Sex with a crazy bitch (1686 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.78 on 48 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2006-10-17 21:05:11 EDT
Crazy bitches. Who doesn't know at least one? This particular crazy bitch is my neighbor, Jenny. We were sort of on unfriendly terms, mainly because she had previously broken my copy of You In Reverse without bothering to offer to buy me a new one, and had thrown a jacket I had lent her out through her window. It landed in a pile of dirt and snail remains.
This weekend, I happened to be loitering outside my apartment when she walked by and invited me out to eat Mongolian BBQ. I wasn't particularly interested in spending any time with her, as I was well aware of her crazy bitch qualities. However, she said the meal would be her treat, and she seemed to be extending an olive branch to me. Crazy bitch or not, I figured it would be nice to be on good terms with my neighbor, so I went along.
I don't know if you've ever been to a Mongolian BBQ restaurant, but the basic premise is that you are given a large bowl in which you pile in meat, vegetables, noodles, and sauce at your own leisure. Then you hand the mixture to a small Asian man who basically cooks it all together on a gigantic skillet. I followed the procedure, and passed my bowl to the Asian guy. She, however, had a bit of trouble.
"You have too much food in your bowl," he said, "The weight limit is two pounds. I'm going to take some out."
"I don't want you reaching into my bowl. I'll take it out."
"No, you won't take out any meat, and you do not know how much needs to be taken out."
"How do I know you wont take out too much meat, and how do you know how much is enough?"
"I know, I won't look. I'll turn my head away and reach into the bowl, and whatever comes out, you wont use."
"Fine, but I want to use my scale to make sure."
Jenny then headed out toward her car and back, producing a small scale. She fucking weighed out her shit until there was exactly two pounds of food. The Asian guy took the leftover food and threw it away, after all of that haggling. I'm feeling great.
We managed to have a peaceful, and somewhat entertaining meal. She asked what I was doing afterward, and I mentioned a poker game that was to be held later at my apartment. She sort of invited herself, and I didn't discourage her.
After a good game of poker, in which I imbibed plenty of alcohol, she invited me over for a movie. As you know, large amounts of alcohol + mild attraction=sex, so it wasn't long before it happened. It was to be expected.
What I did not expect was the crying.
"Sniff. Sniff."
I wanted to ignore it, but nearly bawling in the middle of sex is more of a detraction than you might think.
"Are you ok? What's wrong?"
"Y...you...you're my neighbor!"
"Uh, yes I know. Do you want me to stop?"
"Y...No...Well, you don't have to if you don't want to. No, keep going. Finish."
So I finished. At this point I just want to get it over with and get the hell out of there.
Within thirty seconds of the end of the intercourse, she rolled over and began crawling around her carpet naked, on all fours.
"What are you doing?"
"A lot of change fell out of your pocket when you took your pants off. I need some quarters for the laundry. I hope you don't mind."
I made some excuse, and left her with sullied sheets and the ammunition to clean them.
I saw her today, when I was getting my mail. She averted her eyes when I walked towards her.
"Hey, I don't want it to be awkward for us," I said. "I want to be friends."
With a sneer, she tilted her head up towards me and said, "you should have offered to pay for my Mongolian BBQ."
User Reviews
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-08-06 20:26:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I still don't know why people can't give me a straight answer when I ask them what happened to "OK Soda"
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2006-11-25 15:16:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's too insane to be real... But good imagination and creativity there...
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-11-25 14:51:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is what I have taken away with me by reading this story:
1.) First and Foremost, a headache.
2.) Rising bile in my throat from the thought of an Asian touching ANYTHING I planned to put in my mouth. Unless it was his manhood, in which case I have taken with me a hard-on a cat couldn't put a scratch on.
3.) A valuble lesson, with the moral being; think about who you are having sex with before you just do it. Think about the outcome of those actions (Other than blowing a load) and think of the potential uncomfortability around someone who you are forced to interact with on a day-to-day basis. We should all aspire to slow down and think before we act. People in our generation forget to do this so much. Our anger and emotions cause discontent, fighting, and even war. To seek balance and unparalleled knowledge, as well as control over emotions is the Jedi way. I intend to take the knowledge you have inparted unto me, out into the world.
Thank you Tinactic. Truly you are a sage.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-10-21 17:31:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, psycho...
Just so you know, I'm fine with too much food, would never make you pay for it, and would give you sex sans sobbing without trying to bum change from you. Keep that in mind. I'll send you pictures when I'm 8 mo. pregnant.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-18 19:51:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
there is a difference?
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Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-10-18 17:04:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-18 10:38:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
the fact that you finished despite the psycho crying means you are too desperate for your own good and should start doing hookers.
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I thought it meant he was male and had a pulse.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-10-18 17:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-18 10:38:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
the fact that you finished despite the psycho crying means you are too desperate for your own good and should start doing hookers.
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I thought it meant he was male and had a pulse.
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-10-18 16:04:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
nice.
Submitted by mles76 (user info) at 2006-10-18 15:36:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the Mongolie BBQ. I eat there all the time.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-10-18 15:34:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-18 15:28:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so you fucked her for laundry money? Excellent exchange of resources, I'd say.
Submitted by swine_powered_hate_machine (user info) at 2006-10-18 11:40:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Right on.
When I was still married the ex-wife would cry every now and then afterwards, usually when the sex was extremely good. Took some getting used to, as my first reation was "did I hurt you?", which was usually answered with "no, it was amazing."
So, crying during or after sex isn't always a bad thing, though it is always disturbing.
