Uber users at the Pearly Gates- Volume 2 (984 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: pearly_gates
Rating: 1.8 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by awesomeface (View user info) at 2006-10-16 16:35:42 EDT
Volume 1- http://www.ubersite.com/m/94330
________________________________________________________
Sicosemen approached St. Peter after nervously watching others thrown into the pits of hell.
"Name?" St. Peter asked.
"Sicosemen."
"heh...semen..." Pete mumbled quickly.
"What was that?"
"Oh nothing. Let me look at your record here real quick. I mean everything here seems to be normal, just another prick. Hah, look at this! You got fucked!"
"What? That's not possible! I'm a virgin!"
"No I mean you got fucked!" http://www.ubersite.com/m/91211
"Oh yeah...that..."
"What have you to say for yourself."
"At least it was a girl...actually it was a burly hairy badassmofo, but same thing."
"Good point...i'lll let this one slide. Enjoy your stay." St. Peter tugged the golden rope and Sicosemen stepped on into paradise.
NEXT
"Alright who is next here...Electro, please step forward." Electro stepped forward with a slight bit of confidence towards his judging. "So Electro, this piece of paper here tells me that you are a complete loser. Is this true?"
"No, you see I make my own computer games on par with the level on those made back in the atari and nintendo days all by myself. After I make them I really enjoy playing them. I enjoy comic and gaming shops too. I have friends that I meet every week over there.
"You could have just said yes I'm a fucking loser to save me some time. But luckily for you, I like Method. I think he would be heart broken if you were not in heaven with him. Plus we only put REAL people in hell. Shlongy...I mean Satan really doesn't like that kind of thing. Anyways, welcome to your new home." Pete opened the gates and in walked Electro which was followed by millions of horror filled screams. Only one small cheer could be heard. It was so distinct that it could not be mistaken for anything else than a homosexual greek man (Method not Awesome Face).
NEXT
"Ok, ilikesteak...i'm going to go off on a bat here. I have respect for you being a mortal and all. But seriously man, did you go three days without jerking it?"
"Yes I did. It was horrible. I hear Navy SEALS complain about god damn hell week but at least they can fucking wank it at night!"
"You are a stronger willed man than I steak, for I have been wanking the entire time under this robe."
"That's fucken gross. Can I go in now?"
"Yeah. Why not?" The gates opened once again and ilikesteak charged in immediatly running to the bathroom to rub one off.
NEXT
"Paint it Black."
"Yes?" The emo lesbian triceratops said striding forward.
"There is already too many things wrong with you. You don't even begin to qualify for entrance. Say hi to Shlongy...I mean Satan for me!" The red rope was pulled throwing the emo lesbian triceratops into hell." Pete looked into the hole to send her one last message. "YOU'RE GAY...THERE...I SAID IT!"
NEXT
"Average Dan step forward." Average Dan did so and awaited judgement. Dan was silent as Pete filed through his records. "Well Average Dan everything seems to be in order here except for one thing."
"What's wrong?"
"Myspace whoring for an artshow."
"...fuck"
"Well don't be too down, torture is an art...sort of." Pete pulled the rope and Average Dan forever dissapeared.
NEXT
"inion_de_trua, you are next." inion_de_trua slowly treaded torward the table.
"Where do I stand Pete? Am I in?"
"Well I don't know...this record isn't too...firm, if you know what I mean."
"Oh god, I knew it would come to this." inion_de_trua ducked under the table and began to suck some saintly penis. Pete was quite happy at somebody else servicing him instead of jerking off under the robe. The oral was much appreciated. inion_de_trua wiped her lips and got up from under the table. "Alright Pete, open up."
"I never said anything about letting you in. Hell all I said was your record sucked. I appreciated the head though."
"You know for a saint. You are one big asshole."
"And I love it." He tugged the red rope.
NEXT
"Orgasmatron, you're up." Orgasmatron stepped forward confidently in his poet shirt and tight leather pants.
"Good evening Peter."
"Looking good."
"Yeah whatever. Get judging."
"Well, we can skip the process, I just want to hear a poem." Orgasmatron pondered for a few minutes and began to recite.
St. Peter of Pearl of was quite awake
As Uber lined up for spots to take
They pleaded and pleasured in despair
Still you sent them out to Shlongy's lair
While stalwart few are able to please
Please Pete make me go not on my knees
For I love the smell and scent alike
Of hairy bush even a dyke
And so of this I ask you St. Pete
Let me go so you can beat your meat
"Impressive Orgasmo, welcome to heaven." Pete tugged the golden rope as the worlds finest poet walked into paradise.
