security might be the beer gut I have so gently and lovingly nursed to ripeness. This beer gut has become my own relentless dirty bomb factory, working overtime to ensure I remain on the cutting edge of fart technology.
Inside, I imagine tiny men in hazmat suits with beakers full of acidic substances running around conducting experiments, seeing what kind of new gaseous aromas they can produce.
I harbor deep resentment for those who would accuse me of having simply let myself go in anticipation of not having to compete for pussy anymore. This isn't the case at all. It's actually part of a strategic, forward-thinking disaster plan.
In the event of a devastating flood, earthquake, or Republican-controlled congress I will be able to live off the excess beer carbs stored up in this gentle protrusion of my midsection, while chivilrously hunting for food to feed my helpless, loving wife. Like a sexually attractive camel hump, my well-rounded beer belly tells of my survivability in hard times and the extent of my readiness.
So, in reality, while it might SEEM like a sign of laziness, it is in fact a carefully calculated move designed to protect the homestead from the tragedy of starvation.
Now if I could only find a way to increase my mobility...
User Reviews
Submitted by Snuffleupagus (user info) at 2006-11-15 02:50:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"It's kinda like Axis and Allies™ or Risk™, only with more strategy."\
Mentioning Axis and Allies is an auto +2.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-11-15 02:20:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wait, so this was real?
well fuck me with razorblades. congratulations, yous guys!
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-10-22 17:53:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh boy!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-10-22 17:45:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
congrats!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-22 12:08:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-10-18 14:52:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-10-17 23:59:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
i love it when people say 'green card' to Brits.
It's not like we're Lebanese....getting a Green Card or Citizenship is actually a step down for us.*
====
Testify.
__________________________
Then why are you here? Why not a hut in Botswana?
Pay no attention to that website behind the curtain...
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-10-20 09:39:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-10-19 15:25:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
congratulations, you rat bastard
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-19 13:21:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2006-10-19 08:34:54 (#)
Ranking: 0
Since when do Brits need a green card?
I thought all we needed to do was carry a Union Jack and plant in the ground of whatever land we decided was ours.
Although, if I recall correctly, the last time I did that in Boston the Yanks didn't take too kindly to it. You would think that after 200+ years they would be able to take a joke.
And understand irony.
Or not.
------------------
hahahah
Just don't carry the flag of England. No one here will recognize it. ;)
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-10-19 11:19:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What's the bill/act/law that says we must use our real names if we bash the president?
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2006-10-19 08:34:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Since when do Brits need a green card?
I thought all we needed to do was carry a Union Jack and plant in the ground of whatever land we decided was ours.
Although, if I recall correctly, the last time I did that in Boston the Yanks didn't take too kindly to it. You would think that after 200+ years they would be able to take a joke.
And understand irony.
Or not.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2006-10-18 15:04:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rock on. Congrats, guys... I never expected a REAL uber wedding but hey, good job. Glad ya'll are happy.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-10-18 14:52:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-10-17 23:59:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
i love it when people say 'green card' to Brits.
It's not like we're Lebanese....getting a Green Card or Citizenship is actually a step down for us.*
====
Testify.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-18 14:49:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey, thanks Jack.
When are you gonna grace us with another song or two? Miss having you around.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-10-18 14:47:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey brad,
good for you. congratulations, and may the best of your past be the worst of your future.
good luck to you and your filthy wife.
ps: my wife always wins when we play turtle.
Submitted by Tracer0351 (user info) at 2006-10-18 14:32:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats!
Forget the wedding pic's. If Filthy's involved, I want to see the honeymoon pic's!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-18 13:34:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
for being Hot Willie
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-10-18 11:12:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats guys, hope it was a good party.
Submitted by GMCrayon (user info) at 2006-10-18 06:39:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ignore Greening he's just a sad piece of shit. Congrats dude.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-10-17 23:59:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i love it when people say 'green card' to Brits.