Fuckin' women.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-10-18 11:01:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I still find the, "You're my neighbor, boo hoo!" thing to be quite hilarious.
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2006-10-18 10:43:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-18 10:38:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
the fact that she 1) weighed her food at the restaurante 2) ate 2lbs of food and 3) cried during sex pretty much makes it a bad idea to even be friends with her.
the fact that you finished despite the psycho crying means you are too desperate for your own good and should start doing hookers.
~~~~~~
Amen to that
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-18 10:38:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the fact that she 1) weighed her food at the restaurante 2) ate 2lbs of food and 3) cried during sex pretty much makes it a bad idea to even be friends with her.
the fact that you finished despite the psycho crying means you are too desperate for your own good and should start doing hookers.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2006-10-18 10:34:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You should have donkey punched her and really given her something to cry about.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2006-10-18 10:29:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-10-17 22:25:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
I dated a gal once who actually asked me why I didn't pay for more things for her. Yes, I already did pay for plenty of things for her, and she never even thanked me. If she had crawled around naked on all fours though, I'd have reconsidered the entire situation.
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Hey, JMG - have you ever considered writing about some of these bad dates? Perhaps you could make a series out of them.
Submitted by caffeind (user info) at 2006-10-18 09:16:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow, wtf. Why the hell was she crying?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-18 08:51:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2006-10-17 21:21:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
You decided to sleep with a woman who keeps a scale in her car...and you question her sanity?
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-10-18 05:17:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love sex with crazy bitches.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-10-18 04:36:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rock on
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-10-18 04:36:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh dude.... that's fucking tits. Seriously everyone knows a crazy bitch...we all have our 'crazy bitches'. I like the fact that as she was going:
"Y...No" you decided to still keep going and finish. That's fucking great.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-10-18 02:58:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what the hell ,man
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-18 02:31:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-18 00:02:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-17 23:41:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
- Shake that ass.
- Bounce those tits.
- Repeat until he blows his stack.
- Rob him after he's passed out and shit on his sofa.
- Act like it was all a dream afterwards.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-17 23:41:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
- Shake that ass.
- Bounce those tits.
- Repeat until he blows his stack.
- Rob him after he's passed out and shit on his sofa.
- Act like it was all a dream afterwards.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-17 23:35:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You guys always know just what I want to hear.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-17 23:28:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lose and take your clothes off, Lishy.
Then bounce, and circle, and sway.
Then never talk to him again.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-10-17 23:22:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do it Licious.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-17 22:58:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So..was it any good?
Because my neighbor..he's fucking obnoxiously loud and dumb, but he has a really nice body and he invited me over for poker. What should I do?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-17 22:54:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-17 22:35:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good to see you around again.
Look at it this way - now you can say that you've stuck your dick in a basket case.
ONE MORE TO CHECK OFF THE LIST.
I'M FULL OF SENSE!
YOU'RE FULL OF SENSE!
WE'RE ALL FULL OF SENSE!
_____________
SENSE-ation.......
Someone's full of shit...................
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-17 22:35:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good to see you around again.
Look at it this way - now you can say that you've stuck your dick in a basket case.
ONE MORE TO CHECK OFF THE LIST.
I'M FULL OF SENSE!
YOU'RE FULL OF SENSE!
WE'RE ALL FULL OF SENSE!
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-10-17 22:26:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-17 21:08:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
STUPID MONORGIANS! QUIT TEARIN DOWN MY CHITTY WALL!
=========================
auto +2 south park reference
AWW SWEET AND SOUWR PAWRK!
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-10-17 22:25:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"With a sneer, she tilted her head up towards me and said, 'you should have offered to pay for my Mongolian BBQ.'"
I dated a gal once who actually asked me why I didn't pay for more things for her. Yes, I already did pay for plenty of things for her, and she never even thanked me. If she had crawled around naked on all fours though, I'd have reconsidered the entire situation.
Not really. I still would've killed her.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-10-17 22:10:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bob is studying anthropology at Brown, apparently.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-10-17 22:09:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yea i know. thats why im here though.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-17 22:08:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-10-17 21:27:20 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-17 21:08:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Mongolians have Barbecues?
___________
actually, the mongolian diet, due to their nomadic nature, is almost purely animal products, pretty much only meat and dairy products unless they find veggies.
so yes.
===
Fuckin NERD.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-10-17 21:58:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She doesn't really sound crazy, just odd. I'm betting that if she doesn't own a lot of cats now, she will soon.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-17 21:42:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, wimmens are the whack!
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-10-17 21:29:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mongolian BBQ sounds similar to Flat Top, but with less Mexicans pretending to be Asian.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-10-17 21:27:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-17 21:08:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Mongolians have Barbecues?
___________
actually, the mongolian diet, due to their nomadic nature, is almost purely animal products, pretty much only meat and dairy products unless they find veggies.
so yes.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2006-10-17 21:21:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You decided to sleep with a woman who keeps a scale in her car...and you question her sanity?
v. funny
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-10-17 21:12:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh heh
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-17 21:10:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LOLZ CRAZY ASS MOFUGGAHZ
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-10-17 21:09:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You obviously don't know the true meaning of "crazy bitch." She sounds more like a "lame twat." Funny story though.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-17 21:08:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
STUPID MONORGIANS! QUIT TEARIN DOWN MY CHITTY WALL!
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-10-17 21:08:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck you for connecting me to Buckcherry
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-17 21:08:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mongolians have Barbecues?
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-10-17 21:07:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey, your a crazy bitch but you fuck so good I'm on top of it when I dream I'm doin you all night...