NEXT
"Forthewin." Forthewin full of nervousness approached St. Pete knowing what was going to happen.
"Now Forthewin, I will give you one chance and one chance only to think of what I am thinking. Do you have anything to say for yourself."
"Uhhhh no." He said while sweat trickled down his forehead.
"I know you didn't do it in paint. You know what I'm talking about."
"Alright man listen. I just wanted some recognition. Ubersite is my life and hits give me power, without them I will die. My ultimate MS paint will live on forever and there is nothing you can do."
"Well yeah you are right, except I can let you burn in hell for all of eternity. Or play golf with Shlongy, whichever he deems worse." Pete tugged the red rope.
NEXT
"Bosh and Scruggs. You guys are on the list together. I don't know why though because I do not believe Scruggs qualifies for entry?"
"Why not?" Asked the Bosh man.
"Crybaby pussies go to hell."
"Man I told you not to be such a crybaby pusssy." Bosh smacked Scruggs over the head. Pete lit up a cigarette and nodded in agreement. "Well listen here St. Pete. Motley Crue is in heaven right now and we are ALWAYS with the band. And as much shit I talk about Scruggs...well I actually mean it all. But if he ain't with me who will make me feel better about myself?"
"You drive a hard bargain Bosh, but you wouldn't be Bosh without Scruggs. Welcome aboard gentlemen." Bosh and Earl Scruggs held hands as they headed on into heaven.
NEXT
"Cilfone, Bartholomew." Bart Bart walked towards St. Pete. "So you are the one responsible for bringing this group of fuck ups together?"
"Yeah I did. Is that a sin?"
"Oh lord no, it is a blessing. Do you know how often the staff up here at heaven looks at Uber? God is a sucker for picture post."
"You really like Ubersite. I find that quite surprising because those degenerates are fucking idiots. You know how much money I make because of all that add revenue. I pretend to be interested in them and even tell them that I like the site too. Fucking tards."
"That is quite evil sir. I think we have a special place for you but it is not in heaven."
"It isn't?"
"No it is in hell, but you will be in a management posistion. It is Shlongy's favorite level of hell. Hilton Head. You have been specifically requested by the Shlong himself. He says this ETS guy is forming a conspiracy. Something about Shlongy actually playing golf instead of torturing people. He wants him silenced."
"Well that's good to hear. I owe him a visit anyway...fucking secret service"
"What?"
"Oh nothing...ill be on my way then." Pete tugged the red rope and Bart strolled on into hell.
______________________________________
THE SCORE BOARD
HELL:
Axolotl
Jeanneee
UnderOathMeal
Kaelic
ETS
Paint it Black
Average Dan
inion_de_trua
forthewin
Bart
HEAVEN:
Method
Foolproof
JonnyX
LSD
AwesomeFace
Sicosemen
Electro
Ilikesteak
Orgasmatron
The Bosh Man
Earl Scruggs
User Reviews
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-12-06 15:02:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bosh
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-28 14:46:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:43:18 (#)
Ranking: 0
people im thinking to do next
Cyst Master
AsshOly
Kaos
Jack McCallum
Some other douche bags
_________
Some other douche bags = all the rest of Uber.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-28 14:29:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hhahaha, I don't know how I missed this especially since I saw the first one. Pretty good...and the whole virgin part is spot on.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-10-19 14:21:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha scruggs is such a faggot
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-17 14:12:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you ain't in this yet, you are waiting in line
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-17 10:20:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Are the rest of us currently in limbo or still alive?
Submitted by Happily_Agnostic (user info) at 2006-10-17 08:52:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! JON STEWART!!!Jon Stewart! 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Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-10-17 03:34:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I show up, St. Peter better have a fucking metal detector on the gate.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-10-17 00:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There better be a follow up, and I better be in it.
Or else IMA KEEL U DED!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-16 23:58:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
:(
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-16 23:48:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-10-16 23:20:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to hell for sure.
I actually like these posts.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-16 22:20:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not dead either.
Although I have a feeling I'll be going to hell, and there will be no jam.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-10-16 22:06:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA! STILL NOT DEAD!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-16 20:39:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Geez, I thought for SURE Electro would be stuck in some sort of autistic state of limbo.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-16 20:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Who
the fuck
is Average Dan?