It's not like we're Lebanese....getting a Green Card or Citizenship is actually a step down for us.*
*Only joking Dept Homeland Security - i wuv you really.
Congrats.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-10-17 18:57:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-10-17 03:27:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-16 21:04:09 (#)
Ranking: -2
Yay! Green card for Filthy! WOO!
__________________
...it's like he really believes he's people.
===
YES!
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-17 16:08:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-10-17 03:27:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-16 21:04:09 (#)
Ranking: -2
Yay! Green card for Filthy! WOO!
__________________
Hahahahahahaha.
He just gets sadder.. and sadder... and sadder.... it's like he really believes he's people.
----
ahahahahaha
I love Circe.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-10-17 15:58:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations.
Wedding pictures?
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2006-10-17 14:53:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This just means I have to foot the bill for double the amount of anti-psychotic medication for the two of you.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-17 13:37:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well.... in that case..
AHEM.... ATTN: BRITISH MENZ!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-10-17 10:42:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
You're the second couple I now know of that have met online and resulted in marriage. Funny, the other couple is an American lady with a British dude. I still think it would be weird to even meet in person anyone I met online, let alone marry them. But the times they are a changin'.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-17 13:24:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you do it properly? You know, at the courthouse with a paid witness and no family members present?
I would also like to see wedding pictures (i have no idea WHY really but i guess it's no stranger than marrying someone from the internet, so there you have it anyway) but refuse to add my name to that string below.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-10-17 12:15:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're not going to reproduce, are you?
Submitted by Life101 (user info) at 2006-10-17 12:00:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-10-17 11:55:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your children will take over the world.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-10-17 11:47:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool. Congratulations.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-10-17 10:42:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're the second couple I now know of that have met online and resulted in marriage. Funny, the other couple is an American lady with a British dude. I still think it would be weird to even meet in person anyone I met online, let alone marry them. But the times they are a changin'.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-10-17 10:28:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by IntangibleHands (user info) at 2006-10-16 21:31:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Remember when you first stumbled onto this place? Did you ever once think that you would meet your future wife in this god-forsaken corner of the internet? Very Surreal.
------------------------
what're you fucking kidding me? should it really surprise anyone that ets found a wife online?
Submitted by Happily_Agnostic (user info) at 2006-10-17 08:53:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2006-10-17 08:12:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, that puts all my recent relationship failures into perspective.
Congratulations.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-10-17 06:41:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well blow me down! This is wonderful news!
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2006-10-17 06:21:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats!
It's all well and good while you're just burping in her mouth, but God help you when you follow through with a little bit of puke.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-17 06:18:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-16 22:50:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Who's the lucky guy?
hahahahaha
Seriously, congrats Brad, now you can legally lock her in the attic and feed her a bucket of fish heads a day
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-10-17 04:30:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-10-17 00:28:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
If any South Africans or Australians want the dubious honour of being the second, I'm due some vacation time.
--------
*raises hand and clicks tongue*
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-17 03:32:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats.
Insert uber witticism here
here
and here.
Word.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-10-17 03:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-16 21:04:09 (#)
Ranking: -2
Yay! Green card for Filthy! WOO!
__________________
Hahahahahahaha.
He just gets sadder.. and sadder... and sadder.... it's like he really believes he's people.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-10-17 03:22:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have invited me! I can take the place of at least three other guests! Think of the savings on catering and bar tabs!
The drunk aunt crying into the wine: That is wonderful... just, you know... I love you crazy kids, and...
Jealous, lust crazed ex-sapphic-lover: So, Kat... if it doesn't work out, you know... I'm always here if you need to talk...
Bitter divorcee sister: Yeah, it's all great at first, but wait until you age and he wants something younger.
Seriously, congrats.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-10-17 00:47:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations.I recommend being married- I have been married for 9 years it is good. I don't, however, recommend being pregnant- I have been pregnant for 9 months it is bad.... Filthy isn't pregnant is she?
