Scarred for Life... AGAIN. (539 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.26 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by nospringchicken.net (View user info) at 2006-10-17 15:44:21 EDT
Two days ago, my roommate took a shit in his pants.
So I'm inside our room just sitting at my computer, when all of a sudden he bursts through the door and runs for the bathroom. About ten minutes later, he emerges and this horrid, putrid stench, akin to a decomposing animal, follows him, hitting me in the face like a wrecking ball. The following conversation ensues.
"I just had an interesting experience today," he begins.
"Really," I reply, nonchalant. "Let's hear it."
He shakes his head. "I'd rather... It's kinda personal, actually."
In my head: Okay... that throws the point of this conversation out the window. "Oh. Okay."
This didn't change the fact that the odor coming from bathroom was still nasally raping me, so I had to say:
"Damn. You totally ripped up the bathroom, dude." I started spraying air freshener and opening all the windows.
"Oh yeah, about that... I had a little accident."
I raised an eyebrow. "What? You miss the toilet or something?"
Now, he wasn't suppose to respond to that last question with anything other than no.
"Kind of."
I was dumbstruck. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to run away. I had that same feeling you get when you step in dog shit, that mixed feeling of disgust, anger, and... well, more disgust. I was about to ask how, but I didn't want him to continue with the gory details. He must have read my mind, because he did anyway.
"I was in Rasputin [the record store] and I really had to go, and they didn't have a bathroom so I just went in my pants."
How old is this kid? This is something that you do when you're three or four. What the hell?
"I don't know what's wrong with me lately, I've been having a couple of health issues. This is like the third time this month that it's happened."
A part of me died when he said that. I thought of all the times I had sat on that toilet, set foot in that bathroom, balanced my toothbrush on that sink... I wanted to disinfect my room, shower in Listerine, and gouge out my nostrils. When I finally came to my senses, though, I just had to ask:
"Did you at least change?
"Well, I took off my boxers, but my pants were still pretty O.K."
STILL PRETTY OKAY?!?! He's insinuating that there is, in fact, still shit in his pants, but, of course, not enough to warrant a complete change. I doubt he even washed anything... but that was the end of that. I spray more air freshener and open all the windows while my roommate calls his mother to relate to her the gory details. I then sit back down at my desk and cry a little, inside.
That was the end of that? I lied. An hour or so later, he goes out to do whatever the hell unfortunate-looking, malodorous, epileptic, one-armed, homosexual guys do when they have free time. After another hour or so he returns, and I want you to pay close attention to the order of the following events as I relate them to you chronologically, because this will seriously call into question how this boy sets his priorities.
He enters the room, walks over to his desk, and sits down on his chair. He turns on his computer, surfs around for a bit, and then calls his mother. He talks to her on the phone, and though I wasn't really paying attention to the call, the lines "Mom? It happened again", "I'm not throwing them away, they're good shorts!" and "Find a bathroom? Are you insane?" completely throw me off guard. He hangs up, and then sits at his computer for another half-hour before finally going into the bathroom.
Yes, my dear audience, he had just shat himself again. When he said earlier that he had "changed" his underwear after the first "incident", he meant he had just removed them, because this time he had shat directly into his pants. Which SERIOUSLY begs the question, why the HELL did he sit down? And why the HELL did he REMAIN sitting for another 30 fucking minutes before going to the bathroom to cleanse himself?
Anyway, to cut an already-long story short, he came out of the bathroom and I, again, died a little more inside. He had attempted (very poorly) to clean his pants, and I suspect he didn't even use soap or water because the next time I went into the bathroom - regrettably, without a hazard suit and oxygen tank - there was no toilet paper left, leading me to believe that that he merely wiped it down, and then put it in his Goddamn laundry basket.
No amount of Lysol could contain this monstrosity. I couldn't breathe. I was about to vomit. I ran out of the room. I went down six floors and could still feel the stench on me. I called my girlfriend for consolation. I waited an hour and then returned, but the smell hadn't dissipated, so I grabbed my laptop and spent the next four hours in the lobby.
I'm applying for a change of roommate as soon as humanly fucking possible. This shit is ridiculous. Literally.
User Reviews
Submitted by DoctorWombat (user info) at 2006-10-18 16:03:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2006-10-18 10:59:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, I loved your story but tell that gay guy to stop taking so much cock and he may start pooping right again.
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Oh yeah, that's what I figured too, lol. Not that I wanted to think about it at all.
And Shlongy, I was assigned to him by the Housing Department. I live in a college dormitory.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-18 11:02:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
What does say about YOU that you associate with a roommate who shits himself?
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2006-10-18 10:59:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My grandma told me that, "homosexuals lose control of thier sphincter after a certain amount of usage is vigorously applied to said orifice." That and "queers go to hell where they are butt raped daily by satans steaming hot butt raping cock."
Oh, I loved your story but tell that gay guy to stop taking so much cock and he may start pooping right again.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-18 08:33:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, I think your roomie's a stoner.
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2006-10-18 03:34:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
dude, that's just scary
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-10-18 03:16:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
literal below
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-18 03:06:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SHIT POST
Submitted by DuiTicket (user info) at 2006-10-17 22:31:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2006-10-17 22:12:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate terrible roomates.
Submitted by DoctorWombat (user info) at 2006-10-17 20:32:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-17 16:13:10 (#)
Ranking: -2
If it makes you feel any better, I felt like shitting in my hat and pulling it down over my ears after reading this piece of shit.
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That's hot.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-10-17 19:39:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Interesting fact: in the three months between my creation and this user's creation, almost 3,000 user IDs were created.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-17 17:49:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good score because I love disgusting stories. I say grab a pair of tongs and get them shorts out of his hamper and put them in his bed. When he brings it up say "Yeah I don't like the idea of sleeping in shit either so hows about you get yours together!"
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2006-10-17 17:11:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Are you living in a dorm?
Submitted by LongestPants (user info) at 2006-10-17 16:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Disturbing.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-10-17 16:55:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
didnt really see the funny.
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2006-10-17 16:55:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Something smells like ass.....
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-10-17 16:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Be a friend, buy him some DEPENDS for Christ's sake.
Submitted by swine_powered_hate_machine (user info) at 2006-10-17 16:46:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What can I say? I'm a sucker for toilet humor.
Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited (user info) at 2006-10-17 16:28:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wish I could have rated it higher. You are funny. More please.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-10-17 16:13:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAhahahahahahaha
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-17 16:13:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
If it makes you feel any better, I felt like shitting in my hat and pulling it down over my ears after reading this piece of shit.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-17 16:11:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
seriously
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2006-10-17 16:11:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Why in bleeding hell did I find this even the least bit entertaining? I'm a hick, that must be it.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-17 15:50:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
obviously, the sphincter is gone, clean gone.
A new sphincter is gonna run you about $270, mebbe I can get one cheaper over at Napa Parts.
I'll have to run 'er on the dyno, but we're looking at at least $400 here.