I know Average_Dan..is that some sort of an impostor? And how can you call it eternal happiness if Jeanneee isn't there? Clearly the afterlife presents its challenges..
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-10-16 18:49:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Paint it Black."
"Yes?" The emo lesbian triceratops said striding forward.
"There is already too many things wrong with you. You don't even begin to qualify for entrance. Say hi to Shlongy...I mean Satan for me!" The red rope was pulled throwing the emo lesbian triceratops into hell." Pete looked into the hole to send her one last message. "YOU'RE GAY...THERE...I SAID IT!"
________________
THis is so typical of the reaction I thought I would get from you fucking conformist assholes.
DO with me what you will but you will never break me you fucking puppets
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-16 18:46:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"What? That's not possible! I'm a virgin!"
"No I mean you got fucked!" http://www.ubersite.com/m/91211
"Oh yeah...that..."
----
HAHAHA
THAT POST GOT ABOUT 5000 HITS. NO IDEA HOW. STAYED ON TOP OF HEATED FOR A WEEK AND A HALF. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL THING.
SORRY SIMON.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-10-16 18:32:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, I want hell too. Partying in hell sounds so much more fun and exciting than partying with the prudes in heaven.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-16 18:20:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so far all the chicks are in hell...you have mother issues, face?
hell for me please.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-16 18:01:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
all the kool kids are in Heaven
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-16 17:52:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GDAMN if I don't love these posts awesome! Keep them coming. Can you send Shlongy to hell twice please?
<---Has a new bag of styrofoam peanuts! Mmmmmm, styro-ma-foam!
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-10-16 17:52:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do I get to die too?
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-10-16 17:46:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It just always has to be about that godamn MS Paint drawing.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-16 17:32:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-10-16 17:23:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Paint it Black."
"Yes?" The emo lesbian triceratops said striding forward.
---------------------
BRILLIANT
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-16 17:04:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-10-16 17:01:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Worth reading.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2006-10-16 17:00:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more "Darko is gay" jokes
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:59:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I get to share hell with Bart and ETS?
Eh.
I can think of worse endings.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:55:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know the best part of heaven? Murdered strippers who have nothing better to do than fuck me till the end of time.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:55:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I do NOT go by Shlongy...jeez.
Mr. Shlongy MAY work.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:49:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:46:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ask them if they ever listen to the radio while they're here.
Oh, and tell them they can ask any bar owner in the tri-county area about Shlongy. Not only am I King of Uber, I am also King of a few bars and restaurants.
No one gets out of hell alive...remember that.
___
haha you really go by shlongy? One of my chick friends will be down there in a few weeks. I will ask her to do so.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:46:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ask them if they ever listen to the radio while they're here.
Oh, and tell them they can ask any bar owner in the tri-county area about Shlongy. Not only am I King of Uber, I am also King of a few bars and restaurants.
No one gets out of hell alive...remember that.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:45:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This should culminate in a final war between the people in heaven and hell
==========================================================================
If this becomes a war, I want in. If not, I don't care.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:45:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I dig it, I dig it.
Hopefully St. Peter will look kindly upon Sacrilicious and TigerLilly's Leg. For my dead sake, that is.
And I don't believe St. Peter's the first 85+ year old man that Noonie's blown.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:45:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WHORE
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:43:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:41:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
I DEMAND YOU KILL ME NEXT
-
people im thinking to do next
Cyst Master
AsshOly
Kaos
Jack McCallum
Some other douche bags
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:41:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I DEMAND YOU KILL ME NEXT
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:41:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:40:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for not letting me keep track of people after I've read the post, ass.
Now...to read the post.
_
Yeah I stole your idea. Hope you like the poem.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:40:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for not letting me keep track of people after I've read the post, ass.
Now...to read the post.
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:40:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I DIDN'T GET KICKED OUT OF HEAVEN! WOOOOOOOOOPLAH!
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:40:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh yeah Shlongy btw, I have some friends that frequent Hilton Head throughout the year. I will ask them if they have ever seen a slightly balding and gross looking pervert.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:39:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
AMERICA FUCK YEAH, COMING AGAIN TO SAVE THE MOTHER FUCKING DAY YEAH!!!
Got that one stuck in my head all day.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:39:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You fucking idiots sure know how to garner the +2's today...
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:37:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dude you sent me to hell?
:(
but jesus saved me.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-16 16:37:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am going to do awful, awful things to my good friend Jeffrey. I'm so glad he made it!
This should culminate in a final war between the people in heaven and hell.