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-10-17 00:28:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-17 00:16:18 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-10-16 21:27:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
Is this the second marriage as a result of Uber? Or the first?
--------------
I think it's the first marriage that is the direct result of uber.
===
If any South Africans or Australians want the dubious honour of being the second, I'm due some vacation time.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-17 00:16:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-10-16 21:27:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
Is this the second marriage as a result of Uber? Or the first?
--------------
I think it's the first marriage that is the direct result of uber.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-17 00:13:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-16 22:50:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Who's the lucky guy?
----------------
I am
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-16 23:51:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-16 23:28:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:41:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
If Christ was crucified on the 13th, it would have made it the year 31, which creates conflicts with the Jewish calendar and the date of Passover (i.e., Christ wasn't crucified in 31 AD, or on Friday the 13th).
Best-guess dates: April 7, 30, or April 3, 33. Year 33 is a better choice because there was a partial lunar eclipse visible from Jerusalem on April 3 of that year.
Trust the astronomer.
-----
April 3, 33 - exactly 1,957 years before I was born.
Submitted by Entaran (user info) at 2006-10-16 23:05:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:25:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:19:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
so when does she become a citizen then?
===
Never. I would rather dress a wombat in spurs and a spiked helmet, shoehorn it past my uterus and encourage it to gnaw its way out of my womb than become an american.
======
That's one HELL of a big call. Although I fully agree and I don't even have a womb for it to gnaw out of.
Have you ever even seen a wombat in person?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-16 22:50:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Who's the lucky guy?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-16 22:48:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
They're rather have me.
I'm fat, annoying, lazy, slobby, love football and beer and slapping women on the ass.
I'm just like every other American, and we LOVE the status quo.
No go swallow a few hundred thousand potential conspiracy theorists, slag.
And that's not a typo. Brad's just fucking impotent.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-10-16 22:37:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-16 21:04:09 (#)
Ranking: -2
Yay! Green card for Filthy! WOO!
===
Pfft. If all I wanted was a green card I think I would have chosen someone who doesn't burp in my mouth and then giggle like a japanese schoolgirl.
Anytime you want to stage some kind of national Big Brother style elimination, jay, I'll bet any amount you can cover that america would rather have me here than you. And that's despite the fact I'm riddled with AIDS.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-10-16 22:29:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-10-16 21:38:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
The fact that people from this site are marrying each other is sad, frightening and fantastic all at the same time.
--------------
Will you marry me?
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-10-16 22:28:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-10-16 21:38:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
The fact that people from this site are marrying each other is sad, frightening and fantastic all at the same time.
God love you two kids.
===
Horrific, isn't it. Fuck this Bilderberg stuff - Bart pulls all the strings in this world.
Seriously. Fear him and his little chipmunk face.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2006-10-16 22:22:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats!
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-10-16 22:12:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-16 14:49:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-10-16 14:45:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck all this nonsense - I want wedding pics!!!
Submitted by marginwalker (user info) at 2006-10-16 21:47:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-10-16 21:39:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
anarchists of the world unite?
---------------
Yes!
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-10-16 21:43:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I think FilthyAssistant and ETS are a perfect match because Filthy is the most sarcastic person in the world and ETS is the most ripe for sarcasm."
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-10-16 21:39:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
anarchists of the world unite?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-10-16 21:38:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The fact that people from this site are marrying each other is sad, frightening and fantastic all at the same time.
God love you two kids.
Submitted by IntangibleHands (user info) at 2006-10-16 21:31:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Remember when you first stumbled onto this place? Did you ever once think that you would meet your future wife in this god-forsaken corner of the internet? Very Surreal.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-10-16 21:27:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is this the second marriage as a result of Uber? Or the first?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-16 21:04:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yay! Green card for Filthy! WOO!
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-10-16 21:03:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:25:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:19:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
so when does she become a citizen then?
===
Never. I would rather dress a wombat in spurs and a spiked helmet, shoehorn it past my uterus and encourage it to gnaw its way out of my womb than become an american.
--------------------
Does this mean he will leave the US?!?!
I hear the welfare system in the UK is pretty good, I am sure he would enjoy sponging off another govt for a while.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-16 20:48:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats :)
My boyfriend in high school once took a swig of coke and belched in my mouth. I kicked him.
Hard.
It was fucking disgusting.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-16 19:52:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-10-16 19:44:38 (#)
Ranking: -2
the decline of humanity continues...
----------
What? Have you procreated?
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-10-16 19:44:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
the decline of humanity continues...
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-16 18:43:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
CONGRATULATIONS.
BE HAPPY.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-10-16 18:29:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations and all that. That is all I will say.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-10-16 18:27:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-16 17:59:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Conformist.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-16 17:53:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-10-16 17:25:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats...fuckers.
---------------
Thanks...bitches.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-10-16 17:39:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BRAND NEW APOLLO!
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-10-16 17:28:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She'll notice, I'm sure.
Congratulations on your marriage and I wish you the best. BTW, have you gotten to the point where you have made her laugh so hard that she farts? My girlfriend and I are at that distinct crossroads.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2006-10-16 17:25:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the ward let you out to get married ?
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-10-16 17:25:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats...fuckers.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-16 17:12:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The last time October 13th fell on a Friday AND its date numbers added up to 13 was in 1430.
10-13-1430
1+1+3+1+4+3=13
576 years
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-10-16 17:02:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:50:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCKING PRICELESS.
Turtle! We just call it plain ol' Dutch Oven.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:43:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah fuck, I forgot to rank.
Weddings always get +2. Even if there was a conspicuous lack of the number 23 in the post.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:41:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If Christ was crucified on the 13th, it would have made it the year 31, which creates conflicts with the Jewish calendar and the date of Passover (i.e., Christ wasn't crucified in 31 AD, or on Friday the 13th).
Best-guess dates: April 7, 30, or April 3, 33. Year 33 is a better choice because there was a partial lunar eclipse visible from Jerusalem on April 3 of that year.
Trust the astronomer.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:40:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:17:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
uh... so? it's not that uncommon. it's not like haley's comet or something. or a solar eclipse. my gramma was buried on the 10/13 in 2000. it was a full moon or thereabouts too.
---------------------
No need to be a bitch.
I wasn't trying to say it was anything special, I was just stating a cold fact.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:37:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What smells worse: Your farts or Filthy's breath?
Inquiring minds want to know.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:19:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good for you.
In othr news
I just got back from Memphis today. What a weird place that is.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:17:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
uh... so? it's not that uncommon. it's not like haley's comet or something. or a solar eclipse. my gramma was buried on the 10/13 in 2000. it was a full moon or thereabouts too.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:11:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is the first year Oct. 13 has fallen on a Friday since 2000.
It won't happen again until 2017.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:05:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
next you can pick each
other's boogers and eat them.
TRUE LOVE IS JUST PLAIN WONDERFUL!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:03:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:54:23 (#)
Ranking: 0
"Is said to be"
Stop believing everything you read on the internet, Brad.
It was because of the Jesus being crucified thing, which might be even more fitting for you
------------
I didn't say I believe it necessarily, I am just saying that all I've ever heard or read on the subject has stated this.
I have never seen anything about the Jesus connection till today, and certain aspects of that article, at least, indicate the superstition existed long before Jesus' time.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:54:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Is said to be"
Stop believing everything you read on the internet, Brad.
It was because of the Jesus being crucified thing, which might be even more fitting for you
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:51:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:51:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:25:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:19:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
so when does she become a citizen then?
===
Never. I would rather dress a wombat in spurs and a spiked helmet, shoehorn it past my uterus and encourage it to gnaw its way out of my womb than become an american.
-----------------
Now THAT is IMPRESSIVE!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:51:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triskaidekaphobia
"The arrest and murder of the Knights Templar occurred on Friday October 13, 1307. This event is said to be the origin of the supposed unluckiness of Friday the 13th."
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:49:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:35:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
That day is considered the origin of triskaidekaphobia (the superstitious fear of the number '13') and the most accursed day of the year. Even so, $1 million says I STILL forget my anniversary at some point.
===
Wrong. Triskaidekaphobia originates because scholars believe Christ was crucified on Friday the 13th. That's what makes the number 13, especially Friday the thirteenth, so feared.
--------------------
Even so, it's still rather significant.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triskaidekaphobia
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:46:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:40:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
1+0+1+3+0+6=11
Jesus Christ
-------------------
oops
There was supposed to be a 2 in there.
10-13-2006
1+0+1+3+2+0+0+6=13
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:45:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:40:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
1+0+1+3+0+6=11
Jesus Christ
===
He's an idiot. It's supposed to be 13/10/2006 --> 1+3+1+2+6 =13
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:40:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1+0+1+3+0+6=11
Jesus Christ
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:40:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:16:45 (#)
Ranking: -2
Good God...PLEASE do not reproduce.
The last thing we need is a bunch of filthy, raving mini-lunatics running around spouting their nutcase of a dad's propoganda.
----
Actually, that would be halarious, ETS's kid would probably grow up to be in charge of the CIA's Domestic Surveillance Department - BECAUSE HE WOULD KNOW ITS INNER WORKINGS BY HEART
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:40:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
just a friendly reminder. i'm not assuming you didn't research it's more like i'm assuming you'll ignore it.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:39:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Other things that have happened on October 13th:
1976 - A Bolivian Boeing 707 cargo jet crashes in Santa Cruz, Bolivia killing 100. Also, the Ebola virus was discovered.
1977 - Four Palestinians hijack Lufthansa Flight 181 to Somalia and demand release of 11 members of the Red Army Faction.
1999 - The United States Senate rejects ratification of the Comprehensive Test Ban Treaty (CTBT).
SUCK IT
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:37:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:26:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
they can deport you despite you being married to an american. you have 14 years, but you're white they'll probably leave you alone.
===
Wow, thanks. I'm so lucky you're here to fill me in seeing as I went through almost a year long immigration process and obviously didn't bother to do any research before getting rid of my apartment and travelling 4000 miles away from my friends and family.
God.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:35:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That day is considered the origin of triskaidekaphobia (the superstitious fear of the number '13') and the most accursed day of the year. Even so, $1 million says I STILL forget my anniversary at some point.
===
Wrong. Triskaidekaphobia originates because scholars believe Christ was crucified on Friday the 13th. That's what makes the number 13, especially Friday the thirteenth, so feared.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:34:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:29:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
Did you actually shower for the wedding?
----------------
No need. The lady in the courthouse didn't seem to mind.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:33:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ETS just tied the knot
With a rabid male weasel, covered in snot
He was gonna wear condom but he forgot
Now he fucks his weasel-baby at the parking lot
First comes balls, then comes penis
Then comes ETS with a gay named Seamus
Heatwhore, heatwhore, on the wall
Are you sure your wife's a girl at all?
LOLZ
This will reach about 500 heat. Then she'll see this and divorce you.
Bah, who am I kiddin'. It's a little late for you to be getting married (I shouldn't be talking though - I got hitched too EARLY), but I'm glad for you. May you live long and prosper.
I bet fifty dollars that ETS's first kid will be born on September 11th.
Alright, I'm done now. Peace in, out, and all around.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:32:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:19:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Cheers!
Does it count as irony that someone from Kentucky is celebrating his wedding on a day that has become synonymous with a group that went underground and dedicated itself to the destruction of the Bourbon monarchy?
--------------------
Oh, there's much more.
10-13-06
1+0+1+3+0+6=13
I told her when we have a child someday far far into the future he will experience a "quiet birth", perhaps in a swimming pool, perhaps in a vat of bourbon.
His name will be Judas. Or Adolf.
Why? Because it says something about the human capacity to heal and to forgive. Or, maybe just because it's taboo as hell.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:29:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Did you actually shower for the wedding?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:26:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
they can deport you despite you being married to an american. you have 14 years, but you're white they'll probably leave you alone.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:25:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:19:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
so when does she become a citizen then?
===
Never. I would rather dress a wombat in spurs and a spiked helmet, shoehorn it past my uterus and encourage it to gnaw its way out of my womb than become an american.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:19:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cheers!
Does it count as irony that someone from Kentucky is celebrating his wedding on a day that has become synonymous with a group that went underground and dedicated itself to the destruction of the Bourbon monarchy?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:19:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
so when does she become a citizen then?
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:18:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
What made you think that picture at the end was funny?
You know what, don't answer that.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:18:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:16:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Good God...PLEASE do not reproduce.
The last thing we need is a bunch of filthy, raving mini-lunatics running around spouting their nutcase of a dad's propoganda.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:14:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:11:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:10:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:09:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHA!
+2 Turtle.
I refuse to try the burping into her mouth thing.
Congrats Brother, here's to a life of much happiness and genital touching for you both.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-10-16 15:05:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to see your wife.
Submitted by rejected (user info) at 2006-10-16 14:57:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck the wedding pics. I want pics of the bachelor party.
Ohh yeah, in the words of Chris Rock, no more PUSSY for you.
Congrats.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-16 14:49:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-10-16 14:45:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck all this nonsense - I want wedding pics!!!
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-10-16 14:47:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-16 14:25:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Where did you guys register for wedding gifts, the National Security Agency?
HAHAHAHHAAHHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA - *gasp* - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAAHAHHAHAAHHA...
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-16 14:46:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You can't go wrong with a relationship based on fart humor.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-10-16 14:45:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck all this nonsense - I want wedding pics!!!
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-10-16 14:45:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's awesome!! Congratulations!!
I'm never getting married.
EVER.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-10-16 14:42:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want a divorce.
No, seriously.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-16 14:42:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I suggested that date because it was on that date 699 years ago that many of the Knights Templar were tortured and beheaded for heresy
How romantic. Congrats.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-10-16 14:34:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
10/13/25 - Lenny Bruce was born
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-16 14:33:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-10-16 14:27:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
I suggested that date because it was on that date 699 years ago that many of the Knights Templar were tortured and beheaded for heresy. The remaining members were forced out of France, to wander the mountains of Switzerland and Spain, eventually settling in Scotland, as legend has it. That day is considered the origin of triskaidekaphobia (the superstitious fear of the number '13') and the most accursed day of the year.
------------------------------
hahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahaha. Oh man, I hope people arent stupid enough to think you're being serious.
---------------
ummm, actually, I was dead serious.
Submitted by marginwalker (user info) at 2006-10-16 14:31:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The idea of marriage is attractive to me for the same reason: a life-long "Turtle" team mate.
Congratulations to you both!!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-10-16 14:29:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations.
Other than that, I'm at a loss for words.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-16 14:29:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't read it, I just assumed he got married.
ETS would never lie to us.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-10-16 14:29:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
October 13th 1978 James Earl Ray, assassin of Martin Luther King weds Anna Sandhu
coincidence....I think not
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-16 14:28:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Herpe.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-16 14:27:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congradulations on your funeral.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-10-16 14:27:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I suggested that date because it was on that date 699 years ago that many of the Knights Templar were tortured and beheaded for heresy. The remaining members were forced out of France, to wander the mountains of Switzerland and Spain, eventually settling in Scotland, as legend has it. That day is considered the origin of triskaidekaphobia (the superstitious fear of the number '13') and the most accursed day of the year.
------------------------------
hahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahaha. Oh man, I hope people arent stupid enough to think you're being serious.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-16 14:26:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Congratulations, marriage is a method of control for the government.
You sure do a lot of things to help them out, what with all the talk of rebellion you do.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-16 14:25:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where did you guys register for wedding gifts, the National Security Agency?